Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Sometimes when you are angry with someone,
it helps to sit down and think about the problem.

Otherwise, you might take more drastic measures.

 

[baychef]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to
Become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
Insisted on no baby talk !

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always
Reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend "I
Went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big
People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a
Ride on a choo choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must
Remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did
You read?"

[I love this]

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his
Chest with great pride,

And said, "Winnie the SHIT."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Deer Hunting Season is About to Open

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a canoe?A: A canoe tips.(I am NOT making this up: Link.)

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Formula For SuccessWhat Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there but it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: What did the X chromosome say to the Y chromosome?A: Do these genes make my butt look fat?

 

[chefann]

And DH's reply: No, your butt makes your butt look fat.

 

[raebates]

The Furry Guy wisely just shakes his head and walks away.We've already instructed out DS that there is absolutely no way to answer this question without getting himself in trouble.

 

[Nanisu]

3 men are having a discussion. The question comes up "when you die, what would you like your friends to say about you?". The first one says "I'd like my friends to say how fun loving I was". The second one says "I'd like my friends to say how compassionate I was". The third one says "I'd like my friends to say 'Look,! he's breathing!'"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

There used to be a chain of stores here that specialized in dairy products. It was called, Dutchland Dairy and if you lived in this area, you may remember them. Dedicated dairy stores? Well, why not? This is, after all, America's Dairyland.When the chain folded up years ago, several of the old buildings were purchased by entrepreneurs who opened the buildings back up as stores, television repair places, even restaurants. One of them became a famous pizza place with a pipe organ in it.One of the old places reopened as a dairy store, but there was a lot of extra room in the building that sat unused. The owner leased the unused space to a local theatre group who built a stage and put on plays in the building.They called the place, "The Camel."Why?It's obvious. It was a drama-dairy.

 

[chefann]

My coworker sent this out to our team. I'm sure people have seen them (or similar items) in various incarnations, but they're still good for a chuckle.Sorry about the all caps. I don't feel like retyping what he sent.
===Taken from classified ads in
newspapers:FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE...
BETTER BE REWARD.
------------------------------
1 MAN, 3 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
------------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1, 5-finger, 1, 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
------------------------------
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG, 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED> $100
------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
------------------------------
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
------------------------------
KELLOGG'S POT FARTS - $1.99 box

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Free to good home: Collie, Will eat anything, especially fond of children.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy goes to his usual barber, a little old Italian man. During the haircut, he says, "My wife and I are taking our vacation to Rome this Summer!""Really?" the barber says. "Tha'sa wunnerful. Whata airlina you takin'?""Air Italia," the guy says."Oh, tha'sa terribulla airalina. They over booka alla time, tey cramma you into smalla seats, itsa awful waya to go. Whata hotela you stayin' ina?""We've got reservations at the Marriott," he says with some reluctance."Oh, tha'sa terribulla hotela!" the barber exclaims. "The roomsa alla too smalla, da rooma service isa awful, the bellaboysa, dey always hava their handsa outta to do nuthin' fora ya, i'sa terribulla placea. Whattya gonna do-a whilea you're a there-a?"Sheepishly, the guy says, "We want to tour the Vatican and see the Pope.""Oh, tha'sa dumma idea!" the barber says. "I'sa lousy-a toura, too manya pipple in too smalla a place-a, anna you neve' getta closa enough to seea da Pope. Tha'sa Nine-afify."The guy pays the barber and slinks out the door. About six weeks later, he comes back to the shop for another haircut."How-a wasa da tripa?" the barber asks."It was wonderful!" the guy says. "We had a great time!""Howa wasa da airplane-a?" the barber asks."It was great! The plane was overbooked, like you said, and they bumped my wife and me up to first class! It was a great flight!""Tha'sa wunnerful!" How wasa da hotela?""It was fine!" the guy said. "They screwed up our reservation, so to make up for it, they upgraded us to a suite at no extra charge!""Tha'sa fine," the arber said, "Dida you seea da Pope?""Well, as a matter of fact," the guy said, "We got on the Vatican tour, and one of the guards pulled some of us out of the line and took us on a private tour of the Vatican. We even met the Pope!""Tha'sa wunnerful!" the barber said. "Dida he saya anyt'ing?""Yes!" the guy says. "The Pope leaned over to me and whispered, 'Where did you get that awful haircut?'"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The irrelephant inspired theseAn elephant is a mouse with a Windows operating system.

Q: What's gray, weighs 5,000 pounds and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderelephant.

You missed the joke that inspired this post?

Q: What's gray and doesn't matter?

A: An irrelephant.

An elephant is a mouse designed by committee.

 

[chefann]

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?A: Elephino!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?A: No ideer.

 

[lkprescott]

Inspired but Thanksgiving: Q: What key has legs and can't open doors... A: a turkey

 

[lkprescott]

Q: What sound does a space turkey make? A: Hubble, hubble, hubbleQ: What sound does a turkey underwater make...A: Bubble, bubble, bubble..

 

[climbercanoe3]

Sorry New Yorkers. Caution: Adult ContentTwo boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is
attacked by a vicious dog. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his
hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist,
luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.

"Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..." he starts writing in
his notebook.

"But, I'm not a Bruins Fan," the little hero replied."Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.
"Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Red Sox fan either!" The boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox. So,
what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Yankees fan!" the child beamed.The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

"Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."

 

[climbercanoe3]

Caution: Adult ContentThe Patient A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will wor k as well as your old one did - bette r in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch. "The man perks up at this ."So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day."So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

 

[raebates]

There are 2 pumpkin pies in an oven and they're both sitting around, baking. One of them yells, "It's hot in here!" The other pie replies, "Wow, a talking pumpkin pie!"

 

[Addie4TLC]

These are great, I will come back when I need a break and a laugh!

Here is my contribution:

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.

“You are all part of our team now,” said the H.R. rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please - don't eat any of the other employees.”

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
“Which one of you morons ate the secretary?”

A hand rose hesitantly.

“You fool!” the leader continued. “For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NO-Oooooo… you had to go and eat someone important!”

 

[raebates]

These are great, I will come back when I need a break and a laugh!

Here is my contribution:

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.

“You are all part of our team now,” said the H.R. rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please - don't eat any of the other employees.”

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
“Which one of you morons ate the secretary?”

A hand rose hesitantly.

“You fool!” the leader continued. “For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NO-Oooooo… you had to go and eat someone important!”

I've been a secretary for most of my working life. The Furry Guy even considers me his secretary. (Yes, I get taken to lunch on Secretary's Day.) This joke is fabulous! I intend to share it with oodles of people.

 

[Addie4TLC]

I'm glad you liked it and I'm glad the cannibals didn't get you! LOL

 

[raebates]

Like all humor, it's the kernel of truth that makes it work. I used to work for an organization that took all the managers (at that time they were all men) on an annual outing to a baseball game. When they finally got around to adding a day out for the secretaries (after I was gone, but my mom had taken my position), they had to spread it over two days. Seems none of the managers knew how to run the switchboard or most of the phone system.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

"I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox. So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

A Wisconsin family moved to Texas and their poor kid in the family had to go to school where everyone wore blue and white stars. On the Thursday of the big Packers-Cowboys game, he wore his Brett Favre jersey to school.

The teacher was most upset with him. "You're a Packers fan?" she asked increduously.

"Yes, I am!" he answered proudly.

"What ever made you turn into a Packers fan?" she asked.

The kid thought about it for awhile and said, "Well, my mom and dad are both Packers fans, so I guess I became one, too."

"Well," the teacher asked, with her hands on her hips, "What if your mother was an idiot and your father was a moron. What would you be then?"

The kid thought for a moment, and suddenly his face lit up and he said, "I'd probably be a Cowboys fan!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I'm glad you liked it and I'm glad the cannibals didn't get you! LOL

Two cannibals are sitting having dinner, when suddenly one of them blurts out, "I HATE my mother-in-law!"

"Well, here then," said the first one. "Try the potatoes."

----------------------

Two missionaries are captured by cannibals. They're dragged back to the cannibal village and put in a big cauldron over a fire. The water keeps getting warmer and warmer, and suddenly one of them starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What's so funny?" the other one asked.

The first one says, "I just peed in their soup."

 

[raebates]

I'm glad you liked it and I'm glad the cannibals didn't get you! LOL

Like most clowns, I'd taste a little funny.

 

[Addie4TLC]

You guys are hilarious! Here is something else, hope it doesn't offend...

Where to Live in Retirement:

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

 

[raebates]

I live in the Midwest. The mayor doesn't know my name, but he does know me as the woman who sings Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire. I was talked into singing it for a small group at an event. We've met a few of times since, and he always mentions it.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I live in the Midwest. The mayor doesn't know my name, but he does know me as the woman who sings Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire. I was talked into singing it for a small group at an event. We've met a few of times since, and he always mentions it.

The Road Kill Cafe​

You Kill 'em, We Grill 'em​

ENTREESCenter Line Bovine 4.95
The Chicken 3.95
Flat Cat 2.95
Thumper-on-the-bumper 3.95
Rack of Raccoon 3.95
Cheap Sheep $ .43
Road Toad 1.65
Snake 'N' Bake Snake 2.25You'll Eat Like A Hog When You Taste Our Dog
Slab of Lab 2.95
C0cker Cutlets 3.95
Shar-Pei Fillet 5.95
Chunk of Skunk 1.95
Smidgen Pigeon 1.95
Snippet of Whippet 4.50
Collie Hit By A Trolley 3.95
German Shepherd Pie 3.95
Round of Hound 4.25Taste of The Wild Side
Pit Bull Pot Pie 1.95
Smear of Deer 4.95 "Still in The Hide"
Rigor Mortis Tortoise 6.75
Awesome Possum 1.95Sides Of The Road Bowl of Mole .38
Splat of Cat .45
Square of Hare .68
Link of Mink 1.07
Spoon of Coon .32
Gizzard of Lizard .98
Platter of Bladder .48
Squish of Fish .13
Pinch of Finch 1.37
Broth of Moth .17
Fork of Stork .21
Hurled of Squirrel .96
Chin of Hen .13No Animals Were Harmed During The Creation Of This Post.

 

[raebates]

For the record, none of the varmints I serve are actual roadkill.

 

[baychef]

Obedience School WinnerOBEDIENCE SCHOOL WINNER

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I'm glad you liked it and I'm glad the cannibals didn't get you! LOL

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

 

[chefann]

Blonde's year in review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!! What a year!!

 

[climbercanoe3]

Dear Wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't spend time with me or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.Your EX-HusbandP.S. Don't try to find me. Your SIST ER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!Dear Ex-Husband:Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ... And your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

 

[climbercanoe3]

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like ...1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft house
4 inches deep.2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tie d to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four! walls of a 20x20 ft. room.5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already
too late.8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year
old Boy.11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.12. Super glue is forever.13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.14. Pool filters do not like Jell-! O.15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.16 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
like ovens.20. The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with
or without kids.25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Wow! That IS a lot of smoke!

 

[raebates]

I have two questions:Who is this Simon?And, why do we have to do what he says?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

How was your Thanksgiving?At our house...

1. During the middle of the meal, my neice turned and said, "See Mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

2. When everyone got around to say what they were thankful for, my brother said, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refused to say anything more.

3. I loaded up my plate, then took it to the kitchen, tossed it all in the blender, and took the mess back to the table. I told everyone it was the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

4. I took along a tape of a football game from four years ago and put the tape in the VCR when my brother wasn't looking. When he came into the room, we turned off the VCR and turned on the Cartoon Network.

5. My nephew brought his girlfriend. All she talked about was the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Next year we expect she'll bring photos.

No, none of those things really happened but next year, I might just try some of those ideas.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The grade school teacher asked all of the pupils what their fathers did for a living.Annie said, "My father is a doctor.""That's wonderful, Annie, how about your father, Rachel?""My father is a mail carrier," Rachel replied."That's great, Johnny, what does your father do?" the teacher asked."My daddy is dead," Johnny replied quietly."Oh, I'm so sorry," the teacher said. "What did he do before he died?""Well, he grabbed his chest, started groaning and fell on the floor."

 

[baychef]

Enter The Contest Now!WIN 2 TICKETS ALL EXPENSES PAID INCLUDING AIR FARES TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES IN BEIJING, CHINA.

To participate is very easy, just view the attached photo, correctly
answer the following questions and send your answers to:
International Olympic Committee, Private Bag, Lausanne, Switzerland.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?

Good Luck!




















http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/olympics.jpg

 

[baychef]

They say most call centers are now in Indiahttp://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/techsupport.jpg

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.

Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

WARNING! Adult Content! (This is for the birds.)WARNING! Adult Content Follows.

Three birds are migrating when one spots a dove. He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove staggers out of the bushes and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!"

The birds continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few minutes, the lark staggers out and says, "I'm a lark and I've been sparked!"

The birds continue on. A little later the third sees a duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. (DON'T GET AHEAD OF ME!) After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck waddles out and says, "I'm a drake and there's been a mistake!"

 

[chefann]

Fine.

Corrrnnnn.

blleeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhh...

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Great, I just groaned out a mouthfull of Rice Krispies... That joke was horrible. in a bad way horrible...but bad just the same.

I have one, but mind you it was from one of my favorite students (yes, teachers have favorites, don't let them fool you) when I taught Kindergarten...

How do you fix a broken tomato?





With tomato PASTE! hahahahhahahahaaa

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Related to that one...Q: How do you repair a tuba?A: With a tuba glue.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Now THAT'S funny!