Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[climbercanoe3]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No ... I'm your son's
teacher."

 

[climbercanoe3]

DAD AT THE MALLI took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green , red , orange , and blue . My dad kept staring at him.The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, n ever done anything wild in your life?'Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a pea****. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

 

[climbercanoe3]

Not sure if this is a repeat. Why parents drink:A boss wondered why one of his most
valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with
one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whisper."Hello?""Is your daddy home?" he
asked."Yes", whispered the small voice.May I talk with
him?"The child whispered, "No"Surprised and wanting to talk with
an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes.""May I talk with
her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."Hoping there was somebody
with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else
there?""Yes", whispered the child, "a policemanWondering what a
cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the
policeman?""No, he's busy", whispered the child."Busy doing
what?""Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered
answer.Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that
noise?""A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.What is
going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.Again,
whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a
helicopter."Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"Still whispering, the young voice
replied with a muffled giggle... " ME "

 

[climbercanoe3]

Adult Humor:A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to
the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady
Do you have a vagina".She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina".
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a
loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home
just in case this guy shows up again".The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door.The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going
to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want
you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is
going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same
question. Do you have vagina"......."Yes" she says......The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave
my wife's alone and start using yours ?

 

[climbercanoe3]

Last one for tonight:Waiting RoomThis is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's
Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room
of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love
the way this old guy handled it:An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
for today?''There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.''Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor
in private.'The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??''There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??''I can't piss out of it,' he replied.The waiting room erupted in laughter.Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose.

 

[climbercanoe3]

I know this isn't the toopic of today, but it has been in the past. Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon the English Language
By Richard LedererThis book is hysterical! It has letters from parents, signs and other language mishaps. If you search for it and google books comes up. You can click on that site and read examples. Example: Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Reading that book, for some around here, would be suitable pun-ishment.

 

[chefann]

There's a great blog about the misuse of quotation marks: The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A blind man was attempting to cross a busy arterial, his dog lead him into traffic against the light. Cars were swerving and honking, waving without using all their fingers (like the poor guy could appreciate the gesture) as the dog lead the guy across the street.When they were safely on the other side, the guy reached into his pocket and pulled out a dog biscuit. Before he could offer it to his dog, a passerby said, "Hey! That dog almost got you killed! Why are you giving him a treat?""Treat, Hell!" the blind man said. "I just want to find out which end has his head so I can kick him in the a$s!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

WARNING! Parental Advisory.It's that time of the year again, it's time for Foamy's Annual Christmas rant -
http://www.friendsoffoamy.com/index.php?id=151!WARNING! This cartoon is NOT for children, nor anyone offended by strong language. However, if you're tired of Christmas being bashed from all directions, then this is for you!

 

[chefann]

Here are the lyrics to one of my favorite Christmas songs. We sang this every year in the choir with which I used to sing. Typically, we'd sing "The Twelve Days of Christmas" as an audience sing-along, then we'd go right into this. (And don't get me started on the fact that the 12 days of Christmas are actually the 12 days between Christmas and Epiphany, so they're already the 12 days AFTER Christmas!)
Enjoy!The Twelve Days After ChristmasThe first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight.
And so I chopped the pear tree down, and burned it just for spite.
Then with a single cartridge,
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks of both the turtledoves.
The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup.
I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup.The four calling birds were a big mistake, for their language was obscene.
The five gold rings were completely fake and they turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas the six laying geese wouldn't lay.
I gave the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA.On the seventh day, what a mess I found!
All seven of the swimming swans had drowned.The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect
I bundled up the eight maids a milking, nine lords a leapng, ten ladies dancing, eleven pipers piping, twelve drummers drumming
(well, actually, I kept one of the drummers)
And sent them back collect.
I wrote my true love, "we are through, love."
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore, your Christmas gift is for the birds."
(four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree)

 

[chefann]

How's this for service! An mp3 of my choir singing the 12 Days After Christmas. I'm the person who sneezes when all the other women cough during the Day 3 verse.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: For Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?A: Fünf.

 

[baychef]

Ok, I am going to try to post this cartoon again, but I have a feeling it may be the picture and not my lack of words this time!
http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/bears.jpg

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

If I was a real jerk, I'd say there was nothing there.But I can't resist this...If Helen starts shopping the cable shopping networks, she'll be buy-polar.

 

[baychef]

Ummmm....I may be blonde and sometimes stupid, but I can see the dam (misspelled on porpoise) picture!! :chef:

 

[climbercanoe3]

Speaking of blonde...Football FINALLY makes senseA guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?''Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Ummmm....I may be blonde and sometimes stupid, but I can see the dam (misspelled on porpoise) picture!! :chef:

I couldn't bear to tell you it wasn't there again.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No ... I'm your son's
teacher."

I knew there was a reason I don't like celery

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Well, yeah, but leeks break up too fast and parsnips leave welts.

 

[baychef]

Well, here is another picture that no matter what are political feelings are, will hold true for all candidates running for office!
http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/politics.jpg
And ladies, just a holiday reminder when you have to use the restroom
http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/pantyhose.jpg
And finally this one is for you, KG. If you tell me again the picture is not there when in fact it is...I will have to do the following:

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I thought this was your dog.

 

[chefann]

Ooh- that's just disturbing.

Here's a joke a friend posted on his blog this morning. Enjoy!
===
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

Floor 1
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

These men Have Jobs.​

Floor 2
The sign reads:

These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.​

Floor 3
The sign reads:

These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.​

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

Floor 4
The sign reads:

These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With Housework.​

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it. Still, she goes
to the fifth floor.

Floor 5
The sign reads:

These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and have a Strong Romantic Streak.​

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:

You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.​

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: Why can't women find a man who is sensitive, caring and well mannered?A: Those men already have boyfriends.----------------
Men are like parking places this time of year. The only available ones are either too far out or handicapped.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Well, yeah, but leeks break up too fast and parsnips leave welts.

Ah, but Leeks have nice grains of sand inbetween each "leaf"...which give you added traction!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I really don't want to know how you acquired this knowledge.

 

[chefann]

I really don't want to know how you acquired this knowledge.

And we don't really want to know how you know that leeks break up too fast, either! :yuck:

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Sorry to disappoint KG...but here is how I acquired this "knowledge":

I am a Culinary Student...so I know there is sand in leeks- the rest of it was merely pressumed, based on uncommon sense...sand is gritty- hence the traction as it smacks up against the skin. OUCH!

I almost wish I had something twisted to tell you... I feel like I've let you down. (hee-hee)

 

[Kitchen Diva]

And we don't really want to know how you know that leeks break up too fast, either! :yuck:

Touche Chef Ann... Touche!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Sorry to disappoint KG...but here is how I acquired this "knowledge":

I am a Culinary Student...so I know there is sand in leeks- the rest of it was merely pressumed, based on uncommon sense...sand is gritty- hence the traction as it smacks up against the skin. OUCH!

I almost wish I had something twisted to tell you... I feel like I've let you down. (hee-hee)

I sometimes post on another forum where I'd tell you the mental image I have...but not here.

Ann, I use leeks in the kitchen and they break up going from the cutting board to the kettle. They're just so, well, leaky. (Like several people I know.)

 

[friday]

I wish I had a clever joke to post- but I dont. However, I wanted to say that I enjoy this thread immensely!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I sometimes post on another forum where I'd tell you the mental image I have...but not here.

Ann, I use leeks in the kitchen and they break up going from the cutting board to the kettle. They're just so, well, leaky. (Like several people I know.)

Well, there goes that squeaky, clean image I had of you...

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I wish I had a clever joke to post- but I dont. However, I wanted to say that I enjoy this thread immensely!

Friday, what is that sticking out of your munchkins mouth?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Well, there goes that squeaky, clean image I had of you...

YOU put that in your head, I certainly didn't.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

YOU put that in your head, I certainly didn't.

Yupo, I put it there until someone takes it out. Makes annual inventory a little difficult however

 

[chefann]

I'm rolling off my chair over here trying to resolve "KG" and "clean image."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Well, that's the last time I ever wear my Pat Boone white bucks when you and I go on a tour of the city. Hrmph.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Chef Ann, Glad I could be here to help you roll off your chair!

 

[baychef]

KG, your dog is ugly. That e-mail is just weird. Someone had too much time to waste!
And, my dear Kitchen Diva. I am not sure if KG is trying to send out subliminal messages to you about him having a squeeky clean image??? But be very, very careful..he may appear harmless, but he is like Linus on the Peanuts cartoons turned inside out!!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy is standing on a street corner with a dog sitting next to him. Another guy walks up and says to the first guy, "Does your dog bite?"The first guy says, "No, my dog doesn't bite."So the second guy bends over and tries to pet the dog. The dog goes NUTS snarling, growling and he nails the guy right on the wrist. "HEY! You told me your dog doesn't bite!"The first guy looks down, shrugs and says, "That isn't my dog."[shrug] That isn't my dog. [/shrug]I think it's YOUR dog.

 

[baychef]

It is not my dog...that is my cat!!! ME OWWWWWW!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Thanks for the heads up Bay Chef (Ann) I think he's been subliminally brain washing me! (I say this because suds are coming out my ears, and I'm not sure why) Oooo look! Bubbles!

 

[climbercanoe3]

Hey KG do you know that dog biting joke from the Pink Panther Strikes Again? That very scene happend in that movie. HAHA!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Actually, I think it was a Laurel & Hardy bit. They probably stole it from someone, too.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Christmas FunniesI hope you find these funny. I laughed...but then again I thought KG was squeaky clean.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Choose Your Caption

1. Please wait for the next available support representative.
2. If you do not forward this email to 20 people in the next 15 minutes...
3. Oh, Honey, I don't spend THAT much time on CS!
4. (Suggest your own caption!)

 

[janetupnorth]

"Once again waiting for Windows to boot up properly...""I wish I could afford high-speed internet.""See mom, computer games don't rot your mind..."

 

[chefann]

System response time seems a little slow today.

Minimum system requirements, my a$s.

Upgrading to P3 while using dial up - not a good idea.

 

[lkprescott]

Not the blue screen of death again! Why oh why won't they answer my emails? That must be ONE BIG attachment trying to come through.
Okay so that last one was a bit lame. LOL...

 

[missyciccolella]

This was just emailed to meWas so depressed last night, I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I hope this hasn't been posted as there are so many comments to scroll through...sorry if it a repeat! :angel: