Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorNEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves..

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share..

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

 

[pcchefjane]

Re: College Pumpkins

EWWWWW! That is just too realistic looking, KG!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorGolf if flog spelled backwards. --Bob HopeGrandpa: Lincoln was right when he said, "you an fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time."Grandson: What happens the rest of the time?Grandpa: They're likely to make fools of themselves, I reckon.

 

[pcchefjane]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWhy do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?:cry:

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? :grumpy:

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why when you smell something nasty you always take a second whiff?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[chefann]

KG! This one's for The Kat Lady...http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/funny-pictures-monoral-cat-now-stops-at-the-library.jpg

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI emailed that to her earlier today - that's great, isn't it?I loved the left the copier on gag, too!http://icanhascheezburger.wordpress.com/files/2008/10/funny-pictures-you-left-your-copier-running.jpg

 

[ragschef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTwo brooms were hanging around in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?








'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

.......................................
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy even these silly little cute and clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!!!

 

[ragschef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As the lady was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind Her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.' She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the
derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, She said: 'Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWe all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by



:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(___!___) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorAn Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in thiscongregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. Thisis a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. Iam embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from Godand this Christian Family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face meand admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in yourheart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quiveredas she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told acouple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

[raebates]

Re: College Pumpkins

Hey, KG, I sent a copy of this to my DS. He taped it up on his door. He asked me to tell you that it's amazing!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorPatient: Doctor, sometimes when I wake up in the morning I think I'm Donald Duck; other times I think I'm Mickey Mouse.Doctor: How long have you been having these Disney spells?----------------------------------------A young man brought his wife to a small-town doctor's office in an emergency. The nurses escorted the woman to the examination area, and the husband anxiously took a seat in the lobby. For the next few minutes he could hear the doctor bark an unsettling string of orders to the staff, "Screwdriver! Knife! Pliers!"When he heard, "Sledgehammer!" the young man could bear the tension no longer. He burst into the examination room and shrieked, "Doctor, what's wrong with her?!""We have no idea," the doctor said, "Right now, we're still trying to open the medicine cabinet."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

WARNING! Adult Content Follows!WARNING! Adult Content!

You've Been Warned! This hit my inbox today and reminded me of one of the threads up here...

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me...can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over!"

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dadgummit! That's the third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of the story

Don't mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION!

Old age, skill, wisdom, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

WARNING! Adult Humor!WARNING! Adult Content Follows!A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me...can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Dadgummit! That's the third gay rooster I bought this month."Moral of the storyDon't mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION!Old age, skill, wisdom, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

 

[AnnieBee]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLOL at this WHOLE page...

 

[Addie4TLC]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMorris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, 'You're really doing great, aren't
you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

[Addie4TLC]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorCaution: adult contentMiss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work." ~Gallagher

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorYou get Lyn Conway's newsletters, huh, Rae?

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSure do. You must, as well.

 

[ragschef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOH TO BE A KID
























































































NOW THAT YOU HAVE SMILED a TIME or TWO - Share these with others!!

Don't you just feel this way sometimes????





Me Too

 

[c00p]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOk, trying to post a link here... this is to a "red-neck" playstation. It's quite addicting, and the sounds and graphics are "ammusing"!!! Have fun everyone!! :::: fly swatter ::::

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Happy Thanksgiving!A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under
my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his a$s and let him go!"

 

[ragschef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA young man named John received a parrot as a
> gift. The parrot had a bad
> attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word
> out of the bird's mouth
> was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
>
> John tried and tried to change the bird's
> attitude by consistently saying
> only polite words, playing soft music, and
> anything else he could think of
> to "clean up" the bird's
> vocabulary.
>
> Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the
> parrot. The parrot yelled
> back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got
> angrier and even ruder.
> John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed
> the bird, and put him in
> the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot
> squawked and kicked and screamed.
>
> Then suddenly there was total quiet. No t a peep
> was heard for over a
> minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
> John quickly opened the door to
> the freezer.
>
> The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
> outstretched arms and said, "I
> believe I may have offended you with my rude
> language and actions. I'm
> sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
> transgressions and I fully intend
> to do everything I can to correct my rude and
> unforgivable behavior."
>
> John was stunned at the change in the bird's
> attitude. As he was about to
> ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
> change in his behavior, the
> bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey
> did?"
>

 

[Stephn3]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI got this from someone from work a couple months ago. It is alittle long but so worth it! I laughed so hard I cried!!






Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop the sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and i was looking for a little something extra for my wife Susan. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that is I pushed the button AND pressed it against metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Susan what that burn mark is on the front of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 triple A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently ( trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie ( for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and Tazer on the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and Dis-orient your assailant;a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting batteries. All the while I was looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and ( loaded with two,itsy bitsy triple- A batteries) thinking myself, 'no possible way! What happened next is almost beyond description, but I 'll do my best....?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to the side as if to say,"Don't do it dipsh!t," reasoning the a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and.... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.....WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.....WHAT THE HECK!!!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making me ow sounds that I have never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping around all over the living room floor.

Note: If your ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!! You will not be able to let go of the thing until it is dislodged form your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time is a relative thing at that point.), I collected my wits ( what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the mantel on the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both eyes were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novo Cain and my bottom lip weighed about 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!!
If you think education if difficult, try being stupid.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOh my stars! I'm still laughing!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorRead the Tazer story to The Furry Guy. He did laugh with sound--quite an accomplishment. He also said, "You never test it on yourself. That's what the neighbor's dog is for."

 

[Stephn3]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorEverytime I read this story I laugh just as hard as the first time. So funny! And I could totally see my husband doing the same thing.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI printed it out. I plan to share it with The Furry Guy's family tomorrow.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

A young man named John received a parrot as a
> gift...

http://icanhascheezburger.wordpress.com/files/2008/11/funny-pictures-bird-wonders-if-he-made-candy-corn1.jpg

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorExercise is important:Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60…
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorExercise is important:

Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60…
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorDUI - TEXAS STYLEFrom the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this reportedly true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and t hen switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.""I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

[pcchefjane]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI'm going to try a few of these Snowman pictures...not sure if they will work or not! They are too cute though! The last one is my favorite!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI really wish this didn't hit so close to home.


"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, darn... so that's why no one was at church today."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorCaution... use the bathroom before viewing!!!!



This speech was given at a wedding reception where 200 people were in attendance. The bride and groom are both prosecuting attorneys.



Freaky Best Man Speech

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

 

[Sheleif]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLOL I love that. Substitute the wine for root beer and it is me!

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorPA SLEEPS NAKED "Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

"Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"

"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."

"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

You need to go read this thread.

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorBoy that sounded similar.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorAn Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?' 'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?' Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you peopletook care of the last rites!'
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......................................... Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.' Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA guy is driving around Wadsworth, Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks."Yep," the Lab replies."So, what's your story?"The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.""But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog."Ten dollars," the guy says."Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?""Because he's lying, he never did any of that stuff."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorCamilla's Shoes.

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasinglytighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivitieswere finally over, she & Charles had retired back to there room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor . .. .
But it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla. 'Harder' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling!
But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried..
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove theother shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy,Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTo tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.Sincerely,
The Cat

 

[pcchefjane]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, ‘ know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Spring is comingJimmy the Groundhog didn't see his shadow in Sun Prairie, but it's okay, Spring is on it's way in Wisconsin. The deer are moving again.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled inthe middle. The girl is wearing a
fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The
firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck,"
he said with admiration. "Thanks," the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a
little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to
the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "Idon't want to
tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster." The little girl
replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humormaybe a repeat..

Subject: Church Gossip

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of
the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other
people's business.

Several members were unappreciative of her activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She
made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a
new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his
pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar
one afternoon. She commented to George and others that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend or
deny-- he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup
in front of Sarah's house and left it there all
night....

 

[pcchefjane]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

maybe a repeat..

Subject: Church Gossip

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of
the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other
people's business.

Several members were unappreciative of her activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She
made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a
new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his
pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar
one afternoon. She commented to George and others that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend or
deny-- he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup
in front of Sarah's house and left it there all
night....

Smart man...

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humormay offend..

Human Geogaphy

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bush
land around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With aglorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 80 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

 

[Crystal Patton]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA little girl and her mother go into the bank. Once in front of the teller the little girl says she wants to open a saving account. The bank teller ask her if she has any money, she says yes she does and she earned it herself. The bank teller is very impressed and askes for details. The mother explaines that they are having their house added on to and the little girl has been helping the construction workers. So when pay day came around all the guys pitched in and gave her a quarter. The little girl then proudly showed the bank teller her $2 in quarters. The bank teller praised her and told her it was wise to save her money. The little girl beamed shyly. As the teller was opening the account she asked the little girl how long she was going to continue to work and save her money. To which the little girl replied:
"We hope to be finished next week, if we can ever get the f**king drywallers to get to work on time."