Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor2 Quickies

1. Fantasy

Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans!

2. The College Test

A college class were told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The story must contain the following three components:
1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. This is the A+ story:

"Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

AMISH COMPUTER VIRUS:​

You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files.Thank thee.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorAn attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorBaby's First Doctor Visit





This made me laugh out loud.





I hope it will give you a smile!




A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.





The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.





"Breast-fed," she replied.





"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.





She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.





Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,




"No wonder this baby is underweight.





You don't have any milk."





I know," she said,




"I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorBill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to

feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.



One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.



A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'



Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'



'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'



'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde

waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'



'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'



'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89

years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' ..



'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 

[Addie4TLC]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorHope it's not a repeat....

Senior's Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all
excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
*Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

*Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

*Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

*Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

*Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

*Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

*Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

*Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

*Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

*Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

*Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat's a good one, Addie!

 

[pampchefsarah]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThese are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________ _______________________________


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now d doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WI TNESS: Are you shittin' me?
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid.
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________ _ ________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Just had to pass this on. I got a good laugh out of it.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humornew way to cut cost for state workers
Published 55 minutes ago DUE TO BUDGET CUTS
>
> EFFECTIVE MARCH 1, 2009
>
> NEW SCHOOL POLICY
>
> Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed
> according to your salary.
>
> 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci
> bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and
> therefore do not need a raise.
>
> 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
> money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
> therefore you do not need a raise.
>
> 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to
> be and therefore you do not need a raise.
>
> Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as
> proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
> are able to come to work.
>
> Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days
> a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement
> Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
> you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
> effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
> funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
> employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
> scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
> you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
> one hour early.
>
> Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in
> the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
> in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
> sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
> will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
> offense, your picture will be posted on the company
> bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.
> Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned
> under the company's mental health policy.
>
> Lunch Break:
>
> * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to
> eat more, so that they can look healthy.
>
> * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
> balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
>
> * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all
> the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast..
>
> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
> provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
> questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
> irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
> accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should
> be directed elsewhere.
>
> The Management

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWARNING_ MAY OFFEND or embarrass..


This is an actual letter from an Austin , Texas woman sent to the American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
******






Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong.'
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,
Wendi
Austin , TX

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorIn-Flight Announcements



1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced: "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

4. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Church Warshttp://www.lifeisajoke.com/Pictures/churchwars.jpg

 

[nikked]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOh, my, goodness. That is craziness defined!!!

Thanks for the giggle!!!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat's very sad and hysterically funny at the same time. No wonder some people think Christians are idiots.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA Well-Planned RetirementOutside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.
Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.Sitting in his villa in somewhere in Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million)!

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor> > Eight Words with two meanings
> >
> > 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
> >
> > Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
> >
> > Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
> >
> >
> >
> > 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
> >
> > Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
> >
> > Male..... Playing football without a cup.
> >
> >
> >
> > 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
> >
> > Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
> > partner.
> >
> > Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
> > boys.
> >
> >
> >
> > 4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
> >
> > Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family. !
> >
> > Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n
> >
> > Female..... A good movie, concert, play or book.
> >
> > Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
> >
> >
> >
> > 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
> >
> > Female.... An embarrass ing byproduct of indigestion.
> >
> > Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male
> > bonding.
> >
> >
> >
> > 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
> >
> > Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
> > achieve.
> >
> > Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
> >
> >
> >
> > 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
> >
> > Female.... A d evice for changing from one TV channel to another.
> >
> > Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
> > minutes.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > AND
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing
> > to put in it.
> >
> > She said . . You wear pants don't you?

 

[AnnieBee]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.
Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa in somewhere in Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million)!

OK, now I have to find out if this is true (I'm guessing not, unfortunately, as it's a great story!). I went to undergrad in Bristol (AWESOME city, BTW), and visited the zoo often. They have a great meerkat exhibit!

I can't believe it's been TWELVE years since I left there for here!! Time flies...

 

[pamperedlinda]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

If you were around in 1919
(just before prohibition started)
and came upon the following poster.........​

http://i215.photobucket.com/albums/cc293/lindachild/prohibition.jpg


I mean seriously, would you quit drinking?​

 

[Saturday Gourmet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOk, I'm LOVING this thread! One of my favorites is TIMBUKTU



The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Medical School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from the mountains of North Carolina.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How they wondered could the redneck top that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used
in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was
used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that
the brain is also important.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used
in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was
used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that
the brain is also important.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is,"explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a...?" "Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom." "We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, "housewife covers it," said the recorder emphatically.I forgot all about her story until one day..I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."The clerk paused, ballpoint pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire."Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Cooly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood! . What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants."

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used
in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was
used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that
the brain is also important.

Many of those early players DID have their brains protected. At least, they protected what many men seem to think with.

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

Many of those early players DID have their brains protected. At least, they protected what many men seem to think with.

Yes, the one that helps them score, but not hockey goals!!! For those who are not as "young" as say, KG and myself, I remember I was a big Boston Bruins fan in High School. (It had something to do with school girl crushes the likes of Derek Sanderson and Bobby Orr:angel. They did not wear helmets then and the fights were just as intense! Padding and "cups" all over the place, but nothing on the head. The goalies even wore not head or throat protection...and now they look like "Transformers"!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

I can't believe it's been TWELVE years since I left there for here!! Time flies...

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

--Groucho Marx

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Sunday Paper"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" an irate senior citizen screamed into the phone to the newspaper office, loudly demanding to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", replied the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper isn't delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, crap! That's why no one was in church today."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorUndies


Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that
the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's
very good at them.


Mum said: "YOU should say NO...they only want to look
at your undies."


Susie said: "I know they do that's why I hide them in
my backpack!!"

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorGood one, Terry!!! The innocence of a child!! And the "curiousity" of young boys!!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorDoesn't sound like those boys are so curious anymore.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorYesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorNINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorBreaking and Entering A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOne evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

 

[babywings76]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

Oh my goodness..I just read this! I am laughing so hard, I'm crying!!

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?




The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.



That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?




The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.




The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.


The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?


The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.




Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...





>...silver, topaz, and amethyst.





Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .






The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight


. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorRamblings of a Retired Mind1. Employment applications always ask "who is to be contacted in case of an emergency." I think you shuld write down, "a good doctor."2. Sadly, I have gotten the dreaded "furniture disease." That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!"3. When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want say, "No, it's for company!"4. Wives should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans ... that's assuming they want him back.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorJohn was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe potty

a little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "billy, are you all right?you've been in here for a while.
Billy says: "i'm fine, mommy.. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

billy says: "works for ketchup."

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

The potty

a little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "billy, are you all right?you've been in here for a while.
Billy says: "i'm fine, mommy.. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

billy says: "works for ketchup."

I am SO LAUGHING outloud right now!!!! Thank you!!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorYou obviously relish that joke.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorsent to me... but for those moms out there... this is for you..

When
I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much
happiness...just as they did
I want to pay back all the joy they've
provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm
an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with
reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my
shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff
all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and
live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of
reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap
their fingers and then shake their head,
(When I'm an old lady and live
with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not
eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on
the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
(When
I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV,
through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if
they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in
the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my
kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in
prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile
slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, 'She's so sweet when she's
sleeping!'

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

You obviously relish that joke.

I had to catch up my breath, I was laughing so hard!!!
Well, I have to get back to work or I will be getting be Heinz!
I have so much on my plate being a food service director.
Lots of garbage to put up with too!



Pun intended

 

[Saturday Gourmet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA little old lady was wheeling her way around the nursing home where she lived. From behind her she could hear a retired police officer with dementia going, "WHOOOOOO, WHOOO, WHOOOOOOO! Pull it over ma'am."

She pulled her wheelchair to the side of the hallway and said, "Is there a problem, Officer?" The little old man informed her that she was speeding and needed to see her license. She rifled through her purse and handed him a gum wrapper. He looked it over and said, "You may go, but drive safely."

The next day, the same little woman heard the same sound and pulled over to the side of the hallway. This time, the officer told her she was riding to the left of center and asked once again to see her license and registration. She looked in her purse and handed the little old man a Wal-Mart receipt. He thanked her, gave her a warning, and sent her on her way.

A few days later, the little old lady was wheeling through the hall. When she passed the police officer's room, she heard the "siren" again. She looked and the little old retired policeman was standing on his bed, buck naked, and swirling his hips. The little old lady sighed and said, "Oh no, not the breath-alyzer again!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

I had to catch up my breath, I was laughing so hard!!!
Well, I have to get back to work or I will be getting be Heinz!
I have so much on my plate being a food service director.
Lots of garbage to put up with too!



Pun intended

I can think of 57 varieties of ways you can get your buns be Heinz at work. Be careful not to get into a pickle, especially if you can't cut the mustard. It always takes so long to ketchup.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI have a love/hate relationship with my cell phone. It is largely due to the phenomenon known as "the dropout zone." This is that moment when you are deep into the story about how there was just one pair left in your size on the 75 percent off rack and you suddenly realize that when you best friend should be "oohing" and "ahing" your shopping superiority, there is now only this strange digital silence. This is the moment that makes those commercials where the guy is continually saying, "Can you hear me know?" seem like reality TV. ----Anita Renfroe If You Can't Lose It Decorate It! Perpetual Calendar

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorIF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.




CASH FOR CLUNKERS...........I QUALIFY - How about You?

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLas Vegas Churches
Accept gambling
Chips


THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME
WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE
BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM
MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE
OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR
COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS
ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.



THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLetter from Wayne .....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a fulltime job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.. I don't yell at her.. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice , big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more
tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Wayne


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorYOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009
When.....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works a t the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13.. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF