Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: How do you repair a broken tuba?A: With a tuba glue.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Religions in AmericaThe Jews do not recognize Jesus.

The Protestants do not recognize the Pope.

Presbyterians do not recognize one another in the liquor store.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?
A: Someone who knocks on doors but isn't really sure why.

Q: Why is it not a good idea to piss off a Unitarian?
A: They're liable to burn a question mark on your front lawn.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Pickle SlicerBill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one dayto confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill ?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill , you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill , what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill! I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

 

[chefann]

And in a very disturbing coincidence, my FIL used to work at the Vlasic Pickle plant in Romeo, MI. :yuck:

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Holy Gherkins, Batman! Was he was the one that got the pickle slicer fired?Or was he a dill character?

 

[chefann]

Sure... let's say he was. So you can edit your post and change "Bill" to "Ernie."

 

[chefann]

I sent that joke to DH. He thinks his dad would find it quite humorous.

 

[chefann]

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw pair a of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully step stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his sewn into his forehead.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Ole came home late one night from work. "Oh, Ole, I'm so glad you came home!" Lena says. "While you were gone, a burglar broke into da house!""Well, did he get anything?" Ole asked her."Well, yah," she says, "But only because I t'ought it was YOU!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Romy lived in a small town in northwestern Wisconsin. He was the only Lutheran in town, and the other townsfolk, all Catholics, liked Ole except one thing. Every Friday night, Romy would grill a venison steak while the rest of the town had their fish.Well, it offended them and they finally convinced Romy to convert to the Catholic faith. Romy wanted to keep peace, so he converted. The priest sprinkled holy water on him as he said, "You were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, but [splash, splash] now you're a Catholic."The townsfolk were very pleased with themselves, but that Friday night, Romy was out in the back yard with the familiar aroma of venison being grilled. They listened and could hear Romy saying, as he sprinkled water on the steak, "You were born a white tail deer, you were raised a white tail deer, but now, you're a walleye."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: What does it take to keep an Amish woman happy?A: Two Mennonite.

 

[chefmeg]

Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing that Arkansas

Q: What did Delaware?
A: Her New Jersey!

Why was the math book sad?.....It had too many problems.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

What did Tennessee?I dunno - but Alaska.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I'm getting tired of West Virginia.I think I'd like to go to Mich, again.

 

[chefann]

Groan!That's pretty bad, KG. Even for you.

 

[lkprescott]

The Jews do not recognize Jesus.

The Protestants do not recognize the Pope.

Presbyterians do not recognize one another in the liquor store.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?
A: Someone who knocks on doors but isn't really sure why.

Q: Why is it not a good idea to piss off a Unitarian?
A: They're liable to burn a question mark on your front lawn.

Q: Why are Unitarians such lousy singers?
A: They're scanning ahead to see whether or not they agree with the words.

 

[chefmeg]

Funny!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Groan!

That's pretty bad, KG. Even for you.

I thought you'd groan accustomed to me by this time.

(I'm half past Indiana as we speak.)

I heard the Kitties beat up on the Teddy Bears today...gee, the Kitties could actually win the division this year - now THAT'S funny!

 

[raebates]

During the Middle Ages, there was an old king who ruled a vast kingdom. King Cole was a kind ruler, but he was known for his slightly mad decrees. For example, one year, he decreed that the cabbage tithed to him be diced and covered in mayonnaise. It was, of course, called Cole’s Law.

 

[chefann]

WARNING. ADULT CONTENT​

* The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love *

12. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
11. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."
10. "Feel the force!"
9. "Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things."
8. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
7. "Do me or do me not - there is no try."
6. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
5. "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass."
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I defended her honor, so she offered her honor,
I honored her offer and all night
It was honor and offer.

 

[raebates]

Thanks, Ann. I'm sitting at my temp job trying to look busy until they have another project for me. Just as I'm giggling at your post, the president of the company walks by and asks me what's so funny. Thankfully he was in front of the desk and couldn't read what I was reading. I just told him it was a joke someone had sent me, which is technically correct. (I consider all posts here to be personally submitted for my enjoyment.)

 

[chefann]

(I consider all posts here to be personally submitted for my enjoyment.)

We aim to please.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I aim, too, please.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

As a mom of a 3 yr old boy, I am now realizing how important good aim is!

 

[chefann]

The World's Shortest Books:

1. Al Gore: The Wild Years
2. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
3. America's Most Popular Lawyers
4. Career Opportunities for History Majors
5. Detroit - A Travel Guide
6. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
7. Easy UNIX
8. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everything Men Know about Women
10. Everything Women Know about Men
11. French Hospitality
12. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
13. How to Sustain A Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel
14. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
15. The Amish Phone Book
And the Number One World's Shortest Book,
16. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

 

[chefann]

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. "Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my God!" says Sid, "so that's what heaven is like..." "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

 

[ChefBeckyD]

The World's Shortest Books:

1. Al Gore: The Wild Years
2. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
3. America's Most Popular Lawyers
4. Career Opportunities for History Majors
5. Detroit - A Travel Guide
6. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
7. Easy UNIX
8. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everything Men Know about Women
10. Everything Women Know about Men
11. French Hospitality
12. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
13. How to Sustain A Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel
14. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
15. The Amish Phone Book
And the Number One World's Shortest Book,
16. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Those are hilarious!

DH went to work today dressed as an engineer nerd. He had a pocket protector and his hair parted on the side and slicked down....and a brief case....and big glasses with tape in the middle of them - it was hilarious!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A little kid says to his dad one day, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician!""I'm sorry, Son," the Old Man says. "You can't have it both ways."* * * * * *Q: What's the difference between a 16" pizza and a musician?A: A 16" pizza can feed a family of four.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Early on a beautiful Spring morning, Papa Mole decided to check out the new smells and sounds of the new season. He traveled along his burrow until he could stick his head out of the burrow. It was a beautiful morning, and he quickly called Mama Mole to join him. "It is such a beautiful morning!" he told her. "The sun is shining, I hear birds singing and I smell, why yes, someone is frying bacon!"Mama Mole pushed her head up next to Papa Mole's and said, "Why, yes, it's beautiful and I smell someone making pancakes - buckwheat pancakes! Come, Baby Mole, and experience this beautiful day with us!"Baby Mole came along the burrow but couldn't push his way past his parents. "Do you smell the bacon?" Mama asked. "Do you smell the baking pancakes?""No," replied Baby Mole rather disgruntled. "All I smell is molasses."

 

[lkprescott]

I just got this in my inbox and had to share. Why Women are Crabby:We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have welts on our backs.Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER.Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.The teen years. Need I say more?The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HR and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks.Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. Send this to bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

An old man is afraid his wife is going deaf, so while she's doing the dishes, he stands a few feet behind her and says, "Can you hear me, Sweetheart?"There's no reply, so he steps a little closer to her and says, "Can you hear me, Sweetheart?"Once again, there's no reply so he leans over and says into her ear, "Can you hear me, Sweetheart?'His wife says, "FOR THE THIRD TIME, YES!"

 

[lkprescott]

The Bathtub TestDuring a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.''Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.''No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?'

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The phone rings at the asylum and the voice on the other end says, "I would like to speak with Mr. Riebel in room 234.""One moment, please," the operator says and she tries to ring the phone. She goes back on the line a moment later and says, "Mr. Riebel is not answering right now.""Good," the voice says. "That means I must have really escaped this time."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The wages of virtueA guy is walking down the street when a panhandler steps in front of him. "Got a dollar you can spare for a guy down on his luck?"

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"

The panhandler says, "No."

The guy says, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to gamble with it?"

The panhandler says, "No."

"Well, then," the guy says, "I'd like you to come home with me for a home cooked meal."

"Why?" the panhandler asks.

"So I can show my wife what happens to a guy who doesn't drink and doesn't gamble."

 

[chefann]

A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

 

[chefann]

The Psychologist and the ProctologistTwo doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors."The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentive."Thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds."Still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."Unacceptable again. So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."No way. "Nuts and Butts?"No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?"Still no go. "Loons and Moons?"Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."Everyone loved it.

 

[lkprescott]

Oh Ann.. those are good ones!

 

[lkprescott]

SUCCESSAt age 4, success is......................not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is.....................having friends.
At age 20, success is.....................having sex.
At age 35, success is.....................making money.
At age 60, success is.....................having sex.
At age 70, success is.....................having friends.
At age 80, success is.....................not peeing your pants.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

At Mr. Ryan's funeral, the first pallbearer slipped and the casket banged into a pillar. A moan came to the casket, and when it was opened, God be praised, Mr. Ryan was still alive. He lived for 10 more years, when alas, his he passed on. As the pallbearers began to carry Mr. Ryans' casket from the church, Mrs. Ryan yelled out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT PILLAR!"

 

[lkprescott]

What the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.....

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

One Sunday morning, the devil decided to go to church. He appeared in the middle of a church in a shower of sparks, lightning and a cloud of red smoke. He ran up and down the aisle, screaming and waving his pitchfork. Most of the congregation ran out in fear, except for one old man who was sitting calming in the front pew.The devil walked up to him, shaking his pitchfork and screaming at the man. "I am the devil, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, I am evil incarnate! DO YOU NOT FEAR ME?!?""Why should I?" the man calmly replied. "I've been married to your sister for 48 years."

 

[lkprescott]

One Sunday morning, the devil decided to go to church. He appeared in the middle of a church in a shower of sparks, lightning and a cloud of red smoke. He ran up and down the aisle, screaming and waving his pitchfork. Most of the congregation ran out in fear, except for one old man who was sitting calming in the front pew.

The devil walked up to him, shaking his pitchfork and screaming at the man. "I am the devil, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, I am evil incarnate! DO YOU NOT FEAR ME?!?"

"Why should I?" the man calmly replied. "I've been married to your sister for 48 years."

LOL... oh that's funny!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa.

 

[chefann]

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and
tuxedo before. What's the story?"To which the fellow responds, "If I'm gonna BE impotent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

WARNING! Adult Content Below:Q: Why do they administer Viagra to the men in the old folks' home?A: To keep them from rolling out of bed.(I tried to take a Viagra last night, but it got stuck in my throat. This morning, I woke up with a stiff neck.)

 

[baychef]

Happy Belated Halloween!A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel
and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.


Very truly yours,
Acme

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

You probably won't find these at Franklin-CoveyThese are my kind of motivational posters - I'm particularly fond of the first one.

 

[baychef]

Anger ManagementSometimes when you are angry with someone,
it helps to sit down and think about the problem.

 

[baychef]

Mileage Study


Who says we're not conservation conscious?

A recent study found the average golfer walks
about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22
gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41
miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud!