Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorStress Relief
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests.

The funny thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

See. You're smiling already.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTwo women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help.

I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,

still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?



He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor> Here's to those that want to get in shape for hunting season.
>
> A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
> program.
>
> The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him
> a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
> pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
>
> She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
> company.
>
> The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
>
> Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
> huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
>
> The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On
> the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find
> he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
>
> He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
>
> The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
> stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
> wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
> that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
>
> Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
> excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
> next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting
> in better and better shape
>
> Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
> discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to
> go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound
> program
>
> 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our
> most rigorous program.'
>
> 'Absolutely,' he replies,'I haven't felt this good in years.
>
> The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
> finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
> running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you,
> your ass is mine.'
>
> He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorRob and Bill were sitting in their cell talking. Rob said to Bill, “You're getting out in a couple of weeks. Are you going straight or back in Politics?"

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9.. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14.. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to
Take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his
Eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. ' The next night it was a
Different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the
Roof with his snoring. I watched him all night ..' The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big
Burly ex-Navy man; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said.
They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob
Into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

With age comes wisdomMy 72 year old uncle loves to fish. He was sitting on the ice the other day, chekcing his tip-ups when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. My uncle said, "Are you talking to me?"The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your constant companion!"My uncle looked at the frog for a short time, reached down, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front jacket pocket.Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into your beautiful playmate!"My uncle opened his pocket, looked down and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."With age comes wisdom.

 

[ragschef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorDo you fart in bed?


If this story doesn't make you cry from laughing so hard, let me know and i'll pray for you.



This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.


The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and


the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.


Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.


The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.


She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.


Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.


About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.


He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you.'


'what do you mean?' asked his wife.


'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.'


but by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in.'

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA desperate student came to a young professor's office hours. She glanced around, then up and down the hall, went in and closed his door. She knelt pleadingly and said, "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flipped back her hair and gazed into his eyes. "I mean," she whispered, "I would do anything."

He returned her gaze. "Anything?" he replied.

"Anything."

His voice softened. "Anything?"

"Anything," she whispered, tipping her head seductively.

He whispered, "Would you ... study?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLast semester, a couple of sophomores at Northwestern were taking Organic Chemistry and doing pretty well. They scored well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two idiots were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Organic Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Wisconsin to a party with the professionals in Madison.

So that's what they did and they had a great time on State Street. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Evanston until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Dr. Meade after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Madison for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

Dr. Meade thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Dr. Meade had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: "For 95 points: "Which tire?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA sweet, little old lady walked into the newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper. The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it.

She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. He is survived by his loving wife, Edna, sons John and James and a daughter Winnifred. Viewing at the Ebeneezer Funeral Home on Wednesday from 5 to 9. Services at The Baptist Church on Thursday at 3 P.M."

The employee looked at the form and said, "That's nice, ma'am. Obituaries are 37¢ a word. That will be $17.76."

The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died. '57 Chevy truck for sale."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

From a show last weekendMildred went to a TPC show and the consultant brought out a tall, shiny object.

"What is that?" Miildred asked.

"It's a carafe," the consultant said. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

After some deliberation, Miildred ordered one, deciding it would be nice at home and maybe she could take it to work with her. The day after it was delivered, her car-pool arrived to pick her up for work and the driver was curious about the new object.

"What is it?" she asked.

"It's a carafe," Mildred replied. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"What'cha got in it?" she asked.

Mildred smiled broadly and said, "Three cups of coffee and a Popsicle."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWhat Love means to a 4-8 year old....
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.'

Chris - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8
And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWhen you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women,
> so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check
> for feet under the cubicle doors.
> Every cubicle is occupied.
> Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
> leaving the cubicle.
> You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has
> been so long you are about to wet your pants!
> The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no
> doubt) is handy, but empty.
> You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you
> carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in
> her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume '
> The Stance.
> In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake.
> You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to
> lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'
> To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
> discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
> In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had
> tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!'
> Your thighs shake more.
> You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
> one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have
> to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would
> have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still
> smaller than your thumbnail.
> Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
> The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
> chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
> 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,
> tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing
> altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of
> course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare
> bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
> uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there
> was any, even if you had taken time to try.
> You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because
> you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
> frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.
> By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
> confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
> against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that
> covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
> The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto
> the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
> At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
> toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you
> found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
> You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors,
> so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the
> line of women still waiting
> You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very
> end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your
> shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)
> You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell
> her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
> As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
> left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is
> your bag hanging around your neck?
> This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest
> rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to
> the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other
> commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's
> so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you
> Kleenex under the door.
> This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
> accurately.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMy former mother-in-law was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, my ex MIL remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!""Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSherry was in one of those big, we-have-it-all drug stores. It was packed with people. That time of the month was rapidly approaching, and she needed supplies. Faced with the wall of choices, it took her nearly forever to find her favorite brand. She was frustrated and more than a little irritated by the time she had braved the long line and arrived at the cash register. If you've ever been in this situation you know what's coming next. That's right. The price wasn't marked. Before Sherry could object, the cashier grabbed the microphone and said for all to hear, "Mike, I need a price check on the large box of Tampax." Sherry was mortified, but it only lasted for a moment. You see, Mike misunderstood the cashier and thought she said thumbtacks. When his reply, "Do you mean the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you have to pound in with a hammer?" came blaring back over the PA system, the laughter shook the walls of that big store.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl.”

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken
farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMy new screen cleaner...

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA routine cross-country flight took off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached the cruising altitude, the captain made the usual announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, greetings from the flight deck, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed.After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While making my announcement, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"A passenger in coach shouted back, "That's nothing! You should see the back of mine!"

 

[cutiechic]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat is just WRONG!! HAHAHAHA

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorhttp://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-firetruck-fail.jpg

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat reminds me of this one...A mother was carefully explaining to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the little girl seemed grasp the concept.A week later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. That same evening, the minister and his wife came to their house for dinner. Mom asked her little girl to tell them all what she had seen that day.Well," the little girl said, “There was this big fire today. A fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”

 

[janetupnorth]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorFunny! My DH sent me a picture last night...it was a firefighter in a recliner chair...I'll have to see if I still have that one!

 

[janetupnorth]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorhttp://failblog.wordpress.com/files/2009/02/fail-owned-firefighting-fai.jpg

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat was on the same site as the one I posted. I thought of you when I saw both. Not that you'd be in those situations, but just because of the connection.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

http://failblog.wordpress.com/files/2009/02/fail-owned-firefighting-fai.jpg

That was on the same site as the one I posted. I thought of you when I saw both. Not that you'd be in those situations, but just because of the connection.

Oh, noooooo, Janet would never do anything like THAT.

(The only thing missing is the remote and an end table with a beer on it.)

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorQ: How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).---OR---Q: How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?A: "My God! It burnt out!! Sell all my G.E. stock NOW!!!"

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in
and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to
browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Jones,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Jones, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras..

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3
in Housewares. Get on it right away?. This caused the employee to leave her
assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn
resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing
the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna look' by using
different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled
'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled
very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[elizabethfox]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorHA HA HA HA HA ... OMG that was hilarious!

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorNINE WORDS WOMEN USE 1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever'). (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying Up Yours! (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOne day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires."Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked..The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies."Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble."Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?""Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked."Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

 

[c00p]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorloved both of these!!

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ...

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy *again*, remarried,.... And this time, she & John

had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....

"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

And now, for something completely different...A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away."

The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.

The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."

"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.

"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."

"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."

"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it's being delivered in two days."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorReaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked Ann, "And what starting salary are you looking for?""In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package," Ann replied.The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"Ann sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Help WantedAre you qualified?

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe pilot and co-pilot of flight 456 on Eddie Rickityback's Trans-Dogpatch Airlines were going through their pre-flight checklist. On the last entry, the pilot said, "Fuel?" The co-pilot said, "Fuel? Didn't you fuel up?""No, I thought you did," the pilot replied. "How much fuel do we have?""Oh, I suspect," the co-pilot said, "We have just enough to get us to the crash site.""Okay," the pilot says. "Let's go!"

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSex, Church & PancakesSexThe mother of a
17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
Was having sex.Worried the girl might become pregnant
And adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the
Family doctor.The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
And any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
Rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
Control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
Condoms.Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
The woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of
CondomsThe girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
Saying:'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm
Dating Susan!'ChurchA man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
Preacher's' hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
Sermon. Damned good!'The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'The preacher said, 'No shit?'Pancakes Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.With some hesitation, they explained that although their
Little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
Rather small penis.After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
Pancakes. That should solve the problem.'The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there
Was a large stack of warm
Pan cakes in the middle of the table.'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?''Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThey walk among us1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]10. When a man 20 attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying, that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family...unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember... They walk among us and they VOTE!!!

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor> Marth's Way
>
> Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
>
> The Real Woman's Way
>
> Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake.. You are probably lying on the couch with your
> feet up eating it anyway.
>
> Marth's Way
>
> To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
>
> The Real Woman's Way
>
> Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
>
> Marth's Way
>
> When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any
> white mess on the outside of the cake.
>
> The Real Woman's Way
>
> Cosco sells cakes. They even do decorated versions.
>
> Marth's Way
>
> If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
>
> The Real Woman's Way
>
> If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh!t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I
> made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
>
> Marth's Way
>
> Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
>
> The Real Woman's Way
>
> It could keep forever. Who eats it?
>
> Marth's Way
>
> Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
>
> The Real Woman's Way
>
> Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still
> have the headache, but you wont give a sh*t?
>
> Marth's Way
>
> If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening
> jars easy.
>
> The Real Woman's Way
>
> Why do I have a man?
>
> Finally the most important tip
>
> I LIKE THIS ONE BEST.
>
> Marth's Way
>
> Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
>
> The Real Woman's Way
>
> left over wine???? Helllloooo

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorwas sent to me.... couldn't resist posting..


The Facecloth
>
> This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive
> today who won't crack up over this!
>
> I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one
> morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had
> been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed
> everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The
> trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
> spare.
>
> As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
> making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
> full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth
> that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that
> area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the
> clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
> appointment.
>
> I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
> Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
> looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
> Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised
> when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning,
> haven't we?'
>
> I didn't respond.
>
> After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest
> of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.
>
> After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from
> the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'
>
> I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
>
> She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my
> glitter saved inside it.'
>
> NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!
>

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him

She quietly called him over to her.




'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.










'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.










' Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.










'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.










'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.










Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

 

[ragschef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThree men were in the Labor and Delivery waiting room. The doctor came out and let the first one know that his wife had just given birth to twins. He looked at the other two and said, "well how bout that... I play ball for the Minnesota Twins."
A few minutes later another doc came out and told the second one that his wife had just given birth to triplets. He turned and said, "well how bout that? I work for the 3M company."
The third guy got up and started to walk out, very unenthused. The new dads asked where he was ogng and he replied, "Somewhere to lie down. I work for 7UP."




sorry. know its lame, but couldn't resist...

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat's a good one, Amanda!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLena was about to give birth and she was rushed to the maternity hospital. Her loving husband, Ole went into the delivery room to be with her, but Ole was not a very strong guy and just when it was getting good and Lena needed him most, he passed out from the sights and smells in the room. When Lena came to in the recovery room, she opened her eyes to see that Ole's brother, Sven, was standing next to the bed."Sven!" she said, "Where is my husband?!? Where's my Ole?!?""Oh, he's okay, Lena, everything is fine," Sven told her.Lena knew that Sven wasn't the sharpest blade in the combine, so she kept at it. "Sven, what about my babies?""Dey're fine, Lena, you haf a healthy girl and a healthy boy. Dey're in da nursery.""But what about my Ole?" she asked again."Oh, he passed out in the delivery room so da doctor put him in a room and he's resting now.""Is there anything else I should know, Sven?" she asked suspiciously."Well, Lena," Sven started, "When da babies was borned, da nurse wanted to know what names to put on da birth certificate. You vas worn out and Ole, well, Ole was passed out. But it's okay, I took care of everything."Lena's heart dropped. "Oh, Sven, what did you name my daughter?""Daniece," he replied.Well, that wasn't so bad, she thought. "And my boy?" she asked."Well, of course," Sven said, "Danephew."

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorNever Argue with a Woman...One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap..
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book..
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment'.
'I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorDear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began
unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1..0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator
to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 ..
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in
your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep
Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application
'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you
will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with
several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs .. Improper use will cause the system t
o launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .. Once this happens, the only way to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This
application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table..

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

 

[kaiser]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor"The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'" cute!