-
Join Chef Success Today! Get support for your Pampered Chef business today! Increase your sales right now! Download 1000s of files and images, view thousands of Pampered Chef support threads! Totally Free!
Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!
- Thread starter The_Kitchen_Guy
- Start date
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her stepmom to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm
wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her stepmom to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm
wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again.. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again.. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!
AJPratt
Silver Member
- 6,681
momof2_pc4u
- 42
hi there. this is the only scotmans song i know of. probably not one that your grandma used to sing you, unless you had a pretty cool grandma...
A Scotsman clad in kilts, left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked he'd drunk more than his share
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet
then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Oh, Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddle oh day
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Well later on two young and lovely girls just happened by
And one says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye
"Oh see yon sleepy Scotsman, so strong and handsome built?"
" I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt."
Oh,Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddle- oh day
", I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt."
So they creeped up to the sleeping Scotsman, quiet as could be
And they lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see
And there behold, for them to view, beneath his Scottish skirt,
Twas nothing but what God had blessed him with upon his birth.
Oh Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddle-oh day
Twas nothing but what God had blessed him with upon his birth.
Well they marveled for a moment, then one said, "We best be gone."
"But let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
So as a gift, they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt lifted showed.
Oh Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-oh day
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt lifted show.
When the Scotsman woke to nature's call, he stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush, he lifts his kilt, and he gawks at what he sees,
And in a startled voice, he says to what's before his eyes,
"My friend, I don't know where you've been, but I see you won first prize!
Oh Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-oh day
"My friend, I don't know where you've been, but I see you won first prize!"
A Scotsman clad in kilts, left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked he'd drunk more than his share
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet
then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Oh, Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddle oh day
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Well later on two young and lovely girls just happened by
And one says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye
"Oh see yon sleepy Scotsman, so strong and handsome built?"
" I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt."
Oh,Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddle- oh day
", I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt."
So they creeped up to the sleeping Scotsman, quiet as could be
And they lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see
And there behold, for them to view, beneath his Scottish skirt,
Twas nothing but what God had blessed him with upon his birth.
Oh Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddle-oh day
Twas nothing but what God had blessed him with upon his birth.
Well they marveled for a moment, then one said, "We best be gone."
"But let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
So as a gift, they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt lifted showed.
Oh Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-oh day
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt lifted show.
When the Scotsman woke to nature's call, he stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush, he lifts his kilt, and he gawks at what he sees,
And in a startled voice, he says to what's before his eyes,
"My friend, I don't know where you've been, but I see you won first prize!
Oh Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-oh day
"My friend, I don't know where you've been, but I see you won first prize!"
AJPratt
Silver Member
- 6,681
Paige Dixon
- 1,017
There's a blonde in the middle of the road doing jumping jacks. She's jumping and saying, "Eight, eight, eight, eight...."
A brunette comes along and says, "What are you doing?"
The blonde answers, "Jumping jacks"
The brunette joins in and both are in the middle of the road, jumping and saying, "eight, eight, eight, eight..."
A car comes along and hits the brunette.
The blonde, jumping, says, "nine, nine, nine, nine"
A brunette comes along and says, "What are you doing?"
The blonde answers, "Jumping jacks"
The brunette joins in and both are in the middle of the road, jumping and saying, "eight, eight, eight, eight..."
A car comes along and hits the brunette.
The blonde, jumping, says, "nine, nine, nine, nine"
Kelley Sells
- 345
The Old man and the CorvetteA 70 year old man in Florida finally bought the car of his dreams,
A RED Corvette Convertible.
He had the top down and driving down the highway thinking
"This car rides like a dream."
All of a sudden the young man in him came out and he put that "pedal to the metal..."
As he screamed down the highway doing 100 MPH and smiling from ear to ear, he noticed the Blue Lights of a State Trooper behind him. "I can out run him" he thought, but the wisdom kicked in and he pulled over.
As the Trooper approached the car, he looked at the older gentleman and said "Sir, I have 30 minutes before my shift ends, You have one shot, give me a reason that I've never heard before as to why your speeding."
The older gentleman thought and replied "My wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you where bringing her back."
The Trooper smiled at the older gentleman and said "have a good day Sir."
A RED Corvette Convertible.
He had the top down and driving down the highway thinking
"This car rides like a dream."
All of a sudden the young man in him came out and he put that "pedal to the metal..."
As he screamed down the highway doing 100 MPH and smiling from ear to ear, he noticed the Blue Lights of a State Trooper behind him. "I can out run him" he thought, but the wisdom kicked in and he pulled over.
As the Trooper approached the car, he looked at the older gentleman and said "Sir, I have 30 minutes before my shift ends, You have one shot, give me a reason that I've never heard before as to why your speeding."
The older gentleman thought and replied "My wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you where bringing her back."
The Trooper smiled at the older gentleman and said "have a good day Sir."
chefann
Gold Member
- 22,111
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!
chefann
Gold Member
- 22,111
Warning: adult content follows.
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
V. Gina
End of adult content.
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labor.
- I work at great depths.
- I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
- I work in a damp environment.
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
- I work in high temperatures.
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 hours straight.
- You fall asleep after brief work periods.
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
- You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
- You will retire well before you are 65.
- You are unable to work double shifts.
- You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
- And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
V. Gina
End of adult content.
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
-Womanhood
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand
everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. ButI've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him!
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
Celebrate Womanhood!
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand
everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. ButI've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him!
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
Celebrate Womanhood!
raebates
Staff member
- 18,357
chef_leeanne said:
Funny, I always thought Victoria's secret was that she liked to dress slutty. http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/ashamed0001.gif
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my Goodness..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my Goodness..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
Mammograms
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no
need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding
the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared
for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and
around your home.
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as
hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor
is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
AND, just a thought for all the women out there........
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause............
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And
When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no
need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding
the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared
for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and
around your home.
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as
hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor
is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
AND, just a thought for all the women out there........
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause............
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And
When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen
a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
On my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.
(I love this one!!)
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through
mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and
he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen
a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
On my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.
(I love this one!!)
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through
mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and
he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I
hadn't paid for them yet.
Helllooooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking
sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a
year!"
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I
hadn't paid for them yet.
Helllooooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking
sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a
year!"
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
chefann
Gold Member
- 22,111
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
Subject: 25 years of marriage review
When I had been married for 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But I got to
sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, a big king-sized bed, and a plasma
screen TV. But I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that
you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year-old blonde, and she would make absolutely sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems
in a hurry.
When I had been married for 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But I got to
sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, a big king-sized bed, and a plasma
screen TV. But I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that
you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year-old blonde, and she would make absolutely sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems
in a hurry.
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher..."
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher..."
raebates
Staff member
- 18,357
Warning: This will only be funny to fellow grammar-geeks.
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, find an explanation.
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. East, shoots, and leaves."
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, find an explanation.
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. East, shoots, and leaves."
S
sarahmarie
Things You'd Love To Say (But Don't Dare)
- Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a darn.
- Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
- I can see your point, but I still think you're full of cow poop.
- Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a darn.
- Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
- I can see your point, but I still think you're full of cow poop.
Last edited by a moderator:
S
sarahmarie
The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
S
sarahmarie
Preacher's Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no..."
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no..."
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
S
sarahmarie
Double-Decker Bus
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss.
A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.
"What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing."
The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss.
A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.
"What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing."
The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
S
sarahmarie
A Chinatown Quandary
A guy is walking through Chinatown in New York. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says, "Hans Olafsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?"
The old man says, "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks, "Who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you get a name like Hans Olafsen?"
The old man replies: "Many years ago, when come to this country, I standing in line at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede. Lady look at him and say 'What your name?' and he say 'Hans Olafsen.' Next, she look at me -- 'What your name?' I say 'Saim Ting.'"
A guy is walking through Chinatown in New York. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says, "Hans Olafsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?"
The old man says, "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks, "Who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you get a name like Hans Olafsen?"
The old man replies: "Many years ago, when come to this country, I standing in line at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede. Lady look at him and say 'What your name?' and he say 'Hans Olafsen.' Next, she look at me -- 'What your name?' I say 'Saim Ting.'"
S
sarahmarie
Sorry about this one!
Balls With Pretty Ribbons
A man has a dog that snores in his sleep Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbonand tiesit around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but by God, we got first and second place!"
Balls With Pretty Ribbons
A man has a dog that snores in his sleep Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbonand tiesit around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but by God, we got first and second place!"
S
sarahmarie
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - - ("com-for-da-bul" )
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - - ("com-for-da-bul" )
S
sarahmarie
SOUTHERN SPEAK
Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"Ahm fixin ta do that"
Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open
a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt
in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be
"slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is
"like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say,
"that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's
"like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire
and his butt was catchin."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat,
when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed,
it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like:
"She's dumber than a door knob,
bless her heart."
Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"Ahm fixin ta do that"
Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open
a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt
in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be
"slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is
"like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say,
"that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's
"like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire
and his butt was catchin."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat,
when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed,
it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like:
"She's dumber than a door knob,
bless her heart."
S
sarahmarie
S
sarahmarie
Write It Down
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down,
I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down,
I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
S
sarahmarie
Don't Wake your Neighbors!
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
S
sarahmarie
How Children View Retirement
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
"They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
"At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
"My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night - Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
"My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
"They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
"At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
"My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night - Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
"My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
S
sarahmarie
My Brothers' Beer!
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
S
sarahmarie
She's Gonna Kill Me!
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"
S
sarahmarie
This is bad!
2 men, Bob and Mike, are playing golf one day, and Bob is becoming very irritated with the 2 women who are playing slowly on the hole ahead of them.
After a few holes Bob says "Don't they know they should let us play thru?" then "I am going to tell them to let us play thru" so off he goes.
He is almost to them when he turns around and comes running back clearly upset. He says between pants "Mike, this is horrible. YOU have to ask them to let us play thru. One of those women is my wife, and the other is my MISTRESS".
So Mike takes off towards the women and when he gets close to them he too turns around and runs back. Mike looks a little sheepishly at Bob and says "Small world"
2 men, Bob and Mike, are playing golf one day, and Bob is becoming very irritated with the 2 women who are playing slowly on the hole ahead of them.
After a few holes Bob says "Don't they know they should let us play thru?" then "I am going to tell them to let us play thru" so off he goes.
He is almost to them when he turns around and comes running back clearly upset. He says between pants "Mike, this is horrible. YOU have to ask them to let us play thru. One of those women is my wife, and the other is my MISTRESS".
So Mike takes off towards the women and when he gets close to them he too turns around and runs back. Mike looks a little sheepishly at Bob and says "Small world"
S
sarahmarie
A Father Of Hundreds!
An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
The older gent thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the Father for many."
The older fellow quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count... But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time.
As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Well, sonny, perhaps, it's your pants you should wear backwards."
An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
The older gent thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the Father for many."
The older fellow quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count... But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time.
As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Well, sonny, perhaps, it's your pants you should wear backwards."
S
sarahmarie
Just A Little Snake...
ALWAYS THOUGHT GREEN SNAKES WERE OK? READ ON...
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. She shot him.
ALWAYS THOUGHT GREEN SNAKES WERE OK? READ ON...
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. She shot him.
chefann
Gold Member
- 22,111
Three people are out on the golf course one day, Moses, Jesus and some average Joe. Moses steps up to the tee, aims, and hits the ball. It travels fairly straight, but curves to the side and lands *ploop* right in the water hazard. Moses walks over to the side of the hazard, stretches his arms out in front of himself, palms together, and then separates his arms. The water parts, revealing the ball on the bottom. Moses walks over to the ball and taps it up onto the fairway. He hits it to the green, then putts it in for 3.
Jesus approaches the tee next. He gets himself settled, aims, and drives his ball. It flies toward the same water hazard, but lands on top of the water. Jesus walks out on the surface to the ball, and hits it onto the green and into the hole. 2 strokes!
Average guy is up next. His form is horrible, not to mention he's barely within dress code for the course. He plunks a ball down, barely aims and just whacks it with his driver. It careens to the side, where it ricochets off a tree, heads out of bounds off the course, bounces off a passing truck, gets snatched out of midair by a seagull, who flies over the green and drops it in the hole for a hole in one!
Moses sighs, looks over at Jesus and says, "See, this is why I HATE playing golf with your Dad!"
Jesus approaches the tee next. He gets himself settled, aims, and drives his ball. It flies toward the same water hazard, but lands on top of the water. Jesus walks out on the surface to the ball, and hits it onto the green and into the hole. 2 strokes!
Average guy is up next. His form is horrible, not to mention he's barely within dress code for the course. He plunks a ball down, barely aims and just whacks it with his driver. It careens to the side, where it ricochets off a tree, heads out of bounds off the course, bounces off a passing truck, gets snatched out of midair by a seagull, who flies over the green and drops it in the hole for a hole in one!
Moses sighs, looks over at Jesus and says, "See, this is why I HATE playing golf with your Dad!"
Last edited:
S
sarahmarie
Headlines from the Year 2029
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia ( formerly California).
- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
- Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
- Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).
- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia ( formerly California).
- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
- Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
- Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).
- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
letscook04
Gold Member
- 2,393
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
Bra Codes
Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost boobs
B - Barely boobs
C - Can't complain
D - Dang!
DD - Double Dang!
E - Enormous
F - Fake
G - Get a reduction
H - Help me!! I've fallen and can't get up!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost boobs
B - Barely boobs
C - Can't complain
D - Dang!
DD - Double Dang!
E - Enormous
F - Fake
G - Get a reduction
H - Help me!! I've fallen and can't get up!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
S
sarahmarie
The following are nominees for the Chevy Nova Award, named in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America "no va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go!"
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron with a name that translated into "manure."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called "Cue", the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron with a name that translated into "manure."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called "Cue", the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
S
sarahmarie
Mental Test*
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
S
sarahmarie
If College Students Wrote The Bible
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to [email protected].
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to [email protected].
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. Body waste.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop. However, we do not run
that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling or filtering and/or fermenting.
WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH
Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink
water and be full of sh**.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I am doing it as a public service.
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. Body waste.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop. However, we do not run
that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling or filtering and/or fermenting.
WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH
Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink
water and be full of sh**.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I am doing it as a public service.
S
sarahmarie
Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?'
The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.'
'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?'
The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!'
(This makes sense to me!)
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?'
The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.'
'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?'
The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!'
(This makes sense to me!)
S
sarahmarie
In honor of drunk Irishmen
The Dublin Duo
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
The Dublin Duo
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
<h2>1. What is Never-Ending Thread (NET)?</h2><p>Never-Ending Thread (NET) is a thread created on Pampered Chef's forum as a place for members to share their latest jokes without having to start a new thread every time.</p><h2>2. Why was NET created?</h2><p>NET was created to provide a designated space for members to share jokes and have a good laugh without cluttering the forum with multiple joke threads.</p><h2>3. Can anyone post in NET?</h2><p>Yes, anyone who is a member of Pampered Chef's forum can post in NET and contribute their jokes.</p><h2>4. Are there any guidelines for posting in NET?</h2><p>We ask that members keep the jokes appropriate and respectful. We also encourage members to use proper grammar and spelling when posting.</p><h2>5. Can jokes posted in NET be used in shows?</h2><p>It's possible that some jokes posted in NET may be used in shows, but it is not guaranteed. The purpose of NET is to provide a fun space for members to share jokes, not for the sole purpose of finding material for shows.</p>
Related to Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!
Similar Pampered Chef Threads
- ShellBeach General Chat
ShellBeach
Crystal Patton
- Christ Follower General Chat
PamperedChefDebi
lt1jane
candiejayne
katie0128
The_Kitchen_Guy
- pampered1224 General Chat
pampered1224
- The_Kitchen_Guy General Chat
Admin Greg
Brenda.the.chef