Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMay be offensive.....




Blood transfusions



American Medical Association researchers have found that

Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know...

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe Human Body!
Very informative!



It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorRandom Thoughts of the Day:

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check
your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself
to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by
randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually
I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to
walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played
that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out
my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's
a mirror just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is
me..........Even cats can recognize their own image.


How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.


I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". (which is like
be "Self-learned")


I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!


What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?


MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.


Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.


I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


Bad decisions make good stories


If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.


Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....


You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.


Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
to have to restart my collection. (Amen!!)


There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going
to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.


I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I
did not make any changes to.


I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me
if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.
It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.
Will we still be friends after this?'


While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.


I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!)
-- but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?


I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.


Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for pedophiles...


As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.


Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.


Shouldn't it be called Unplanned Parenthood?!?


I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.


Even under ideal conditions people have trouble finding the remote,
locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey
- but I'd bet my everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3
feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...


My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to that?


I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.


I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSubject: Gates and GM


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,


' If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon. '


In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:


"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue.

For some reason you would simply accept this.


4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you
would have to reinstall the engine.


5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.


6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.


I love the next one!!!


7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?'before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.


10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor"We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging
God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow."

 

[NooraK]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorCourtesy of http://www.notalwaysright.com:

(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”

Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”

Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”

(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)

Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at 8 in the morning to buy this candy?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”

(The customer bolts out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat site is hilarious, isn't it, Noora? When DH discovered it, I spent 2 days reading all the past posts.

 

[NooraK]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI love it. I can't access any blogs at work, but I can still get to my Google Reader, and it gives me little smiles through the day as new conversations pop up.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWhat is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment

 

[pampered1224]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOMG! Do you know this is the very first time I have actually taken time to get to this! I hurt so bad now from laughing that I feel like the guy with the electric fence! Worst part is, I DID THAT when I was 17! (Not all of it, but pretty darn close!)

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

OMG! Do you know this is the very first time I have actually taken time to get to this! I hurt so bad now from laughing that I feel like the guy with the electric fence! Worst part is, I DID THAT when I was 17! (Not all of it, but pretty darn close!)

I've never done that.. but.... I did talk my brother into tinkling on one... I'm surprised he has kids now....

I know Myth Busters did something on it.. and stated nothing would happen.. Tell that to my brother...

 

[pampered1224]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWhen you have the tiny power boxes it is no worse than those Malibu Lights But when you have 4 very rowdy horses, you need the heavy duty kind. Well, they pack a wallop so I would have to say Myth Busters is a did not plug it in or they used the light weight versions. And yeah, your brother should be thankful he got kids and they don't glow in the dark! However, do they point due north alot?

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe Preacher's SonIt was time for the country preacher's teenage son to choose a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't know what he wanted to do and wasn't too concerned about it so his father tried an experiment.
He placed four objects on the boy's desk: a Bible; a silver dollar; a bottle of whiskey; and a Playboy magazine. Then he hid behind the door to see which object he picked up first.
He thought, "If he picks the Bible, he'll be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks the dollar, he'll be a businessman and that would be okay, too. But if he picks the bottle, he'll be a drunk and that would be a shame. And if he picks the magazine, he'll be a womanizer."
Soon the boy was home from school, tossed his books on the bed, and then spotted the new objects on his desk. He looked them all over and first picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He then picked up the silver dollar and put it in his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big swig, while admiring the magazine's centerfold.
"Damn!" thought the preacher. "He's gonna run for Congress!"

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA Perfect Take-offPassengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die..."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humormay offend someone, somewhere, sometime.......

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief of the tribe, "Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have short names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

His father replied, "My son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together and merely repeat their names from generation to generation.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's really very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions for me, Little Broken Condom Made In China?"

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorIDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...'

We haven't used Sears repair since in Denver, CO





IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4..25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money..' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dolla! r bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change...

Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's in Dennison, IA




IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Manning, IA


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had ice burg lettuce.
From Des Moines, IA


IDIOT SIGHTING :
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask..'
Happened in Omaha, NE



IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Golden, CO




IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.. ' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the- headlights stare.
This was a lunch at a Dallas Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on..
A deputy with the Carroll County , IA Sheriff’s office, no less…




IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Iowa City, IA

STAY ALERT!

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor*this thread should be a "sticky" so we can find it! had to hunt deep*

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe really scary thing about your Idiot Sighting post is that those people probably vote and may have already procreated.

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

The really scary thing about your Idiot Sighting post is that those people probably vote and may have already procreated.

Sorry if this offends anyone but if IQ or common sense and fertility were somehow more intertwined, we would be better off...but probably the phrase "population explosion" would not be!

Unfortunately, I can see a fast food person telling you they only have ice burg lettuce. Often they are teens who may not know!!! They do know what the word minimum means...minimum wage!!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorDon't worry, Ann. those who might be offended by your assertion probably wouldn't get it. LOL!

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorButch the Rooster John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Franklin County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the ‘No Bell Piece Prize’ but they also awarded him the ‘Pulletsurprise’ as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMexican OystersA big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

 

[nikked]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

Butch the Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Franklin County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the ‘No Bell Piece Prize’ but they also awarded him the ‘Pulletsurprise’ as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Do you know who wrote this? The overall concensus amongst those I sent it to is that whoever wrote it is a genius! Thanks for sharing...

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

Do you know who wrote this? The overall concensus amongst those I sent it to is that whoever wrote it is a genius! Thanks for sharing...

No, can't say I know who wrote it. Just one of those things that found it's way into DH's email and he sent it to me so I could share with ya'll on here. Glad you liked it! (even more fitting after recent Nobel Peace Prize announcements *hehe*)

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorAfter watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ...
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also,
my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker..

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.



Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

 

[esavvymom]

Better than a Flu Shot!Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room... She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

 

[esavvymom]

A Cold Winter!Subject: Fwd: FW: A COLD winter !!!


It's late fall, and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold, and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared..


But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.



So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'



Remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

No Nativity Scene in Washington this year!The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the
United States' Capital this Christmas season.

It isn't for any religious reason.

There are simply no wise men in the nation's capitol, let alone finding three of 'em, while the search for a virgin continues.

There iss no problem, however, finding enough a$$es to fill the stable.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of British HumorMaking the rounds via email this week:

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40), £5 for coaches (about $7.)

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!

...and no one even knows his name.


NOTE: None of this is true, in fact, officials of the Bristol Zoo report that there is no space for coaches (buses in Yank lingo) in any of their three parking lots. But it's still a giggle.

 

[Tropicalburstqt2]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThought others would find this amusing as well.... www.peopleofwalmart.com

I'm pretty sure some of these photos are of people that frequent my Wal-Mart!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI'm afraid to look, Amy. Is my picture there?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorhttp://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/513.jpgOh, wait. No, it can't be you. Wrong shoes.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat's just wrong.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorRae, it is... but..... it's still funny... hehehe

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Breaking news from FloridaElin Nordegren (Mrs. Tiger Woods) has announced she will take him back, but as a condition, he has to change his name to Cheetah.





If it doesn't seem funny, read it out loud.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOk..I was a little behind on this thread...but now I need to BLEACH MY EYES after that Walmart post!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat won't help, Bobbi. It's now seared into your memory.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThis is too funny! If you have 5 minutes to kill or need a good chuckle, call the below number. *and I agree, #7 after pressing 4 is the best! The kids will enjoy it too!****************Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051. When you are asked if you
want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait *quietly* for about 10
seconds and you will laugh! (If you comment on this, don't give away
the surprise.) Keep going and press 4, it gets better! If you get a busy
signal, keep trying. If you get recycled the first time it asks and you are quiet, just be
patient and let it go thru again. Trust me, it WILL be worth it ;-) even if
you have to redial a dozen times. Put it on speaker phone so the whole
family can enjoy. Try all the options my favorite is #7 - after the #4

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWhat is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?





Santa stops at three HO's!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Christmas Greetings from the Woods

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLet me see if I understand all this.... IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR...... IF YOU GO INTO CHINA ILLEGALLY, YOU’R CONSIDERED A SPY AND GET HARD PRISON TIME..... IF YOU GO INTO GERMANY ILLEGALLY, YOU GET A HEFTY FINE, WORK IT OFF OR PAY IT OFF, THEN DEPORTED......... IF YOU GO INTO ENGLAND ILLEGALLY, YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY JAILED AND DEPORTED......... IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.... BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. .. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET: 1. A DRIVERS LICENSE 2. A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD 3. WELFARE 4. FOOD STAMPS AND 5. FREE HEALTH CARE I guess I still don't understand...maybe we need to VOTE OUR LAWMAKERS OUT. GO GREEN!! RECYCLE CONGRESS !!!

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now..
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'








'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.He tried a fourth time with the same result.He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.You just can't fix stupid

 

[kaiser]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorRaebates: Lol!!!

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSaw this on the internet today:
http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb315/chefann1138/cute-puppy-pictures-not-ordered.jpg

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorHow awesome!!! The cat was probably saying...get the heck out of the box...empty boxes are MY job to climb into!

Especially Pampered Chef boxes!!! Did you forward this onto HO??

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Walmart WineWal-Mart announced that sometime in 2010 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas .

"But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

BTW, don't bother posting that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.

 

[Pampered_Ashley84]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

Thought others would find this amusing as well.... www.peopleofwalmart.com

I'm pretty sure some of these photos are of people that frequent my Wal-Mart!

Amy, that site is fabulous! I am still laughing about the "I Brought Sexy Back" guy! Thanks for sharing.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor3 KIDS FISHING ...
Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before the
Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '. Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Airforce One.' The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 's shoes. Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them! The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and
stereo headset! Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped. The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!'