Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Fine.

Corrrnnnn.

blleeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhh...

Birds can't talk. Birds are dumb.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I shall add that to my witty and brilliant repertoire...

 

[raebates]

FLU NOTES(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who now finds himself in charge of the house and children.)Monday A.M.:
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.Tuesday A.M.:
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.Wednesday A.M.:
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.Thursday A.M.:
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9pm. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!Friday A.M.:
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I shall add that to my witty and brilliant repertoire...

Don't be confused by quotes from Beaker, Chefann's African Gray parrot.

You could do a search for "Beaker" and catch up on the brilliance of the bird.

 

[chefann]

Birds can't talk. Birds are dumb.

Nuh-uh. They must be smart - Beaker says so. Or at least she says that she's smart, "Birds can't talk. I'm a bird. I'm smart."

Besides, if she weren't smart, how could she help DH with his website?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Does she speak fluent HTML?

 

[Kitchen Diva]

so much for food

Redneck Designer Overalls

Well I'll be avoiding food for the rest of the day.... yucky! :yuck:

 

[chefann]

Does she speak fluent HTML?

Only in regards to the <corn>, <belch>, and <bleah> tags.

 

[lkprescott]

Well I'll be avoiding food for the rest of the day.... yucky! :yuck:

Indeed... I WAS thinking about having lunch... now.. I'm not so sure :yuck:

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Can you cry under water?


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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? [In Wisconsin, the answer would be, "Taxes."]


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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


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What disease did cured ham actually have?


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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural


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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


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If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

I have two more to offer

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain if wool shrinks in the washer
And...
why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

[baychef]

If you eat a dinner roll at lunch time is it still called a dinner roll?

Why do they call them "blueberries" when they are actually purple?

Why do they have braille on a drive through ATM machine?

 

[Addie4TLC]

This may have been posted already....
Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused
her to fall Into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer
pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's
name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

"What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

One of my favorites - and every time I meet a woman named Denise, I always ask her if she has a twin brother named Denephew. It is not usually received with much enthusiasm.

 

[Addie4TLC]

One of my favorites - and every time I meet a woman named Denise, I always ask her if she has a twin brother named Denephew. It is not usually received with much enthusiasm.

LOL I will remember that the next time I meet a Denise!

 

[raebates]

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?All the DNA matches, and there are no dental records.

 

[baychef]

Why trampolines are dangerousWhy trampolines are dangerous!

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/Trampoline.jpg

 

[baychef]

I love Christmas!It took me all weekend, but I finally got my tree up!
http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/tree.jpg

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

For some people, that could be a real http://www.grolsch.com/-out.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Why trampolines are dangerous!http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/Trampoline.jpg

This is why trampoline liability insurance is always over a buck or two.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Video - Crackle



Since most of my jokes come from 7 year olds, or retired Air Force mechanics, I thought I'd pass on a link that I found to be absolutely hillarious! I hope you all enjoy!

I'm more of a one liner kind of gal... I should do stand up- which I do try to work into my show, but I've never been really good at jokes. I have the attention span of a gnat so I don't remember them. I have sometimerzzz...sometimes I forget and sometimes I don't remember...

(it's snowing here! I LOVE snow!)

 

[Kitchen Diva]

It took me all weekend, but I finally got my tree up!
http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/tree.jpg

At least if it starts on fire, you'll be able to extinguish it. Oh, wait...alcohol is flamable. Well...good luck with that!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

This is why trampoline liability insurance is always over a buck or two.

Or as my step dad would say "It's gonna be a buck-two-eighty!"

His other famous "jokes" are...Do you walk to work or take your lunch, and why's an orange? Because it has two sides...and then there is one about how many pancakes does it take to tile a canoe, but I will spare you flashbacks from a day in the life of me as a teenager!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts?A: Beer Nuts are about a buck and a half a bag while deer nuts are under a buck.The "Do you walk to work or carry your lunch?" question makes perfect sense if you know the history of it. On the south side of Milwaukee, there were many foundries and factories that were situated within neighborhoods. Much of the work force lived close enough that they not only walked to work but could actually leave the factory to go home for lunch. If you didn't walk to work, you had to carry your lunch to work.Another interesting piece of trivia from CS's veritable walking compendium of useless information.

 

[baychef]

The tree wouldn't catch on fire...all alchol would have been consumed!!!!

Love the useless information. I just wonder how people years from now are going to explain the current idiotic saying "My bad" (or me bad or some stupid thing). It seems like it is an instant excuse for stupidity! Hmmmmmm....I am sounding so old!!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I've got socks older than you.

 

[baychef]

I've got socks older than you.

I hope you change them once in a while...and if they are that old...you must give a darn!!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

They're fine - I always practice safe sox.

 

[baychef]

And I hope you wear your rubbers too.:sing:

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

That would be when I practice safe shoes.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I hope you change them once in a while...and if they are that old...you must give a darn!!!

Just for you - I'm putting on my church sox this morning.

They're holey.

 

[baychef]

Darn it!!!!:angel:

 

[baychef]

JumpingTwo men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says, "You know,
last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building,
by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so
intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but
says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that
could happen!"

"No, no... it's true..." said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him
around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the
elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who is astonished. "Oh my God, I saw that with
my own eyes! But that must've been a one-time fluke. That was
scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps.

Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the
elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his
dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so
I'll try it!"

He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly
passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...

His body hits the sidewalk...Splat !!!!



Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to
the first drinker, and shakes his head "You know, Superman, you're a real
asshole when you're drunk."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Darn it!!!!:angel:

It seams we're keeping people in stitches in this thread.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

This is why I stick to one liners.

okay, off to finish my third and final Lord of the Rings DVD. It only took me 6 hours to watch the second one yesterday. Whenever it snows the dogs go in and out of the house about 50 times... darn pets.

 

[baychef]

It seams we're keeping people in stitches in this thread.

Hopefully, they aren't thread worn...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Most of my jokes are pretty worn, regardless of what thread I post them in.
:67302:

 

[chefann]

Just got this from a friend.

The First Christmas Joke of the Season!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."


And So The Christmas Season Begins......

 

[raebates]

A few Christmas ponderingsoes Santa Claus slide down the chimney because it soots him?If there was Noel, why isn’t he called Santa Cause?Are helpers at the North Pole are called subordinate clauses?Do you need to get spruced up to sell Christmas trees?Does Santa keeps all the presents in a Pole Vault?

 

[baychef]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had
a Pet. So he went to the Pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual Pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100
leg bug) which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new Pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new
Pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and Pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He
decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the
centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"


YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......











A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm
putting my shoes on!"

 

[baychef]

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/bears.jpg

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/politics.jpg

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/pantyhose.jpg

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Grand Opening of the Blake Simpson Detective AgencyApparently, this caused coffee spew over in the Missing thread, so here it is for posterity:

Robert Blake and O.J. Simpson are teaming up to find the real perpetrators of crime.

Here they are, taking a call from their first client, Drew Peterson.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/bd/KeystoneKops.jpg

 

[baychef]

Love it!!

Does my last post have no pictures and just the red x's on everyone else's screen? It came through on the preview but now I have the X rated version

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Love it!!

Does my last post have no pictures and just the red x's on everyone else's screen? It came through on the preview but now I have the X rated version

Blank screen on mine, Ann.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/bears.jpg

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/politics.jpg

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/pantyhose.jpg

I thought you had finally figured out how to get past the minimum character rule.

 

[baychef]

I just added a sentence then took it back out when I realized that it didn't make a dam bit of difference

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

That's what the fish said when he swam into the concrete wall."Dam!"

 

[climbercanoe3]

Oh, the weather outside was whitening
'Til the dog did something frightening
He's got no other place to go
Yellow snow, yellow snow, yellow snowAnd he doesn't show signs of stopping
As he sniffs around his dropping
You see him everywhere you go
In the snow, yellow snow, yellow snowWhen he finally goes outside
He'll be frolicking 'round in the storm
He'll be marking our yard with pride
You can tell by the steam that it's warmWhen the snow begins it's thawing
It reveals those puppy drawings
He's a frisky little pooch van Gogh
Yellow snow, yellow snow, yellow snowCome here, Yeller. Come on boy. Good doggie.Oh, not on Frosty.He'll be marking our yard with pride
You can tell by the steam that it's warmWell, he's happy and his tail starts waggin'
But the snowman's left side is saggin'
There's a little puddle right below
Yellow snow, yellow snow, yellow snow
Yellow snow, yellow snowYellow snow
Little patches of yellow snow
Yellow snow
Little patches of where Fido goes

 

[lkprescott]

LOL... thanks for the wintertide chuckles! I have nothing else witty to say... and even that wasn't witty... snow well...

 

[raebates]

That's great!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

"Watch out where
The Huskies go!
Don't you eat
That yellow snow!"

--Frank Zappa