toHave or Not to Have a Second Child

[jrstephens]

Me and my husband are in the process of trying to decide whether or not we went to get pregnant again. We have been praying for God to show us His will and trying to decide.

Our son, Luke, will be 3 in July. It is so nice that he is getting a little self sufficient. And he only slept 3 -4 hours in a 24 hour period for the first 4 months, and I have nightmares of that happening again! And those 3 - 4 hours stared about 3 am to 6 am. Of course it was WORTH it! He still is not the best sleeper and I worry about the next one sleeping like him and him not being a good sleep either. If had not of been for my mom, I think me and my husband would have just killed over from no sleep during those months. And the doctor said he did not have colic.

And I know this sounds awful but I hate to have to make him share us!! And I worry about loving 2 children the same amount! I WOULD NEVER want to have favorites. My husband is the middle child and his parents have middle child syndrome BAD! And I never want a child of mine to go through that!

And I think about all we do for Luke and hate to have to cut some of it out! I know I am sure we would just cut other things out and do the a lot for both of them. I just do not want him to think having a sibling took things away from him. Does that make sense?

Luke says he wants a bother/sister but of course he is not old enough to realize you cannot take it back when he gets tired of it!

I know this sounds selfish but I am sure others of you have gone through these same feelings.

I am 31 and if we are going to have another one we want to go ahead and do it before I get too old! ha! My husband is 30. My plans were always to be finished having children by the time I turned 30 but with my husband playing college football we had to wait to get married and I was 25 when we got married and we wanted to wait a little while after we got married to spend time together just the two of us before we started a family, so, I am a little behind my plans I thought of for years. I know I am in God's plan though and that is what is most important.

Give me your opinion ladies! Most all give God your prayers for me for Him to lead us to the right decision that He wants us to make. And to hit me upside the head with it, not a "still small voice"!!! ha!

 

[gilliandanielle]

I say go for it! Your fears are all normal- as I had the same exact ones!

My DD (my first) was very colicky and up every 2-3 hours until 8 MONTHS!! I was terrified that my second child would be the same way. Every pregnancy, delivery, and child is different, so don't worry about that!!

I did get pregnant quickly after my DD started sleeping through the night (wonder why, LOL!!??) and then my pregnancy hormones made the "enough love" fears worse. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and crying for over an hour because I was "stripping" my daughter of her princess status and taking away love from her.

My daughter turned three at Christmas and is still as much of a princess as she ever was! My son will be 2 in May and my DD was never jealous or "less-loved" because of his presence. They are BEST FRIENDS and it is so hard to split them up because they get so bored without each other.

I don't think that you should succumb to pressure from others to have more than one if it truly isn't what you want, but if you do want another then your kids are only getting farther apart the longer you wait.

P.S.- My DH told me that he didn't want kids after he was 30, and I found out I was pregnant this time 6 weeks before his birthday. I told him I was pregnant by asking him if the 30 cutoff was conception or delivery...

 

[Kitchen2u]

Jennifer ~

I think you and your husband are thinking along the lines of a lot of parents who only have one. My husband and I did too.

You will be AMAZED how my love you two have to give. It's not like you're going to "short" Luke of some, your love just grows! Kinda of like a flower bed...you plant it, nuture it, and the flowers get bigger and keep growing!

When we were deciding what to do, this is what made us go for #2 ~ "How sad is it for Ryan (my DS) to be here alone when we pass..." We had to think about HIM not us.

Your life will be more hectic, sure because you will want to do for BOTH children. You won't have favorites...but what you will have is favorite aspects of each child. I love how Ryan is always smiling and happy, has the right thing to say, is caring...the list can go on! Then I love how Robyn keeps us in perspective, witty, driven, and happy with who she is ~ and tis list can go on too. They are 6 years apart (on purpose, that's another long story ~ 50 hours of labor ughh) ~ my fear was they wouldn't be "close" siblings ~ well, we did something right, because they are VERY close (22 yrs and almost 16).

It's basically the parenting, values and trust you instill in your children. But you and your husband will have to do what's right for you. Don't worry about not having enough love ~ you'll be amazed how much you have to offer. Sure there will be days you may think "OMG" ~ but the family will get through it. In the end ~ whatever you decide ~ it will be worth it!

Ginny

 

[jenniferknapp]

My brother is 2 years older than me, and we are so supportive of eachother. When we were little, we played GI-Joe rescues Barbie over and over for hours on end.... Good luck with your decision, and have fun

 

[pcjulie]

I remember feeling guilty for being pregnant with my second baby, but now that my kids are 8, 6, and almost 3, the positives far outweigh the negatives. When I wanted a third and my husband wasn't so sure, I really prayed hard about it and when my husband and I discussed it, we realized that we would never regret having a child, but we may regret not having another one someday.

I have talked to a number of parents who have one child and they say that social situations are more difficult for their children (playdates, school, etc.) because they don't have the practice at home, and they are used to have undivided attention which they don't always get elsewhere.

I'm not saying that having a child is a bad thing, but I think that the benefits of having siblings are so important!

 

[mommyhugz1978]

Jennifer,
I am not that much younger than you I am 29 and my Husband is turning 34 this year. I have a five year old from my frist marriage but my husband has no children what so ever. After much prayer, and soul searching we deiced that adding to our family would probley be a good idea. Ya'll are going to think I am werid when I say this next part... But we also knew that it might be time becasue both of us kept having dreams of a child calling out for us. Call me werid but we decided that it was the lord letting us know that it was alright to add to our family. I often times worry if my daughter is going to be jealous of another baby, but I have a feeling that is not the case becasue she keeeps asking when she is going to have a brother or sister to play with. Which aleaves some thoughts on my part, I am the youngest in my family and all of my siblings are very much older than I, my mom had me when she was 39 yes I did say 39!! I have a sister that is 9 1/2 years older than me, a sister that is 16 years older than me, and a sister that is 19 1/2 years older than me, I think you guys can do the math on how old they are if I am 29. But I never felt like myparents gave my siblings more or less love than I recieved...or my siblings thought that... We are all really close, my sisters are my best friends next to my Husband.

God has a plan for each of us.... a children are one of the most preicious gifts we will recieve from him.

I hope that it helps and good luck in your decision and have fun.....

 

[pamperedgirl3]

I am PG with #2 right now & had many of the same fears you have when we were deciding on having more. Like you, I had always planned on being done by 30 (just turned 30 last month so that's not going to happen!), but I think that is part of the fun of life--you can't plan it! I baby-sit my nephew who is 18 months older than my DD & until January used to watch my nephew who is 8 months younger than DD. She wakes up every morning asking where her cousin is & just loves playing all day with him. I want her to have that with a brother or sister too. I have a brother & sister & we are all really close (their kids are the ones I watch(ed)) & I want my kids to have that closeness too.

But this is definitely a choice you have to make for yourselves! There are some couples out there who do not want or can't have any children, those who decide one is enough & those who have many, many more. You'll just have to figure out where you are on that scale! But know that the love will come--my friends with a couple kids have said that it just automatically grows. Plus--if you are aware of the "favorite" syndrome, then you can choose not to have it! Good luck with your choice!

 

[ChefBeckyD]

My DH and I went thru all of the same questions you are going thru now.....and also the worries of leaving Micah alone if something should happen to both of us......but I was 39, and my DH was 46 when we had our son....so if you are worried about your age playing a part in it, you still have many years ahead of you to make that decision! I am 41 now, almost 42, and we have decided that Micah will be our only child (unless God decides differently!). We realize that there are challenges to being an only child - but hey - there are challenges that come with just living......so we will be the best parents possible for our little guy, and call it good. He does ask about having a baby sister quite often, but I think it's cause his "Uncle Rog" (good friend of ours) keeps putting it in his head! He's not even sure what a sister is - he keeps telling people that mommy & daddy are sisters......

We have a couple of friends who are only children, and the only issue that seems to really come up with them is parent care as their parents age.....

 

[cat]

My first son was a TERRIBLE sleeper as well. At 14 months, he was still waking up 5 to 7 times each night!!! I was so worried that the second one would be the same, but NOPE, he LOVES TO SLEEP! My older son is now 4 and sleeps a straight 11-12 hours a night (thought this day would never come!) and my younger one is almost 2 and sleeps 10-11 hours a night and naps 2-3 hours each day. I realized that time really does pass by quickly and before you know it, the kids will be in school and YOU HAVE TO WAKE THEM UP IN THE MORNING! So don't worry about the sleepless nights...you may not have them and if you do, it'll go by pretty fast!

I have also talked to people who have had to care for elderly parents and they tell me it's SOOO much easier when they have siblings (the more the better!).

As for me, I personally wanted to have 4 children because I feel like a bigger family is more fun...there's always something going on! I only have one brother and growing up was fun with him, but I thought if I had a sister or other brothers to play with, it would have been great!
I only have 2 boys right now, but we are planning on having a 3rd maybe next year (if God blesses us with another!) and we'll see about #4...Maybe God will give us twins? Hehe..wishful thinking!

 

[chefkristin]

I am going through the same thing. We have one son now who will be 5 in August. Sometimes I think do I really want to go back there. But Ethan keeps asking for a brother or sister. He actually told me he wants one of each and a dog and a bunk bed. He said he will sleep on the top with his brother and his sister can sleep on the bottom and the dog can sleep under the bed. What an imagination this kids has. Only time will tell and if I am meant to have more than one I will.

 

[PampMomof3]

Great Advice so far! I say GO FOR IT!! WE definitely wanted 2 but were done at 2. Well GOD had another plan for us and gave us the little girl we so desperately wanted! SO we have 2 boys who are 4 and 6 and our daughter is 2!

 

[Chef_2_Four]

I don't think you would regret a second child. Mine are less than a year apart! We had a suprise baby! Ben & Layla fight, but they get along so good! They have someone there for them to play with, etc. When I found out I was pregnant with Layla I worried, but not about having a second child but just having one so soon. But you know it was God's plan for us to have her when we did. I have no favorites. I love them equally, yes each one touches my heart in different ways, but they are two different people. Layla was a completely different baby from Ben. He always wanted to be rocked to sleep, he ate every 3 hours on the dot (you could set a watch to his feeding schedule), he didn't start walking or crawling until 11 months! He was a huge baby and it killed me being 8 months pregnant and toting him! Layla on the other hand always wanted to fall asleep on her own, she never ate at the same time, she crawled at 9 months. My point is you shouldn't worry about is the next one going to be the same, but how will he or she be different. Yes they may be the same but in many ways they will be different. I'm not going to tell you, you should have another baby because that is between you and your husband. But you should continue praying about it. I will pray for you that you will get your answer that you are looking for. Please don't let anyone "pressure" you into having another child. That is what I am getting now from friends and family. I have to politely tell them to back off. I would love to have another, I just don't know if it's what we need especially right now since DH is a FT student with no job. I'm sorry I want off!! I will pray for you!!

 

[jrstephens]

We're not being pressured. Of course we get the question of when are you going to have the next one. But then as soon as we got married we were acked when are you going to have hte first one. I have decided no matter what people are always going to ask what you are doing or not doing and stick their noses in it.

I dearly loved being pregnant and feeling my son in my stomach. I still miss the kicking and moving around at times! Of course I do not miss the morning sickness or miagraine! ha! I still have a habit of sleeping with my hand on my stomach like I did when I was pregnant.

We will keep praying that is for sure. We said we wanted to decide by April but I think we are going to give it another month. I have this thing of trying to get pregnant in the months that we will NOT have a baby in Dec or Jan b/c we have so many birthdays during those months plus Christmas. I want my children's birthday to be apart from any other holiday, so, we can do what ever we want for them on their day. I know, I know I have been told how crazy I am for that but that is me! I want the attention to be focused on them on their birthday! I have twin nephews who were born the day after Christmas and most of the time it is like "ok here's your Christmas present and here's your birthday present." Plus, we have 4 birthdays in January of me, my husband, my brother and a nephew.

Thanks for everyone's advice. Hearing all the positives and reassurance of loving them really does make me feel more at ease if we are told by God to go forward.

My husband says I already know the answer but am just putting it off b/c I am not wanting to hear now if the time, but he is doing the same thing! It really does get funny when we talk about it. Of course I was this scared with the first one and almost threw up when I took the test and we had been trying for 6 months. I really had not been good with kids but now I love playing with them and doing stuff with them now that I have my own. I think I just did not know how to do it!!

Keep it coming ladies!

 

[ivykeep]

I think that's a decision only you and your husband can make, since you as parents and your family dynamic are going to be differnt than anyone elses.

I can say that I personally am glad that I'm not an only child (boy, am I not an only -- I'm the oldest of 9 -- I'm 37 and my youngest brother is 15) but my cousin, who is an only child doesn't feel that he is because we were raised so closely together. He always wanted a sibling but because if delivery issues his mom couldn't get pregnant again, so he was happy with close cousins.

I have a 1 year old and hope to get pregnant again soon. DH (Dear Husband) and I discussed before she was born, our desire that she has siblings and agreed that we will probably adopt when we can't have more kids. Our daughter won't be an only child even if I don't get pregnant again since age is a factor (my mom was 44 when my brother was born so hopefully I have a few more years left).

My husband has one younger sister and we both agree that having siblings was very important to us -- for the socialization skills we learned as children, to the common bond we have as we age and deal with out parents aging and ultimately dying. I dated a man who was an only child of only children and when his parents die he will be all alone -- no siblings and no cousins.

Only you can make this choice for what is right for your family, but love doesn't get divide with more children -- it fills in and expands. And your children not only have your love, but also the love and attention of their siblings... so in my opinion, love and attention isn't divided among larger families but instead grows exponentially since the parents aren't the only ones giving it.

 

[DebbieSAChef]

Children are a blessing!No matter how many or if they are boys or girls, children are a blessing. Personally I have never felt that it is ok to only have one child if someone can physically, without dangerous health complications of course, have more. I mean people say things about money issues, or they are too busy, but I feel that children are the most important thing in the world. Of all our possessions, children are the only thing we can actually take to heaven with us. LOL

Not that I am trying to put down parents of only one child, especially when their first child kept them up all night and deprived them of sleep and routines parents are used to when they are single, but sacrificing some things in life for the greater good is always what I recommend. We can all go without some things in order to bring precious life into this world. I know people who can't physically have any more kids and they are saddened by that. I also know women who can never have kids and are sadly barren their entire lives. I plan on having children until the Lord gives us peace to stop or stops the process for us in my body. That's our personal conviction about children, but I have a friend who is an only child and she says she was miserable. I know an only child is not lacking attention but a sibling is a treasure that all kids should experience.

My parents told me time and time again because my father was raised by an abusive, neglectful mother who favored some kids over others, that it would be hard to love all the children the same! LOL
That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. All my kids are different, they look different, talk differently, learn differently, and have different personalities but not one is favored above the others.
It's kind of like PC tools, I have so many "favorites" I can't possibly pick just one. What one tool is really good for, another tool cannot do but is great for something else. The minute they were born I loved them and will continue to love them until I die. I say go for it! I mean my daughter will be three in May and loves her 16 month old brother. Granted they don't always get along, she looks for him and plays with him all the time. Our household would not be complete without him according to her. And this new baby #5 will be no different. Just my two cents.

Debbie

 

[DebbieSAChef]

Here are some pics of my kidsHere is a picture of Naomi and Isaac, best buds on our living room chair.

Michael my oldest creating a mouse in the house cupcake at our kid's cooking class last year.

Nicole posing at her birthday party last Sept.

http://s153.photobucket.com/albums/s208/MD4Christ/

Debbie

 

[gilliandanielle]

Your kids are adorable Debbie- I can see why you want more!

 

[DebbieSAChef]

Kids picsThank you Gillian. You are so sweet. I would love to see pics of everyone's kids. But I don't want to hijack this thread so maybe someone can start a new thread with pics!

Debbie

 

[jrstephens]

Your kids are adorable Debbie!

I have some pics of my son that are suppose to be delivered in the next few weeks and I am going to upload them to my yahoo pics. To upload pics I have to go to my MIL's who has DSL b/c my internet is so slow.

I would love to see another thread with people posting pics!

 

[etteluap70PC]

I was not going to chime in on this one but now I will.

I agree how many children you have is a very personal decision.
I grew up an only child and I admit it was not the most fun. Times were different. Parents were not as involved and my mom worked. ( do now have step siblings thst I am close with but the closest to me is 7 years younger and we never lived together)
I now have 2 children myself and it was a big decision for my husband and I. He grew up very poor and one of 5 kids. He wants more for his kids and said for a long time he would be happy with one child. I in my heart always knew I wanted 2. But I knew If it did not work out and I only had 1 that I would do things very different than my parents did. I would make sure my child was involved and socialized with others their own age from an early age. I know people who only have one child or were only children and are very happy with their lives. It just depends on the kind of life you build for you and your family.

I know I will probably get blasted for this next part but this statement really upsets me
"Personally I have never felt that it is ok to only have one child if someone can physically, without dangerous health complications of course, have more."
Why is it not ok if that is what is best for them and their family?

Everyone is entilted to their opinion and I do respect others for having large families yet I know that is not in my families best interests. Does that make me not "OK" in the big scheme of things?

Sory to ramble on.... this just hit a very personal nerve with me....
I am not upset or angry. Please do not read any contempt into this post. I just wanted to make my feelings known..

 

[sslangley]

My brother is 2 years older than me, and we are so supportive of eachother. When we were little, we played GI-Joe rescues Barbie over and over for hours on end.... Good luck with your decision, and have fun

That is too funny, by brother and I are 3 years apart. We used to play the same thing.... Hahaha...

 

[sslangley]

We have been asking ourselves the same question. But technically we have 2 children, one with us and one in heaven. But we want 2 with us. We have talked about having another one several times. But we are still scared. Our daughter turned 3 on March 2nd. We wanted to be done at 30 too. We will both be 31 this summer. So, we still haven't decided if or when we will try again. It's in God's hands.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

I think it's amusing that everyone wants to be "done" at 30.....and we didn't even "start" until I was 39 & my DH was 46....

 

[mommyhugz1978]

Here is a picture of Naomi and Isaac, best buds on our living room chair.

Michael my oldest creating a mouse in the house cupcake at our kid's cooking class last year.

Nicole posing at her birthday party last Sept.

http://s153.photobucket.com/albums/s208/MD4Christ/

Debbie

Your kiddos are so cute!! Thanks for sharing!!

 

[sslangley]

Here is a picture of Naomi and Isaac, best buds on our living room chair.

Michael my oldest creating a mouse in the house cupcake at our kid's cooking class last year.

Nicole posing at her birthday party last Sept.

http://s153.photobucket.com/albums/s208/MD4Christ/

Debbie

They are adorable. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Jennie4PC]

I have 3 kids and I love them all the same. I am done unless the Lord see fit that I have another one. If I did get pregnant then I would know it was the Lord saying we needed one more since I have a bad valve I cant see me having more right now. I always said I was done with 3 and I had a feeling it was boy girl boy but my #3 was definitly a girl I would not trade my DD for anything but when 1 dr told me I was done I just sat there and bawled.

My mom was an only child and she always said that she wished that she could have a brother or sister she also did not have any cousins to play with.

But as others have said it definitly is the decision of you and your DH good luck.

 

[DebbieSAChef]

Didn't mean to upset you

I was not going to chime in on this one but now I will.

I agree how many children you have is a very personal decision.
I grew up an only child and I admit it was not the most fun. Times were different. Parents were not as involved and my mom worked. ( do now have step siblings thst I am close with but the closest to me is 7 years younger and we never lived together)
I now have 2 children myself and it was a big decision for my husband and I. He grew up very poor and one of 5 kids. He wants more for his kids and said for a long time he would be happy with one child. I in my heart always knew I wanted 2. But I knew If it did not work out and I only had 1 that I would do things very different than my parents did. I would make sure my child was involved and socialized with others their own age from an early age. I know people who only have one child or were only children and are very happy with their lives. It just depends on the kind of life you build for you and your family.

I know I will probably get blasted for this next part but this statement really upsets me
"Personally I have never felt that it is ok to only have one child if someone can physically, without dangerous health complications of course, have more."
Why is it not ok if that is what is best for them and their family?

Everyone is entilted to their opinion and I do respect others for having large families yet I know that is not in my families best interests. Does that make me not "OK" in the big scheme of things?

Sory to ramble on.... this just hit a very personal nerve with me....
I am not upset or angry. Please do not read any contempt into this post. I just wanted to make my feelings known..

I never meant to upset anyone with my comment. I am very sorry if you felt that I hit a nerve, but I feel very passionate about what I posted. It's true everyone can decide what is best for them but I still feel that if someone can have kids they should. I am not saying people should have 10 or more, although I would like that if it's possible for our family. All I am saying is that two or more is great for the child to have a sibling.
For those who choose to have only one, well they have their reasons. Not enough money, not enough time, not enough experience as parents (we all fall into that one), but it all boils down to fear of something. I'm sorry if you took this opinion personally but I am being honest about how I feel. That doesn't make you less of a mother or less of a person to me, I just don't agree with it. Just like some parents spank, some don't.

There are many decisions we as families have to make in order to do what's best for our families. I just feel that children are a blessing and having more than one, when it's possible, is the best thing. Some people don't feel that way but I do. I think a big false idea we have in America is that children need the best designer jeans, the best toys, the best tennis shoes, and other material things. I once heard a friend's husband mention how his kids were putting him in the poor house and he didn't want anymore.
It's funny to imagine his three children, who are all under the age of 12 going to the mall with his credit card, and checkbook while he sits in the parking lot waiting for them to finish shopping! LOL
Kids need food, shelter, and most importantly LOVE. The most important thing in my household is that they grow up to love and serve Jesus Christ. The God who created them and who deserves to be glorified with our lives. Of course they don't go without, but we won't be taking out any loans or going into debt because so and so just got a new Xbox and we don't have one. LOL
Children will be such a blessing to us when we are old and we will have lots of grandchildren running around. Generations and generations of babies! What a joy and I can't wait!

Debbie

 

[DebbieSAChef]

Transformers

That is too funny, by brother and I are 3 years apart. We used to play the same thing.... Hahaha...

My brother is 3 years younger than me and he played with Transformers. So they always rescued my barbies. Plus his He-man doll always rescued my She-ra princess of power. LOL

These are some of the late 80's toys I remember:
I had a Gizmo plush that sqeaked when you squeezed it. A strawberry shortcake lunch box, a couple of smurfs, and a Rainbow Brite doll. LOL

Debbie

 

[gratergirl]

I have 4 children. 2 boys that have grown up together (23 months apart) and then we had a girl. After she was 3 my husband wanted another. I was fine. Had my boys and girl. We tried for 8 months and finally got pregnant. We had our second daughter and I'm so glad....my older one and her (8 and 4) play barbies and all the girlie things together. She was definately a blessing for us and the whole family. After having her, I found out that I had cervical cancer (at my 6 week checkup after having her) I think that's why it took me so long to get pregnant. I am now cancer free....for 3 years now. Although I'm going to have the Novasure surgery done. It's a permanent procedure the doctor told me so I'm glad that we have what we have. I think that Luke would love to have some company to play with. I say GO FOR IT! Good luck and God Bless!

 

[DebbieSAChef]

That's great news!

I have 4 children. 2 boys that have grown up together (23 months apart) and then we had a girl. After she was 3 my husband wanted another. I was fine. Had my boys and girl. We tried for 8 months and finally got pregnant. We had our second daughter and I'm so glad....my older one and her (8 and 4) play barbies and all the girlie things together. She was definately a blessing for us and the whole family. After having her, I found out that I had cervical cancer (at my 6 week checkup after having her) I think that's why it took me so long to get pregnant. I am now cancer free....for 3 years now. Although I'm going to have the Novasure surgery done. It's a permanent procedure the doctor told me so I'm glad that we have what we have. I think that Luke would love to have some company to play with. I say GO FOR IT! Good luck and God Bless!

I am glad to hear you are cancer FREE! The Lord is so good and merciful. It is good to hear that your family is now complete. Hope everything with the surgery goes well. Keep us posted we will be praying for you.

Debbie