Prayers for My Kids-Husband Left(Long Post)

[wadesgirl]

I have one big thing that could help you out a lot - Ala-non! It can be a lifesaver for someone in your situation. At least he is willing to realize he made a mistake and hopefully he will maybe attend meetings himself and you can get into some counseling!

 

[Humble Beginnings]

I have one big thing that could help you out a lot - Ala-non! It can be a lifesaver for someone in your situation. At least he is willing to realize he made a mistake and hopefully he will maybe attend meetings himself and you can get into some counseling!

I agree with everyone's advice and support. Please check out if there is an Alanon meeting by you, you can visit their site just by googling. There is also one online meeting if you can't make it to a face to face meeting. I was in a similiar situation and wish someone would have told me about it when I was going thru it. I did eventually find out but this is definitly a place for you not your DH. We are just as affected by it and for years I didn't even know it. It will bring comfort to you, please email me, I posted email before and I would be happy to share more.

Prayers coming your way!

 

[byrd1956]

Jess, Prayers going to you and your family.

 

[pampchefsarah]

Jess, my prayers, as well, are with you, the children, your grandpa, and your husband.

As yet another child of an alcoholic, I can tell you that being sober two days means nothing, if he's just doing it 'cold turkey.' I suggest having your husband look into Setting Captives Free - New Wine. Only God can set your husband free from the sin of alcoholism, and he'll learn how at SCF. This site/organization helped me overcome the sin of gluttony, and I can testify they are truly Bible-based and Christ-centered. it's free, so you lose nothing by looking into it, but you can gain so much!!

May the Lord's peace be with you in this time of trouble, and always-

YSIC

Sarah

 

[raebates]

You, your children, your husband, and the entire situation will be in my prayers.

 

[Jess_K]

here's an update.. Grandpa is alright and made it thru the surgery.. so that's a good thing.
My husband on the other hand is back to drinking.. he lasted only a few days he had at least 5 beers tonight... (so he tells me) I'm contemplating leaving this week.. but still haven't decided. It sure kills all my enthusiam with PC.. really wanted to have an open house and my fundraiser, but just not sure if I can, well I know i can't especially if I'm not at home.. thanks for all the prayers and my kids and I will need strength in the next few days. I can't risk them being around him when he's drinking again for fear of a possible repeat. he's also started to track where I've been on the computer so I have limited resources as far as that goes. Just wanted to also again say thanks for any and all support.
Jess

 

[gbakes27]

I have so much to say Jess. I married TWO alchoholics! Please - get out. He will not change with you there - that is a promise! You can't let the kids se this. PC can give you so much strength but can alo make you feel so scared in thee situations( so overwhelming). Can you work your business from your parents place? It would be a great way for you to get out and feel good about yourself. Ok - so the thing I was going to ask you when i first read this post the first day it happened was - is he abusive in any way? ell, you hit it right on the head - he is 'tracking' you?? You can go to a violence intervention counselor and get tons of help! He is definitely verbally and mantally abusive to you and your kids from what I have read. Belive me, I would have rather been hit than have the things I used to have said to me (second husband) - not that he didn't shove me around a lot. The verbal is so deep and long lasting. I have to run to work. Pm if you like. I am so sorry to see you go through this. I'm here for you - as we all are. - Gina

 

[laurichef]

Still praying, Jess. Stay strong.

 

[pamperedbecky]

I'm so sorry, Jess! I hope you can access the resources you need, both for you AND for your children. Hang in there and get a plan in place. I'll keep you and your kids in my prayers.

 

[KellyTheChef]

Jess...glad to hear grandpa did well, but I am so sad to hear that DH hasn't changed for good. I will keep praying for you and your kids! Prayers for strength, wisdom, courage, and financial peace!

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[PampMomof3]

Gosh Jess, I clicked on here hoping for some kind of good news but when there is an alcoholic, until he reaches for help.......

Still praying.

 

[vwpamperedchef]

Jess we are all pulling and praying for you to get out of that situation. Have you spoken with your parents? If not, you need to tell them. Parents have an unconditional love for you and will be glad you came to them.

If you need any other resources, I am sure I speak for everyone, when I say, you can call on us if you need too.

HUGS

 

[lacychef]

I missed this until now....I'll be thinking of you. Glad your grandpa is doing okay; at least there's that bright spot. I hope that you have/will talk to your parents. They will be there for you no matter what. Reading your posts brings back awful memories that I won't go into; but my dh had a drinking problem, was more than likely an alcoholic as well. I will tell you that it has to be his decision to quit. My dh finally realized that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore; he quit cold turkey one day & hasn't drank since...it'll be 5 years this new year's. I thank the lord everyday that he made that decision. So, they can change, but like I said it has to be up to them; & you have to be tough with him.
Take care of yourself & those kiddos!

 

[janetupnorth]

Jess - Is it possible for you to get a restraining order and kick HIM out?He is the one with the issue and needs help, especially if he is monitoring you. He needs to leave and get straightened out, not you be forced out with little kids and no place to go. The kids need the stability of their house and own rooms.I'd check into that. Do you have local resources that can help you check your options? Also, I'd go to the local library with the kids during the day and see if they have free internet access so you can hop on once in awhile without his monitoring if you need something.

 

[Chef Michelle D]

Jess, I am so sorry that your dh is drinking again. I hope you have talked to your parents and can go and stay with them. I do think you need to get a restraining order put against him so he can't get to you or your kids. Please keep safe and you and your kids are in my prayers.

 

[Jess_K]

well a lot of you have mentioned my parents.. I haven't mentioned it to them yet.. they are out of town right now with my sister. It's been a rough road with them the past years too and I almost feel like I've burned that bridge. I'm hesitant. I've got a lot of soul searching to do and figure out what will be best for my kids and I. I do believe there is some kind of restraining order I can file, so I will look at all my options. I feel very limited as he is tracking where and when I'm online. Thanks again and again for all the support, it truely means a TON.
Jess

 

[janetupnorth]

Jess - go to the library as I suggested or call around for local shelters, etc. I'm sure someone can go over options and give you online access there. Stay safe!...and don't negate the parents...they are PARENTS! Wouldn't you do anything for your children?

 

[cmdtrgd]

I haven't read through the whole thread, but here is my quick advice:1. get a lawyer and discuss your options of custody, visitation, alimony, child support.2. get some counseling for yourself.3. if you decide to continue with the marriage, make sure there are some ground rules like AA meetings, marriage counseling, maybe even a Breathalyzer attached to the ignition of the cars4. go get a massage5. change the locks but have a key set aside for him so he can't claim that it was all your idea for him to leave6. document everything!!!

 

[pcchefjane]

My DH hit me and knocked me down the last night he lived with me. He had slept in a separate bedroom for over 1 year at that time. Blessedly, my DD who was 9 at the time was at my Mom's because she had been throwing up all day. It took him only a few minutes to "pack" because he knew if he ever hit me again, he was gone. He slapped me in front of my DD when she was 5 because I accused him of having an affair. I told him if it ever happened again, I would throw him out. Some very sweet and wise friends told me that he needed to agree to counseling or he could not come to our home again. He had been first on Prozac and then Wellbrutrin for severe depression. His parents convinced him that any marital issues were my fault and he didn't need the meds, so he stopped them "cold-turkey" and that is when he became violent. Know that your children will do much better without the turmoil he causes. The 4 year old is smart enough to understand that it is not "Mommy" who is the mean one. My Mom helped me so much with adjustments, etc. once he left. I went down 3 days after he left, moved any money in our names to mine, and closed all joint accounts. He called me at home several hours later (17 years ago so no cell phones) and wanted to know what I was doing at the bank at 3 p.m. that day. He didn't have to be at work until 4:30 so I figure he was on his way to do the same thing and saw my car. I begged him to go to counseling but he made his choice.

Stand firm. Rely on God and your friends and family. Don't let him have the children unsupervised for now. Get a lawyer as quickly as possible...maybe someone in your church can help at a low rate. Above all, do not blame yourself. You can "what if" but it comes down to his alcohol problems that must be addressed! Know we are all here for you! I completely agree with documenting everything. I had times/dates of all calls, visits, etc and they helped a great deal when going into court.

 

[Jess_K]

I haven't read through the whole thread, but here is my quick advice:

1. get a lawyer and discuss your options of custody, visitation, alimony, child support.

2. get some counseling for yourself.

3. if you decide to continue with the marriage, make sure there are some ground rules like AA meetings, marriage counseling, maybe even a Breathalyzer attached to the ignition of the cars

4. go get a massage

5. change the locks but have a key set aside for him so he can't claim that it was all your idea for him to leave

6. document everything!!!

Wow this one sure does sound nice!!!

 

[Jess_K]

hi, this will be quick as we are headed out the door on a 7 hour drive to see my Grandpa.. he's not doing well and will mostl likely pass away here in the next few days.. wish my kids and I luck.. thanks..

 

[PChefPEI]

hi, this will be quick as we are headed out the door on a 7 hour drive to see my Grandpa.. he's not doing well and will mostl likely pass away here in the next few days.. wish my kids and I luck.. thanks..

That's so sad, Jess. Good luck to you guys. You'll remain in my prayers.

 

[lacychef]

Aw Jess; I'll be thinking of you...drive safely.

 

[janetupnorth]

hi, this will be quick as we are headed out the door on a 7 hour drive to see my Grandpa.. he's not doing well and will mostl likely pass away here in the next few days.. wish my kids and I luck.. thanks..

Jess -

I choose not to wish you luck but to pray for you and your family. Drive safely and have some good family time while you can.

 

[Audra Day]

Praying that God grants you the wisdom to make the choice that's right for you! May God grant your grandfather peace and he brings him home to be with him.

 

[pampered1224]

Jess my heart totally bleeds for you. I have watched this many times in my own family. Not the immediate one yet. I have a brother, who is a lot better than he was and a sister who is going down hill fast. My grandparents and several uncles were the same way. My aunts - yep two - divorced husbands just like yours. The reason, after the big blow up and walk out, and promises of stopping, the husbands started "stalking" my aunts. No internet then but they kept track of every little move. And accused a lot of things. It eventually got so bad to the point of verbal and physical abuse. One uncle nearly killed my aunt. His paranoia and lack of self esteme almost killed her. One thing any type of abuser does is isolate. Your putting out your parents from your life plays right into that. Chef Success is another thing he will eventually make you loose. Any connection to anyone other than him, in his mind must be totally broken. Please be very careful. If you decide it is time to leave. Do NOT do it hastily. Make a plan, make sure you have a place to go, call the police to tell them what is happening and when. They may not be able to help but at least they would be aware if something goes wrong. And most importantly, call a womens help line when he is not around. They can help you cover all those bases and may be able to help you "escape" by being there for you or finding a safe place for a while. You know an alcoholic is extremely unpredictable. He may decide to hurt you to get you to stay.
Jess, you gotta get out. If he is doing the "yo-yo" thing, there is no stopping him. And you sure as heck don't wanna be there when he decides to kill you. Sorry to be so blunt, his life is miserable of his own accord but he is gonna, and mark my words, blame you and take you down with him.
Sorry - got a bit dramatic here but as you may have noticed I didn't change anything. I fear for you as my experiences have never taught me otherwise. And yes, I am praying very hard for you. For strength and to know when to save yourself and your children. And I am praying for your grandfather. And your entire family so you may reunite with your parents and to make things OK.

 

[pamperedbecky]

Wow, Jess. Sorry to hear about the turn of events with your grandpa. I'm sorry you have to deal with that TOO. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[krzymomof4]

I am praying for you Jess. Luckily, I haven't had this happened in my life, but I can see why that show on A&E is so widely popular.

 

[PampMomof3]

Still in my thoughts and prayers Jess.

 

[Jess_K]

I'm referring myself back to this thread for extra support ... he's back to his old habits and the drinking , etc. I'm going to start brainstorming the past and writing stuff down.. not sure I can live like this, not even for my beautiful children. Each day brings no hope at this point and I"m going to look into a lawyer. I don't have savings or money saved as we live paycheck to paycheck. Reading thru the posts here that you all have contributed will give me some hope and some ideas on how to proceed. Unfortunately his word means nothing. He continues to remind ME that I'm still "nagging" him. That's his players card. So at this point I'm going to start to do everything in my power "right" and making a plan for my future. This just obviously isn't working well and the unhappiness is consuming my entire world.
Thanks for all the support and kind words of input. Oh and on top of it, I know when I wrote this I was going to visit my Grandpa.. he's pretty much on Hospice at this point.

As far as PC, I'm not sure where it will take me. I have issues with leaving my kids with someone who is drinking.. even if for a few hours. I have to make sure I don't rock the boat before I leave my kids (before shows) I'm not sure whether to let it go and try to come back to it, or to push myself into it with everything. It's almost impossible to be excited about it when it's been thrown in my face so many times as I'm a failure with it.

 

[ChefGwendolyn]

Jess- My prayers are with you and your family in this time. Please know that there are people pulling for you and that you are stronger than you realize.

 

[wadesgirl]

Jess,
I was wondering how your situation was since I wasn't on here for a while. I am so sorry to hear this! When it comes down to it, you need to do what you need for you and your kids. You cannot help him if he doesn't want help! We are here for you!

 

[pcchefjane]

Oh Jess! Please check into maybe staying at a shelter or back with your parents. He sounds dangerous... Know you are in my prayers! Just think of you and the kids. I think there is a "waiver" for 3 months for PC where you won't lose your YTD sales, recruits, etc. if there is a good reason. Talk to your Director about it. That would be one less thing on your mind!

 

[chefmeg]

praying hard for you & your kids~you have to do what you feel is right for them...not him! GET OUT NOW! keep us posted via a computer at your local library and lean on this great group of virtual friends for support!

 

[christinaspc]

Jess, I am keeping you and your family in my prays I was hoping to hear good news but I agree with Meg, You need to get out of there before it turns worse then what it is already. I am sorry to hear everything that has been happening and I think you should tell your parents I think they will get over who said what and lean more to the safety of their daughter and grandkids.

 

[Jess_K]

thanks everyone for your concern.... not really any news as far as my husband,.... not sure what I'll do..he drank a ton last night again and was yelling at me for a while... it's getting old.. really old. I assure you that I won't put myself or my kids in danger. That's a promise.

on another note.. Grandpa passed away last night.. turns out there was cancer a few more places than just his colon. He has some sort of heart condition going on as well.

thanks for keeping us in your thoughts...

 

[janetupnorth]

Oh Jess - sorry to hear about Grandpa - at least he is without any pain now.Please, talk to your parents, talk to someone.DH needs to get help now! Even though the kids aren't being "hit" at this point, they can hear and sense the anger. Don't let them have to deal with that.Hang in there girl! I'd love to give you a hug and tell you everything is fine, but I know you have a long road ahead of you. Stay safe and get the help you need and ASK for help - this isn't yours to bear alone!

 

[stefani2]

I don't know how I EVER missed this post originally.... my thoughts are with you.............

 

[tlag1986]

Jess I pray for your physical safety, and for you to continue to remain strong to help your children.

I am sorry to hear about your Grandpa. I agree with Janet he is without pain.

Please talk with someone. Even if you just call a hotline and talk just talk.

 

[pampchefrhondab]

Oh Jess I'm so sorry about your Grandpa.

You really need to get help from someone. Your husband is not going to change!

I'll be praying for you!

 

[armywyf]

My first husband was an alcoholic and was verbally abusive. It took me 3 years to finally say I had had enough we were married for 7 years total. What I learned from that was... YOU are the only one who can say when you have had enough and your DH is the only one who can help his alcoholism... Nothing you say or do can change his addiction, ultimatums only cause more fighting. You cannot help someone who doesnt want help for themselves so you have to make a decision on what is best for you and your children. I am sorry for your situation, I empathize with you as I have been where you are, my DD was 5 at the time of our separation.

 

[wadesgirl]

Jess, we are hear for you!!! Don't forget that!

 

[PampMomof3]

Oh jess! I'm so sorry about your grandpa. Keep yourself and kiddies safe! Go see the movie Fireproof!

 

[Jess_K]

you all are so great.. thanks for the reminders and encouragement .. every little bit of it helps.

 

[gingertannery]

Jess... I don't know you.. but I feel I do. My ex was an alcoholic.. He was verbally abusive like your DH.. This does hurt your children... this teaches them that it is ok to yell at mom. - a behavior they will repeat. .. Get into counseling now.. Al-anon is great because it teaches you about the alcoholic.. how alcohol affects their minds. And especially how you can learn to deal with it. And it is usually free. What if something happens to the kids while you are away?? Now, stop for a minute and pretend I am telling you this story as if it is happening to me.. What would you tell me to do?? How much should I put up with?? Take yourself out of the mix and then look at it. I am so sorry about your grandfather. My ex was really bad when my mom and my dad died.... They also will take away your support systems (hence you are not talking to your parents) again take your self out of the picture and pretend this is happening to your daughter.. would you want her to suffer alone..(like you are doing) or would you take her back with open arms and protect her?? I feel your parents would LOVE to have you back in their lives. That is just how parenting is. What would you want your daughter to do??? Please know we love you here and feel for you. Al anon is your best bet... and so are your parents. Your hubby can't help himself.. he is addicted.. and it is starting to change him. Would he have done this behavior before?? I don't know your situation.. but I'm sure he manipulated the situation to separate you from your parents. Your kids need their grandparents. There are books that talk about abusive relationships.. there is a list of 8 or so things an abuser does. ....it usually starts as criticisms.. and small put downs.. then escalates to removing your support systems (parents bros and sis's) then it starts with the verbal abuse.. every once in a while.. and then more and more. The verbal abuse is the last step before hitting/beatings began. If he is verbally abusing you.. you are one step away from the hitting. And there is nothing you can do for him.. it is all him.. you can only help yourself and your kids. Get help before it is too late!! My ex is still the same.. he just verbally abuses his girlfriend.. not me anymore. They rarely change.. they can't. Good luck.

 

[vwpamperedchef]

My sincere condolences are with you. God Bless.

 

[cincychef]

Jess, I am so sorry to hear about your Grandpa, mine passed away last month too. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you have the grace to decide what you need to do. Just remember you can do anything you set your mind to.

 

[Chef Kearns]

Jess, as far as Pampered Chef is concerned...take a leave of absence. That way you don't have to worry about it for awhile and in 3 months hopefully, you'll be in a better spot.

With your marriage I cannot add any advice (what you've gotten has been good) just thoughts and prayers for you and your entire family. Give your parents another shot. More than likely they are just waiting for you to approach them. I'm sure they'll help you no matter what happened in the past.

 

[Kitchen2u]

My thoughts and prayers are ith you Jess ~ also please accept my condolences. May the wonderful memories of your Grandfather help you get through this difficult and sad time of your life.

 

[Jess_K]

well here's an update.. told him last week on the 24th, he could choose the family or the alcohol.. so far he's now lying to me about drinking.. do I confront him, or do I let guilt do it's thing? he told me last night he had one beer,, there are 7 beers gone and one shot of hard stuff... confront or not? any suggestions on this one?