Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

please forgive. I keep forgetting... I don't even know I'm doing it. Honest! I'm just too perky and it gets the best of me.
so...where's the car thread?

Oh, yes, hijacking a thread is considered a serious offense around here. In fact, you aren't really considered a bona-fide member of this group until you've either had a thread hijacked or hijacked several on your own.

And the Cars thread is HERE.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I'll get it back on track...THese should get the humor thread back on track.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. CinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. TransubstantiateTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. White Castle ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

[baychef]

Irish Catholic storyMrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones y et?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I'm reposting this for Christmas because I think it got lost in the car talk that immediately followed this.

 

[baychef]

I received this yesterday and thought it was so darn funny!

 

[chefann]

Holiday Eating Tips​

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day ?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Holiday Eating Tips​

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day ?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Wow! That just about sums up my philosophy about eating during the Holiday season!

 

[chefann]

A friend emailed that to me this morning, and I thought it was particularly appropriate for this forum.

Personally, I disagree with number 9 - at least sometimes. I make a delicious fruitcake. So I'll eat mine, but not the nasty pre-packed ones from the store.

 

[baychef]

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for
her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"


The clerk says, "What denomination?"


The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptists."

 

[chefann]

OMG! That's hilarious, Ann! And what a great way to remind us that despite the differences, we're still all Christians.

(That sentence came out sounding like I meant to ignore the non-Christian members here, which was not my intent. I just couldn't come up with an elegant wording.)

 

[ChefBeckyD]

OMG! That's hilarious, Ann! And what a great way to remind us that despite the differences, we're still all Christians.

(That sentence came out sounding like I meant to ignore the non-Christian members here, which was not my intent. I just couldn't come up with an elegant wording.)

God doesn't see us in terms of man-made denominations.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Legend of the Angel and the Christmas TreeYou've probably wondered why it's tradition to put an angel on top of the Christmas tree. (In my family, it was always a star, at least, until Dad heard this legend.)

It was a particularly busy Christmas season. Poor Santa had been run ragged. There had been rumblings all year about the elves organizing into a union, the reindeer were not real pleased with the sleigh getting heavier each year and Santa was trying to keep them calmed down, too.

On top of it all, a major storm front was brewing. Poor old Santa, he was down to his very last nerve and trying very hard to keep calm.

Just before he needed to leave for his big trip (and he was far from ready to go) a tiny angel came up to him and said, "Santa, what would you like me to do with this Christmas tree?"

Santa told her. And in her honor, to this day, we always place an angel on top of our tree.

 

[baychef]

A little Christmas funny.....
http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/Santafunny.jpg

 

[chefann]

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
LAWYER STYLE​

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the “Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen (hereinafter the “Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.” Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” Or words to that effect.

Respectfully Submitted,
s./ The Grinch

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I have to believe - my contract has a Sanity Clause.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

*WARNING* Adult Content *WARNING*I'm not usually one for ventriloquist acts, but this guy is good.

And this bit, for some reason, cracked me up! The routine is a little raw but doesn't use profanity for profanity's sake, only in character. The routine is just funny!

Achmed - The Dead Terrorist

 

[chefann]

I've seen that guy before (Jeff, not Achmed), and he's got some hilarious bits. This one is great! I hadn't seen it before.

 

[lkprescott]

I'm not usually one for ventriloquist acts, but this guy is good.

And this bit, for some reason, cracked me up! The routine is a little raw but doesn't use profanity for profanity's sake, only in character. The routine is just funny!

Achmed - The Dead Terrorist

DH and I watched a standup gig he did with Achmed the other week. VERY funny... but then I've already thought Jeffafa Dun Ham dot com was funny (that's also funny to those folks who have seen him with Peanut... makes me say 'fafa' every time I see a double f name now. LOL..). He's also got a thing with his old guy puppet Walter talking about terrorists too... and it's very funny.

 

[lkprescott]

Top 10 Signs you're at a lame New Year's Eve party 1. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed
2. The 'Party Hats' look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones
3. There's a "Happy 1995" sticker on the packete of shrimp you've been eating all night
4. It's January 6th
5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm
6. The guests have decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000
7. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop
8. You hear a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom
9. The 'Champagne' tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka SeltzerFrom: The Late show with David Letterman
CBS | Late Show with David Letterman :

 

[lkprescott]

New Years Resolutions you Can Keep 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don't have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Don't eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Don't believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Don't worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Don't swim with pirhanas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Family Holiday Limerick'sHi everyone, I thought I'd share the "holiday" limerick's that my family and I wrote during our Christmas Eve get-together... Enjoy!


Intro-

ME/Kacey
The Holiday limerick’s are here
So gather around and be near
You won’t want to miss
The talented bliss
Of the family that rhymes for a cheer

(side note, I wrote the first line of everyon'e limerick, so all they had to do was come up with the remaining 4 lines- we had so much fun doing this!)




JANET:
The mistletoe’s hanging above
Give a kiss to someone you love
You can’t run and hide
Keep your hands at your side
Or you may end up getting a shove


SUSIE:
There once was an elf named Hermy
Who liked a frog named “Kermy”
He sat on a log
Smack dab in a bog
And the pig, in her hair-had a permy


MARY:
Salvation Army Bell-Ringers
Should be rhythmic and good with their fingers
To carry a tune
Get vacation in June
And don’t mind being called a humdinger


BILL:
One Holy Night in a manger
Protected by a Texas Ranger
Chuck Norris his name
Terrorists was his game
He thought The Three Kings were a danger


GRANDMA:
Christmas bells oh how they jingle
They make my backbone tingle
So noisy and all
Makes me want to bawl
Think I’ll go and have a Pringle


BRETT
Santa Claus comes down the chimney
In his zipper was stuck his jimney
When he figured it out
He let out a shout
And woke up a fat cat named Rimney


HANNAH:
When Santa went out on his run
He was trying to lose a ton
The reindeer complained
Of the weight he had gained
And then they flew off towards the sun


MARK:
Christmas lights glisten so pretty
It’s too bad my face is so zitty
My Acne is pussie
I hope you’re not fussy
But the raspberry punch now tastes gritty


SCOTT:
Dasher and Dancer are reindeer
Spent all Christmas Eve drinking beer
Behind all the elves
They relieved themselves
And from Santa they now live in fear


LAURA:
A Blizzard blew in Christmas Eve
We wondered if it would soon leave
It blew and it blew
And snow piles grew
Santa huffed and he puffed and he heaved


KACEY: (me)
I made homemade eggnog this year
Because we aren’t allowed to drink beer
I poured in some Rum
And then fell on my bum
Now purple and blue is my rear


JOHN:
Old Scrooge he did nothing but frown
He would rather be a clown
When he had his suit made
The tailor wasn’t paid
Cause his smile was sown upside down


RON:
Some snowflakes all fell to the ground
Was silent ‘cause no one was around
It fell all day long
But it really was wrong
It was July when it fell to the ground


GRANDPA:
There was an old fellow named Claus
Who thought it was time for a pause
He decided on Coke
With the other blokes
So together they worked on a cause


STEVE:
When Santa took off in his sleigh
The presents began to fall away
He took a quick right
As he faded from sight
And the gifts all landed in Bombay

MARJEAN:
The holiday ham caught on fire
They were cooking it in the dryer
In the washer was punch
We were to have it for lunch
When it was done it was 'attire'


SARA:
Untangling the Christmas tree lights
I will say really does bite
To untie this glob
Is not a fun job
And will take you the entire night

ANDY:
On Christmas day long, long ago
Sat a Duke from Hazzard named Bo
He drove for some Tea
In the General Lee
And got stuck in a big bank of snow

KATIE:
There once was a snowman named Bud
Who thought of himself as a stud
but later that day
a girl came his way
And he melted and turned into mud

That's all folks!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I have a book, a real door-stop, that is about three inches thick. It has nothing but limericks in it.I can't use a one of them here.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

KG has a book that is naughty
So big in fact that it's gaudy
He can't share a verse
Without saying a curse
Or making his poor Mum distraughty

Okay, I know distraughty isn't a word, but my rhyming dictionary is my father's and was given to him by his boss's as a New Years Present in 1972...29 days before I was born!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

"Gaudy" or "curse" have nothing to do with it.Think, "Nantucket."If I had an electronic version, it would be baudy.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

"Gaudy" or "curse" have nothing to do with it.

Think, "Nantucket."

If I had an electronic version, it would be baudy.

I was going for cuss...ya know, when you say a cuss or curse word... anywhoo, I figured the Nantucket one was in there...

I have one-

There once was a woman from Nizes
With breasts of two different sizes
One was so small
It was nothing at all
The other so large it won prizes!

Thank you very much... I'm here all week!

 

[pamperedlinda]

Hey ya'll I pop in and read this thread every now and then and get a good laugh! Now I have something to contribute.

Sorry if these were already posted, I haven't read the entire thread. I thought they were funny.


A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order. The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter," she said, "we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end: "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Mamma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those '*****es' sleeping with your father after I'm gone."


========================================================================


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, I'm yours.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: Why was Jesus born in a manger?A: Joseph and Mary belonged to the carpenter's HMO.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Q: Why was Jesus born in a manger?

A: Joseph and Mary belonged to the carpenter's HMO.

That's the BEST you've got for the new year? Heck even my limerick a few posts up was funnier!

Either you're slipping KG, or my expectations of you are too high. LOL

On that note I'm going back to bed.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter"What are you doing?"
She asked."Hunting Flies"
He responded."Oh! Killing any?"
She asked."Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

 

[Kitchen Diva]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

That was funny!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

*WARNING* ADULT CONTENT *WARNING*A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his Mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, Why don't big planes have baby planes?"The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the Flight Attendant.So the boy walks to the galley and asks the Flight Attendant, "If big dogs have Baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby Planes?"The Flight Attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy Said, "Yes, she did"...''Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

 

[chefann]

Gee, DH says that it's because the only "effing" that planes/airlines do is to the passengers.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Kinda gives new meaning to the term, "Mile High Club."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Chefann, this one is for your DH.

 

[chefann]

He's probably seen that.
Freak. But I say that with love.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

[Darth Vader] Luke Skywalker! I know what you're getting for Christmas.[Luke Skywalker] How do you know?[Darth Vader] I felt your presents.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The baby thread reminded me of the old story...Three guys are sitting in a bar after work, talking about a coworker who is having difficulty starting a family."She's obviously impregnable," the first one says."No," the second one says. "I think she's inconceivable.""You're both wrong," the third one says. "She's obviously unbearable."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Three mice walk into a bar. The first one orders a shot of whiskey and tosses it down, then slams the glass on the bar and says, "When I see a mouse trap, I lay on my back, spring it with my foot, catch the bar in my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite for the cheese."The second mouse orders two shots of whiskey, shoots 'em down and says, "When I encounter a block of D-con, I take it back to my mouse hole, grind it up and put it in my coffee every morning to give me a buzz for the day."The third mouse orders a Coke and says, "I can't stay long, I've got a date with the cat."

 

[missyciccolella]

[Darth Vader] Luke Skywalker! I know what you're getting for Christmas.

[Luke Skywalker] How do you know?

[Darth Vader] I felt your presents.

I totally love it! (all of it)

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game has issued an advisory to hikers, hunters and anglers, due to the higher levels of bear activity this year.They have advised those who are going into the woods to wear bells on their clothing and to carry pepper spray.The department further advises that you learn to spot signs of recent bear activity and to become familiar with the differences between common black bear dung and grizzly bear dung. Black bear scat is smaller than grizzly bear scat, it is usually full of berries, seeds and squirrel fur.Grizzly bear scat is larger, contains bells and smells like pepper spray.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Follow-up on Hello, Darth, this for young terrorists, I guess

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Smart Replies to Dumb QuaestionsI beleive some of these have been posted before, but not all of them, and they still crack me up.

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won' t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' He never heard the shot...​

 

[baychef]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.

The fit and trim grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

OLD AGE AND WISDOM WILL OVERCOME YOUTHFUL EXUBERANCE EVERY TIME.

 

[baychef]

A Groaner for KGThe local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married --- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

This is exactly how I received this one:

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Sonoma Valley area, which primarily
produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.


It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make
to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

 

[baychef]

My Living Will
http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/maxine.jpg
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a b*tch. ​

 

[baychef]

Finally a virus warning I believe!If you receive an email entitled
"Bedtimes"



Delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.


IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.


It will drink ALL your beer.


FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?


It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.


It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.



WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.


And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.



Send this warning to everyone!!!



THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!


Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!



And look at you - you're on the computer!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Importance of A Living Will

My Living Will
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a b*tch. ​

Please see this important thread, about living wills, from a year ago.

 

[baychef]

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
"I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe mommy will do the
trick she promised us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, my dearie?"

The little boy replied, "Mommy told daddy that she'd climb
the f*cking walls next time you came to visit!"