What Do You Think About Spanking?

[WLMcCoy]

My nephew is in his 'age of defiance', & my daughter is fast approaching it. My SIL have had a few discussions about this topic & I want to know what you think.

I don't want this to start a heated debate, so just voting on the poll is great. I just want to know what the majority think.

 

[BethCooks4U]

I really think it depends on the child. Spanking can be effective when used very rarely and only as the last resort - kind of as a wake up call for the child when nothing else is getting their attention. A spanking should never be more than one swift controlled swat. Any child that "needs" spankings more than once in a blue moon shouldn't be spanked - it doesn't work for them.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

I really think it depends on the child. Spanking can be effective when used very rarely and only as the last resort - kind of as a wake up call for the child when nothing else is getting their attention. A spanking should never be more than one swift controlled swat. Any child that "needs" spankings more than once in a blue moon shouldn't be spanked - it doesn't work for them.

I agree with Beth.:thumbup:

I've spanked several times, but now that he is 4.5, and Love and Logic training is working so well with him, he hasn't had to be spanked in a long time. (except on Christmas Eve at Grandpa and Grandma's, when he refused to listen and obey DH, and got a swat.)

 

[cincychef]

I agree, with Beth and Becky, it works for some kids and at different ages. My almost 4 year old just last week, (me) "if you don't stop that you are going to get a spanking" (Her) "Well how hard?" It is obviously time to come up with new punishments!!! For her the best thing to do is take away the toy she is playing with, because time out aren't effective either.

 

[c00p]

There are definitely times when a spanking is the way to go - and other times when it's not. My son that is now 3, was honestly not even phased by spanking when he was younger and most of the time wouldn't even cry - so it obviously wasn't working. We've found lots of other methods that do work with him, but I am of the mind set "spare the rod and spoil the child". I was raised with whippings...not spankings...and I do NOT agree with that - at all. My dad would literally take off his leather belt that had a TON of little hollow cutouts in it and you could hear the brrrrpppp sound it would make as he was taking it off and coming into our rooms. We were never bear bottomed, but it still hurt really bad even through blue jeans. I do NOT agree with that. But we do spank when necessary.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

I agree, with Beth and Becky, it works for some kids and at different ages. My almost 4 year old just last week, (me) "if you don't stop that you are going to get a spanking" (Her) "Well how hard?" It is obviously time to come up with new punishments!!! For her the best thing to do is take away the toy she is playing with, because time out aren't effective either.

Time outs don't work for my 4 yr old either. He has been known to put himself in time-out to keep from doing something he has been asked to do.
Making him give up a toy works here too.

He has also gotten much better about picking up toys since we installed the rule that if Mom picks it up, Mom gets to keep it, and he has to earn it back!

 

[ivykeep]

I believe in limited spanking (especially in dangerous situations like running into a street), but I do not believe in beating. There is no reason to use anything other than your own hand (in large part so you can really judge the force you are using). In our case we don't spank hard (no need to) and I've actually made my 2 1/2 year old tell me where she wanted to be spanked (on her leg or her hand -- strangely she always asks for her leg).

I've given her harder love pats on her bottom than her spankings, yet the spankings are effective fr her (and rare)I agree that if you are spanking regularly, it is not an effective method.

 

[BethCooks4U]

Time outs don't work for my 4 yr old either. He has been known to put himself in time-out to keep from doing something he has been asked to do.
Making him give up a toy works here too.

He has also gotten much better about picking up toys since we installed the rule that if Mom picks it up, Mom gets to keep it, and he has to earn it back!

Oh, I like that one! I wish I'd had that idea when mine were small. My kids laugh at the memory of me threatening a spanking - they never hurt, in fact once I bruised my finger and he didn't feel a thing. Another time one of my son's said a bad word and I went to (I swear) tap his cheek for saying it and bumped his nose and it bled! I felt terrible - he said it didn't hurt at all but let me feel bad for way too long. Yeah, they didn't get spanked around here much. DH spanked each one maybe once each and they got the picture quickly.

One of my sons was a total challenge. Spankings did not work at all, time outs didn't work (if you have to sit on them for their time out they won - got your total attention), taking things away didn't work... We had to give him points for rewards that he got when he earned enough points. Took him longer to earn treats or privileges if he misbehaved but it was the only thing that even worked at all. Our pediatrician (he was chair of a child abuse awareness group in our town) suggested we put a lock on the outside of his door and put him in there for time out. We did it once and it killed both DH and me - it might work but we couldn't handle it. Then again, maybe it did work after all because after that we would tell him to go in his room for 10 minutes (or whatever) and he'd say "please don't lock the door" to which we'd say "then stay in until we say you can come out". - of course, even that didn't last long...

 

[christinaspc]

I agree with Beth & Becky and everyone else but spanking isn't as mean as people think in my eyes unless it goes past the spaking and goes to hitting/beating... My kids are 8 and 5 and they know I will ask them to do something and if they don't follow after the 2nd time of asking they will get a spanking but till today they haven't gotten any in a long time. With my 8 yr old he has adhd so time out actually works better then spanking and we don't call it a time out we call it reflecting time and he doesn't like it cause we make him lay down on his bed and he has to think our doctor gave us the idea of the wording as reflecting time. Time out doesn't work my daughter either and she is 5 but they are getting to the point where they don't ever get anything.

I do have a friend who never spanked her child or gave him time out and watch out world he is horrible about back talking, not obeying, and just plainly not minding... She once told me I was mean for spanking my kids and I told her I would rather have them mind then be wilder then a march hair... He will go to the point where he throw himself on the floor in the store if she doesn't give into him. I feel sorry for her and family cause they never wanted to correct him.

There is my 2 bits on this. But I don't feel you are being mean at all

 

[BethCooks4U]

We had a friend who's son would hit our son and pull his hair and such (right in front of us) and the parents would do nothing except say "be nice" (they were about 3 or 4). They would only use reasoning, there was no punishing. When we asked them to please do something they said we should have our son pull his hair or hit him when he did that to our son. I don't think so. We stopped getting together with them.

 

[jrstephens]

I agree with Beth & Becky and everyone else but spanking isn't as mean as people think in my eyes unless it goes past the spaking and goes to hitting/beating... My kids are 8 and 5 and they know I will ask them to do something and if they don't follow after the 2nd time of asking they will get a spanking but till today they haven't gotten any in a long time. With my 8 yr old he has adhd so time out actually works better then spanking and we don't call it a time out we call it reflecting time and he doesn't like it cause we make him lay down on his bed and he has to think our doctor gave us the idea of the wording as reflecting time. Time out doesn't work my daughter either and she is 5 but they are getting to the point where they don't ever get anything.

I do have a friend who never spanked her child or gave him time out and watch out world he is horrible about back talking, not obeying, and just plainly not minding... She once told me I was mean for spanking my kids and I told her I would rather have them mind then be wilder then a march hair... He will go to the point where he throw himself on the floor in the store if she doesn't give into him. I feel sorry for her and family cause they never wanted to correct him.

There is my 2 bits on this. But I don't feel you are being mean at all

I agree with you.

I think people blow spanking way out of proportion. People go off on a tangent about someone doing it when different things work for different kids.

We believe in it. We have never done it with anything other than our hand. Luke has not had one in a while but if the action calls for it, he gets it. He will fall asleep in time out - time out is no big deal for him at all.

I also believe in my children "hitting back." If another child hits them, they are told to hit back. They will not be raised to take it, they are raised to defend themselves.

We had a situation at the sitter a long time back where one boy was picking on the other children. I told the sitter we had told Luke how and where to it the boy back. She told the mother that she was letting all the children fight back since he was bullying them. The mother was not too fond of it but once they started fighting back, his behavior stopped.

I had to talk to a lady at church about her son. He was bigger and would corner the other kids. The 3rd time he hit Luke. I went to her. He hit several other kids the same night too. He had even pushed Luke into the wall and made red marks on his back. He was bigger and Luke was to scared to hit him back. Plus, Luke is so tenderhearted that it broke his heart that the kid was being mean to him.

 

[DebbieSAChef]

Well I honestly feel that as a Christian I must live my life according to God's word and here is what his word tells us:

Prov 10:13 In the lips of him that hath understanding wisdom is found: but a rod is for the back of him that is void of understanding.

Prov 26:3 A whip for the horse, a bridle for the ass, and a rod for the fool's back.

Prov 13:24 He that spares his rod hates his son: but he that loves him chastens him betimes.

Prov 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

Prov 23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if you beat him with the rod , he shall not die.

Prov 23:14 You shall beat him with the rod , and shall deliver his soul from hell.

Prov 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame.

Even the Lord chastises us and it is not a pretty sight sometimes when a christian is in sin and rebellion. If he is truly of the Lord he will be chastized and brought back to repentance and forgiveness.
I know for my children if I did not love them I would not spank them. It's much easier to not spank, give them what they want or do some time-out thing. Now I am not saying a spanking is warranted in every situation, my children have come to love other things that I can use as leverage (Wii, DS, dessert, playtime with friends, etc) and adding extra things they do not like to do like chores. I can even make up chores, which they have come to find out. LOL Also writing bible verses.
I believe we must follow God's words of wisdom and use a form of rod to spank. I never use my hands because I want them to know that my hands are for holding, loving and caring for them. We have a paddle for the older children, the younger have the PC wooden spoon. The bible is very clear that we are to spank on their behinds where God placed extra padding. And it should hurt. The bible tells us that they will not die so do not spare for their crying. I have seen people swat their child's behind and the child just looks at them with a smirk. It accomplishes nothing and is usually done when mom has counted to 100 and is very angry. It's embarrassing and it teaches the child they don't have to listen until mom yells and is coming after them. A child should never be chased, he should come when called, even for a spanking. My younger children are learning if they make me go to them, they will get more than the number they were going to get in the first place.
Defiance and outright disobedience - there is mercy and chances for forgetting or if the rule has not been established yet.
Talking back - a big no no and includes crossing arms in defiance and rolling eyes or talking in a sarcastic tone
Hitting - anyone
Lying - about anything
These three are the most serious crimes in our home. These will get a spanking. And one must be consistent with spankings, and include prayer and lots of love to show the child that they are being loved when disciplined.
I always tell my kids that I must obey the Lord and love them no matter how hard it is for me to spank them. They understand. This is what works for our family.

Debbie

 

[raebates]

I think spanking is best used for open defiance in small children. I'm sure you can imagine what I'm talking about--you've told the child not to touch, but he looks you in the eye as he reaches for it one more time.By the time our son was 5 or 6, there were plenty of other punishments that worked better. As a matter of fact, at about 5 he started saying, "Can't I just get a spanking?" when we'd tell him his punishment. It was usually taking away time with friends or a favored toy. We knew a family that still used spanking on a 15-year-old girl. That was outside our parameters.

 

[christinaspc]

We had a friend who's son would hit our son and pull his hair and such (right in front of us) and the parents would do nothing except say "be nice" (they were about 3 or 4). They would only use reasoning, there was no punishing. When we asked them to please do something they said we should have our son pull his hair or hit him when he did that to our son. I don't think so. We stopped getting together with them.

Omg Beth, I couldn't believe the other parents would want your son to do it back to theirs. But you never know about people. The sad thing in our situation is the mother and I had been best friends since we were in Kindergarten and now we don't hardly do anything together cause of that but I also didn't want my kids to think that behavor was okay and they could get away with it. my son doesn't really play with him at school either cause he says if you don't play his way he still throws a fit.

 

[christinaspc]

I agree Rae as the kids get older there are different punishments that fit one the crime and two the child's age. My daughter hates it if she doesn't pick up her room she gets a baby doll taken away so now she picks it up with no fits. I couldn't imagine spanking a 15 yr old I can see your grounded from the phone or blah blah but spanking wow

 

[BethCooks4U]

We always taught our sons that hitting back was a last resort. If they were being bullied and nothing else worked then by all means defend yourself. I have to say though, I do not recall them getting in fights at all (except with each other - and that was pretty rare).

 

[pampered.chris]

My sister and her hubby do not spank their kids. They think it is funny to teach their three year old nasty things to say. So a few weeks ago my mom was watching the boys and my DD and went over to see them. the 3 year old pushed his 1 yr old brother to the floor and was told to stop by my mother and he looked right at her and said, "Leave me alone, I hate you". I yelled at him for this. Then he was climbing on an couch to get to breakables and told to get down by my DD in return he said "You're a jerk, I hate you". I yelled at him again. This went on and on a few more times. When DD and I were leaving he thought he was coming with us and when I told him he was staying he called me a jerk and I grabbed him by the arm and popped his butt. He went wide-eyed from shock and got tears in his eyes as I yelled at him and told him that I would NOT tolerate him talking to me like that. He ran to a corner and hid.
My mother was upstairs during this so she came down right as he went running to hide. I told her I popped his butt and suggested that she do the same if she wanted him to act different. She told me later that night that she only had to say one thing to him the rest of the time he was there and that he did not backtalk her.
I told my sister she needs to make him stop this. She told her son that "Aunt Kitty is mad at you and thinks you should not talk to mommy like that.". WHAT?????
I agree with spanking for certain reasons. I was raised that way and I was raised with respect for my parents and others and was very well behaved. I do NOT believe in abuse, but spanking your child and abuse are two VERY different things.
Oh and by "yelling" I mean speaking strongly.
I feel very badly for my sister's children because of the life they will lead as their parents (one is 30 the other is close) are too immature to have children.

 

[susanr613]

I agree that spanking, used with calmness, deliberation and very sparingly, can be very effective. I used it mostly for "shock and awe" when there was defiance or DS did something very dangerous. It worked in those situations, and as for the rest....well somehow DS is growing up as a pretty well-behaved kid who pushes his limits every once in a while - in other words, normal ;-)

IMO, being hit in anger, being hit at random or with no preamble, and being hit on a regular basis is abusive. Being spanked as described in the first paragraph is discipline.

 

[pampermejolene]

I was never spanked and will never spank. I just don't see the logic in it. You did something bad so you get slapped? There are many other ways of disciplining and teaching lessons. I know there are many that will disagree with me, this is just my two cents.

 

[ivykeep]

I run a local on-line mommy group with lots of in person interactions with the members... it is VERY clear to tell just by watching the children which parents believe in disciplining only with "love" and those parents who discipline their children by expecting them to behave and be obedient.Several of the moms are completely anti-spanking (and in fact one former member actually called the police because another member swatted her child for pushing another child on the top of a sliding board, citing abuse). I am very respectful of everyone's own decisions within their own homes, but there are some children I tend to avoid because they have no discipline and tend to hurt my child and are only verbally corrected.I definitely think that different methods of discipline are needed for different children and that nothing will work for all children (or even for one child all the time), but I strongly feel that all children DO need to be set limits and should be expected to live by them (to the extent that they are capable of given their age -- clearly a 2 year old has different expectations than an 8 year old). I do not think parents that let their children do anything they want are doing their children any favors at all. You can't do anything you want in society (there are laws and rules), and you shouldn't be able to do so as children either.

 

[chefshawna]

I agree that spanking has a time and a place. We spank if it is warranted. I have found that with DD, making her put her nose in the corner or go to her room and sit on her bed works pretty good.
I do think that if you look back at when they took paddling out of school you start to see a definite decline in children's behavoir. I think that every child needs discipline and needs to know that there are consequences for bad behavior. People wonder why schools aren't safe anymore, well take a better look at what has been removed from schools and you'll get your answer. God and discipline!!

 

[raebates]

I'm with Susan about making sure you're not angry when you swat a child's tush. I believe they are well padded there for a reason, so that's the only place I believe a spanking should be administered.I also don't agree with using an implement of any kind. From personal experience (on the receiving end) I know that it's way too easy to swat harder than you realize when you don't feel the sting on your own hand. My mom's implement of choice was a fly swatter used on the bare upper thigh. In my opinion it was used far too often and for far too long.

 

[ivykeep]

I agree that spanking has a time and a place. We spank if it is warranted. I have found that with DD, making her put her nose in the corner or go to her room and sit on her bed works pretty good.
I do think that if you look back at when they took paddling out of school you start to see a definite decline in children's behavoir. I think that every child needs discipline and needs to know that there are consequences for bad behavior. People wonder why schools aren't safe anymore, well take a better look at what has been removed from schools and you'll get your answer. God and discipline!!

I also think parents are hugely to blame -- parents will outright lie for their kids and it is "always" the teachers fault. What does that teach our children? That they don't have to take responsibility for their behavior.

My parents would not lie for us and if we got in trouble in school, we were in double trouble at home -- and guess what, 9 kids later all of us turned out pretty well with no major school problems, ever.

 

[pcchefjane]

I was never spanked and will never spank. I just don't see the logic in it. You did something bad so you get slapped? There are many other ways of disciplining and teaching lessons. I know there are many that will disagree with me, this is just my two cents.

There is a difference in "slapping" and spanking, Jolene! My 2 yo grandson is spanked on the occasion when he misbehaves repeatedly after being corrected for something that could hurt him (i.e., he ran towards the street past his "limits". We have found lately that taking away something he wants to play with works better. The other day, he took a "no" attitude to everything he was told to do. When his daddy got home from work, he sat down and talked with him and told him that his keyboard and drum stool would be put away for 3 days because of his behavior. He has not done it again and it's been over a week. My DD had to put the playdough away the other day after he tried to eat it. He was told not to once and tried again, so she told him it went away for the rest of that day and one more. That seemed to work.

I can count the number of times I spanked my DD on two hands in her LIFETIME! She was a child that was punished more by going to my bedroom and sitting on the bed for timeout. That occured rarely.

Spanking should only be done with the hand on the butt. I had one of my customers tell me she split one of her PC Bamboo Spoons after using it as a paddle. I looked at her and said God gave us a hand and the child a bottom... Her kids are very undisciplined. My DD kept them for a couple of months and had to tell her she couldn't do it because of the 5 yo boy's backtalk and refusal to behave. The 2-1/2 yo girl was beginning to act just like him. Josiah, my grandson, doesn't even like to play with them because they are very rough.

 

[ivykeep]

I can understand the reasoning on spanking only on the bottom, but don't agree with it. In our case tapping fingers tends to get more attention and behavior modification (plus it is usually the hand that are creating an issue with pinching, pushing or poking). It isn't a hard hit (less than a slap me five or clapping hands) but does get her attention with a No. (the NO on it's own did not have any effect).And diapered bottoms simply don't feel a spanking and there are times that it is necessary to spank quickly and effectively (like running into the street). Spanking does need to be immediate (to spank a child when you get home is completely ineffective because they can't connect the spanking with the reason that they are getting spanked). (And yes, some children definitely remain diapered long after spanking is an appropriate discipline).I would NOT use a spoon on my child.

 

[raebates]

I'll give you that one, Laura. A quick tap on the fingers as they reach once again for something is very effective.

 

[cookingwith_tara]

I agree, agree, agree, with the not spanking in anger. How can you tell your parents are doing it because they love you if they are mad when they are doing it? You know, spanking is supposed to be done out of love. It's really hard to connect love and spanking when they are yelling and hitting at the same time. We had a different tool each time; a switch, the hand, a spoon, the belt, bare bottom (girls, too!), back handed in the mouth. I don't have kids (yet!), but believe me, I learned (from how I was raised) wat NOT to do. I believe God's Word to be true. 'Spare the rod, spoil the child.' (I'm paraphrasing). There is a serious fine line in spanking and whipping. Spanking is what is done in love. It is a form of correction and instruction. And if it was used in that way AND IN LOVE we would have less crime and more love and peace in our world!

I also think 'follow through' is another problem. How many children would actually do what they are told if the parents did to them what they said they would. "If you touch that again, I'm going to spank", I told you not to do that or such and such would happen", and over and over again. Try not to say things you really don't want to do (no matter where you are) - like if you're in public and you don't want to spank in public then don't say I'm going to spank you instead say things like "if you don't stop (or behave or whatever), then you're going to have to sit in the cart or you have to walk with your hand over your mouth for 2 minutes, or you must hold your sister's hand the rest of the time, or something that would be discipline you are comfortable with AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Even at an early age, kids recognize your behavior, even when we're not aware. We don't follow through (enough times- they catch on, unknowingly) and then they don't follow through. "I told you to do so and so . . . "I will, in a minute", or something like that. The things we say to them at an early age really shapes their behavior. It's important for us to be carefull at every second with what we say and do and be sure to say and do it in LOVE. We shape their behavior from the very beginning.

Just my 2 cents - I don't have kids. I am the oldest of 6. An alcoholic father who was never there and we always had nothing and a step father who never had children until the 6 of us and was beaten when he was a child. But, I do have an opinion on how I would treat my kids if I did.

My sister has three kids, very unruly, and it does hurt me to see them treat her (and me and meemaw) the way they do. But they were not taught any different. So what do you expect? Children are only acting how they were taught. (example: if, when they were just learning to speak and you said things like "say no to uncle so and so, or you grabbed their arm to tap (hit) brother or sister on the hand, then as they are learning to do things on their own they will think it's funny, too, and want to continue doing it. Then mom and dad gets mad at them for hitting or back talking. Well, you taught them to do it when they were younger, duh! You see what I mean?

 

[pampchefsarah]

I don't have time right now to read all the responses (though, there is alot of excellent advice here), but I remember reading in one of my sister's Christian discipline books that a child should be spanked when they misbehave, and the following example was given (this is paraphrased, since I read it years ago, and don't remember the exact wording).

One day the author's mother-in-law was visiting, and her grandchild misbehaved. The father (the author) took the child into another room for a spanking. When the two returned they were both smiling, and the mother-in-law was outraged. After all, a child who was just spanked should be crying and upset, right?

The author tells the reader, though, that when he spanks his children he makes sure they understand, first, exactly what they did wrong, and that, because he loves them he must discipline them.

Honestly, when I first read this I thought as some here do, ie "spanking is not loving." However, as the mother of a now 19 year-old who has had problems with the law because of drinking and drugs, and a 14 year-old daughter who has a very sharp tongue, I understand now why reasoning and time-outs don't always work. I can hardly send my daughter to the corner, and the 'reasoning' has provided her the opportunity to back-talk us. Of course, we can't spank them now, either (we have been told many times by our son that if lifted a hand against him, he would call the police for child abuse!). I don't want to make kids say as if they are horrible monsters - they both have some wonderful and loving qualities. However, they are now often defiant because we were too often lenient.

 

[chefshawna]

I also think parents are hugely to blame -- parents will outright lie for their kids and it is "always" the teachers fault. What does that teach our children? That they don't have to take responsibility for their behavior.

My parents would not lie for us and if we got in trouble in school, we were in double trouble at home -- and guess what, 9 kids later all of us turned out pretty well with no major school problems, ever.

I completely agree!! I think that some parents today try too hard to be the best friend and forget the parenting! I would never lie to a teacher for my kid! My mom is a retired school teacher and my dad worked for the board of education, so I was never bad in school for fear they would be disappointed in me. Kids don't have that fear or worry now and I think it's a shame! I am the youngest of 8 and my parents spanked and we all turned out pretty good too!! I am trying my hardest to raise my children with respect and manners and though it's hard, discipline is what is needed, and not just time out! I think that some parents who don't discipline are just too lazy to try!! JMO!!

 

[raebates]

Tara, you are absolutely right about following through. Consistency is the hallmark of good discipline. For all intents and purposes, if you don't do what you tell your child you're going to do you're lying. Our son knew that if we said doing A would result in B, then the very first time (and every time thereafter) that he did A, B would be the immediate result.

 

[cookingwith_tara]

Tara, you are absolutely right about following through. Consistency is the hallmark of good discipline. For all intents and purposes, if you don't do what you tell your child you're going to do you're lying. Our son knew that if we said doing A would result in B, then the very first time (and every time thereafter) that he did A, B would be the immediate result.

Amen! And I'm sure, as a result, he has learned to be honest, trustworthy, and dependable. Definite qualities you want your children to have, right?!

 

[Sheila]

I didn't take the time to read all the posts. I voted "yes", but it's really a "depends" answer. For some children it's very effective. For other's it's not so effective. When my 3 nephews lived with me, one had to be spanked to understand that you meant business. His younger brother didn't care if you spanked him or not ... but if you put him in the corner, it was as if his world just ended.

Regardless of the child's age, you have to find their "money". What is it that they value the most? A favorite toy, play time (ie having to take a time out), video games, driving priviledges? Once you find their "money", you will find that discipline is much easier.

But it all boils down to consequences. If there is even a CHANCE that they might get their way, they will keep pushing you & hoping that you will eventually give in. Once you've established a pattern of following through with the threat that you've made for bad behavior, you will find that discipline is much easier. I can tell my 14 month old "Mommy said NO" and she will stop dead in her tracks ... because she knows that mommy means business. The neighbor's child minds me just as well ... but will not (under any circumstances) mind her mother, because she knows that her Mom is not going to do anything to her.

I'm a retired Police Dispatcher, so I've seen the adults who never learned consequences as a child. They are still out there defying authority and going to jail.

I'm a firm believer in consequences with the RIGHT punishment for each child. If the punishment doesn't phase them, you are wasting your time and not teaching them responsibility.

Hope that helps!

 

[raebates]

Here's one of my favorite stories to tell when people commented about how well-behaved our son was in his late teens. Without sharing all of the details (it's a long, involved story), our son and his good friend got in trouble. Our son was grounded for two weeks--no phone, no friends, no choice of TV programs, etc. His friend was grounded for three weeks. At the end of the two weeks, our son was in town and was surprised to run into his friend. He came home and told me that after three days his friend had all of his privileges back. He said to me, "Mom, he didn't learn anything."He's 22 now. He has often thanked us for teaching him that there are consequences to the choices we make.

 

[BethCooks4U]

i agree that spanking has a time and a place. We spank if it is warranted. I have found that with dd, making her put her nose in the corner or go to her room and sit on her bed works pretty good.
I do think that if you look back at when they took paddling out of school you start to see a definite decline in children's behavoir. I think that every child needs discipline and needs to know that there are consequences for bad behavior. people wonder why schools aren't safe anymore, well take a better look at what has been removed from schools and you'll get your answer. God and discipline!!

amen!

.....

 

[mrssyvo]

I agree that many parents want to be the child's friend, instead of the parent. I told my girls when they were pre-teens, I am not your friend, I am your Mom, you have enough friends, you have only 1 mom, ME!!! Also, this is said tounge-in-cheek, that if your kids are teenagers, and do not say, I hate you, at least once a month, you are not being tough enough. Now, I do not believe kids should say, I hate you, and I know my girls did not hate me, and they did respect me, but they were also upset as teens, because I was not linent, and they could not get away with things, thus the mumbled, "I Hate you!" I did spank them, when needed- but I did not need to much, in fact, with my oldest, It only took a word of correction, and she crumbled. Her sister, on the other hand, was quite different, and we had a "come to mamma" meeting quite often for awhile there.

 

[susanr613]

glad to see there are so many rational people at all stages of parenting!

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Here's one of my favorite stories to tell when people commented about how well-behaved our son was in his late teens. Without sharing all of the details (it's a long, involved story), our son and his good friend got in trouble. Our son was grounded for two weeks--no phone, no friends, no choice of TV programs, etc. His friend was grounded for three weeks. At the end of the two weeks, our son was in town and was surprised to run into his friend. He came home and told me that after three days his friend had all of his privileges back. He said to me, "Mom, he didn't learn anything."

He's 22 now. He has often thanked us for teaching him that there are consequences to the choices we make.

I have a great little story too. My nephew and niece have had a horrible home-life (and nephew ran away from home the day after Christmas - was gone for 12 hours - at the age of 13!) and have no respect for their parents. They get everything handed to them, and have had no consistency in discipline. However, they love coming to visit me, and I never have any problem with them following the rules and obeying. Once when they were younger (about 8 & 6 yrs old) they spent the night, and the next morning my niece started throwing a temper tantrum and pouting because she didn't get her way about breakfast. Our conversation went something like this:

NIECE: "But I want it right now" (said in a whining cry)
ME: "Oh, no, Chey - you can stop that right now, because you aren't going to get away with that here."
NEPHEW (and older brother): "Yeah, Chey, you might as well stop, because you can't get away with anything at Aunt Becky's house."
ME (trying not to laugh): "That's right! We can have a fun time, but we have to follow the rules."

 

[lauradahl]

Tara, you are absolutely right about following through. Consistency is the hallmark of good discipline. For all intents and purposes, if you don't do what you tell your child you're going to do you're lying. Our son knew that if we said doing A would result in B, then the very first time (and every time thereafter) that he did A, B would be the immediate result.

Well put Rae! I am guilty here and it's something I'm working on. I found out that if I don't follow thru, I just get more frustrated and the boys don't learn a thing about consequences. I do find it exhausting to be so consistent sometimes, but my 2 yo "pushes" to find out just what I'm gonna do and you can see it in his eyes. I sometimes find myself feeling very militant...but at the same time, I have so many people compliment on their behavior and that is a little "yah for me" and my work as a sahm (and it is "work")! My 4 yo is a nice respecting little man and that makes this "job" so rewarding!

 

[Sheila]

I've never tolerated temper tantrums either. My favorite phrase with the nephews was: "It's okay to be mad. It is NOT okay to throw a temper tantrum." LOL

 

[pamperedlinda]

I used to tell DS that he could yell and scream all he wanted to for as long as he wanted....but he had to do it in his bedroom with the door closed! That usually ended the tantrums.

 

[raebates]

Well put Rae! I am guilty here and it's something I'm working on. I found out that if I don't follow thru, I just get more frustrated and the boys don't learn a thing about consequences. I do find it exhausting to be so consistent sometimes, but my 2 yo "pushes" to find out just what I'm gonna do and you can see it in his eyes. I sometimes find myself feeling very militant...but at the same time, I have so many people compliment on their behavior and that is a little "yah for me" and my work as a sahm (and it is "work")! My 4 yo is a nice respecting little man and that makes this "job" so rewarding!

It's much more difficult and time-consuming at first to be a consistent, disciplined parent. In the long run, it makes the job much easier.

Linda, we always told our son that feelings are feelings. They aren't good or bad, right or wrong, they just are. However, there are appropriate ways to express those feelings. Being rude and disrespectful falls into the "inappropriate" category. Like you, we told him that throwing a tantrum in the privacy of his own room to vent his feelings was fine. Doing it in the company of another person wasn't.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Exactly Rae! DS would tell me that he was just so mad he had to yell to get it out of him! (this is from a 3-4 yr old) I would tell him that yes, I understood being really mad - however he would just have to find another place to be really mad because I wasn't going to listen to it and if I had to listen then I was going to be really mad too and he did not want to see what would happen if mommy got really mad

 

[BethCooks4U]

Exactly Rae! DS would tell me that he was just so mad he had to yell to get it out of him! (this is from a 3-4 yr old) I would tell him that yes, I understood being really mad - however he would just have to find another place to be really mad because I wasn't going to listen to it and if I had to listen then I was going to be really mad too and he did not want to see what would happen if mommy got really mad

I had a son that would have done what he could to SEE what would happen. That would not have worked here. I did use this though (having them vent somewhere away from everyone else) and it was effective - I just couldn't add that threat. I told him he could go into his room and scream into his pillow or even punch it if it made him feel better. I just had to be very careful of how I said anything while disciplining that one.

 

[pamperedlinda]

DS would always ask what was gonna happen when mommy got really mad. I always said "You don't wanna know".....neither of us ever found out!

Last year I found that the bottom step on our staircase is an effective discipline tool. One day he was aggravating me and I had had enough so I just turned around and told him to sit on the bottom step and not say a word! Not the second or third step - but the bottom step! (I was being a control freak at this point ) I made him sit on that step for 5 mins and he was back to being my sweet child when he got up. So, for the past year when he starts acting up I send him to the step - he used ask which step. My answer was always the bottom step - now he just goes there. Every now and then when he is starting to get on my nerves he asks me if I'm going to send him to the step! LOL I love that step! Wish I had thought of it earlier

 

[Sheleif]

We spank and it is a last resort. IMO if people would just be consistant and follow through with what they say will happen all forms of disicpline can work. I am guilty too of threatening but not always following through. Kids figure that out fast!

 

[ange413]

Having been spanked bare bottomed with a belt as a kid, I totally understand that fear and intimidation. However, it never kept me from doing bad things either??!! Every child will act bad or test the waters at different points in their lives.

I still believe that spanking can be a way of getting attention. With that said, I've been extremely lucky to not have to spank very often with any of my 3 kids. With the littlest one (she's 4 now), I just have to start counting to 3 and she usually changes her behavior by the time I finish 2. And the rare times that she doesn't she is sent to her room to sit and finish her crying, then she can come down and apologize. I don't know why that works--but I started it when she was 1 and it still works!

My 16yr old tried to sass me one day last summer, and I just basically got in her face and said she can talk however she wishes with her friends, but she will never talk back to me. She quickly apologized and hasn't sassed ever again. I also try to communicate with her all the time and I use her friends behaviors as examples. She sees how they are and that they are spoiled little monsters but she also sees how disgusting of a behavior it is and that their parents are doing them no favors by giving in or ignoring it. They are the trouble makers, bad grades, girls who "get around", etc. and she doesn't want to be one of them!

Sure makes you feel good as a parent when the other parents complement your children as being the best behaved, well mannered, etc.!!! It's even better when your own kid points out bad behavior at a restaurant or the mall, even among all the neighbor kids.

Kids aren't stupid---they just need limits. Their job is to push us--that's how we grow as parents and they grow into respectful young adults.

 

[Shawnna]

To spank or not to spank...there are so many different opinions and reasons for opinions. I firmly believe in spanking when it is needed. Each child is different and you have to figure out what works best with each one. I have 3 children and they have all been spanked. My oldest is 18 and when he was small you never had to spank him. You could sit and talk to him and explain stuff and his behavior would change. After he was a little older...started school and saw how other kids acted...he would have to get spankings sometimes, but for the most part he has been the model child. My DH may have spanked him once a year but I doubt it. But, when daddy spanks you, you remember and you don't want it again. My daughter was totally different. You could raise your voice and she would usually stop. In the event you had to spank her, she would remember and not do it again. Our youngest son, you could beat him...not literally, you just felt like you were...and he would just ignore you and keep right on doing whatever he was doing. Time out didn't work. You had to take something away from him to get his attention.

My parents spanked us...my mom would get ahold of you with whatever she had in her hand...belt, switch, hairbrush, etc...she would spank your butt, your legs, and if you back-talked her she would slap you in the mouth...you didn't do it again. I do not feel I was abused, I have never been afraid of my parents. But we behaved when we were told. Yes, you thought about the spanking you were going to get if you disobeyed...not because you were afraid of mom and daddy, but because you didn't like the spanking. There is a difference in spanking and beating.

As for hitting back...sometimes its the only thing that works. It is sad that kids hit each other, but there comes a time when they have to stand up for themselves. For one thing it teaches other children that there are consequences when they bully others. When I worked at HeadStart we had a child who bullied all the other kids...yes a 4 year old...he would hit, kick, bite, spit on them, you name it and he did it. My son walked by him one day and he hit him in the face with a toy horse barely missing my son's eye. The kids were all afraid of him. When you put him in time out...our only allowed form of discipline...he wouldn't stay there. You ended up sitting on the floor with him in your lap, arms and legs around him because he would hit you, spit on you, bite you, etc. He hit the teachers in the face...broke one teachers glasses. It was so bad that when we had visiters the kids would say "see that boy, he's mean". But, the parents...my DH included...finally told their kids to hit him back. I told my son that if he hit back, he would be punished just like the other little boy because we aren't allowed to hit at headstart...those were the rules. The other parents told the teacher that they had told their children to hit back. After about a week of being hit back, he stopped. The kids would get punished and he would cry...and be punished...but when he learned that it wouldn't be tolerated he stopped. His first semester of kindergarten was a nightmare for him and his teacher and the principle.

 

[ivykeep]

I will be a "mean" mother when my daughter is older. Once she is out of elementary school, she will no longer be allowed to sleep over at friends homes unless I know the other family well and I am SURE yhat they have similar values as we do. Unfortunately, my youngest sister had friends whose parents would lie to my parents for her and would undermine my parents authority by telling my sister that my parents were just "old" and out of touch. Now granted, my parents were in their 40's when my sister was born and most of her friends parents were in their 20's, but NO parent has the right to tell another parent's child that their parents are out of touch and too strict. (Different story if my sister were being abused, but that was NOT the case). I was horrified to learn that the parents were providing alcohol to 14, 15 and 16 year olds on a regular basis. In my opinion that is not good parenting (and if you want to argue that you'd rather kids drink in your home where they are supervised, that's fine for YOUR kids, but not for other parents children, especially if you let them leave when they are drunk!!)Frankly, witnessing some of this has made me extremely hesitant to trust any other parents that I am not SURE share my values.If my kids want to have friends over at our house they can -- but all of the kids will be expected to abide by our house rules. My children may not like me for it, but those are the rules and my husband agrees and our kids will know that those are the rules long before they reach the teenage years.I know I won't be able to stop my kids from making choices I don't agree with, but I can and will limit their access to the temptation to drink, do drugs or have sex to early.