What to Do: Husband Can't Keep Secret

[AJPratt]

Hello... I know it has been some time since I have been on, but I have been checking the threads to keep up to date. Things with the coffee business are good, crazy busy but good.

Something has been weighing on me for some time and I still look to all of you for advice. So, here's what happened. We closed on our loan (yea!). A week before my bank rep called me in confidence to let me know he was leaving the bank but was getting some things in order first, which was very kind. I didn't plan on telling Dave because he CAN NOT keep a secret, and will let things slip at the WORST, most embarrassing time. People have learned about affairs because of him. And he doesn't even know that he does it. He is a great guy but I know his limitations. His parents are the same way.

Anyway, he walked in on me telling my brother about the banker. There was no way to cover it, so I had to tell him. I told him that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES was he to tell his parents for the following reasons: 1) They were going to be at our closing and he didn't tell the bank yet 2) It was Darren's business, not theirs. 3) He told me in confidence and they can't keep a secret. He AGREED with me--AGREED with me. So, long story short... all went well at closing. The closing specialist let us know that Darren had just resigned that morning. I simply said "OK" while his parents looked shocked and made a comment about Darren leaving us hanging.

We go out for lunch afterwards and while Dave went to the bathroom the subject of Darren came up. I wanted to clear the air about Darren and, since it was safe, I told them what happened. His Mom says, "Oh, yeah, Dave told us the same day you found out, but told us not to say anything. We just acted like we didn't know." I am fuming. It has been a few weeks and I am still mad. Piss mad as my friend would say. Dave does not know that I know. Its not the biggest deal in the world, but how can I expect anything to be private? I feel that I can't trust him. Should I confront him? He tells his parents everything. Please be brutally honest with me.

 

[finley1991]

You need to talk to him about it. You can't ruin your days being "piss mad". (Love that term by the way). Tell him you're disappointed in him and that he broke your confidence and that for the time being, you will filter what you decide to share with him until he can get his "sharing" impulse under control. Good luck!

 

[cmdtrgd]

Anne - I think you need to sit down with him and go over JUST this last incident. It won't do any good to talk about stuff in the past and he will just get defensive. Sit him down and go over the conversation of you telling him and make sure you both remember it the same way. Then, tell him about your lunch and what happened. Then ask what happened and why these two stories don't fit well together.Now, I am notorious for forgetting things. I HAVE to write them down! For example, I love animals and can't bear to see them lost and frightened, much less leave them on the side of the road. When my hubby and I got married, he knew that about me. He also knew that if I brought something home, I would want to keep it. We agreed that I wouldn't bring animals home because we already had the two cats and couldn't afford more nor could we find room for them in our little house (3 bed, 3 adults, 2 cats). I remember this, but my heart really does go out to these animals. I mean well, but I also don't want to lose my marriage. So, after the last one - about a year ago - we sat down and talked it over again. The sad part was that I agreed with him, yet I did something else because of my emotions. He had to show me, logically, why it was hurting our relationship as well as could possibly infect our cats that we already have. So, as silly as this seems, I put a weekly reminder in my computer calendar "DO NOT PICK UP STRAY ANIMALS". It is still there and gives me a chuckle. However, it is a subtle reminder that I put in my computer. Not something where he is policing me - make sense?

 

[pamperedlinda]

Hey Anne, welcome back! Great new avatar too....have you lost weight? Your face looks so much thinner in this pic.

Back to the question at hand. I'd be PO'd too. Personally, I'd probably say something about it b/c I'm not very good at keeping things bottled-up. And, I would let him know that he won't be hearing any more secrets from you! Good luck.

 

[cmdtrgd]

You need to talk to him about it. You can't ruin your days being "piss mad". (Love that term by the way). Tell him you're disappointed in him and that he broke your confidence and that for the time being, you will filter what you decide to share with him until he can get his "sharing" impulse under control. Good luck!

Colleen - I have been on the receiving end (see above post) of a similar response and felt that it changed my relationship with my husband to a father/daughter type of relationship. The change needs to come from him, IMHO.

 

[PamperedChefDebi]

So you weren't telling him because he wouldn't keep it to himself and he didn't tell you he knew because you would be pissed knowing that he did exactly what you were worried he would do. Wow.

I don't blame you for being pissed but as far as how to get through to him, that is the challenge. I do think you need to confront him about it. But as far as how, I'm not sure. I'd have to really think about that for a while. Maybe wait until you're not "piss mad" and you can calmly talk to him about it and about how you feel it negatively affects your relationship.

Good luck!

 

[chefann]

Hey, Annie!

No advice from me on the Dave issue, but I've been keeping up with your blog and can't wait to start hearing stories about the kooky regulars at your shop!

Actually, I guess I agree with Colleen. Dave's a grown-up, and he should be able to understand the difference between a private secret and a "public" secret. Cut him off for a little while and see if he learns his lesson.

 

[AJPratt]

Thanks for the advice so far.

Linda: I'm down 32 pounds, but since I was 100 pounds overweight, I have a way to go. Thanks for the compliment! You can't really see it, but my hair behind my neck is pink. Totally coffee shop girl, huh?

Ann: Cut him off. LOL I can't wait to meet my kooky customers! Thanks for checking my blog!

The thing is that this will just be another go round with him on this. I don't get over things quickly. We all hold grudges in my family. Can't help it I guess.

 

[pamperedlinda]

32 pounds....that is fantastic! You are 1/3 to your goal. Since you mentioned it, I can see touches of pink in your hair, cute! I guess I need to chech-up on your blog and catc the stories. Thanks for checking-in, I was wondering how things were going.

 

[cmdtrgd]

One thing about cutting him off is, will he know it?

 

[katie0128]

You definitely need to have a talk with him. There was no need to tell his parents and the longer is continues, the less likely you are going to share things with him.
That said (please don't shoot me - just playing devil's advocate and not meant to be in any way) didn't Darren talk to YOU in confidence? If so, why did you share it with your brother? Isn't that basically the same thing? Sharing with a spouse is one issue, but what purpose did it serve to tell your brother?

 

[PamperedChefDebi]

You definitely need to have a talk with him. There was no need to tell his parents and the longer is continues, the less likely you are going to share things with him.
That said (please don't shoot me - just playing devil's advocate and not meant to be in any way) didn't Darren talk to YOU in confidence? If so, why did you share it with your brother? Isn't that basically the same thing? Sharing with a spouse is one issue, but what purpose did it serve to tell your brother?

The devil's advocate does have a point..... Darn it Katie!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

...can't wait to start hearing stories about the kooky regulars at your shop!

[hijack]
How are you and I ever going to be regulars at a place in New Joisey?
[/hijack]

 

[katie0128]

[hijack]
How are you and I ever going to be regulars at a place in New Joisey?
[/hijack]

YOU would be the kooky regulars!

 

[jlevernier]

I think it's interesting that Dave can't keep a secret from his folks, but he was able to keep from telling you that he told them. He does understand about keeping things to himself! Now, how do you get him to see that?

--Jenny L

 

[katie0128]

[hijack]
How are you and I ever going to be regulars at a place in New Joisey?
[/hijack]

You commute enough... just expand your territory!

 

[lacychef]

Man, that is tough & I would be ticked too. I would definately talk to him.

Congrats on losing that weight!:balloon:
So when is opening day?!

 

[KimmyDarling]

I would kick his ASS!!!! LOL just kiddin. Kinda.Anne, I would be absolutely furious. Seriously. And what's with your MIL telling you that? She should have kept that to herself, in my opinion!

 

[AJPratt]

WOW! Lost track of this thread. Thanks for all of your feedback.
Linda: Thanks... Days just go by so quickly and I lose track of everything.

Katie: That's a good observation, but Darren was telling "us". My brother is doing our buildout, so he was involved with us and our funding. We were having a conversation about the layout and I mentioned it.

KG: (groan)

Jenny: It bugs me, I feel like nothing is private.

Kimmy: And, yes, she should have, but I am glad I know.

Lacy: We don't have a date yet as we are waiting for the permit approval. We are figuring early-mid November at this point. It all depends on how fast people move.

I am just deading talking to him because I have just talked to him about other things and this will seem like I am harping on him.

 

[amy07]

Ann, next time your MIL says something like "well, he told us blah blah blah" just do what I did. Turn around and ask her, "well since he seems to tell you everything, does he tell you when we have sex? That should shut her up for awhile!

 

[AJPratt]

Amy, I am so tempted, but I am already construed as "distant" or "not that into things" with his family. I don't want to make a difficult situation worse.

I am glad he is close with his family, but there have been some things where I could have really used my Mom's advice and didn't ask because of betraying a trust with my husband. I guess that's why this really bothers me.

 

[DebbieSAChef]

Hey AnnHey Ann,

Great to see you again! I agree, great pic of you in your avatar! Well I am so sorry you are having to deal with this situation with your hubby when you are going to open a new business, that's enough stress as it is, but my advice to you is to talk about it!!
Don't let things linger or build up inside until you blow up one day at him or start to get bitter. I really suggest you sit down with him and be brutally honest with him. Tell him everything you told us, about not being able to trust him, feeling like nothing is private, and that you should be first in his life, not his parents!
Leave and cleave!! I love that! It's so true, sometimes the strings tied to mom and dad are double knotted and retied by the parents when they start noticing they are coming undone!! I suggest you cut those ties, slowly at first but obviously they do need to be cut!
Tell him that married couples need things that are private and just between them, and no one needs to know, not even his parents. He may get defensive, he may get angry but it needs to be said. After the smoke clears I'm sure he will understand and rationally agree with you. It's easier said than done for someone who has done this for years, change will be hard but necessary. Work through it with him. I'll pray for you guys!!

Debbie