Personal Wedding Planning Dilemma- My Mom

[pampered.chris]

So I hate to be a downer here, but I can't help but be really disappointed in my mom...I just got engaged on Sept 29 and we are planning our wedding for Oct 16, 2010. My mom has been so uncaring about the entire thing. I am not sure how to handle her, but she is really bugging me and hurting my feelings and I would LOVE my cheffer friends' advice!

Here are some of the things she has done/said:
-when I showed her my ring, she said hmmm..that's pretty and then went back to watching tv...no hugs, no crying, no squealing, no "I'm so happy for you" etc.
-a week after she told me that I was NOT allowed to remove family (extended) from my guest list to accomodate my friends...um...
-same conversation she told me that she will NOT be paying for anything as she only ever planned to pay for two weddings and my sister was married twice (this is my first), the NEXT breathe she said, "The mother of the bride is the HOSTESS of the event". I thought, seriously, you won't pay for anything but you get to take credit for being the hostess? WTH?!
-I didn't take her dress shopping with me, I just went the other day, I didn't even mention it to her b/c she quit talking to me, since the day she told me she wouldn't pay but is the hostess. But I ran into her in the store and showed her the pictures of my gown, to which she replied "mmmhmmm." a lady ran into her and she said in the most bored voice I have ever heard, "sorry she is showing me pictures of her wedding dress".

Seriously! She is really bothering me and bringing me down. I have great anxiety over her ruining my entire day, and it is a year away. My mother is obviously someone who is a far cry from winning any mom awards, but still, what is her problem? Why can't I have a mom that is actually happy for me? I am FINALLY going to get married, have the most AMAZING man in my life who adores me and my daughter and my mother is like kryptonite to me right now. I don't get it and I don't know how to handle it. If I am this bothered by it with 11 months till the wedding...how am I going to get through the next year?!

Help me!!! I need to have a talk with her but I don't know what to say, or how to say it...or if I should even care. But I will not tolerate her having this attitude for the next year towards me but taking over the "hostessing" of an event that I am working my butt off to make sure it is amazing. HELP!!!

 

[kdangel518]

Chris (((HUGS))) and CONGRATS!!!MH and I have been married for just over a year, and I feel like I've been through it recently enough but at the same time am far enough removed that I can give some advice A few thoughts come to my mind... it sounds like your sister has been married twice? I'm wondering if mom is thinking that she's not getting her hopes up about this because things didn't work out with your sister's first marriage? Or maybe she's just really bummed out that she's loosing you! (are you the baby?)It could be a plethora of things, really... honestly, my mom and I are somewhat close, and though I love her to pieces, she was a ROYAL PITA during my wedding planning. My parents were generous enough to contribute a certain amount towards our wedding which covered about 90% of our costs, but mom just wasn't excited about things that I was... had totally different visions than I did... even insited that RSVP's went to THEIR house even though I spent around 100 hours making my own invitations and MH and I were tracking the guest list...Point is, you can't control how your mom is acting right now. And as much as it is a really big bummer and does hurt, you can control the way that you REact.Thing is that this is the beginning of your life with your future husband, and from here on out it's you, him, and your DD. If mom doesn't want to be excited for you and support you in this, that's really sad but it's her loss!My guess is though that there's something else going on... I would approach her about it and just try to find out if there's something on her mind. Maybe your FI didn't ask for your hand and mom wanted that? I don't know, just throwing things out there GL and let us know how it goes! And take some advice from someone who's been there- SIMPLE is better when it comes to wedding plans! BOY do I wish I had taken that $$ my parents so generously gave us and put it into a downpayment on a house and ran off to Mexico to elope on the beach instead of having a big wedding!

 

[Grandmarita]

I feel your pain. Is your Mom without a partner right now, and maybe jealous? How does she interact with your fiance?

The older a child is when they get married, the more often I see them doing their own planning, and paying for their friends they want to attend. Are you in a position to do that, or where you really counting on her to make a big contribution? Money seems to be a source of your pain, from what I am reading. It sounds like she wants to control things (is she a controlling person?). When my son got married ten years ago, he was 41, and he and his wife paid for their entire wedding. It was populated by their friends, and my Mom gave them a list of the relatives she dearly wanted to have attend.
She wrote a check, as her gift, adequate to cover the cost of her list. The relatives were all so happy that the "bachelor" had finally found the girl of his dreams. They were my aunts and uncles and cousins. I personally, was not in a position to "pay for his wedding" and neither was his Dad. It is not expected in this day and age, among the folks I know. If you are very young, say under 25, perhaps it is more common, but for
more mature couples, I hear they are footing the bill for their friends, at least.

 

[NooraK]

Congratulations!!! And (((((HUGS))))) to help you deal with your mom. IMO what you need to do right now is lay down some ground rules. Like you said, if you're already feeling this way 11 months before the wedding, what will you feel like 10 months from now if you don't. You know your mom better than any of us do, so you'll probably know what the best way to communicate with her is. Which ever way you do it, you have to make it clear now that you wish for her to be there on your special day, and in the months preceding it, but you want it to be a happy experience. You will not tolerate any negativity or passive-aggressiveness. If she does not to wish to contribute to the wedding financially, so be it (you don't want to force her or guilt her into it anyway), but it also means that she does not have a say over what you decide to do. She can give her opinion and suggestions, but you are not obligated to take any of those suggestions. Sit down with her now, and ask her which relatives she would like for you to consider. Decide on your budget, the style of your wedding and how many guests you will be able to include based on those factors. Tell her that the line must be drawn somewhere since your source of funding is not endless. What you most certainly need is someone to be there to support you through the whole thing. I'm sure your fiancee knows about all of this, but you need a girlfriend to confide to. Have you already picked a MOH? Do you have a BFF who understands how your relationship with your mom is, and is willing to be there to listen?I still have things that I wish had gone differently with my own wedding. My mom lived across the country, so she couldn't attend any dress fittings or planning sessions. I also didn't do a fantastic job of trying to include her in the process, but we also paid for everything ourselves. I did almost everything by myself, and I wish I'd had someone to share it with (besides DH of course).In any case, if you set the ground rules now, and stick to them, the next 11 months will be much more enjoyable.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

If she is not paying, then why would she get to decide on the guest list?

When I was younger, I had a dear friend get married...and her biggest fear was that her mom was going to take over the day, create drama, and make the day about her. (she was a drama queen who thought that everything shoud be about her!) It was a simple wedding, and my part in it was a reading near the beginning of the ceremony. Since I was around for all of the pre-wedding stuff, my friend asked it I would mind "watching" her mom. So I became her mom's babysitter for the week, and especially on the wedding day. I kept her occupied and distracted, so that Tamara's wedding could be the beautiful day that she had planned.

Maybe you have a friend who could act as a buffer like this for you too?

 

[Nanisu]

Whatever you do DO NOT let this ruin this special time in your life. Make your plans and if she comes along, fine, if not, remember this is NOT about her, it's YOUR day. I actually had someone in the wings to stand in at my wedding in case my dad decided not to participate (which he actually did), so I feel your pain. Whatever happens enjoy this time.

 

[akrebecca]

So many different things went thru my head while reading your post. When my husband proposed in 2000, my mom & dad took a wait and see attitude. For good reason, this was engagement #4. 16 months later, we were married. My mom did make a comment the day before the wedding, I'll never forget it, "So, you are really going thru with this one." Yum, yeah?

DH & I were very upfront with our parents. As adults, we decided we were paying for the wedding ourselves. As such, our wedding & reception was going to be small and limited in number. We invited about 100 people to the wedding & half to the reception. I did have some remarks/complaints regarding that. My explanation-we are paying $10/person for dinner and a band. Unfortunately, I can't pay for everyone to attend the reception and there is no reason why we should go into debt. However, one person did not listen to what we said. Unbeknownest to me & DH, MIL invited 10 people to the wedding & reception (my DH can't stand being in the same room with these people). We asked her cover the cost of the extra $. She refused saying they were standing in for her (she lived in AZ). I reexplained the situation & she said "You & DH did not want anyone helping out with any of the costs, so no I will not pay." Ah, the begininng of it all.

Overall my mom was fine. She understood that since she was not paying for any costs, she was not hosting the event, therefore she really had no say.

Is your mom normally bubbly & overflowing with hugs & kisses? Or is she reserved in her display of affection? Or is she in between the two? Maybe she is not interested in planning a wedding. Sit down with her, have a non-confrontational chat (keep emotions out of it) and ask her if she would like to help. Maybe she would like to help with something after the wedding.

I do agree with Nancy. Do not let this ruin your wedding. Enjoy this event. For most people, this only happens once. Sometimes, weddings bring out the worst in families. But keep in the front of your mind, write it down even. The wedding is the begininng of a marriage, a man & woman are being joined together as one. The start of a new family is one of the happiest events to happen. Enjoy it and remember-Bless & release. (Been woking on that with my MIL.)

 

[pampered.chris]

Okay so a little bit about my mom. My parents are still married and living in the same house, when my siblings and I were younger say under 14 she was a GREAT mom, very active in our lives, loving and wonderful, but after that 14 age when we became independent, she decided she was "done" with us. Here in the last few years she has kinda gone into a "mid-life" crisis sort of thing. She bought a Wii and the fit, an ipod, one of the 9" laptops, guitar hero, dance, dance revolution. It is like she is regressing into a teenager. She is very selfish with her time and all she can talk about is Mafia Wars and Vampire whatever. I don't play games, am not interested in playing them and am not interested in her teenage regression. My mother is starting to show my 12 (soon to be 13) year old that she doesn't have time for her. My sisters sons are 4 & 2 and my mother finds it a bother to be around them.

So now I go to get married and my man did everything "right". He called and spoke to BOTH my mom and dad and got their permission to marry me. And instead of her being happy or excited I get a blah attitude from her like she is bored with the entire thing. I have never been married or engaged so it isn't like she is "waiting" for this to end. I am the happiest I have ever been with my life. The AMAZING guy in it is just a added bonus!

I can understand if she isn't in a position to pay for the wedding, fine, no big deal. What I have a problem with is the way that she made it known that she wouldn't pay. I mean really, she says to me "I only ever planned to pay for 2 weddings and I paid for both of your sisters, so I won't pay for yours. But the mother of the bride is the hostess of the event." COME ON! Like I am seriously going to allow her to take credit for my hard work especially after she says something like that?!

Maybe the woman is seriously demented...or maybe it is the whole high intelligence, low common sense thing that made her say something like that. But my biggest problem is that if she doesn't want to be involved, fine, but I don't want our day to be ruined by me seeing her acting like she did everything for our wedding and paid for it all, b/c she will, she is very much about appearances and how she looks to everyone else. I will be very upset and angry if she takes on the role as the "Hostess of the wedding/reception" knowing that she wanted nothing to do with it. I will lock her in a closet.

I don't know how to approach her about this. I know I need to though.

Oh and yes, I do have wonderful friends that understand what my mother is like and are very supportive but they don't know how to handle this either and keep telling me to ignore her. But I don't think the problem will fix itself unless I stand in front of her telling her to remember me, I am your daughter and technically you have to love me, even if you don't like me, and it would be great if you even faked some happiness and excitement for me!

UGH!!!!

 

[BethCooks4U]

Congratulations Chris! I wish you the best.

I won't even go into the drama of my story but let me just say I feel your pain.

I would definitely say something to her about how you feel. How are you at putting your feelings on paper? Sometimes writing it down helps you get the right words out in a way that the other person can actually hear them.

Once you have expressed your feelings and disapointment, if she is still saying the same things, remind her that it is YOUR wedding. Then ask a friend or family member that you can confide in to help you. Tell them what's happening, how you feel, and ask them to help keep mom out of your line of sight at the wedding.

No matter who plans and who pays she is the mother of the bride. Give her that. Try not to be watching what she does at the wedding. Concentrate on your new husband and your friends - create your own buffers. Shake your head or roll your eyes if you catch her going too far but don't allow it to ruin anything and keep smiling. Make it something you and your new DH laugh about. Remember YOU are the focus of the day - if you do see her "acts up" just think of that as the "glitch" that every event has to have and keep your smile on.

 

[colegrovet]

Congratulations Chris! I wish you the best.

Sounds like you may have to be blunt with your mom.. no pay.. no say.. no hostess....
It's your wedding.. your day to shine!!!...

My daughter was married back in Sept. Her future mother-in-law tried to dictate things for the wedding.. I stopped that quick.. she pouted for a month or so.. but I didn't care.. I was the one with the $$ for the weddding and it wasn't her say.

 

[legacypc46]

(((HUGS))) Chris.

You can subtlely (sp?) take hosting control (and credit) of your wedding. When you design your invitations, you can word it such that you and your fiance are clearly the hosts. Something like: "John Smith and Chris Moshier request the honor of your presence as they exchanged vows of marriage...." (Same with 'save the date' announcements if you send them.)

Over the next year, you can quietly continue to convey the message. Let your dear and close friends know that you can't really count on your mom for a loving bridal shower, so they can take the lead on that.

As for the actual week/day, I think Becky's suggestion is wonderful!!!

Lastly, if you are getting married in a church, this situation is something you could consider sharing with your pastor. He (or she) may be able to gently engage your Mom and provide her a mirror in which to see the impact of her selfish indifference.

If it helps, remember you have lots of CS friends who are excited about your wedding!
leggy

P.S. Without going into details, wedding control issues led us to simply elope. We used the money we put aside for the wedding to pay for a wonderful cruise to Alaska instead.

 

[Jolie_Paradoxe]

Congrats! Sending you good wishes and praying for a quick and easy resolution! Focus on how wonderful you feel about the engagement....do not let anyone, even your mom, take the joy of this great event. I learned that the hard way....a little background, just the highlights!

When I got engaged, my MIL spent a good 6 months trying to convince me that I was perhaps not "picking" the right one! LOL She lived thousands of miles away, but wanted to have a say in everything! She criticized every choice and insisted she be a part of everything. I finally allowed her to take care of getting the favors together, and even sent her the funds for the material.....

She arrives a week before the wedding....no favors, no money....but a beautiful hairstyle....she had to look good for the wedding, didn't she? Night before the wedding, my mom, sis and I were up putting some favors together!

My cousin designed a GORGEOUS wedding cake for me....night before, MIL in the kitchen, and the cake "topples" over....oh, she also pulled out her camera to take pics of the destroyed mess! I've received 3 different stories in regards to that. She wore black to the wedding....which she picked after having a relative of mine spend days taking her all over the city....she didn't have time to shop while at home....


Lastly, she stopped the wedding march, while I was walking down the aisle, so she could take a picture!

Moral? I spent too much time frustrated with her actions that I did not get to enjoy my wedding day....don't let that happen. If you can, talk to your mom kindly. Let her know you're ok with her not paying and that you want her to be a part of the process....something the two of you share. Don't worry about the credit or who is the "hostess". She may be upset that she can not pay and so is acting like a pouty teen? After that talk, let her give you "advice" and then do exactly what YOU want. Kind of like all that well meaning advice you may have gotten as a new mommy. Do what works for you....vent when you need, then let it go. YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!!! WHOO HOO!!! IT'S TIME AND CAUSE FOR CELEBRATING AND REJOICING!

 

[robochick84]

I AM FEELING YOUR PAIN CURRENTLY!
::HUGS::

We are planning our January 2, 2010 wedding and are doing so in about 2.5 months. We are adults who have decided to take the costs on ourselves because we knew no one would be helping us at all. However, some of the comments that I have received from MOB and MOG are just nervey at best.

MOG thinks that I need to be her personal assistant since she has 8 children and I need to accomodate her every need. Dresses, tuxes, hair, hotel, babysitter, food, etc. Sorry - I gave you contact information for everything - I even planned and scheduled a lot of it. When I received a response to an email that I sent that I had scheduled her hair appointment for her, she responded that it wouldn't work for her and DD because it was too early in the morning! WTF!


All I can say is..... GOOD LUCK!!!!!

 

[chefsteph07]

Congrats! Sending you good wishes and praying for a quick and easy resolution! Focus on how wonderful you feel about the engagement....do not let anyone, even your mom, take the joy of this great event. I learned that the hard way....a little background, just the highlights!

When I got engaged, my MIL spent a good 6 months trying to convince me that I was perhaps not "picking" the right one! LOL She lived thousands of miles away, but wanted to have a say in everything! She criticized every choice and insisted she be a part of everything. I finally allowed her to take care of getting the favors together, and even sent her the funds for the material.....

She arrives a week before the wedding....no favors, no money....but a beautiful hairstyle....she had to look good for the wedding, didn't she? Night before the wedding, my mom, sis and I were up putting some favors together!

My cousin designed a GORGEOUS wedding cake for me....night before, MIL in the kitchen, and the cake "topples" over....oh, she also pulled out her camera to take pics of the destroyed mess! I've received 3 different stories in regards to that. She wore black to the wedding....which she picked after having a relative of mine spend days taking her all over the city....she didn't have time to shop while at home....


Lastly, she stopped the wedding march, while I was walking down the aisle, so she could take a picture!

Moral? I spent too much time frustrated with her actions that I did not get to enjoy my wedding day....don't let that happen. If you can, talk to your mom kindly. Let her know you're ok with her not paying and that you want her to be a part of the process....something the two of you share. Don't worry about the credit or who is the "hostess". She may be upset that she can not pay and so is acting like a pouty teen? After that talk, let her give you "advice" and then do exactly what YOU want. Kind of like all that well meaning advice you may have gotten as a new mommy. Do what works for you....vent when you need, then let it go. YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!!! WHOO HOO!!! IT'S TIME AND CAUSE FOR CELEBRATING AND REJOICING!

Laurie, I am so sorry about this! What kind of relationship do you have w/ your MIL now???
And what did you do about the cake???

 

[raebates]

Chris, first of all--Congratulations! I'm very happy for you.Second, you've gotten a lot of good advice here. Keep the lines of communication open. Pick a friend or two (maybe someone a little closer to your mom's age) to be your Excited Mom. (I've been that for a few young people through the years when their own moms couldn't or wouldn't get excited about something in their lives.). Have someone keep an eye out for your mom during the event. Don't let this ruin things for you. Her issues are her issues. You're starting a new phase in your life, and you have every right to do this in the way that best suits you and your sweetie.

 

[Jolie_Paradoxe]

Laurie, I am so sorry about this! What kind of relationship do you have w/ your MIL now???
And what did you do about the cake???

No worries...it was a wedding to remember....my friends and family are still talking about it and it was over 5 years ago! LOL I ran to a bakery, ordered 3 plain cakes, different sizes....rented some pillars, popped some gorgeous flowers and voila! It was simple but still beautiful....I was more upset that my cousin worked on it for so long, and it was painstakingly detailed and that no one got to enjoy it.

I learned she's just a certain kind of personality! We do well, for the most part. She calls me 2-3 times a week and I lend her my ear.

She "LOVES" me and continuously tells me her son is lucky....then she tries and find a way to cause tension. My hubby and I have learned not to allow her to trigger any problems between us.

When she visits, usually for 2-3 months at a time, we start off well. There's usually 1 confrontation that I stand firm and then all is well. I've learned she's an unhappy person and that helps me stay considerate. She's learned I'm direct and outspoken. We have an understanding now....it makes it easier for the both of us.

 

[MissChef]

I have to come back and read this later! I have to go get my kids ready for school!!!
But Chris.... I wanted to say congratulations!!! you deserve that and i'm so sorry for what your mom is putting you through!!!
I will read this later and then think about it and then add my thoughts!! in the mean time I will pray for you and your mother!!! She needs a checkup from the neck up!! Thats what my pastor says all the time!!! But one of the best things one can do for her is to pray for her, because if anyone can change her heart, it's only going to be God!! I will pray for your peace and your happiness as you plan and draw closer to your wedding date!
Congrats on finding a wonderful man for you and your daughter!:love:

 

[cheflorraine]

Congratulations on your engagement Chris!!! Engagement time is such a special time in a relationship...
I'm so sorry about your mom - will be praying for you and for her.
What is your fiancee's mom like? Is she in the position of taking some of that 'caring mom' role?
I can't offer any advice on the wedding planning... mine was a lot easier than a lot of others!
But I will suggest that we often focus way too much on planning the wedding and not enough on planning our marriage. We had a long-distance relationship (I was in Bolivia, he was in Canada for most of our engagement), but we read a few really good marriage books (one superb one was "The Five Love Languages") and discussed them on the phone, and did some premarital counseling sessions on the phone as well (answered questions separately and then discussed). These really helped to get our marriage off to a great start... That is also a good way of discussing in-laws/family issues in advance, and deciding what your boundaries are going to be.
A wedding is only one day, marriage is a lifetime!But again - CONGRATS!!! Take time to enjoy this special time with each other!Btw - how did he propose?? Would you be willing to share your story? (I'm know I'm not the only romantic one here who LOVES proposal stories... )

 

[pcchefjane]

You may consider the "writing out of the issues" then mailing it to her. Maybe she will see a little of your "pain"...but then maybe not but you can't say you didn't try. I think you should definitely word the invitations to say your names and not your parents so it is clear who paid. I will keep you all in my prayers that she doesn't make your wedding such misery! Maybe she'll realize what she is doing... Have you talked to your sisters about her? Do you remember if she was a jerk at their weddings as well?

 

[pampered.chris]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I know I need to talk to my mom, but I just don't know how to talk to her so she will listen. She doesn't like to do anything that she doesn't want to do. Which includes listening.
pcchefjane: I only have one sister, she has gotten married twice. So that is where the whole "I only planned to pay for two weddings and I already did that" came from. My mom only planned to pay for two weddings because she had two daughters and she paid for both of my sisters and then said that to me 4 days after I got engaged.
I know she wants me to involve her, or at least I think she does, but really, when she is so negative why would I want her to be involved? I mean really, how many of you have said this is supposed to be "the happiest time" and I can't have it be happy and have my mom involved...trust me, it won't work.
But I will sit down and talk to her, it may not be a great heart-to-heart moment, but it will happen. I am heavily considering the "babysitter" at the wedding for her. My sister LOVES that idea and offered suggestions as to possible people to ask to do that.
I am at the point though that I don't want to even discuss my wedding with my mother though b/c she has such an "i don't care" attitude that it makes me upset and I don't want to be upset so I have quit talking to her about it. But maybe I can talk to my dad and then when my mom starts complaining to him about me, he can tell her what is wrong. Not that that will go smooth, b/c they don't really like each other, but then again, them fighting would be nothing new.
UGH!!
But on the up note, someone asked for the "proposal story" so here goes. My man was in Biloxi all summer and he had driven there from our home, so when it was time for him to be allowed to come home I flew down to drive home with him. My flight was delayed and so I got there an hour late. We went out to dinner and he was telling me how he had wanted to take me to the beach to watch the sunset but my flight was late and I landed during the sunset. So after dinner we were leaving to head back to the base and he got in the car and was just sitting there. He was getting mad at the lady in the car next to us on her cell phone. I couldn't understand it so I was like, what do you care what she does, let's go. So he starts out of the parking lot and SLAMS on the brakes to the car and opens the doors (all 4 doors) and is "looking" for something. I was looking too, while saying to him "I don't know what you are looking for or why it can't wait until we get back to the base, seriously did you have to stop in the middle of the parking lot" and I turned around to look out my open car door and he was on one knee and had a ring in a box and he was shaking and asked me to marry him. I was beyond shocked. I kissed him and kept saying "Are you sure? Have you lost your mind? Oh my God. Really? Are you sure? Have you lost your mind? Did you go insane?" He was patiently waiting to hear a "yes" but I was so shocked that it didn't come for about a minute. When he went to put the ring on me, I pulled my hand back and asked him again if he was sure and if he had lost his mind. haha!! But all in all, it was perfect!
We had discussed marriage, but I didn't think it would happen until we had at least sold his house and was totally surprised. Hence, my reaction! He later told me that he had planned it for all the ways I wanted. 1. He called my parents and got both of their permissions. 2. He was on bended knee. 3. It was a random day (not a holiday or birthday) 4. No one was around
So it was amazing and perfect to me. I just felt bad that I was yelling at him to get back in the car and look for whatever it was later. Haha!!

 

[akrebecca]

I love when the 'moment' is intimate. To me it means a lot more when there is no huge production & hoopla involved in the proposal. Just a simple 'I love you. Will you be my wife/husband?' :love:

Best wishes in whatever you do with your mom.

P.S. Don't forget...you can always 'elope'.

 

[Tropicalburstqt2]

Chris, your list of the way you wanted it is practically the same as mine. I told my DH that when he proposed he had better ask my father first, it couldn't be on a holiday or a birthday, & I better be only him & I. He didn't get on his knee, but that's only because I told him I wasn't getting out of the car & that he'd better shut the door because it was too cold outside. I thought for sure that I would already know wayyyy in advance that he was going to ask me to marry him & that there would be no way he could be able to pull it off, but sure enough, he did. Gotta love surprises!!

 

[WLMcCoy]

If she is not paying, then why would she get to decide on the guest list?

When I was younger, I had a dear friend get married...and her biggest fear was that her mom was going to take over the day, create drama, and make the day about her. (she was a drama queen who thought that everything shoud be about her!) It was a simple wedding, and my part in it was a reading near the beginning of the ceremony. Since I was around for all of the pre-wedding stuff, my friend asked it I would mind "watching" her mom. So I became her mom's babysitter for the week, and especially on the wedding day. I kept her occupied and distracted, so that Tamara's wedding could be the beautiful day that she had planned.

Maybe you have a friend who could act as a buffer like this for you too?

My thoughts, too. If she is not helping paying, why does she get to make decisions. It would be different if she couldn't afford, too, but since she is being rude, it's different. Maybe I'm a little too tough love & hold a grudge. I would not involve her in any part of any of the planning until she changed her tune. Good Luck & lots of hugs, it must be difficult!

 

[kcmckay]

Chris first congrats I'm so happy for you! I love weddings! I'm actively helping my brother and future SIL plan theirs! Anyway I'm sorry you are going through this. I can say regarding what I've read in between the lines of your posts about your parents I think I had a similar situation and totally get it. Unfortunately my mom passed away before DH and I were even engaged. So I didn't have her there at all which would have been great and was hard but I got through. I won't get into the dad situation.

We also paid for our wedding completely by ourselves and because of that we did what we wanted and invited who we could afford to feed. Luckily for me his parents really didn't try to interfere too much. They went the traditional route which is why they offered no financial backing; because it's the brides family's responsibility; besides paying for rehearsal dinner and gave us a sizeable check as a gift. Anyway I'm getting off track.

While I don't know exactly what you are going through, still find a way to enjoy this process. You've found the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't let anyone else ruin your moment! Do what you can to make the best of situation. Good luck and if you ever want to "talk" uncomfortable living situations with parents don't hesitate to pm me.