Director Is it okay for grandparents to cut their grandchild's hair without asking?

[Sheila]

Mother-in-law took my daughter & had her hair cut while I was in Toronto! The bangs were long. I'll admit that! I don't have hair cutting scissors in Texas and they hadn't been cut since we left Japan on March 21. I had planned to buy some scissors & get the job done before Toronto, but then (the day before my trip) I spent 6 hours on the phone with the travel agency working on hubby's refund & getting my sister's ticket done & didn't have time to finish all the stuff on my "to do" list. So MIL, in her controlling manner, thought it would be okay to just go have it done without asking. Luckily, it's not HORRIBLE, but I'm amazed that a professional did this cut ... it's not even and she missed a good portion of the bangs!
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/228647_2005322017900_1389121744_3183241_6154068_n.jpgMy car was in the shop & I got it back late last night. Had to go to the laundrymat today (since I don't have a washer & dryer in the house yet) and didn't get to it today. But I will have to "fix" what the professional did. I have to admit, it's not nearly as bad as the only other professional cut she's ever had ... done by a Japanese woman. It had points in front of her ear, then an arch up to the ear that dropped lower in the back & made a straight line across the back! HORRIBLE. Here's the before & after sequence of that 2009 event:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/223297_2005793229680_1389121744_3183645_2882170_n.jpgSo, if you are on FB and willing to make a passive comment, please feel free! I don't want to start a family feud, but MIL really doesn't get the fact that she did something wrong. She thinks it's okay to go cut Kiera's hair without asking either parent first. I was very calm & just explained that it's something that's usually a decision made by the parent, not the grandparent. She got mad & stormed out of my house. She wanted me to thank her for the surprise. I just can't do that! I need her to understand that Kiera is NOT her child and that she can't make these types of decisions on her own.So if you've had any personal experience with someone doing this to another Mom, please feel free to go post a quick synopsis of what they did wrong & how upset the mother was. I want my MIL to understand that I'm not the only person in the world who thinks that a grandmother should not have done what she did. Again, passive comments only please! I'm not trying to start World War III with her ... I just want her to realize that she can't do this again.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Oh my! I got your back

 

[Sheila]

You commented on the 2009 photo. LOL

 

[Sheila]

Okay, I pulled all the long hair back & brushed the rest forward. This was my starting point for trying to fix it:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/222933_2008288852069_1389121744_3187243_4713456_n.jpg

I got interrupted & ran out of time, not really FINISHING the final touches ... but here's where we are tonight:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/226844_2008289052074_1389121744_3187244_4349102_n.jpg

Headed out for dinner (we were running late at this point):
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/226301_2008289332081_1389121744_3187246_1875302_n.jpg

I'm not used to seeing it this short on the sides of the bangs. I leave it longer on the sides. I keep looking at her & thinking with this cut, she would fit in well in a DUMB or DUMBER movie.

By the time we got back home from dinner, it was past their bedtime. So I'll have to do some more minor touch-ups tomorrow! The lawn guy came to the door tonight & I never actually FINISHED the job! LOL

 

[pamperedlinda]

You commented on the 2009 photo. LOL

that was the only one I saw. sorry!

 

[Inomiamenda]

Hey Sheila I will comment on these pictures tonight. I was looking for a new one and didn't find it. Thanks !! Wahoo!

 

[Sheila]

They are all in my May 2011 folder.

 

[Inomiamenda]

Gotcha sister! Are you going to be able to go to conference?

 

[Sheila]

I'm planning to! Hoping no more financial surprises pop up between now & then!!! LOL

 

[baychef]

Your Dumb and Dumber comment made me chuckle..did you use a SS bowl or just a regular ole mixing bowl LOL!! All kidding aside, I think you do a better job than the so called hairdresser!

 

[Sheila]

*****UPDATE*****Well, FIL called to see if they could come over & if we could all have a "chat". He now claims that it was HIS idea for MIL to take Kiera to get her hair cut. Not their story a few days ago, but whatever. They now understand that what they did was not okay. FIL tried to justify that Kiera's bangs were too long for her to see & I mentioned that they could have used clips to keep it out of her eyes. He hadn't thought of that. They think the FB comments were way out of line. I told them the comments were pretty mild for my Mommy friends & that it could have been much worse. LOLThey now claim to understand that I'm 43, accustomed to doing thing without needing anyone else's help and that they can offer, but when I say "thanks anyway" that they need to back off & quit being pushy. I told them moving 1/2 way around the world & starting over without your hubby is hard enough, but having people try to pressure me into doing things their way isn't helpful, it's frustrating.We'll see if any of it sank in ...

 

[Sheila]

Ann, you have to remember I'm camping out in my vacant house in Texas. I don't OWN a mixing bowl here. And the soup bowls my friend loaned me wouldn't fit over her head. I just had to imagine a bowl on her head & go with what looked straight to me! LOL

 

[baychef]

Sheila, you did great! And you also had a great conversation with FIL...one that I am sure was uncomfortable for both of you but how great to start clearing the air.

 

[BethCooks4U]

I understand how you feel and I have been on both sides of this issue. My mother was very good at taking over and deciding things for my children. She never got it. Nothing I said would make her get that I was the one who would decide these things so I just had to be one step ahead of her or grin and bear it... Ugh I won't even go there.

As a gramma I once trimmed my granddaughter's bangs. They were both so busy and had just commented that they didn't even have time to breathe. The girls were often dropped off for the day unkept. I thought I was helping. DIL was upset. Turns out she was trying to let the bangs grow out but I didn't know. I apologized and promised that I would always ask before I helped in the future.

In your in-laws defense, you are very swamped with things to do and multiple stresses going on in your life right now. They thought they saw a place they could help. I agree they chose a poor hairdresser to do the job and they should have asked before doing it but give them a break.

 

[Chef Kearns]

I don't know, to me this is one of those get over it issues. I could understand if she had prom or some kind performance coming up. Then being upset that her hair was cut. The hairdresser jacked up the cut, you fixed it. No big deal. Posting on FB was a little immature and possibly taking it too far. It was a good time for you guys to have a conversation on boundaries and at least that was accomplished.

 

[cookingwithlove]

Sheila,

I know it is hard when things like this happen, but it is just hair. Are your inlaws good people? If yes, then don't go to war over the small things. They did not intentionally go out to ruin your daughter's hair. Understanding the stress of your life right now, I actually think they thought they were doing something nice for you and helping you. Instead of launching a FB campaign to make her feel bad, a more dignified response might have been to say, "thank you for getting her haircut, but I would appreciate it if you would ask me first." And then let it rest. I would give my left eye for Grandparents close to me. It is okay for Grandparents to do little things as long as it is not harmful to your children. I am not intending to lecture, but sometimes as moms we take ourselves a little too seriously. And when we are strong willed and used to doing things on our own it is hard to let anyone else help. I know because I do it too. But keep the peace. Your children will value the relationship they have with their grandparents.

 

[Sheila]

With most personalities, this would have just been a simple talk & everything resolved. But not with this woman. She's a very controlling personality who only hears what she wants to hear. It would take me WEEKS to write out every example, but here's a few:

Hubby & I dated in High School, but didn't marry until '04. We've known one another for years & I've known her the whole time. When hubby & I were engaged, she used to send me to the car so that she could yell at him.

Hubby & I were living together Christmas of '02 (? - trying to remember now LOL). We decided to invite both sides of the family to my house for Christmas. She refused. They had always done Christmas at her house & she wanted it to be that way again ... just the 4 of them ... MIL, FIL, Hubby and BIL. I told hubby if he went, not to come back to my house, he could stay! He did explain to his mother why that was not okay & she finally caved and came to our house. But she was NOT happy about it because it was not their tradition. She didn't care that one of her adult Sons was getting married & wanting to start his own family traditions. It was all about her.

BIL was preparing a rental house. MIL was adamant that he needed a microwave in the house. He explained to her that most people own one, and he wasn't going to put one in the rental house. 45 min's later, he was STILL telling her no. She got mad, stormed off in the store & came back a few min's later telling him that she went & looked at them anyway & found some great deals. She still wasn't taking NO for an answer. After he yelled at her in the store, she stopped pestering him.

Hubby & I didn't get to get married when & how we wanted, because it wasn't the RIGHT way in her mind (me converting to Catholicism, denouncing my 1st marriage and having a full mass ceremony). After they threw a temper tantrum, we canceled our wedding date. We later ended up eloping in secret. No one from either side got to attend.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, she told us NUMEROUS times that she didn't like the name Kiera & thought we should name her Kaitlyn. After about the 12th time, I told hubby he could handle it or I would. He finally spoke with his Dad who squashed that one. Fast forward to the next pregnancy ... when we announced the name Connor she didn't like it either & interjected with the name she thought we should use. I squashed that one immediately by telling her "only the people present for the conception get a vote." FIL thought it was funny. She didn't. But she did drop the subject & didn't bring it up again.

She came out to Okinawa for 3 weeks (after she asked & I told her 2 weeks max) after my son was born. She took over in the house, wanting to do everything. Since I had just had a c-section, I bit my tongue & let her do what she wanted that visit. I slept a lot & tried to just not pay attention to her controlling attitude. We went out doing some sight seeing towards the end of her visit & she was walking on the grass! This is a HUGE no-no in Japan and we were at a Shrine of all places. I told her that it's considered rude to walk on the grass. Her response was "I know" (her standard response) and she kept doing it.

She came back out to Okinawa May 2010 (off her anti-depressants) and was on a freaking emotional roller coaster. Still doing her "I know" or her "I know BUT" answers and doing her own thing. Didn't care that she was waking the little ones (1 year old & 2 years old at the time), didn't care when/if they got a nap or understand that at their young age they NEEDED a nap. She wanted all 3 of us to alter our lives to be at her beck & call the whole 3 weeks, then would get mad when the kids would go into a hunger/exhausted meltdown & cry. After the 3rd time that she went into a screaming fit yelling at me in front of my children (hubby & I don't do that - I'm certainly NOT going to let her do that), I told her that she had worn out her welcome and that she would not be invited back to Japan for another extended stay. She now pretends that never happened. Oh, and on the last day after I had already told her NUMEROUS times not to take off her seat belt, she took it off while I was driving on base so that she could take a photo of the kids. I told her (for about the 20th time) that she was going to get me into trouble. She said in a snotty tone "I know, I'll put it back on when I'm done!!!" and continued to do what she was doing. I pulled over. She got mad and made a HUGE scene about turning back around & putting it on, making huge sighs that I was being so uncooperative with her. I about lost it & rudely informed her that we don't get tickets like stateside offenses, we get points deducted. And unrestrained passengers were enough points that I would get my license suspended for 3 weeks (it had just happened to my friends so I knew the punishment). I was working on the pack-out to move to Tokyo -with 2 kids & hubby still stateside and told her that I couldn't afford to loose my driving privileges in the last 2 weeks when I'm trying to run around with both kids in tow doing all the final checkout stuff and getting my van down to the docks to have it shipped on the ferry up to mainland. She then got passive & said "Well I didn't know you'd get in THAT much trouble!" What does it freaking matter HOW MUCH trouble I get into? Isn't knowing that it's against the rules enough??? Today when I brought up all the problems in Oki last year to her, she said she thought that was all water under the bridge. Nope. I meant it & I'm sticking to it.

She's pushed FIL around and stressed him out to the point that he had a heart attack a few years back. He stands up to her more now & tells her no where he used to just cave & do what she wanted, but he still gives in more than I'm willing to do.

On this hair cutting incident she was all cheery & telling me how she thought it would be fun to have a "SPA" day with Kiera. I sat there silently. She said "that's okay, right?" and I very politely & calmly told her that it's something that's normally a parental decision, not something that the grandparents do. She got mad & immediately stormed out of my house. Retuning the next day like nothing had happened.

(it says my post is too long & I have to break it down! LOL)

 

[Sheila]

(here's the rest)Our children were "made in Japan" and have lived there their whole lives. We document EVERYTHING on FB so that the family can feel like they are involved. Every scratch & bruise pretty much gets photographed & put on FB. So posting the photos of the haircut are also in normal standards with what I do each month. I did ask this forum & my mommy board friends to go easy & not start WWIII. I know my Mommy board friends & knew that they would make some pretty to the point comments about how out of line MIL was for doing this. So I made sure to ask everyone to make passive comments. Just enough to let her know that I'm not the only one in the world who thinks what she did was inappropriate. And, like I told them today, I could have posted "You guys are not going to freaking believe what my MIL did ...!!!" with the photos. I didn't do that. FIL is now claiming it was all his idea, but that wasn't their story the other day so I'm feeling like he's trying to cover for her once again.In the 6 weeks that I've been living here

• She's pestered me about wanting to do my laundry (I was staying with a friend who had a washer & dryer and was perfectly capable of doing it myself - but MIL would NOT let up girls. I'm talking dozens of times that I had to tell her no thank you.)
• She's pestered me about buying a (standard) car from a "friend of a friend" after I told her I haven't driven a standard in years & was looking for an automatic. I had to tell her no on that one at least 8 times & finally asked her to quit stressing me out.
• She's mad that I used the same lawn guy that I used previously (before moving 7 years ago) instead of her guy.
• It's driving her crazy that my daughter's bed is not on a frame. I've told her over & over that Kiera was still in a toddler bed in Japan and not used to the height and that I didn't want it higher. I've said it multiple times, but she still brought over a bed frame (which is sitting in the closet).
• She complains every single time that she comes over that the futon my friend loaned me is not comfortable. I keep reminding her that my couch is in Japan, this is a loaner & I can't complain because I'm not sitting on the floor. She still won't let up.
• I went to a resale shop first thing upon arriving & bought several outfits for the kids (we were still in winter stuff and TX was definitely summer weather already). All I had was winter stuff, last year's summer clothes were too small. She complained that I bought the kids "USED" stuff and wanted to take them shopping for NEW stuff. (FIL is the only one working in their house & they are barely scraping by - FIL can't afford for MIL to go out & buy new clothes for the kids but won't put her on a leash with the checkbook.) She was basically saying that what I did wasn't good enough. So she went shopping & bought them stuff. Oh, she keeps all the new clothes at her house for them to wear when they are visiting her.

My friends refuse to go to restaurants with her. Nothing is ever good enough. The food is too hot, too cold, not enough or too much. It's too cold in the restaurant, too hot or the music is too loud. There's too much ice in her drink or not enough. Luckily most of the restaurants in this area are now non-smoking ... that was a huge deal in the past that she could still smell the smoke. The staff is never fast enough or she complains that they are walking behind her chair & might bump it ... It's very common for her to ask for the manager & complain. A group of us went out in '06 and everyone but her thought the waitress did a fantastic job. She was so unhappy that she complained to the Manager & had the poor waitress in tears. I had to go track down the Manager in private & let him know that MIL is just a complainer & that all the other people in the group were very happy with the waitress & her service. The waitress cried again & thanked me for fixing things with her boss. MIL is just NOT a happy person!!!There's more ... so much more! But I think I've made my point. I promise you girls ... this was not overboard on how to handle the situation with this woman. This was making her understand that what she did was wrong. A lesson that she needs to remember & not repeat. A polite talk goes no where with her.

 

[BethCooks4U]

Sorry but I still think you went too far. She sounds exactly like my mother. Sometimes you just have to give her a win to make the peace. You are both strong willed which I think is the problem (it was ours but I learned to deal with some things and be strong with others). What's wrong with her making decisions on occasion. Can't grandma EVER be grandma?I lost on the Christmas thing but I did make my own traditions and when we moved too far to do both she did compromise. She's gone now and I am glad that I allowed her to have that relationship with my kids. They have wonderful memories now (and eye rolling funny ones too).Grandma wants time to spoil and do things with the kids. You are usually 1000's of miles away. Give her a break.

 

[Sheila]

LOL Thanks for your input Beth, but as usual we'll have to agree to disagree.

I'm glad I'm not related to you. There are very few people in this world that I have issues with with and as many things as you & I disagree on here on the forum I have a feeling we'd be going head-to-head on family issues too if we were related.

The rest of the family bites their tongue and stressed out over letting her take control ... then they all complain about her behind her back. She's made enemies with both of her sister-in-laws to the point that neither will come visit their brother because they would have to deal with HER. No one in this family has issues, unless she's in the mix. You could put me, hubby, BIL, FIL, both aunts, cousins, etc. in a cabin for a weekend & none of us would fight. You put her in there for an hour & I guarantee you someone (or all of us) would be dealing with high blood pressure. Every single issue in this family has her involved. She is definitely the problem in this scenario.

I am under enough stress with uprooting our lives, moving 1/2 way around the world from my husand, dealing with house repairs to get our own place, buying a car, car repairs because the guy lied to me about the status of the car, dealing with toddlers who have always been polite & easy to discipline but now come home spoiled and bratty after a visit at her house AND trying to get my Pampered Chef business up & off the ground YET AGAIN. I have enough stress in my life right now. I will not, under any circumstances, add the anger of letting her run over me into that mix. I'll be here for months and it's important that I set boundries now rather than trying to change the routine later.

I'm 43, too old and too independent to let someone step into my life & try to treat me like I'm 14. And anyone who meets her would agree that she's THAT controlling.

A grandparent's job is to enjoy the children and then send them home. It's not their job or responsibility to raise the children. They've had their turn doing that, now it's time for them to reap the rewards of being the grandparent. No grandparent should EVER try to take control over a parent. If they are the legal guardian, that would be an exception to the rule. But when there are responsible parents in the picture, the grandparent needs to step back & be the grandparent. Not try to be the parent too.

Heck, my hubby goes on military things for weeks & months & his first few days back he doesn't jump in do things the old way - he looks to me for guidance on the new schedule. Even he knows that children change and the routines change. He's more flexible than his mother.

 

[cookingwithlove]

My mother in law is very similar. Thankfully I am the 4th daughter in law and my SILs came before me so I knew what I was getting into. Unfortunately, when we marry we marry the whole family not just the guy :yuck:. She has since mellowed or we have come to an understanding. She is a good person and raised a wonderful son whom I adore :love0010:. MILs and DILs have a very difficult relationship. She is not my mother and I cannot treat her like my mother. My mom and I have 43 years together and we know each other. I can call bullshit on her and she on me without long lasting effects. I cannot do this with my MIL and it is not in my husband's temperament to do it either. It is hard for my MIL because she doesn't get to see our children very often and she wants them desperately to love her, which they do. She undermines my authority by giving them things when I say no. They stay with us or we stay with them when we see them, so we are on top of each other the whole time. It is not an easy situation for anybody.

There are 2 things you need to decide. Is she a good person or is she toxic to your family. If she is toxic and destructive to your family, then you need to break ties. If you truly feel she is determined to ruin your marriage and family, then never see her again. However, if she is a good person and you want to keep her in your life and your children's lives, then unfortunately it is our jobs as the DILs to make it happen and to work with what we are given. No matter how annoying. You have to find some good in this person who is the mother of your wonderful husband. This saves the peace in the family, with your MIL and with your Husband. The last thing my husband wants to hear is me complaining about his mother all the time. I think you are on a good start to setting up boundaries, but give them a bone or 2. Let them do some things for you and the children. With the perspective of distance that I have and not knowing either of you, it did not sound like she is trying to raise your children, but I am not living it. It sounds like she needs to feel important. Take a deep breath and try to see things from her side. Once you are a parent, you are always a parent. Their son is thousands of miles away. I am sure they worry constantly about him. I know I would. Here you are close by with their grandchildren (their son's children) and they know how much you have on your plate. They want to help you. If they did not they would really be evil. Maybe delegate some jobs to them. Like watching the kids once a week. Doing your laundry (I hate laundry, when my mom comes to visit, this is her job!). Maybe they bring you dinner once a week or you go there. I found with my MIL if I am very direct with what I want her to do, our lives are easier. She is happy because she feels needed and I am happy because she is out of my hair. Respect is important, even if you feel like you do not receive any from her. Give her credit for raising her children. With the years that she has been through she has gained some knowledge. It doesn't mean she is always right, but it doesn't mean that she is always wrong.

It sounds like there are some old wounds, not converting to catholic, your past marriage, an elopement. Her reactions to these were very hurtful. Especially if she made you feel unwelcome. She sounds very conservative in her views and living together before marriage may have been a sin in her eyes. (I am not condoning this idea, just mentioning) Maybe these are the issues that really need to be discussed and not a haircut. Again, I am probably overstepping here and meddling in YOUR business, but it is hard to see someone that I respect going through all of this turmoil.

Lastly, this is a learning experience of how not to be when you are a mother in law. Try to remember your feelings as the DIL when your son is married with his own children .

I wish you all the best. You will survive this and any other obstacle that comes your way!

 

[Sheila]

Unfortunately, she's the type of personality that if I give her an inch, she'll try to push it to a mile.

She & I have very differnt ideas on parenting. My theory is that it's my job to raise happy responsible adults who are self sufficient when they leave the nest. If they seriously can't function without Mommy & Daddy jumping in on a regular basis, I'll look at myself as having failed as a parent. My kids have 2 jobs as children: 1) Get an education 2) Have fun doing it!

MIL NEEDS (and I'm being serious here - its a psychological NEED) for her adult sons to still depend her on a daily & weekly basis. She can't stand the fact that they are adults and not little boys anymore. She didin't want either of them to get married. She would prefer for them to both live at home with her until she dies. She doesn't look at their accomplishments in life with joy, she looks for ways she would have done it "better". It's really a sad situation.

If a mommy has issues (too young, on drugs, etc.) that justifies a family member or governing agency to step in, that's one thing. But I'm not a screw up! LOL I constantly get positive comments from my mommy friends on how patient I am, how well behaved my children are, etc. They come to me and ask for help on how to resolve issues THEY are having. Listening to my hubby & BIL talk about how overbearing their Mom was as a child and knowing how much anxiety they have when they HAVE to go see their Mom drills in the fact that I do not want or need parenting advice from her. Each person should physically and psychologically WANT to go see family. It shouldn't be a task or a chore like it is for the hubby & BIL to go see their Mom.

And I totally get the "toxicity" issue. If it were not for FIL and the children, I'd have washed my hands of her many years ago. Acutally BIL has kind of done that already. He refuses to come up for family events. Last year when hubby & I were both in Dallas with the kids, BIL came up for a whole day. It shocked us ... it was his first time in his parent's home in a few years. My Dad is deceased. My Mother has (what we think is) Alzheimers, so I can't leave the children unattended with her. I have one Grandmother still living and hubby has one Grandfather. I used to LOVE spending time with my grandparents & I don't want to deprive the munchkins of that memorable experience. So, like the other adult family members, I'm stuck with sticking to boundries & not letting her take over in my home. But I will not allow her to loose her temper & yell at or in front of my children. That's one of the ones I won't budge on. FIL told us last year that MIL got mad at her Father, scaring the crap out of my daughter who was 2.5 years old at the time. FIL sent MIL to her room, ALONE, where she continued to rant loud enough for FIL and my daughter to still hear them. FIL said my daugher was trying to disappear in the cubby hole she had made between his left side, his left arm & the back of the couch.

I had a friend once who's MIL would come over while they were at work & re-arrange their kitchen, change the placement of pictures on their walls etc. I could sooooo see my MIL trying to do something like this if hubby & I had married right out of High School! I explained to my friend that she was old enough to drink, smoke, vote, get married & have sex ... that she was also old enough to take the house key away from her MIL and set boundries. She was too shy & passive to do that, even though it drove her crazy! She would actually cry she was so stressed out but woudn't say anything. I lost touch with her over the years but I often wonder if they are sitll married or if the meddling MIL caused enough discontent in the harmony of their home that they gave up and went their separate ways.

MIL is very sad about her childhood & feels that she was cheated out of a happy childhood. Many of my friends have suggested that I write a book about all the things I've had to deal with in my life & sometimes I think I should! Anyway, I refreshed her memory on all the things that I've had happen to me over the years and that at some point in everyone's life they have to decide if they are going to continue to be the victim of the things that were not fair ... or if they are going to be the survivor. It went in one ear & out the other. She prefers to be the victim. She gets more attention that way. If she were seriously trying to be toxic, I'd be done. But I know, deep down that she's just a psychological mess and need counseling to find happiness in her world again. She's been a few times, but when they get to the point in therapy where they start explaining to her that it's time for her to decide to be happy, she shuts down & quits. She just can't seem to believe that she has the right to put her past behind her & start new from today.

 

[Sheila]

Oh, and Wendy ... my sister & my best friend have the best freaking MIL's EVER!!! I so want to be one of them when I grow up! LOL

 

[pamperedlinda]

I've had 2 MILs. The first one hated me with a vengeance. I later found out that she hated any female who had her only son's attention. (Picture the lady in the cartoons "Maxine"...that's exactly what she looked like.) Anyhow, my first husb was 13 years older than me and he was a corporate pilot, he flew for a VERY wealthy woman (deceased now, but she was one of the worlds wealthiest women when she was alive). My MIL told my dad at my wedding that she hoped I knew 'my place' in this mariage....um yeah...We didn't see her often, but when we did it was horrible. She would be sneaky and do things or 'forget' to tell me important things and once locked me out of my house for hours. I went for my morning walk/run and she knew I didn't have keys she said she wasn't going anywhere then she went off and I couldn't get in - thankfully my mom lived in the neighborhood. I was livid (not to mention hot and sweaty), but I came off as the one who was wrong. It was my fault for not taking my key...

My second MIL (she died 2 yrs ago). We hit it off wonderfully, but once my son was born a lot changed. I never knew things were all that bad until she wrote us a letter after a visit itemizing EVERYTHING that in her mind I did wrong (I still have the letter). It really pissed her off that I did not respond to her letter. I told my husband that it was his mom, he could deal with it...I don't think he ever did. Anyhow, that letter drove a wedge between us. They would come to visit us @ twice a year and after every visit we'd get another letter. Now that she is gone, our relationship with my FIL is actually plesant (I know that sounds bad, but the tension is gone and we can have a nice time together).

 

[pamperedlinda]

Sorry Sheila, I got so wrapped up in my story that I forgot to finish...
I do feel for you. It sounds like you have tried. It's tough and sometimes it's just a no-win situation. Some people won't change and can't or refuse see that what they are doing is bothersome or wrong. It's even harder when you are in your situation, far away from your home, without your husband, kids without their daddy, you are living in conditions that aren't your normal standard, you don't have all your 'stuff' around you and the kids don't either. You have to take care of your family as best you know how. If it hurts their feelings, then that's just too bad. You cannot make everyone happy. I know, as women and "southernerns" we really want peace and harmony. You will drive yourself insane because it sounds like a situation that will never happen. Just take care of your babies, keep a stern hand with your MIL (sounds like FIL is trying to assist?) agree to disagree and live your life.

You can always vent to us!
Hugs and Good luck!

 

[Sheila]

Linda, she's definitely jealous of women in her sons lives. One of my FB friends who hasn't been told about all of this just out of the blue posted on her wall Sometimes I would rather wear pork chop panties in a lion's den than deal with some people! I laughed so loud I actually had to check the monitor to see if I woke my toddlers! I can so relate to that statement right now!Sorry you had such a horrible experience with your MILs. When I was dispatching for the Police Department they gave us all personality tests so that they could better match us with trainees. The company rep who was doing the test told me that I was in the wrong career field. I fell on the line between a feeler & a thinker which apparently put me in a position where the tester felt that I should have been a judge. She said that I could objectively look at any situation and see both sides. I do look at situations objectively, there are just times like now that I can't begin to fathom why anyone would want to cause so much animosity in their relationships. People like her who try so hard to control everything in their lives will eventually find themselves sad & alone. MIL still doesn't really see how many friends she's lost through the years or that her pushy attitude is why. She's just always the victim & everyone is always being mean to her. I hope that some day she comes to the reality that she can choose happiness and can choose to just go with the flow vs trying to always be the one in control.Hubby warned me many years ago that MIL plays out her day in her mind. She lays it all out, expecting to do _____, then go to ______, then do _____, etc. But she fails to relay that thought process to anyone else in the group. THEN, when it doesn't play out exactly as she had visioned, her whole day is ruined. She went back to school a few years ago & finished her degree. Her graduation day, BIL's car broke down & he was late. She demanded that my hubby wear his military dress white uniform, then got mad when she found out that the dress whites was a different uniform than she was picturing. The whole day was shot. She spent the whole day being short with everyone, pouting and mad. (When I said I could go on for days with all the stories of things she's done ... I wasn't kidding!!! LOL)

 

[baychef]

I just think of Marie Barone from "Everybody Loves Raymond" when I read these. My only MIL has passed away several years before I dated.

 

[Sheila]

Ann, what's funny is that my hubby refuses to watch that show because she reminds him so much of his mother that the show makes him mad! Girl, you hit the nail on the head with that one!!!

 

[baychef]

HA...that is funny. My mother is a great MIL...and despite being prejudice, she really is fantastic about keeping her opinions to herself...both her and my Dad are. I have never seen son or daughter-in-law have any issues with them. Just hope I can model them if my son ever decides to settle down.

 

[Sheila]

You can if you CHOOSE to Ann! But it really is just that, CHOOSING to be supportive or choosing to try and be controlling. My sister's MIL is one of the sweetest people I've ever met. She has 4 children and a whole bunch of grandchildren & great-grandchildren now. All of them go visit her because they WANT to go visit her, not because it's their duty to do so. The first time I walked into her house (when sister was still engaged back in '84), she was so warm & welcoming and has always been that way to my sister, to myself & everyone else in her life. She's now on FB and it's so much fun being able to keep up with her! I dated her youngest son for a while way back then, but the long distance thing from Alabama to Texas just didn't work well. Still friends with him and with his Mom! They are great!!!

 

[Chef Kearns]

It can be difficult dealing with someone who always knows everything about everything. Now that he's your life partner one of you has to choose to take the high road. At least she doesn't live with you.

 

[Sheila]

Life was much better when she was 1/2 way around the world & not in the same town.

 

[PCJenni]

have you seen the movie Tangled? MY MIL was the model for the mother in that movie... and so now we don't even talk to her anymore! Bye Bye!

 

[Sheila]

No, haven't seen the movie yet. But I bet I'll be thinking about YOU when I finally do see it! LOL