Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[katie0128]

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

I have seen this so many times, but the comment about about the midget still makes me LOL!

 

[baychef]

For all those in the northern section of the country!
http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/freezing.jpg

 

[raebates]

You made The Furry Guy snort.

 

[katie0128]

Really wouldn't mind that... a good way to drop a few pounds!

 

[raebates]

I don’t think you have to be a country boy to really appreciate this one."Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy."It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth."You see, Miss Crabtree; out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, ‘That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him! Stay back,’ he whispered to all us kids!’“He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barreled 12 Gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and comes sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on plumb helpless; old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

 

[krzymomof4]

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.'

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. < ; /FONT>

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

< FONT face=Andy color=black size=5>At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...




'Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!'

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A Minnesota trooper is patroling the highway when he sees a truck driver pulled over to the side of the road. The driver walks back, pounds on the side of the truck with a tire iron, then gets back into the cab and drives away.A few miles later, the truck pulls over to the side and the driver walks back, pounds on the side of the truck with a tire iron, then gets back into the cab and drives away.The third time the driver does this, the trooper pulls him over. "What in the heck are you doing?" he asks.The driver blushes and says, "The weight limit here is 10 tons. I've got 15 tons of parakeets in here, so I have to keep 5 tons of 'em flying around!"

 

[chefann]

I can't even fathom 5 tons of parakeets, since they weigh about an ounce each. that's 160,000 parakeets! My FIL breeds 'keets, and 70 of them take up quite a bit of room and make a LOT of noise.Of course, that brings us to the fact that as the trip progressed, he'd have to have more than 5 tons of the birds in flight, because that many birds would generate a LOT of droppings. Parakeet droppings are miniscule, but they'd add up.

 

[katie0128]

O.k. - that wasy WAAAAAAY too much thought into that, Ann. Are you bored at work today or something?

 

[chefann]

I'm among the ranks of the unemployed now, Katie. If DH is to be believed, I just sit on my butt and eat bonbons all day.

 

[katie0128]

Sorry to hear that... about the unemployed, not the bonbons! They sound yummy!


Wait a minute, are we sad about the unemployment? If so, bring on the bonbons and a bottle of wine for mourning. Or is this a cause to celebrate? In that case, bring on more bonbons and champagne!!!

 

[chefann]

Nope- we're choosing to view it as a well-needed kick in the tush. And I don't actually sit around eating bonbons. I hardly eat at all when I'm home alone. I have to remind myself to eat something for breakfast and lunch.No money in the current budget for bonbons and champagne. But I have a king-size Hershey Special Dark bar and a bottle of sparkling grape juice in the pantry. Are those acceptable budget-wise alternatives?

 

[katie0128]

Sound like great alternatives to me! Plus, I don't like champagne anyway... sparkling grape juice sounds much better!

So did you get fed-up with the place where you were working and quit? Are you looking or trying to increase PC business?

 

[chefann]

It was not a voluntary departure, but I can't say that I'll miss the place. And it figures that this month, 3 of my 5 shows cancelled. Aaack!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Okay, let me try this again...

Harry and Tess are driving across the South. They get into a big discussion over the way to pronounce the name of the next city they're coming to. Is it pronounced NACK-ah-doh-chess, nack-ah-DOH-chess, nack-ah-doh-CHESS, or NAG-ah-doh-chess, nag-ah, well, the argument went on and on.

When they finally got there, it was lunch time, anyway, so they went into a restaurant. Tess says to the young woman behind the counter, "My husband and I are having an argument, and we need you to settle it for us. Where are we? And say it slowly so we can get the correct pronunciation."

And the young woman said, "Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Kinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng"

 

[chefann]

But you know what you can't get there?Coooooorrrrrrnnnnnnnn.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

You can't get a Bagelbagelbagelbagelbagelbagel, either.

 

[chefann]

Nope. And you can only get appleappleapple with the kids meal.Yesterday, DH was reheating some pizza for dinner (I was at a meeting). Beaker came flying into the kitchen to see what was up, and DH told her, "Beaker, we're having pizza for dinner." She responded, "Gooey." Which is derived from "Gooey cheese" and is therefore an appropriate response about pizza.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

That bird is a real pizza work.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

No comeback? I never sausage a thing!

 

[baychef]

No comeback? I never sausage a thing!

I'll substitue for Ann S.(keep in mind..she would have done much better!!)
K.G....you are such a bird brain!

And Ann S., you have done a good job raising Beaker...he is such a smart bird!! (as opposed to KG being a smart a**)

 

[baychef]

No SEX since 1955No SEX since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

" 1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

 

[baychef]

I can't respond to any emails today,
Something has crashed on my computer . .

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/catcrash.gif

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

That must be one vicious mouse on that laptop.

 

[baychef]

It is such a cute kitty, though!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

That's a kitty's job, isn't it? To be cute?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I think this gag, or a variation of it, has already been posted but I can't find it. This is inspired by a local church that is asking their members about this topic.WARNING! Adult Content Follows!Three couples moved into a community and heard of this wonderful ________tist Church (fill in the denomination of your choice.) They met with the pastor, who told them, "In order to join our church community, you must abstain from sex for thirty days. Can you call accomplish this?"The first couple, up in their golden years, nodded and said, "That's about normal for us, anyway."The second couple, middle aged, said, "It will be a challenge but we accept the challenge."The third couple, newlyweds, said, "We're not sure, but we'll try our best.""Good!" the pastor said. "I look forward to seeing you each Sunday morning, and we'll meet here again in thirty days!" The couples all went their separate ways.Thirty days later, the three couples met with the pastor. "How did you do on your thirty day abstinence?" he asked.The first couple smiled broadly and said, "It was a piece of cake!" "Welcome to our congregation!" The pastor replied. "And you?" he asked of the second couple.The second couple nodded solemnly and said, "It was difficult, but we abstained, as you asked.""WONDERFUL! Welcome to our congregation!" The pastor replied. "And you?" he asked of the third couple.

The young man turned beet red and said, "I fear we didn't make it. I was helping my lovely wife reach something, and she was standing on a step ladder. There I was, holding the ladder steady and right in front of my eyes, was my wife's beautiful, firm, lovely butt and I couldn't help myself. I helped her down the ladder and made love to her, right on the spot!"The pastor was shocked. "I'm sorry, he said, "But you cannot be a member of our church.""That's okay," the young man said, "They won't allow us in The Home Depot anymore, either."

 

[raebates]

Can hotels in Hawaii legally serve a continental breakfast?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I'm still trying to figure out why Hawaii has an Interstate Highway.

 

[baychef]

You Gotta Love the Irish!!!!!Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he
said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go
to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish
Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,
'Never mind, I found one.'
******

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to
heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now.'
******

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it
again!'
******

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,'
Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
******

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy.. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up,
pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his
butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full
box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each
place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled
his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Shoulda saved those for a couple of weeks - St. Paddy's Day is coming. (Those are really good, too!)

 

[chefann]

I might have to jot those down for a friend of mine.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Irish I had thought of them first.

 

[raebates]

Shared those with The Furry Guy this morning. He laughed with sound--always a good sign.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Vini, vidi, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.That's how I learned that when it comes right down to it, dyslexics have more nuf.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Lawyers get disbarred.Clergy get defrocked.Ballplayers get debased.Politicians get devoted.Cowboys get deranged.Models get deposed, except for Calvin Kline models, who get debriefed.Organ donors get delivered.Dry cleaners get depressed, decreased and depleated.

 

[baychef]

"grandpa"WARNING...CONTAINS SOME POTTY WORDS

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a
special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning
he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the
car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really
didn't feel like being up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl
anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't
see a single dumb ba$tard or lousy $hit head!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy takes his son tiger hunting. They're creeping through the bush when the guy says, "Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions?""Yes," the boy says. "If the tiger kills you, how do I get home?"

 

[climbercanoe3]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNERYou don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her
more curious.Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than
met the eye.Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Jennif er and I are just roommates."About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ev er since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautif ul silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:______________________________________________________________________Dear Mom,I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner.Love, Brian
___________________________________________________Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:___________________________________________________ Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

 

[baychef]

Abbott & Costello....buying a computer....You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to
REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who
Sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on..

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's
On First?" might have turned out something like this:



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
Buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What abou t Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
Proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, ! For my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK , let's just say I'm
Sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
Straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can
Track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABB OTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

 

[baychef]

one angry driverA man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a
busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of
him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though
he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through
the intersection and dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and
looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He
took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I
noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School ' bumper
sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road, so he hurries to catch up to it, suspecting the driver is intoxicated. When he gets alongside, he sees the driver is a little old lady and she's knitting while she's driving. He is astounded!"PULL OVER!" he yells at her. "PULL OVER!""No, it's a cardigan!" she yells back.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Barry Manilow was recovering from an infection after dental surgery. A newpaper reporter asked him about it, and Manilow said, 'The worst thing about it was having to sit in that chair and listen to my crappy music.'"

 

[baychef]

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/snidley.gif
Remember Snidley and his raspy snicker?!?!?! That is my response to KG's last joke!!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, he burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted into the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[baychef]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, he burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Oh my parents will LOVE this one!!! But, my Mom drives and does the cooking so it would have to involve the remote control for my Dad to understand!!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A Czeck immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z." "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Czeck guy replied, "I dated her in high school!"