Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[ChefBeckyD]

I admit that seems funny - but from the looks of the crash and the ground around her - she's probably trying to get the glass out of her hair!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Well, it's like, you know, I driving down, like, the highway and I was just, you know, like, talking to my best friend on, you know, like my cell phone, and I saw this, you know, like zit on my nose in, like, you know, the rear view mirror so I, like, you know, looked in the mirror to see it when this, like, you know, big truck, like you know, a really big one and I'm going like, you know, there's this truck in my way and he made me step on, like, the brake so I'm like, stopping, you know, and I'm going like, WHATEVER! and I dropped my phone! Well, you know, like I had to find it cause I could hear, like, you know, my friend yelling at me, she's going like, "Are you there?" and I'm going like, you know, I'm here! and I'm like yelling at her so she can, like, you know, hear me when the truck, like, stopped, right there on, like, the freeway like, what is this guy DOING? so I like had to, you know, swerve like to not hit the jerk, like you know? and the car like, flipped over. I'm so mad, like, I can't find my, you know, like cell phone and I can, like, you know, hear my friend yelling at me. Well, I like climbed out of the car and got my, you know, purse and stuff and like, lucky I could find my hair brush in case there's like, you know, this really cute cop?

 

[elizabethfox]

I, like...think I am all "liked" out.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

It's harder to read than to listen to - but not much.

 

[raebates]

Just in time for Easter:Q. What does it mean when the Easter bunny is a day late and the candy melted?A. He had a bad hare day.Q. What do you get if you pour warm water down a rabbit hole?A. Hot cross bunnies.Q. What does it mean if you see 20 rabbits lined up, all marching backwards?A. You have a receding hareline.Q. How does a rabbit make gold soup?A. With 25 carrots.
Happy Easter!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Ahem... A Spring PoemSpring has sprung, the grass has riz I wonder where the birdie is. There he is up in the sky, he just poopied in my eye. I won't sob, I won't cry.....
I'm just glad that cows can't fly.




Thank you!

Now, could it PLEASE stop snowing!?!?!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

This one usually shows up this time of year, too.

 

[raebates]

Every year my dad says, "I don't eat rabbit eggs. I've seen where they come from." Seriously. Every year. Several times. It was a little funny the first 1,783,294 times, but not any longer. I feel better now.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Economist: Someone who explains today all the reasons why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen.

 

[katie0128]

Of Course They're Scissors...There are times when kids draw something and you just have to say... "Wow, tell me about your picture," because you have no clue what it is...


QUOTE FROM THE MOM:

This is my kindergartner's artistic rendering of a pair of scissors. I wonder what his teacher thought. I allowed myself just a small smirk when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room until I started crying from laughing so hard. Well, of course they're scissors. As you know, I will need to display this on my refrigerator for a length of time...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? A: Chuck Norris.

 

[climbercanoe3]

Stress test

READ CAREFULLY


Stress test:

There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals:

King Kong, an Ape, an Orangutan and a Monkey.

They have a competition to see who is the fastest to get the banana.
Who do
you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality. Try and answer within 30
seconds

Got your answer? Scroll down to see the analysis.











If your answer is ...

King Kong = Stupid

Orangutan = Flippen Stupid

Ape = You Fool

Monkey = You are an idiot





Why?????
Coconut trees don't have bananas.........!!
It's obvious you're stressed out.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Sounds like a question on the entrance exam for Densa.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

By popular demand...http://members.aol.com/frogmays/densa.htmlI had 14 - how about you?

 

[janetupnorth]

By popular demand...http://members.aol.com/frogmays/densa.htmlI had 14 - how about you?

I got 14 too...I feel so smart today! (Only because the test called me a genius!)

 

[climbercanoe3]

BLONDE AND NEW CATHOLIC HUSBANDOn their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with
great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic
husband had settled down on the couch.When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied, "It's Lent."In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have
Ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

 

[Stephaniecafe]

Kitchen Guy! My husband is a safety specialist! He is going to love this hazardous warning. TEEE HEE

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I got 14 too...I feel so smart today! (Only because the test called me a genius!)

I got 12 even though I answered the two right that they said I got wrong, it was just all in HOW I typed in the answer. At least my brain is still functioning...Now, where is that phone number for MENSA?

 

[c00p]

Never give your child a flip phone....



http://i282.photobucket.com/albums/kk278/c00p4/flipphone.jpg

 

[elizabethfox]

OH....that is just bad!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

WHY-WHY-WHY are little boys so obsessed with trying to hang things or attach things to their weenies? OUCH!!!

 

[c00p]

I'm "stretching" this a bit.......but maybe by a long shot, it's genetics!!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

hahahahahahaaaaa you are very funny!

 

[elizabethfox]

omg too funny

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Father Ole was the priest at Our Lady of the Evening and Pastor Sven was the pastor of the Lutheran church, across the street. One morning, the two of them were seen pounding signs into the ground in front of their churches.The signs read, "DA END ISS NEEAR! TURN YERSELFS AROUND NOW, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"A car went speeding by, the driver was leaning out of the window. As he sped by, the driver shook his fist and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"From the curve up the road, the two of them heard screeching tires and a huge splash. Pastor Sven turned to Ole and he said, "Father, maybe da signs should just say, "Bridge Out?"

 

[baychef]

What To Do With Those G.i. Joe Action Figures.WHAT TO DO WITH THOSE G.I. JOE ACTION FIGURES.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

From Stephanie Petersen...Jean and Marla trying to get to the home office number one parking place in the morning:YouTube - Chevy Trailblazer SS and Corvette Ballet

 

[baychef]

Modern terms...memorize and get them right!Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians , Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'


You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .



And furthermore



HOW TO SPEAK
ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:




1 She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.



5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a' LOW COST PROVIDER.'





HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.



3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'




5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL A$$' - He develops a case of ACUTE RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad nameIf you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the! police man's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

 

[time2cook]

Don't forget April 15 is right around the cornerDear Internal Revenue Service,
Enclosed you will find my 2007 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper;dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the 'Presidential Election Fund,' as noted on my return.
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5' Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5' Phillips Head Screws).
One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.Sincerely,A Satisfied Taxpayer

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Helpful Household Hints for GuysAMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

That's about rightGone to a gas station lately?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Signs of the Times

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

My new Avatar

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Got gas?

 

[elizabethfox]

LOL

My husband actually made the comment the other day that we needed to fence in the yard and buy a few goats. Says they will keep the lawn trimmed for us....ha ha

 

[chefann]

Caution- adult language.

A 5 year old's first job...

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied , 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f***ing sheetrock.'

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

That is a delightful variation of one of my old favorites!CAUTION - More Adult Language!In my old favorite version, Little Johnny is watching the crew build the house, and he learns how to hang a door.His report back to his mother is full of colorful language, far too colorful to post here, even with ****'s and *&^%$#!'s. His mother is shocked and sends him to his room with the admonition, "Wait until your father gets home!"At the dinner table, Mother had Johnny repeat his report for his father. Dad sits in stunned silence for a moment, then says, "Johnny, we do not use such language in our home nor will you ever use that language again. Fetch me a switch!"Johnny retorts, "**** You! That's the electrician's job!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

More potty humorWhat do you do with dead goldfish?

Well, here's a way to make that job even more convenient.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

More signs of the times

 

[climbercanoe3]

New Treatment For SunburnA guy fell asleep on the beach for Several hours And got horrible sunburn,
Specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed Continuous intravenous feeding With saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied,it won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

 

[chefann]

OK, I hate to sound like a prude, but...There are a lot of consultants on this board from a lot of different backgrounds. When posting a joke in this thread that involves any of the following, please indicate "Adult content" as the first line of the post so people who choose to do so can avoid it (and others can be prepared):
- sex
- body parts that are usually covered by underwear
- 4-letter words that are commonly represented by symbols (*!&@#)
- potentially embarassing or offensive situationsThanks.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Truth in Advertising

 

[raebates]

I think I've shopped there. The Furry Guy is convinced that's just about the only place I shop.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

MemoTo: All Americans
From: IRS Administration
Re: Rebate Checks

The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India .

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Chile, Argentina, Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan .

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy whiskey, beer and cigarettes, since these are the only products still produced in the US .

Thank you for your help

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Are you suspicious?Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. It's really nothing new.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

Eve replied, "Counting your ribs!"

 

[chefann]

Tough Love vs. Spanking Most of America's population thinks it's improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments." One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. Sincerely,
a Friend P.S. I think this will work with grandchildren, also. http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb315/chefann1138/unknown.jpg

 

[baychef]

To: All Americans
From: IRS Administration
Re: Rebate Checks

The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India .

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Chile, Argentina, Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan .

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy whiskey, beer and cigarettes, since these are the only products still produced in the US .

Thank you for your help

A similar version of http://www.chefsuccess.com/426783-post1145.html

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Yes, I admit it. You beat me to it. I forgot your post was there. I humbly prostrate myself at your feet, Your Highness.