Prayers for My Kids-Husband Left(Long Post)

[vwpamperedchef]

Personally its NOT his choice. Its YOUR choice. You need to choose the family. My father was an alcoholic and this is all too familiar (he died 5 years ago psorsis of the liver, go figure...)

The lying is all part of it---

Why should he get to choose??

Its obvious he needs help. Only HE can want it!!

 

[Trish in Texas]

You might try to find an al-anon meeting near you. I have started going to one. It is helping me to see things in a new light. The decision really is up to you. But, I know it is a hard one to make. I hope you will find the answers you need.

Trish in Texas
Independent Consultant

 

[Chefstover2]

well here's an update.. told him last week on the 24th, he could choose the family or the alcohol.. so far he's now lying to me about drinking.. do I confront him, or do I let guilt do it's thing? he told me last night he had one beer,, there are 7 beers gone and one shot of hard stuff... confront or not? any suggestions on this one?

Jess, I just found this thread...It seems if you gave him the ultimatum and he continued to drink, he's made his choice. You and your babies should be the priority...he's made it obvious what his priority is. Confront? I think it depends on whether you think he'd get violent or not. If you think he would, make your escape ASAP...he'll get the idea.

My ex was also an alcoholic and manipulated me for almost 3 years before I finally had had enough. He'd been telling me I was trying hard enough, etc., like it was all my fault. I finally had enough and we split. I'm grateful we never had children.

My prayers are with you.

 

[raebates]

Even one beer is drinking. Lying just compounds the issue. You'll be in my prayers.

 

[Smiley3]

I just wanted to add that you are a very smart and loving mother and I am sure you will do what is best for YOU first and your children will benefit...Cry, scream and holler and get your emotions out first and then your mind will lead you and your heart will follow. Best of luck to you and your family and now there are lots of prayers going up for you now..God Bless:angel:

 

[lacychef]

Oh, I was hoping if this thread was bumped, it was good news.
You've got to be strong, and he's got to know that you're serious. If he hasn't quit, you've got to follow through with what you've said. Do you have family near that you can go stay with?
I disagree that he doesn't have a choice. Of course he does. Right now he's not choosing your family though. I gave my husband a choice 5 years ago, & he hasn't had a drink since. It does have to be his choice though; he has to see what he'd be missing.
I'll be thinking of you.

 

[WonderMonkey]

I haven't read any of the responses yet so these are my initial thoughts.....

Your first job is to talk to your son and monitor him to make sure he doesn't start having problems. Don't over talk to him but just pay more attention to him and let him know that Daddy didn't mean what he said. Additionally don't let your kids see you upset. Be extra upbeat and positive around the house. When on the phone discussing all this go to another room where they can't hear or feel your energy. In short try VERY HARD (and it's difficult) to not let the adult problems become the kid's problems. Easy to type, hard to do.

Second, reach out to your parents. Whatever prompted the communication cutoff does not count anymore. Be very open and honest with them about things. If they offer to help, let them. If they live nearby let them keep the kids while you and your husband discuss things. Your husband referenced "Grandparents Rights", which is more or less real depending on where you live. The situation where that vague term comes into play is usually when a Grandparent is denied seeing their grand-child and exercises legal means to get contact. Again this is real in some states, not real in others.

By this afternoon you should be very close to finding a good lawyer. Not that you are going to get a divorce but you HAVE TO KNOW YOUR RIGHTS. That way when you have discussions with your husband he can't throw around what he can and cannot do as you will KNOW what is up. YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF THE SITUATION, NOT HIM. You are now a rock and cannot be broken. You now have all the power and YOU will decide what happens next. ONLY YOU. Don't be bitchy, but be powerful. Do not yell or scream, be calm (as possible). The only way you can be this way is to BE INFORMED through the use of a lawyer.

You should use phrases like "I would be willing to discuss this with you. I'll have so-and-so watch the kids and we can meet at the park to talk about it, do you have a park you prefer?" or "I would like for you to come back to our family but I think we both should go to counseling and together we can get through this, can you discuss that with me?". For the good of your family don't lay blame, but be factual. The facts themselves point to blame but if YOU lay blame, then defenses go up and nothing gets solved. YOU ARE NOW THE SOLVER and you have to stay calm. When both are worked up nothing positive happens. If he wants to get loud, you do NOT RESPOND BY GETTING LOUD. You stay calm. Someone has to and that person is now YOU.

To sum up:
- The world now revolves around your kids, nothing else
- Reach out to your parents
- Find a good lawyer to get advise from

 

[WonderMonkey]

well here's the latest.. he's back and actually asked for help.. that's a first.. I'm still leaving this week with the kids to go back to see my Grandpa, so we'll see if he makes any progress when I'm gone. He actually has stopped drinking and hasn't had any alcohol since Friday night. Thanks so much for all your thoughts, prayers and advice. I think I'll still try to recall events to write down and I'm still very much on guard. time will tell what happens.. I'm still not sold on staying married and still considering leaving him.

As we all know wanting to stop and being able to stop is different. He needs help and support. Of course it starts at home but he should go to meetings. I used to accompany a friend of mine to meetings and they world. It worked even better because I put myself in charge of helping my friend. He was abusive to his family when he drank and he WANTED to stop but COULDN'T. Hard to believe it can be that way, isn't it? I'm still not convinced but I believed in HIS FAMILY enough to be the best friend possible and help him through. I told him that I was not the biggest a**hole that he knew and while I still loved him, it was going to be brutal tough love. There were times where I held his head while he was sick and threw him across a room to get his keys. I went to meetings with him even when he tried to not go. I'd show up and his house and make him go. Over time he improved and he and his family are now stronger then ever. I feel the main reason is that I took took the pressure off his wife and put it on me. Sure she was and is a rock but sometimes a friend can bring about more change then a spouse can.

Does your husband have a friend that will alternate hugging and crying with him then kicking his ass across the yard? He, and your family, could use a friend like that.

 

[pcchefjane]

I am keeping you in my prayers. My ex hit me the night I threw him out. I told him then if he would return to counseling and get back on his meds, he could come home. He chose never to do so. He made that choice...not me! 15 years later, he cried at our daughter's wedding because he missed so much of her life...also his choice! Understand you must protect you and the kids! He made his choice when he drank the 1 (maybe 7) beers! He needs help and you must force the issue. I know that is not easy! Know we are all here for you!

 

[WonderMonkey]

here's an update.. Grandpa is alright and made it thru the surgery.. so that's a good thing.
My husband on the other hand is back to drinking.. he lasted only a few days he had at least 5 beers tonight... (so he tells me) I'm contemplating leaving this week.. but still haven't decided. It sure kills all my enthusiam with PC.. really wanted to have an open house and my fundraiser, but just not sure if I can, well I know i can't especially if I'm not at home.. thanks for all the prayers and my kids and I will need strength in the next few days. I can't risk them being around him when he's drinking again for fear of a possible repeat. he's also started to track where I've been on the computer so I have limited resources as far as that goes. Just wanted to also again say thanks for any and all support.
Jess

Clue #1 : He stopped when he left the first time.
Clue #2 : He started when he came back.

What this points to is that he knows he needs to stop but only when he sees what he will lose, meaning you and the kids. He needs to go away, or YOU need to go away, and let him see what he is missing. Only get back with him if you and he are going to counseling and if HE is going to a separate AA type counseling. Make sure he is taking a strong friend that can help him.

 

[WonderMonkey]

well a lot of you have mentioned my parents.. I haven't mentioned it to them yet.. they are out of town right now with my sister. It's been a rough road with them the past years too and I almost feel like I've burned that bridge. I'm hesitant. I've got a lot of soul searching to do and figure out what will be best for my kids and I. I do believe there is some kind of restraining order I can file, so I will look at all my options. I feel very limited as he is tracking where and when I'm online. Thanks again and again for all the support, it truely means a TON.
Jess

Consider reaching out to them. Would you want your kids to hesitate to reach out to you when they are older? Hopefully they will be supportive and offer help where needed. How far away do they live?

 

[WonderMonkey]

I'm referring myself back to this thread for extra support ... he's back to his old habits and the drinking , etc. I'm going to start brainstorming the past and writing stuff down.. not sure I can live like this, not even for my beautiful children. Each day brings no hope at this point and I"m going to look into a lawyer. I don't have savings or money saved as we live paycheck to paycheck. Reading thru the posts here that you all have contributed will give me some hope and some ideas on how to proceed. Unfortunately his word means nothing. He continues to remind ME that I'm still "nagging" him. That's his players card. So at this point I'm going to start to do everything in my power "right" and making a plan for my future. This just obviously isn't working well and the unhappiness is consuming my entire world.
Thanks for all the support and kind words of input. Oh and on top of it, I know when I wrote this I was going to visit my Grandpa.. he's pretty much on Hospice at this point.

As far as PC, I'm not sure where it will take me. I have issues with leaving my kids with someone who is drinking.. even if for a few hours. I have to make sure I don't rock the boat before I leave my kids (before shows) I'm not sure whether to let it go and try to come back to it, or to push myself into it with everything. It's almost impossible to be excited about it when it's been thrown in my face so many times as I'm a failure with it.

You need to document document document as you mentioned above. Hide that documentation so he can't find it. It will come in handy.

What skills do you have in the workforce? Any special training or schooling? You need to get some earning power like yesterday no matter what it is.

 

[WonderMonkey]

thanks everyone for your concern.... not really any news as far as my husband,.... not sure what I'll do..he drank a ton last night again and was yelling at me for a while... it's getting old.. really old. I assure you that I won't put myself or my kids in danger. That's a promise.

on another note.. Grandpa passed away last night.. turns out there was cancer a few more places than just his colon. He has some sort of heart condition going on as well.

thanks for keeping us in your thoughts...

Don't take this wrong but I'm glad your Grandpa went quickly, relatively speaking. My grandpa went very slowly and it was painful for him as a man to know that he was a burden on his family. Even though WE didn't see it that way, he did, and that's all that counted. When he went I was very happy that his wishes were granted.

 

[WonderMonkey]

well here's an update.. told him last week on the 24th, he could choose the family or the alcohol.. so far he's now lying to me about drinking.. do I confront him, or do I let guilt do it's thing? he told me last night he had one beer,, there are 7 beers gone and one shot of hard stuff... confront or not? any suggestions on this one?

You confront him but be careful how. You know he going to be defensive about it, right? So think of a way to approach to situation where some positive can come out of it. Would it work for your situation if you said "I know that it isn't easy for you but I'd like for you to be honest with me about it so we can make things better. If you feel you want to want to have some beers obviously I can't stop you but I'd like to work towards reducing how much you have at once."

Then talk to him about AA, or better yet, find a friend of his that can talk to him about it.

Does he have any friends that you feel is also a good friend of yours, preferably a male?

 

[Jess_K]

you all are amazing support. I love this site. Thanks so much for taking the time to write a response. As far as my last comment.. well he did drink a few beers.. but then I guess he said he accidently threw them away.. which make sense really because he has SO many containers of beer and empty bottles in the garage. I must say I DO believe him on that. I'm still frustrated and not sure I can even love him again. I'm going to try to talk to him again, did last night, but I was pretty emotional about it and of course we're both sick with cold/flu symptoms (that accounts for a pretty foggy mind) I'm going to get my ducks in a row, I do have a lawyer's name and basically a referral from someone I trust to give me good direction. I owe it to my kids to put my heart out there one more time and try to reconnect with him. That's the worst part, I have disconnected SO much at this point He's not physically abusive so I am not afraid of that at this point, he does have a problem yes. I do have a college BA degree and have over 5 years experience in the banking industry. I also have retail experience. I do believe I can get back into the workforce without too much of a struggle. I also have thought about getting my teaching certificate to teach while the kids are in school. There are options, but my head is still a bit cloudy as to what my heart truely wants. I think I owe it to myself and my family to exhaust every option. I must admit last night I was mean and not wanting to even hear from him. All I hear is that, "it's YOUR FAULT" from him and I'm probably not letting much get thru from his point of view. I know I have to in order to fight to keep this family together. I thank all of you so much for taking time to give me your input and thoughts. I have to get myself on a track where I'm more stable about everything and it all makes sense to leave or go or whatever. Yes I know it has to change, but I have to find it deep in myself to push to that point of trying again.

I'll be in touch, thanks again SOO very much, you all have no idea how much you really do support everyone here.

 

[wadesgirl]

Jess, we are all here for you! You can PM me anytime you need! Or email!

 

[WonderMonkey]

It's good to see you keeping as positive as you can be at this point. Keep moving forward. Update your resume and get out into the workforce. If you don't NEED him, maybe, just MAYBE, that will help him to see that what he hopefully really wants is moving on and maybe, just MAYBE that will help a little bit.And on a posting note.... hopefully I'm not coming across too strong with my "advice". I'm an "attack the problem" kind of person and at times my "advice" comes across a bit harsh. A poster here obviously cares about you enough to have PM'd me and brought it up. I thank her for that and changed my wording a bit here and here. However I do feel that bluntness can be very beneficial, even supportive, at times.I wish you strength to do what is right for your family, yourself, and your childrens' father.