Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[pamperedlinda]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Perfect Man & The Perfect WomanIt's a safe link. (As far as I know, anyway.)

The Perfect Man & The Perfect Woman.

 

[Denarella]

Nicccccceeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

http://helpfindthemissing.org/forum/images/smilies/shock.gif http://helpfindthemissing.org/forum/images/smilies/67302.gif

 

[Denarella]

My father will LOVE this one....

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

This afternoon, The Kat Lady said I never listen.At least, I think that's what she said.

 

[raebates]

Warning: slightly adult content

Investment tips for 2008 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally ....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBang Bang

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Naw, Grey Poupon has put all their money into opening a school of higher learning.It's called Poupon U.

 

[raebates]

No joke, my son saw a billboard in Michigan for poopiecredit.com. I just keep thinking of the poor people who work there. I mean, can you imagine?So, where do you work?Ummm, uhhh, . . .

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

If that's a division of a bank, I don't think I'd want to make any deposits there.Let alone, a withdrawal.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy walks up to the ticket office of the Chicago Bears and says, "I would like to buy tickets to the playoff game this week."The nice lady at the window says, "I'm sorry, Sir, but there are no tickets. The Bears didn't make it to the playoffs." The guy tips his hat and leaves.The next day, the same guy walks up to the ticket office of the Chicago Bears and says, "I would like to buy tickets to the playoff game this week."The nice lady at the window says, "I'm sorry, Sir, but there are no tickets. The Bears didn't make it to the playoffs." The guy tips his hat and leaves.The third day in a row, the same guy walks up to the ticket office of the Chicago Bears and says, "I would like to buy tickets to the playoff game this week."The nice lady at the window says, "I'm sorry, Sir, but it's like I keep telling you, there are no tickets. The Bears didn't make it to the playoffs. Why do you keep coming here?" The guy says, "I drive down here every day from Green Bay, just to hear you say that!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Da Bearse - Updated VersionA guy walks up to the ticket office of the Chicago Bears and says, "I would like to buy tickets to the NFC Championship game this week."

The nice lady at the window says, "I'm sorry, Sir, but there are no tickets. The Bears didn't make it to the NFC Championship game." The guy tips his hat and leaves.

The next day, the same guy walks up to the ticket office of the Chicago Bears and says, "I would like to buy tickets to the NFC Championship game this week."

The nice lady at the window says, "I'm sorry, Sir, but there are no tickets. The Bears didn't make it to the NFC Championship game." The guy tips his hat and leaves.

The third day in a row, the same guy walks up to the ticket office of the Chicago Bears and says, "I would like to buy tickets to the NFC Championship game this week."

The nice lady at the window says, "I'm sorry, Sir, but it's like I keep telling you, there are no tickets. The Bears didn't make it to the NFC Championship game. Why do you keep coming here?"

The guy says, "I drive down here every day from Green Bay, just to hear you say that!"

 

[chefann]

<giggle>
See, here in Detroit, we don't have to worry about those pesky January football games. That allows us to concentrate on other teams instead.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

AP reports a new study shows that smoking can lead to colo-rectal cancer.I figure those people never learned the proper way to smoke.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

There are two seasons in the MidwestThere are two seasons in the Midwest, Winter and Orange Barrel.

 

[chefjeanine]

This may be on here somewhere. . .but I'm not digging through all these posts to see.


A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.


The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."




The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barb*tchyouate."

 

[climbercanoe3]

Dear Abby,Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone
knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his
job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day
is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I
have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he
doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

Abby

 

[climbercanoe3]

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting
for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?' Walt
replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that her husband Charlie had sent her
to buy,
and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot .

 

[climbercanoe3]

ADULT HUMORI was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was > twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is:



Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[raebates]

You know YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. This is, of course, expected if you are a Chef Success member.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Business Aphorisms

• Computers will never completely replace human beings. While computers may, one day, conquer artificial intelligence, they will never master complete stupidity.
• A computer is a perfectly reliable instrument until the instant you turn on the power.
• A computer expert is not correct about more things, a computer expert is wrong about more things for more sophisticated reasons.
• Working in an office is like working at the North Pole - you put forth all the effort but the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
• A computer expert is someone who solves problems you didn't know you had using a method you don't understand.

A guy walks into a computer store and says to the sales geek, "I would like a computer simulation that is full of mystery, suspense, adventure and lots of flashy graphics but isn't too easy to master. Got anything like that?"

The kid says, "Have you upgraded to Vista?"

 

[reba515]

There are two seasons in the Midwest, Winter and Orange Barrel.

are you sure this isn't Boston ????!!!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

It can't be Boston. The streets are too wide and the guy in the maroon wagon has too much space between him and the Saturn. If it were Boston, you couldn't even see that there was a car in front of him, let alone what kind it is.

 

[reba515]

so true KG! I also didn't realize there wasn't anyone flipping someone off !
my mistake.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

You're right!I'll never buy a used car from San Francisco because there's nothing left of the transmission or brakes.I'll never buy a used car from Boston because there's no straight sheet metal and the horn is burned out.

 

[chefann]

Don't buy one from Detroit - the turn signals won't work from disuse.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward Heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

 

[baychef]

Nuns at a baseball gameSITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME,
(WHOSE HEAD GEAR PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),
THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.



IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH
THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA; THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO; THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL; THERE AREN'T
ANY NUNS THERE.":angel:

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A nervous nun walks into the office of Mother Superior and says, "Mother Superior, we have discovered a case of syphilis.""Oh, that's good!" Mother Superior says, clapping her hands together. "I'm getting so tired of Chablis."

 

[ChefBeckyD]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's
> Hospital. She timidly
> asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can
> tell me how a patient
> is doing?"
>
> The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.
> What's the name and
> room number?"
>
> The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
> "Norma Findlay, Room
> 302."
>
> The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold
> while I check with her
> nurse."
>
> After a few minutes, the operator returned to the
> phone and said, "Oh, I
> have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma
> is doing very well.
> Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came
> back as normal, and
> her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be
> discharged on
> Tuesday."
>
> The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful!
> I was so worried!
> God bless you for the good news."
>
> The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is
> Norma your
> daughter?"
>
> The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.
> No one tells me
> shit."
>
> True Story.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy goes into the confessional and says, "Father, I'm a 72 year old man. I've been married 53 years, I have 7 children, 11 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren. Last night, I had an affair. I made love to two 23 year old women, two times with each one!"The priest says, "When was the last time you were at confession?"The guys says, "Never, Father, I'm Jewish.""Why are you telling me this?" the priest asks?"Are you kiddin'?" he says, "I'm tellin' EVERYBODY!"

 

[climbercanoe3]

Careful this one is a bit tough on the eyes!!!I hope this person got a lot money for dressing like this. That is the only logical reason to me.

 

[pamperedlinda]

I hope this person got a lot money for dressing like this. That is the only logical reason to me.

sometimes curiosity is not a good thing!

 

[chefann]

OMG! It burns!! You really should have posted a warning about that pic.

 

[climbercanoe3]

Oops! Sorry I just added a warning!

 

[chefann]

Too late now. I had to turn on the "read text" option on my computer because I'm blind now.Thanks. Thanks a lot.

 

[climbercanoe3]

Anytime!

 

[baychef]

We've all been there beforeVery funny link!!
Daily Email Newsletter - Funniest Video of the Day

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

WARNING! Never Swallow Bubble Gum!Remember how your mother always told you to never swallow your bubble gum? Did you ever wonder why? Well, here's the reason:

 

[chefann]

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb315/chefann1138/smilies/oregonian_funaward.gif

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb315/chefann1138/smilies/oregonian_funaward.gif

http://helpfindthemissing.org/forum/images/smilies/howdy.gif

Thank you - we're here all week - drive safely and be sure to tip your server!

 

[baychef]

I enjoyed the smilies almost as much as I did the "bubble butts"!!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Sven and Ole once attended a conference in New York City. The group went to dinner at a restaurant down the street from their hotel. Sven and Ole both had a really good time, they had a little too much to drink. In fact, they had way too much to drink.As they were staggering back to their hotel, Sven went down the stairs to the subway. Ole didn't even notice his friend was missing, and he kept struggling to make it back to the hotel. Two blocks later, Sven staggered up the stairs and made it to the sidewalk, right next to Ole.Ole was surprised and said, "Sven, vere in da heck have you been?"Sven replied, "I vas in some guy's basement, and you outta see the set of trains he's got!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you order a steak, you may not get one because there's a shortage."The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"The Russian says, "What's a steak?"And the New Yorker says, "What's excuse me?"

 

[chefann]

A woman gave birth in a hospital. As soon as she recovered, her doctor came to speak to her. "Your baby is in good health, but there's something important I need to tell you."The woman became worried. "What's the matter with my baby? Tell me, please. What's wrong?" "There's nothing really wrong, but your baby is a little...different. He's a hermaphrodite.""Hermaphrodite? What's that?""Well, it means your baby is... that he has all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman."The woman pales. "Oh, my God! You mean he has a penis AND a brain?"

 

[erinb]

A woman gave birth in a hospital. As soon as she recovered, her doctor came to speak to her.

"Your baby is in good health, but there's something important I need to tell you."

The woman became worried. "What's the matter with my baby? Tell me, please. What's wrong?"

"There's nothing really wrong, but your baby is a little...different. He's a hermaphrodite."

"Hermaphrodite? What's that?"

"Well, it means your baby is... that he has all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman."

The woman pales. "Oh, my God! You mean he has a penis AND a brain?"

OMG! That is great!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A woman and her cat are walking though her back yard when she stumbles on something. She bends over to see what tripped her, and she finds an old brass bottle. As she rubs the dirt off of it, the bottle begins to shake and buzz. The top pops off and a genie comes out in a cloud of smoke. "Thank you for freeing me from my prison!" the genie says. "As a reward, I can grant you three wishes.""Well," she says, "First of all, I want to be 21 again and beautiful." POOF! She's young a gorgeous."Next," she says, "I'd like to have a million dollars inside my gorgeous mansion over there," as she points at her house. POOF! Her house turns into a mansion and she can see stacks of money in the kitchen window."Lastly," she points to her cat, "I would like Rufus here to be a handsome young prince, who will be dedicated to me and love me the rest of my life."POOF! Rufus becomes a handsome prince wearing lots of finery. He walks up to her and embraces her, kisses her deeply and whispers in her ear, "Aren't you sorry now you had me neutered?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

By popular demand...copied from another threadYou and Ann reminded me of the story of the little old man who, every day at lunch, opened his lunchbox and said, "A cream cheese and jelly sandwich. Every day, a cream cheese and jelly sandwich. For twenty five years, every day, a cream cheese and jelly sandwich." Then he'd shut up and eat.

After a several days of this, the new guy said, "I'm tired of your whining every day! Why don't you ask your wife to make you something different for lunch?"

The old guy looked at him with surprise and said, "I can't! I live alone!"

 

[chefann]

DH got this list from a friend. I'm sure some of them are fake, but they're still funny.

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
(Imagine that!)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
(No, really?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
(Now that's taking things a bit far!)

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
(Not if I wipe thoroughly!)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
(What a guy!)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
(No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War Dims Hope for Peace
(I can see where it might have that effect!)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(You think?)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
(Who would have thought!)

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
(They may be on to something!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(he probably IS the battery charge!)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
(Weren't they fat enough?!)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
(That's what he gets for eating those beans!)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(Taste like chicken?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
(Boy, are they tall!)

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity
and send this to someone to whom you want to bring a smile (Maybe even a chuckle).

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The US Navy reports that a near-sighted whale has been following one of our submarines.Every time the submarine fires a torpedo, the whale passes out cigars.