Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a Cheffer asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said the Cheffer. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.""No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with a window?

 

[baychef]

Further evidence that real life is funnier than anything made up.

(And thanks to The Soup on E for compiling all the funny bits.) Good Morning America had a segment on the next great war. Not nuclear. Not in space.

Weiner wars.

The best part? The name of the expert they brought on. Ready for it?

Harry Balzer.

Well, he would know!! When I was a weird teenager, (as opposed to a weird adult, now!!) I used to go with my parents on vacations. We were on our way back from FL and for some reason, each place I went, I would look in their phone book for anyone with our last name. I happened to notice when we were in VA or somewhere near DC, that there was a Col. Harry Zipper listed in the phone book.

Question: WHY would you name your child this name?
Comment: I bet he was beat up a lot in school
Comment: I bet none of his under classmen in the armed services f***ed with him about his name.
Comment: I bet LOTS of them got in a lot of trouble...how could you keep a straight face?!?!

 

[raebates]

I was reading todays paper and Howard T Howard passed away. What kind of cruelly unimaginative parent would name their child Howard Howard?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Just a selection of names from...Remarkable Names of Real People by John Train (1977)

# A. A. A. D'Artagnan Umslopagaas Dynamite Macaulay (London Times)
# Ave Maria Klinkenberg, Yonkers, New York
# Bambina Broccoli, New York City
# Mrs Belcher Wack Wack [Miss Belcher married Mr Wack and then married his brother]
# Bugless, Energetic, Euphrates, and Goliath Smith (Indexes of Births for England and Wales)
# DeFred Goo Folts, Director of Placement, Harvard Graduate School of Business Administration, Cambridge, Massachusetts.
# Charles Adolphe Faux-Pas Bidet, Commissaire de Police, Paris, France. [Faux-Pas Bidet received heavy press coverage in the 1930s when he investigated the abduction of General Kutylpov, a White Russian leader in Paris]
# F. G. Vereneseneckockkrockoff, San Francisco, California.
# Gaston J. Feeblebunny
# (Miss) Horsey de Horsey, Intimate friend of Lord Cardigan, who on a notable occasion banged on her door shouting, "My dearest, she's dead!", referring to her late Ladyship, "Let's get married at once!"
# Humperdink Fangboner, Lumber Dealer, and Fanny Fangboner, Nurse, Sandusky, Ohio.
# John Senior, Jr., New York City.
# Justin Tune, Chorister, Westminster Choir College, Princeton, New Jersey.
# Mark Clark Van Ark, Toledo, Ohio.
# Mary Louse Pantzaroff, Huron Country, Ohio.

And my favorite, for Chefann...

C. Sharp Minor, Silent Movie Organist, Rochester, New York.

 

[katie0128]

I was reading todays paper and Howard T Howard passed away. What kind of cruelly unimaginative parent would name their child Howard Howard?

The same type of people that named a girl I knew in college Tracey Tracy and a fellow student in high school Mister. But the best was when I was a birth records coordinator in L&D at a hospital. With everyone else I ever met with odd names, I never had the opportunity to actually ask the parents "Why?". But as the birth record coord., it was my job to talk with each new mom and go over the birth certificate information and forms with her... so I got to actually as "Why" to a few people. One mom wrote U'Highness on the form. When questioned if she really wanted U'Highness as her daughter's name, she seemed genuinely shocked. Her response was, "Well, her sister's name is U'Magesty." U'Highness is about 4 now and I still feel so sorry for her!

 

[raebates]

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, "Aye,aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately". He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it".The moral: Anyone can promise change, but don't count on things smelling any better.

 

[raebates]

A so-called friend shared this with me. Take a really close look at the "tank top," if you dare.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

That tank top picture is as bad as the Burt Reynold's picture !

Eeew- who would want their DH undies as a shirt?!?!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The photo might be more interesting if she turned around.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

For you cat lovers...from icanhascheezburger.comhttp://icanhascheezburger.wordpress.com/files/2008/06/funny-pictures-pet-door-stuck-on-cat.jpg

http://icanhascheezburger.wordpress.com/files/2008/06/funny-pictures-cat-blanchett-stares-you-down.jpg
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/cate_blanchett_12903254.jpg

http://icanhascheezburger.wordpress.com/files/2008/06/funny-pictures-determination-cat-birdhouse.jpg

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorNot a joke - a real article. But it's pretty funny.
From Yahoo news (http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/ustechnologytransportoffbeat;_ylt=ApgD0hqE76O5GcNwCaMHeC4eO7gF)ADULT CONTENT FOLLOWSWTF... abbreviation on car plates makes Americans blushThu Jun 26, 5:54 PM ETOMG! What is that on my car's license plate?That's the question asked by 10,000 drivers who registered their vehicles in North Carolina last year and got registrations starting with "WTF."Long just an innocuous combination of three letters, like OMG ("Oh my God!") WTF is now heavy with vulgar connotations: it is an oft-used email and mobile phone abbreviation that means "What the f***."In North Carolina, WTF plates were issued to some 9,999 drivers last year, including elementary school teacher Mary Ann Hardee, who teaches computing and technology, the News and Observer newspaper reported earlier this month."She wasn't hip to the Internet-age significance of her new license plate -- until she caught her teenage grandchildren giggling at it," Dan Kane, staff writer at the paper wrote.Hardee, 60, told the paper she "developed this real self-consciousness" once she found out what her number plate meant in techno-shorthand.She petitioned the Department of Motor Vehicles, which ordered that she and everyone else who had a WTF number plate should receive new plates FOC -- free of charge.This year, North Carolina registrations have three-letter combinations starting with the letter Y.The Department of Motor Vehicles has carefully scrutinized the plates and deemed that none are offensive, according to the News and Observer.They must have overlooked YBF, which means "You've been f****d."

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorNot a specific joke, but I wanted to share one of my favorite blogs: Crummy Church Signs. I've been submitting crummy signs that I see around town, and have one included on today's new post. They've got a fun feature, too, that allows readers to add their own snarky comments to the signs.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorCafe sign seen in trendy, up-scale neighborhood:

Coffee and a Kick in the Pants
(formerly Tea and Sympathy)​

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLittle Johnny Scores Points With Grandma



Little Johnny's family was at Grandmother's house for Sunday dinner.


As soon as the food was served, Little Johnny started eating.


"John! Wait till we say the prayer," said his mother.


"Don't have to," he replied.


"Yes, you do!" insisted his mother. "At our house we always pray before our meals."


"Sure, at our house," said Johnny. "But this is Grandma's house. She's a good cook!"

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for
your water allocation."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go
WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. "Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep Running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on
the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

Little Johnny Scores Points With Grandma



Little Johnny's family was at Grandmother's house for Sunday dinner.


As soon as the food was served, Little Johnny started eating.


"John! Wait till we say the prayer," said his mother.


"Don't have to," he replied.


"Yes, you do!" insisted his mother. "At our house we always pray before our meals."


"Sure, at our house," said Johnny. "But this is Grandma's house. She's a good cook!"

The first time my DS heard this joke, he came home and told it to me. Then he said, "But that's backwards for our family. You're a really good cook and Grandma's not."

I love that boy. :love:

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTo Be 6Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the
mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day! He put her one very ride in the park; the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt up side down. He then took her to a McDonald's where
he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it
was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'

The moral of the story:Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The A to Z of ToolsHere's one to share with those who live with you and spend a lot of time in the garage.

The A-Z of Tools:

• DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
  
• WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere across the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "Ouch".
  
• ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
  
• PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
  
• HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
  
• VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  
• OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
  
• WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
  
• HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
  
• EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
  
• TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
  
• PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
  
• SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
  
• E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
  
• TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
  
• TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
  
• CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
  
• BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
  
• AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
  
• TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under automobiles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
  
• PHILIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
  
• AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
  
• PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  
• HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
  
• HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
  
• MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and leather jackets.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorKG, that made The Furry Guy laugh with sound.

 

[raebates]

The Bathing Suit(This may have been posted before. I wasn't worried enough about a repeat to read through pages and pages and pages of posts.)

When I was a child in the 1960s, more so in the 70's ( so I don't date myself ) the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an over-sized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water.

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

My Easy-Chicken Recipe That Was Rejected by The Pampered ChefHere is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
stuffing - imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect
for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is
thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.

4-5 lb. Chicken
1-cup melted butter
1-cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is best)
1-cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Lightly salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, then
salt and pepper. Fill the cavity with the stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's butt blows the oven door
open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTwo eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

 

[ragschef]

Re: My Easy-Chicken Recipe That Was Rejected by The Pampered Chef

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
stuffing - imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect
for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is
thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.

4-5 lb. Chicken
1-cup melted butter
1-cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is best)
1-cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Lightly salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, then
salt and pepper. Fill the cavity with the stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's butt blows the oven door
open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

Popcorn is one of my favorite foods and I think you may have just ruined it for me. :cry: I was actually going to try this...:blushing:

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Want AdsFREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month.Wife knows
everything.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'

The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorFerocious Attack Kitten
Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him.

This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following:

* insects

* other trained attack kittens

* babies

* toilet paper

* anything under a blanket

* unwanted house guests

* paper bags

* floor rugs

* Chuck Norris

* Feet.

Great with children (assuming you donʼt like the children). Probably best used for professional cat fighting. He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be. This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink. Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide.

Neutered (trust me, you won't want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you'll figure that out really fast.

Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear - however he will bite your face if you try to touch it.

Willing to accept trades.. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens... please be prepared to show scars.

For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorhttp://icanhascheezburger.wordpress.com/files/2008/03/funny-pictures-kittens-attack-feet.jpg

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorToo cute, KG...

DH and I had a ferocious attack cat...so when someone emailed that to me, I had to post it! Too funny!

 

[elizabethfox]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat is pretty funny Elizabeth!

 

[ragschef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

I was reading todays paper and Howard T Howard passed away. What kind of cruelly unimaginative parent would name their child Howard Howard?

This is no joke. We have a news anchorman at one of our local tv stations whose name is Neill McNeill. I also went to school with a guy whose name was William Bill Williams. I also had a girlfriend years ago who married her first husband and her name was Jeffrie Jefferies. She's now divorced and went back to her maiden name -- who could really blame her?

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTHE MIDDLE WIFE

BY AN ANONYMOUS 2ND GRADE TEACHER

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.



When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.



Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'



'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.



'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)



'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)



'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)



'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'



Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

This is no joke. We have a news anchorman at one of our local tv stations whose name is Neill McNeill. I also went to school with a guy whose name was William Bill Williams. I also had a girlfriend years ago who married her first husband and her name was Jeffrie Jefferies. She's now divorced and went back to her maiden name -- who could really blame her?

I went to school with Bobby Roberts. And I am refunding lunch money to Shannon Shannon.

Which all of this begs the question...why didn't they slap the parents instead of the baby?!?!

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorFor several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, ' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.On the card was written:'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.Three with meatballs, two without.Send extra sauce.'

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI got this in my inbox yesterday, and I think it would appeal to several of the usual suspects around here.===There aren’t many authors who could craft an entertaining and coherent narrative out of Schopenhauer, Joseph Stalin, and penis jokes, but Jim Holt has managed it with Stop Me If You’ve Heard This: The History and Philosophy of Jokes.Begun as an assignment for The New Yorker in 2004, the slim but information-jammed volume traces jokes from the Greeks to Garry Shandling, then poses a philosophical question: Why does humor make us laugh? The answer, as explained by Holt and supported with a Friar’s Club roast’s worth of jokes, is both fascinating and, yes, actually funny.Along the way, we’re introduced to history’s leading agelasts (non-laughers, including Sir Isaac Newton, Spinoza, and — surprise! — Stalin) and learn that Freud’s take on jokes was interesting (he saw them as a release of inhibitions) but his delivery absurdly terrible (“An impoverished individual borrowed 25 florins from a prosperous acquaintance . . .”).By the end of the book, you’ll know exactly why you’re laughing.http://link.veryshortlist.com/r/EA5ED1/9HC/B5Q8O/U8T2/97A5/B7/h Stop Me If You’ve Heard This: A History and Philosophy of Jokes (W.W. Norton; hardcover; 160 pages)http://link.veryshortlist.com/r/EA5ED1/9HC/B5Q8O/U8T2/C4MK/B7/h Ask.com for more information on Stop Me If You’ve Heard This: A History and Philosophy of Jokes

 

[pcchefjane]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! That is worse than the guy mowing his lawn with the "daisy duke shorts on" with the belly that almost covers them!:yuck:

Birds of a feather flock together and then they crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

 

[pcchefjane]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTHE YEAR'S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chain-saw Massacre all over again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorhttp://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/stick1.jpg
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[ragschef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorHUMOUR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months .

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe three-year-old boy opens his birthday gift from Grandma, to find a water pistol. Squealing with delight, he runs to fill it.Mom, obviously not as thrilled as her son, turns to Grandma and says, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"Smiling, Grandma replies, "I remember."

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWays to know if Martha Stewart is stalking you
by Becky FreemanYou find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.No matter where you eat, you place setting always includes an oyster fork.You wake up on the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing on both ears.You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorStill smarting after a late-evening punishment, little Johnny kneels down with Daddy by the side of the bed to say his evening prayers. He finishes the prayer with the usual blessings for all the members of the family, except one. Turning to Daddy, he says, "I suppose you noticed you were not included."

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are on the golf course. The pastor is up to the tee when
the conversation turns to the subject of exactly when life begins. The priest says, "Life begins at the moment of conception."The rabbi says, "No. Life begins at the moment of birth."The two turn to the pastor, who is contemplating his shot. Finally, sensing their gaze, he turns to his two friends and says, "Actually, it is my belief that life truly begins the moment the last child enters college and the dog dies."

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorReceived these in an email. They made me chuckle, so I decided to share them:They Walk Among Us, and They Reproduce!I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back .... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the g irl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'?While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too" another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:"Make 'em all ugly again."NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPYLife is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.

Too funny!! I just forwarded it to my office buddies!Have you posted it on the humor thread?

She has now.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

HeadlinesWell, good luck with your search!

____________________________

Well, who would have ever thought that?

____________________________

Your tax dollars at work I

____________________________


Your tax dollars at work II

____________________________


Your tax dollars at work III

____________________________


Your tax dollars at work IV

____________________________


Ya think?

____________________________


If you've seen this ma...er...woma...er...shape, please call someone.

____________________________


Sibling Rivalry

____________________________


Where can I get some of this paint?

____________________________

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

HeadlinesWatch out for those poison control poisons

____________________________


Another bitter clinger to his guns and religion

____________________________


They all seemed okay until Bill met Monica so we're not sure about that adultery thing.

____________________________


Lawyers - who needs 'em?

____________________________


Stand up, Chuck!

____________________________

 

[Addie4TLC]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor10 Truths Black and Hispanic people know but White
people won't admit

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in
line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is
not normal.



10 Truths White and Black People know but Hispanic
people won't admit

1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food not a pet or a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
7. 'Jump out and run' is not in any insurance
policies.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a
bad fashion statement.
9. Mami & Papi cant possibly be the nickname of
every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the
store is not normal.



10 Truths white and Hispanic people know but Black
people won't admit

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth shouldn't be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. Red is not a Kool Aid flavor, its a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth
more than your car.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

How To Tell That You've Grown UpHow To Tell That You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
2. You keep more food in the refrigerator than beer.
3. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not go to bed.
4. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
5. You watch the Weather Channel.
6. Your friends marry and divorce, not hook-up and break-up.
7. Vacation goes from 120 days to two weeks.
8. Jeans and a sweater are no longer "dressed up."
9. You're the one calling the police because the $%$#&*! kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
10. Relatives tell adult jokes in your presence.
11. You can't remember what time the Taco Bell drive-thru closes.
12. You car insurance goes down and your car payment goes up.
13. You feed your dog Iams or Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
14. You take naps.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. Dinner and a movie is a date, not the beginning of one.
17. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
18. Eating buffalo wings at 3:00 AM upsets your stomach instead of settling it.
19. You go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no long "Pretty good stuff."
21. The phrase, "I just can't drink as much as I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
22. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of the computer is actually for work.
24. You drink at home to save money at the bar.
25. You congratulate your friends for becoming pregnant instead of being shocked.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorGood, KG. Um, one question, though. Does time on CS count as "actually for work"? If not, I'd say that one needs to go.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorDefinitions given by children in Sunday School:Conversion: The point after a touchdown.
Fast Days: The days you have to eat in a hurry.
Epistle: The wife of an apostle.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

College Pumpkins