What Should I Do??? - Very Sensitive Topic

[stefani2]

Ok - so I have debated over the last week or so whether to even post this. But I think this is a safe place because no one here is directly involved...

My DH has a bad temper - and has gone to the Dr. for anti anxiety meds, gone to counselling, and has even gone to Anger Management. He ended up getting angry and put his hands on me a week or so ago.

Now I don't know what the best thing to do is. I haven't been in this situation before with him - and when I was in this similar situation in the past - I left - but then again - no kids were involved then.

He doesn't seem to want to talk about it. He has expressed regret but has not said the words 'sorry'. I have tried to bring it up but he just keeps himself busy with other things.

I know it is probably tough to give advice - but to hear ANYTHING would be helpful. I can't talk to friends or family about this..........

 

[DessertDivaFL]

I would suggest BOTH of you going to counseling. I have suggested this program in a past post but there is a FREE program called Celebrate Recovery. This is a 12 Step program for men and women and they have a group for men who have anger issues. You would also get a lot from going to one of the women's groups (there are various issues to choose from). They may have one in Alberta. Just Google CELEBRATE RECOVERY.

Bottom line: There is no excuse for him taking his anger out on you, especially physically. Been there...done that.

 

[stefani2]

Sadly - I think there are a lot of people (men and women) who can relate to abuse - whether they talk about it or not.

I think I will Google it - thanks for the suggestion.

His anger has gotten worse each time he 'blacks out' - I just don't know whether it is safe to stay or not. He understand this is the absolute last time - but you know how people say 'there is always a next time....'

We have tried counselling before - but the counsellor suggested that his anger doesn't come from me - but from his past - so they suggested that DH goes by himself for sessions. But he didn't keep his appointments and quit going after about 4 times....

 

[chefmeg]

I would suggest BOTH of you going to counseling. I have suggested this program in a past post but there is a FREE program called Celebrate Recovery. This is a 12 Step program for men and women and they have a group for men who have anger issues. You would also get a lot from going to one of the women's groups (there are various issues to choose from). They may have one in Alberta. Just Google CELEBRATE RECOVERY.

Bottom line: There is no excuse for him taking his anger out on you, especially physically. Been there...done that.

Ditto...YOU must seek help and if he isn't willing, there must be consequences. Kids are tough and resilient, so don't worry about them if leaving is the answer~you cannot make yourself available to have this happen again.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

 

[katie0128]

First, if you want to keep this completely confidential, I would personally delete the thread from C/S. You have to remember that ANYONE can see ANYTHING on this site...

O.k. - now, personally, I would either get out of the situation (move out) or have DH move out. If he has received as much help as you have stated, then something more drastic needs to occur or he will not change. If he can't even physically say "I'm Sorry" to you, he (in my opinion) is not acknowledging the seriousness of the situation. So it is up to you to show him how serious it has become. Personally, I think it takes an extremely weak and ignorant man to resort to physically striking his wife when angry. Is that all you mean to him... to be a punching bag. (I know you didn't say he hit you and it sounds like this might be the first time... but how many battered wives started out the same way.)

Regardless of your thoughts/feelings, think of your kids. Do you want to stay and show your kids that it is o.k. for someone to touch them in any manner that is inappropriate?

 

[PamperChefCarol]

Wow. Not being an expert, but having had some dealings with abuse, my only advice is for you to seek help. Violence toward women is a slippery slope and once that line has been crossed once, it makes it easier to cross it again. I know you want to hear that he is sorry, and I am sure he is, but that doesn't change things. Unless he can acknowledge what he did was wrong, and commit to changing his behavior, you, and your kids, are in harms way.

It's your decision to stay or go, but please don't stay because of the children. Seeing Daddy hit Mommy isn't good for them at all.

Whatever your decision, please seek some counseling for yourself. It can provide some clarity that you may very well need.

Please, take care of yourself and be careful.

 

[chefann]

We have tried counselling before - but the counsellor suggested that his anger doesn't come from me - but from his past - so they suggested that DH goes by himself for sessions. But he didn't keep his appointments and quit going after about 4 times....

That bit indicates to me that DH isn't as serious about dealing with his anger issues as he says he is. If it were truly important to him, he'd find a way to keep the appointments. I'd find a safe haven for you and the kids. Document EVERYTHING while it's fresh in your mind, and seek out help locally.

 

[stefani2]

Thanks for all the advice everyone - I am just shaking as I sit here.

The only reason I would keep this thread open (unless Greg closes/deletes it) would be that I have no one else to talk to about it....

I feel better that if I decide to leave - I wouldn't be over-reacting/irrational

 

[vwpamperedchef]

Could you seek counseling at a local hospital? Obviously you need advice from a professional.

Maybe search online for "abused women forums" to get the information from people whom its happened to.

I cannot give you advice nor can I tell you to leave him. I just don't have the authority or all the information.

Whatever you do--- you need to think about your children and yourself. If you forsee this getting out of hand and worse, then seek shelter elsewhere. Get advice from a professional.

You will be in my prayers and please keep us updated.
Love, Vanessa

 

[dianevill]

Jenna,

I am following in Vanessa's footsteps by saying I cannot give you advice, as I have not been in the situation. Just wanted to give you a big {{{{hug}}}} and to tell you that you'll be in my prayers for resolution and peace.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Take it offline and IM or email with the nice folks who have replied.Delete the thread.This thread will only serve to come back later and bite you in the donkey.

 

[janetupnorth]

I agree with KG Jenna - so glad you have asked for advice but PM us and delete it FOR YOUR SAFETY. You need some help to keep you and the kids safe and work through this. We have a counsel on domestic violence here in town that I've worked with on a technology end. Most areas have one. If you need help finding one by you I'd be glad to make some contacts.Stay safe and good luck. You can still love your husband by getting him help - he needs to be committed to working on it CONTINUOUSLY though and time apart may have to happen before you come back together safely.

 

[DebbieJ]

Yes, please delete this thread.And, I have zero tolerance for violence against women, so I would pick up and leave.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I'll PM with you if you want, Jenna- just give me a holler!

 

[Chef Kearns]

No good advice just {{{HUGS}}}

I hope someone can help point you in the right direction. Know that we'll be praying for you.

 

[kathijenkins]

We're all here to offer support but I agree with everyone...cover your donkey & delete this thread. You're welcome to PM me any time you need someone to talk to.

 

[crystalscookingnow]

I would like to 2nd, 3rd and 4th the motion to delete this thread. You need to do that for the safety of you AND your children.

PM me too if you want. There's a history here.

 

[stefani2]

I don't know how