Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorRETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(This was actually reported by a teacher)After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from School. One child wrote the following:We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because I guess they don't know who they are anymore.They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.At the gate there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.Sometimes someone does escape, and they go cruising around in their golf carts.Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wreck center for pot luck.My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

 

[baychef]

Abbott and Costello...2010You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know.. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI love this!

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat's cool KG!!

 

[esavvymom]

Maxine - On Life as a Walmart GreeterMaxine - On Life as a Walmart Greeter

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

*About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly in my Walmart Greeter voice, *'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to turn on me and say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?'

So I very courteously replied (putting on my best Walmart Greeter manners)...

'Oh no Madam, I'm neither blind nor stupid.*I just didn't understand*why someone would have sex with you more than once. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

I*simply can't understand why.

I used exactly the same tone of voice they brainwashed me to use.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorBe Careful How You Talk To Us Old People

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"



All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'



The room erupted in applause.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWow, KG, that's cool.

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorHere's one that was shared at our Spring Launch meeting yesterday. The (very young) daughter of one of the upper-level Directors came up with it, just for Jean Jonas.Jean, knock knock.
Who's there?
Wa.
Wa who?
Why are you so excited? It's just a knock knock joke.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat's good. I think Jean would love it. She seems like a really fun, down-to-earth person.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWill was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

That's good. I think Jean would love it. She seems like a really fun, down-to-earth person.

I think she proved that with her response to our Cheffer Saturday before Christmas poem a couple of years ago.

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorYeah - Jean really liked it at the meeting. Especially because she actually got to participate in the joke as the knockee.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorIT PAYS TO SPEAK PENNSYLVANIA DUTCHAn Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man scooping water from his pond to drink.Knowing it's in his livestock field, the Amish man quickly shouts:"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser!!! Die Kuhe und die*Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"*Which means: "Don't drink the water!!! The cows and pigs have uhhhh...defecated (yeah that's it) in it!"The man shouts back: "I am*Muslim. I do not understand, nor do*I care to understand your gibberish. Speak English or go away you infidel!"The Amish man shouts back in perfect English:"Okay...Use two hands, you'll get more!!!"

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorCup of Tea .One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know..
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water
is the toilet?

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI have seen the tea story several times and always cracks me up.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorFATHER OF THE YEAR

A man boarded a plane with five kids. (Gutsy guy!)


After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."


I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTerry, thanks for the good laugh!!! Loved it!

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorAnother self-defense tactic! --Claudia


A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Bible study , when
she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing
her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be
Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did
you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing scripture
can save your life - in more ways than one!

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWarning--- May offend Blondes

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times. '

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLost Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMedical Professionals

These singers are all Anesthesiologists in Minnesota and they can really sing. They are also funny. Here they sing "Waking up is hard to do" click below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOrjcLJ2IE0&feature=related

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"


During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole, and they are interchangeable!


Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the cr*p out of him.

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOn Aging

YouTube - Tim Hawkins- Old Rock Star Songs


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorHigher Education

Ten things to do with a graduate Economics textbook
1. Press pretty flowers.
2. Press pretty insects.
3. Use it as paper weight on your already overcluttered desk.
4. Leave out in obvious places to impress uninformed undergraduates.
5. Mail to the White House as an intimidation tactic.
6. Give it a walk-on part in a boring European existentialist play.
7. Just throw the lousy thing away.
8. Leave out for the rain and other forces of nature to reckon with.
9. Read it, and weep.
10. Get a refund from bookstore so you can buy a weekend's beer supply.


Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Week of Class:
1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream 'My pacemaker!'
3. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "You! What did I just say?"
4. If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
5. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask me, Winky Willy".
6. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering tsk, tsk.
7. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your behind looks fat.
8. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
9. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
10. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
11. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
12.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
13. Address students as worm.


-Differences Between High School and College-
1. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study
2. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
3. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.
4. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
5. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.
6. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
7. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe Results of Having Too Many Alcoholic Beverages

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officer’s arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe Intelligence of Children

Little Girl on a Plane

A Congressman seated next to a little girl on an airplane suggested they talk to pass the time and help make the flight go quicker.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know s**t?'



A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI'm Fine
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"



Yeah, I would say I'm fine also-RM

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorHope you all enjoy these. I was bored and it is only 9:45 pm.

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTwo Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.


2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?


1st woman: I froze to death.


2nd woman: How horrible!







1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?


2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV






1st woman: So, what happened?








2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.








1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

[baychef]

Sharing PeanutsA tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.


She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.


She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself? We can't chew them because we've no teeth,' she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them, then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor Mother In Law Jokes (I post these knowing I will be a MIL someday. All the while hoping I won't be a 'bad' MIL)

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
*****************************************************************

A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First wish: "I would like one billion dollars."
Genie: "Ok but mom gets two billion."
Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie: "OK but mom gets two islands."
Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."
............
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your new mother-in law backing off a cliff in your new Mercedes.
............
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who got married, and at the wedding reception, toasted his mother-in-law?
.............
My mother-in-law found a new cheap way of making sour cream - she just buys a container of milk and stares at it for a couple of minutes.
.........
If you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "woman Hitler".
..........
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
...........
Two cannibals were sitting down eating lunch.

One says to the other, "You know, I just can't stand my mother-in-law."

The other one replies, "Forget about her! Just put her to the side and eat the mashed potatoes."
.......
My mother in law and I were happy for 20 years.

Then we met each other.
.......................
How do you stop your mother in law from drowning?

- Take your foot off her head.
..........
What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law rolling around in pain on the ground?

Shoot her again.
............
Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet down, when everyone else is buried 6 feet down?

- Because, deep down, they really are very nice people.

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA chicken and James bond meet.
The chicken says: "Whats your name?"
Bond says "Bond, James Bond."
James Bond asks the chicken "Whats yours?"
The chicken says "Ken, Chick Ken."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

When food goes badhttp://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/my-food-looks-funy-apple-attack.jpg?w=500&h=406

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorNow that's clever.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorhttp://myfoodlooksfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/1291315360984946751.jpg

I've just never been able to finish a Rubik's Cube.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorIf you are 30, or older, you might think this is*hilarious!*When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....*Uphill...Barefoot...*BOTH*ways... yadda, yadda, yadda**And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no
way in hell I was going to lay*a bunch of crap like that on my kids
about how hard I had it*and how easy they've got it!** **************
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help
but look around and notice the youth of today. *You've got
it so easy! *I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!***And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good
you've got it!*I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. *If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!***There was no email!! *We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!***Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week*to get there! *Stamps were 10 cents!***Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had*permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!*There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! *If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and*shoplift it yourself!**Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!There were no CD players! *We had tape decks in our*car. *We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it*when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it**useless. *Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! *Dig?**We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! *If you were on*the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal,*that's it!*There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the*house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You*actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH*MY GOSH !!! *Think of the horror... not being in touch with*someone 24/7!!! *And then there's TEXTING. *Yeah,*right. *Please! *You kids have no idea how annoying you*are.**And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you*had no idea who it was! *It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection*agent... you just didn't know!!! *You had to pick it up and*take your chances, mister!*We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with*high-resolution 3-D graphics! *We *had*the Atari 2600! *With games like 'Space Invaders' and
'Asteroids'. *Your screen guy was a little square! *You*actually had to use your imagination!!! *And there were no*multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!**And you could never win. *The game just kept getting*harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
***************Just like LIFE!***You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what*was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!*You had to get off your arse and walk over to the TV to*change the channel!!! *NO REMOTES!!! *Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!**There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons*on Saturday Morning. *Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to*wait*ALL WEEK*for*cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!*And we didn't have microwaves. *If we wanted to heat*something up, we had to use the stove! *Imagine that!** ***************
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. *And if**you came back inside... you were doing chores!****************
* And car seats - oh, please! *Mom threw you*in the back seat and you hung on. *If you were lucky, you*got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last*moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the*dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot*gun" in the first place! ***
See! *That's exactly what I'm talking*about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!*You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980*or any*time before!**************Regards,
**************The Over 30 Crowd***

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA friend sent this to me....



What men are like....


1. Men are like Laxative They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4.Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8.Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe Veterinarian


One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope

containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was

collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive

pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until

the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.




"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a

week in the collection plate," he stated.


"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me

money and I give some of it to the church."




The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot,

are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send

you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful;

what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they

made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does

he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two

cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humormay offend liberals.



The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a
huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little
wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy
will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll
forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand?
Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMURDER AT WAL MART

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage,
a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie..' Artie explained to
the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up
front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill
that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed
to accept the dollar a s down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super
Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department &
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the
manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he
could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the
hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)








'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for$1.00 at WAL-MART!'


(Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my
warped friends and then send it on to you---)

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA Wife asks her

Husband, How many

Women have you slept with?
Husband proudly replies, Only

You, Darling-With all the

Others, I was awake!


Hospital Visiting Hours are;

10am - 4pm.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God
loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat's funny!

 

[pamperedlinda]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorGot this one from my granny the other day:

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
'Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land.'

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, 'Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, and light up a camel.... this is the promised land.'

Now Obama has stolen your shovels, taxed your asses, raised the price of
camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land.
Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about healthcare, lost jobs,
the economy, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called
Lifeline, the suicide helpline. . . and I got a call center in Pakistan . I told
them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorPi are not square, pi are round.

http://myfoodlooksfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129158064434223835.jpg

Oh, wait a minute...Apple pi are square.

http://myfoodlooksfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129155830016426907.jpg

 

[kaiser]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorlol!! the kitchen guy

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorDuring a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThis is a clean joke, folks, even though it will lead to some adult inferences
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.'And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'Harry:
'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorPop-O-Matic Kitten

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat's funny.

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI saw that on LOL cats too and loved it. Many funny things on LOL cats...of course, I love my kitty (Moose).