Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[AJPratt]

Q: What's laying in a ditch, has brown hair and is black and blue all over?

A: A brunette who told one too many blonde jokes.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Whew. Good thing I have thinning grey hair.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: What do you call a blonde, with a briefcase, sitting in a tree?A: A branch manager.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy goes deer hunting every season, it's something he looks forward to with great anticipation. He starts telling his wife a couple of months before deer season opens how much he looks forward to hunting and being in the woods with his buddies. He tells her how much it always means to him. Of course, he never comes home with a deer and always says that he's just one of those guys who doesn't "get lucky" while hunting. She's not so sure, though. Other deer hunter widows tell her some guys just go for the drinking, gambling and carrousing in deer camp.One year, he mentions that he should take along extra socks and long johns, since sometimes he gets wet out in the woods. Since she always packs for him, he asked her to remember to pack extra socks and long johns for him.After he gets home from hunting, the guys tells his wife all about his adventures, how much he enjoyed his time with his buddies in the woods. "But Honey, I thought you were going to pack extra socks and long johns for me," he says."I did," she says. "They're in your gun case."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the person behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the driver yelled back, "SCARF!"

 

[yummy4tummy]

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.She replied,"They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A little old Italian man (you can use the nationality of your choice in this one) developed hemorrhoids, so he went to the doctor for some relief. The doctor prescribed some suppositories and told him to come back in ten days.Sure enough, ten days later, the little old Italian was back at the doc's office. "Well?" asked the doc. "How are your hemorrhoids?"The man was kinda upset, and said to the doctor, "Doc! Awfulla! Anda dosa pillsa you giva me - for alla da good dey a do-ah me, I might asa wella shova dem uppa my a$s!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy rushes into a doctor’s office with a celery stalk in one ear, a cherry tomato in his nose and a brussel sprout in his eye.The doctor says, "You're not eating right."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Where does someone with one leg work?IHOP.What does a one-legged ballerina wear on stage?A one-one.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Diary of a Snow ShovelerDecember 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our roostertails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Gosh, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the &#%! stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Godfrey Daniel! The snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the donkey cavity is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts?!?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a birch who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his cahones and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the bearverdarn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry frickin Christmas! 20 more inches of the beaver darned slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE [wife] is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his..self. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."He opened the note, and read out loud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates at the exact same time. St. Peter is amazed at the coincidence and looks at his book. He asks the first guy for his name, then says, "You're not scheduled to be here yet. How did you die?"The guy says, "I came home early from work and found my lovely wife, naked in bed, in the middle of the afternoon! I knew there had to be another man in the apartment, so I ran from room to room, searching for her lover. I looked everywhere, but couldn't find him! I was so outraged that I picked up the refrigerator and tossed it out the window! The strain was so much that I had a heart attack and died.""Okay," St. Peter says, "C'mon in," and the gates swing open for him. Then St. Peter asks the second guy for his name and says, "You're not supposed to be here yet, either. How did you die?"The guy says, "I was walking down the street, on a beautiful sunny afternoon, when a refrigerator fell out of the sky and crushed me!" "Okay," St. Peter says, "C'mon in," and the gates swing open for him. Then St. Peter asks the third guy for his name and says, "You're not supposed to be here yet, either. How did you die?""Well, it's like this," the guy says. "There I was, was minding my own business, sitting naked inside this refrigerator..."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Cat Lovers - You Decide If This Is True or NotWe were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. we phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the door to leave the house. the cat we had put out in the backyard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi while I went inside to get the cat. the cat ran upstairs with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night...so, she explained to the driver that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab "Sorry I took so long," I said as we drove away. "That stupid [female dog] was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck, then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me! It worked...I hauled her fat as$ downstairs and threw her out in the backyard!"

The driver hit a parked car...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a Motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're Mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize."

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" She hands the ticket to the manager, who reads...

"W I N A B A G E L"

 

[chefann]

OK- I debated with myself about posting this for all of 30 seconds, especially considering that it was one of the fellas here who started this thread. Well, guys, suck it up! It's funny - and it doesn't necessarily apply to you!

SPRING CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, March 19, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin Monday, March 26, 2007 ​

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours, Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.​

 

[chefann]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!"

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

**********************************************************

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the ****pit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the ****pit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

**********************************************************

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

There's a blowhard Texan in my Model A club that just feels like he has to brag on his state. We usually roll our eyes and let him blather on and on about something. One day, he started to brag about his ranch. "When I leave the house at 8 in the morning, it takes me until noon to get to the front gate."I told him, "Yeah, I used to have a Model A like that, too."

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"

**********************************************************

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

**********************************************************

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

**********************************************************

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

**********************************************************

This is so true:

Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey:

*A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels.
*Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them.
*Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
*The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
*Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
*Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your antilock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
*Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.
*The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information; they're just to make the Turnpike look progressive.
*Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
*Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make NJ look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily enforceable.
*Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
*Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on the Garden State Parkway.
*Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged.
*Learn to swerve abruptly. NJ is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to NJDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
*It is traditional in NJ to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The state is founded upon such traditions.
*Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
*All unmarked exits on the Parkway lead to downtown Newark.

**********************************************************

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Perfect HusbandA young lady visited a matchmaker to help in her quest for marriage. She said, "I'm looking for a companion. Can you please help me find a suitable one?"

The matchmaker said, "Sure! What are you looking for?"

"Well, let me see. He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. He has to be willing to accompany me the whole day and at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. He must also tell me interesting stories when I need companionship for conversations, or be silent when I want to rest."

The matchmaker listened carefully and replied, "I see. You're looking for a television!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

What does a blonde do after a serious autmobile accident?Turn off the ignition?



NO




Get away from the car in case it explodes?



NO




Call 911 on her cell phone?



NO

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

"Honey, I can explain..."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Darby, that truck-in-a-tree is about an hour away from me, on I-43, close to Beloit. I chuckle every time I drive past that guy's place.

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

What is the story behind it? I've had this picture forever and always thought "WTF"?

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

These are just too funny not to post...

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

these too...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Thank you, Henny Youngman

"Honey, I can explain..."

Now, take my wife, please.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife loves to shop. She has a black belt in shopping.

She loves Bloomingdales. I take her mail there twice a week.

She'll buy anything that's marked down. Last week, she came home with an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

Three weeks ago, she learned to drive. Last week, she learned how to aim.

She called me and said, "The car is in the living room." I asked her, "How did the car get into the living room?" She said, "I made a left coming out of the kitchen."

She called and said, "The car isn't running right." I said to her, "What's the problem?" She said, "The mechanic says there's water in the caburetor." I said, "Okay, where is the car now?" She said, "It's in the swimming pool."

My wife said, "For our anniversary, I want to go somewhere I've never gone before." I said, "Why don't you go to the kitchen?"

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother in law to the airport.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

What is the story behind it? I've had this picture forever and always thought "WTF"?

As far as I know, it's just a guy who likes Chevrolets.

I like your signs...remeniscent of my current AV.

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

Ah...Good Ol' Henny Youngman...I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

A wonderful Doctor gave this guy 6 months to live. When he couldn't pay his bills, he gave him another 6 months.

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?'
She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.'
I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

My kid is a born doctor. Nobody can read anything he writes.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" A man goes to a barbershop and asks "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back tomorrow, and asks, "How many ahead of me." "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

My wife's cooking is fit for a king."Here, King! Here, Boy! Here, King!"

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

And now a message from Julius Henry....A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.


A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.


A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.


A man's only as old as the woman he feels.


A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.


Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.


And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.


Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.


Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.


From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.


Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.


Go, and never darken my towels again.


Humor is reason gone mad.


I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.


I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.


I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.


I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.


I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.


I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.


I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.


I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.


I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.


I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.


I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.


I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.


I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.


I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.


I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.


If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.


If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.


In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.


It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.


Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?


Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!


Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.


Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.


No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.


One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.


Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.


Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.


Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.


Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.


Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.


Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!


Room service? Send up a larger room.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.


The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.


The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.


Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.


Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.


Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.


Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.


Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?


Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!


Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.


Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.


Women should be obscene and not heard.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/3b/Grouchomarxpromophoto.jpg/141px-Grouchomarxpromophoto.jpgYour eyes, how they shine. Like the pants on a blue serge suit.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Oh, I can see it now. You and the moon.Wear a tie, so I'll know you.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A Crumby ReportMinneapolis, MN - 2/28/07 - AP - The Pillsbury Corporation announced yesterday that Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection with complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, Twinkie The Kid, Ronald McDonald, Wendy and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovinglydescribed Doughboy as someone who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in raw business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. Thought not to a very smart cookie after wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes, but despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for 20-24 minutes.

Okay, you're right, it's old but it resurfaces once and awhile and it crossed my inbox today. Remember it next time you're making a show recipe with Pillsbury tubed breads.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Abort, Retry, Ignore?Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

--Unknown, With Apologies to Edgar Allan Poe​

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Movie Computers1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.

4. All monitors display inch-high letters.

5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.

6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.

8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)

9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.

10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)

11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.

12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.

13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.

14. You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)

15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.

16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.

18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").

19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.

20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)

21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.

22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See "Aliens".)

23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.

24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.

25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.

26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".)

27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)

 

[yummy4tummy]

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.


2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tire.


3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.


5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.


8 . Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.


9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.


12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.


16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.


18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.



19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.


20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

In Honor of Saint PatrickI be postin' a good Irish joke, everyday until St. Paddy's, and maybe even a wee bit after.
------------------
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana' [sic]. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "...maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No," he replied. "In Ireland, we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," Brennan explained.

 

[chefann]

What's green, Irish, and lives outside all year?Patty O'Furniture

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Colleen shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually Colleen returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Colleen's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

 

[chefann]

True friendship(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
   
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
   
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
   
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
   
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
   
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
   
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
   
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
   
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask, "because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you feel the true warmth. Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (And don't send it back to me....I don't want to hear it!!!) And remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!!!!!

 

[chefann]

Traffic stopsGOOD:
A Harrisville, RI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Mapleville, RI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a Rhode Island State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RI State Troopers Ball." He replied, "Rhode Island State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

 

[chefann]

Retired PeopleWorking people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went to a small shop down on High Street. I was only in there for about 10 minutes.

When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He looked up, then ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a heartless Nazi bastard. He glared at me and then started writing another ticket for worn tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. I called him an asshole and a pig. Then he started writing a third ticket. I called his mother a slut and a whore.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came downtown by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at my age.

 

[chefann]

Men...Subject: MEN

Men are like....

• Laxatives - They irritate the crap out of you.
• Bananas - The older they get, the less firm they are.
• Weather - Nothing can be done to change them.
• Blenders - You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
• Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
• Commercials - You can't believe a word they say.
• Department Stores - Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
• Government Bonds - They take soooooooo long to mature.
• Mascara - They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
• Popcorn -They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
• Lava Lamps - Fun to look at, but not very bright.
• Parking Spots - All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Why are men happier then women?

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station rest-room because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress - $5000 … Tux rental - $100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood - all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips
• One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

[chefann]

Important memo

Memorandum to all Department Heads​

Re: Standard procedure instructions in case of DEATH OF EMPLOYEE

It has been recently brought to the attention of this office that many employees have been dying while on duty for apparently no good reason at all. And furthermore, the same employees are refusing to fall over after they are dead.

THIS PRACTICE MUST STOP AT ONCE.

On and after January 1, 2006, any employee found sitting up after he or she has died will be dropped from the payroll at once without an investigation under Policy 89, section 8.

Where it can be proved that an employee is being held up by a desk, computer, copier or any other support which is property of the Company, a ninety day period of grace will be granted.

The following procedure will be strictly adhered to:

If, after several hours, it is noticed that an employee has not moved or changed position, the Department head will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature of our employees and the close resemblance between death and their natural working attitude, the employee may appear asleep. If some doubt exists as to the true condition, extending a pay-check is the final test. If the employee does not reach for it, it may be reasonable to assume that death has occurred.

NOTE: In some cases, the instinct is so strongly developed, however, that spasmodic clutching reflex may occur. Don’t let this fool you.

In all cases, a signed statement by the dead person must be filed on a special form provided for this purpose. Fifteen copies will be required, three to be sent to Washington and two to the deceased. The other will be promptly lost in Department files.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I'm a wee bit behind in postin' me Irish jokes for St. Paddy so here's one for now and I be postin' anoder one later.
--------------------------------
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer throw." He was also admitted.The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

 

[chefann]

The Senility Prayer

God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

[sarahmarie]

Food one-liners


The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.