Should We Co-Sleep with Our Scared Child?

[AJPratt]

So, our plan was never to have Mary sleep with us. I never liked the idea of co-sleeping. Until... the night she was scared. And, we brought her into bed with us, and snuggled. It doesn't happen every night, but most nights when she wakes up in the middle of the night, we bring her in with us. I don't know if its the trauma we went through, but I feel better when I know she's close and I know she's OK. I'm not talking about a battle of wills (that's getting her down for her nap!), where she is trying to get her way. There are nights she is really scared. What are your feelings on this?

 

[ChefBeckyD]

I think if she's scared, then she needs to be where she feels safe and secure.I never intended to co-sleep either, but my little guy was born premature, and the Dr actually told me to have him sleep skin to skin with me, for his own development...and besides that, because he was early, his room wasn't done yet. For 6 weeks, we slept skin to skin (him on my chest) and then he went into a bassinet next to me. (some nights, he also slept skin-to-skin with DH)
Eventually, he went into his own crib in his room, and he has always been a good sleeper, never fights or fusses about going to bed. Oh - but I also rocked him and sang to him and prayed with him every night until he was 4 yrs old. When he turned 4, he got his "big boy bed", and he told me he didn't need to be rocked anymore. :cry: Soooo, all those people who tell you to let the child cry it out? I think it's just wrong. As their parents, we represent our child's safety and sense of security, and need to make them feel safe and secure!He still has an occasional nightmare, and usually, all it takes is a little reassurance, and he lays back down and goes to sleep...but if he's really frightened, then he's allowed to come sleep with us. He's good about only coming in if he needs to, and I think that's because we've never done the "cry it out" method with him.Okay - that's my two cents...I'm sure there are some out there who will disagree, but DS is a happy, well-adjusted, pretty much fearless 5 year old...so I'm gald we did things the way we did.

 

[Sheila]

I missed the back story, but DO WHAT WORKS!3 of my nephews lived with me for 1.5 years. The youngest one was court ordered to have visitations with his father, who we later learned was living in various hotels throughout that time period. My 18 month old nephew was having LOTS of anxiety issues as a result. He would come through the house in the middle of the night just to verify that someone else was home. In retrospect, I think his father was leaving him alone in the hotel to go get drugs. I used to just sit & rock him until he was calm and then put him back to bed awake. It worked.Any type of trauma/insecurity issues just need to be handled as calmly as possible. Once she realizes that there's consistency and she starts to relax, she'll sleep better. My daughter didn't have any type of back story to justify having sleep problems, but still went through a brief stage around 18 months old where she just needed the comfort of someone nearby. We have a VERY high bed, so I've never let them into my bed (I'm not willing to deal with the injury from a fall). But my daughter has our guest bed in her room, so I have gone in there & laid down just to be in the same room with her, which was enough for her to lay back down in her bed & go to sleep. She's only gotten into the guest bed with me once. Then there have been a couple of times where I just held her for 2-3 minutes & then asked if she was ready to go back to bed. Many of the times, she said yes & went back down without a problem.My advice, don't do anything that you don't want to have to "break the habit" later. We never used pacifiers "just because" ... we only used them when they really needed something to tide them over until I could stop the car & make a bottle, finish shopping to feed them, etc. Both weaned on their own around 4 months old. I've never let them come to our bed, so I didn't have to wean them from that either. My daughter did have a REALLY hard time going to sleep anywhere except her own bed, but she adjusted on our 10 day trip to China when she was 10.5 months old & learned to sleep in our arms, the stroller, the backpack carrier, etc. My son is a little better about falling asleep in the car, but will fight it in public. He wants to go home to his bed too.But if you are dealing with trauma issues, I say just do what you need to do to survive the next few days/weeks and then slowly try to revert back to having her sleep in her bed.

 

[NooraK]

We co-slept until DS was about 6 months old. I loved it for the middle-of-the-night nursing, and the closeness. He slowly transitioned from our bed, to the pack-n-play next to my bed (at about 6 months when he started kicking more), and then to his own room (at about 11 months). I nursed for most of the first year, so even after the transition there were many nights I would get up, but at 16 months he's now sleeping just fine through the night. I found a lot of helpful information in the book The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. The biggest thing for us is the nighttime routine. DS hated going to sleep, and would fight it to the bitter end. DH would end up rocking him to sleep, and then getting up multiple times a night when he woke up. We've finally gotten to a point that (as long as we follow the routine) once I take him into his room, he'll let me set him in bed without a fuss, and he'll go to sleep even if I leave the room before he's fallen asleep. He still uses a binky (which also helps with the naps, because at least with me that's the only time he gets it), and we got a black-out curtain for his room.I think co-sleeping is a wonderful way to be close to your baby, and very natural. Elizabeth Pantley's book lays out some considerations to be aware of to make sure everything is safe. We didn't take out our bed and put the mattress on the floor, but we did pay attention to a lot of what's in there. You can always get one of those things you put in your bed with sides so that the baby is in bed with you, but has a separation if you're worried.

 

[chefcharity]

My son also co-slep with us. I was a caterer and woked 50 to 80 hours a week when he was a baby, so this was our bonding time. I never thought it was a problem and we always took precautions with the blankets and pillows so that it wasn't a safety issue.

It only became an issue as he got older. He just turned 5 and I FINALLY got him sleeping in his own bed. He JUSt got a bedtime because as a co-sleeper he went to bed when we did. So no alone time with my hubby.

I'll give you a tip on what got my son in his own bed... our mattresses are much more comfortable than baby/toddler mattresses. So, when it came time to move my son to his own bed, he kept waking up. We just bought twin beds with Serta mattresses and he sleeps great. He would wake up a couple times through the night at first and I just gave him a hug and put him back to bed. So, after all the times of trying to get him to stay in his toddler bed - the twin bed with comfy mattress finally worked. He has been in his own bed for a month now. YEA!!

I do not see anything wrong with co-sleeping. I will tell you my youngest is much more independent and doesn't want to co-sleep. He is more comfortable in his own space, so if you have more children they may not need this. To each their own! If it works for your family, then go for it! Just stay safe and be prepared to have to "break the habit" as someone else said.

Good luck!

I do miss our snuggle time though. But now I get a couple hours of quiet time with my husband.

 

[crystalscookingnow]

I think if she's scared, then she needs to be where she feels safe and secure.

I never intended to co-sleep either, but my little guy was born premature, and the Dr actually told me to have him sleep skin to skin with me, for his own development...and besides that, because he was early, his room wasn't done yet.

For 6 weeks, we slept skin to skin (him on my chest) and then he went into a bassinet next to me. (some nights, he also slept skin-to-skin with DH)
Eventually, he went into his own crib in his room, and he has always been a good sleeper, never fights or fusses about going to bed. Oh - but I also rocked him and sang to him and prayed with him every night until he was 4 yrs old. When he turned 4, he got his "big boy bed", and he told me he didn't need to be rocked anymore. :cry:

Soooo, all those people who tell you to let the child cry it out? I think it's just wrong. As their parents, we represent our child's safety and sense of security, and need to make them feel safe and secure!

He still has an occasional nightmare, and usually, all it takes is a little reassurance, and he lays back down and goes to sleep...but if he's really frightened, then he's allowed to come sleep with us. He's good about only coming in if he needs to, and I think that's because we've never done the "cry it out" method with him.


Okay - that's my two cents...I'm sure there are some out there who will disagree, but DS is a happy, well-adjusted, pretty much fearless 5 year old...so I'm gald we did things the way we did.

I totally agree with Becky.

 

[pampered1224]

Anne - you know I do not have kids. But every thing in me says go for it. I do a lot of things by instinct and I think or rather know you all do the same as parents. Go with what your gut - not your heart as that can cloud an issue - tells you to do. Besides, I would bet all of your parents did this at some point with you. Are you all OK??? You will know when it crosses a line. Fear is a horrible thing and if physical contact is the only thing that can get rid of that, then do it. Even as adults - sometimes we too need to be much closer too our partner physically than normal when we too get scared. So why not with your child?

 

[MLinAZ]

DEFINITELY! I say this both as a mom and as someone who works with traumatized kids.

As a mom, we co-slept off and on the first year depending on their needs. It was never a difficult thing to transition out of as long as they were ready. And now at 5 years old they will come in early in the morning sometimes and on the very rare occasion they will ask to go to bed with us. We typically do not let them go to bed with us, but I always let them come to our bed in the middle of the night or early morning. I'd say it happens 2-3 times a month.

As far as the trauma piece goes, yes, she needs to feel secure and you are her safe place. She needs comfort. This too shall pass and if it doesn't seem to be then you might want to look into some additional help (I don't know what you guys experienced so I'm just talking from a general stance).

 

[1234blessed]

As a momma, my advice is - Let little Mary sleep with you!
People make a huge deal out of "breaking the habit", but they are only little for awhile. Both of ours co-slept with us & they made the transition from our bed to theirs fine!:thumbup: They will still get in the bed with us from time to time, but I don't mind!:love:
She will become independent very quickly so just embrace this time with her!
These are the special moments of childhood, the treasured ones we'll look back on in 18 years or less when they're heading off for college & lives of their own.:cry:

 

[PCMomto4]

I think if it works for you then great! We haven't done it with any of our's but mostly because I don't sleep when I have them in bed next to me and also because of a friend I have whose has a 10 year old who won't sleep in his own bed. I have always had good sleepers though so maybe things would ahve been different if I didn't.

 

[AJPratt]

Thanks so much to everyone for the advice. I actually am not too worried about Mary being weaned from the co-sleeping. Its not every night and she is pretty independent. She goes to bed on her own, sometimes wakes up and goes back to sleep. Then, sometimes its obvious she's not going back. I do feel SO much better about bringing her in with us. I guess I just needed confirmation I as doing the right thing. If my husband wasn't up at 4am for work, we may just sit with her and then put her back down. Ya know, the docs tell you its best to let them cry it out at night. (Mine does anyway) Well, Mary is not a crier, never has been. She does get whiny when hungry or tired, but who doesn't? The last time I "let her cry it out because babies do cry" per the doc, it turned out she was anemic and very, very sick. I just can't let her cry it out because when she does cry, its a big deal. She's a tough cookie.

Our history is that I had HELLP Syndrome and had what the nurses called "a traumatic labor and delivery". I posted our story in another thread: http://www.chefsuccess.com/f18/anyone-else-survive-hellp-syndrome-pregnancy-related-56233/ Then, at six weeks Mary was hospitalized over a week for a high fever (105 degrees), anemia and required blood transfusions. She has has stomach issues off and on and still needs blood work doen to check on her, but thankfully, we have been OK for a while.

So, the update: Mary was fine for a week and then last night she was up at 1am. We ran down the list... and we laid her with us, but she was still restless. Then I took her jammies off. She let out a big sigh a went out. So I don't know if she was hot or if the jammies irritated her or what.

Right now, its midnight here and she is still out, so hopefully she will be OK.

 

[Sheila]

I didn't realize you were talking about a newborn when I posted. I assumed Mary was a toddler! But I still say do what works! Some people find that they sleep better with the baby in bed next to them and others discover that they get less sleep by worrying about rolling over on the baby or the baby getting too close to mom, blankets, pillows, etc. which can cause them to "re-breathe" exhaled air. What causes crib death is still not known for sure. The last I checked, research was starting to use the theory that it could sometimes be from not getting fresh air and basically suffocating. I think they are still studying that theory, but it certainly makes sense. Regardless if she's in your bed or her's, just make sure that she can't get in a "bind" where she can't breathe. My web board lost an 8 month old who became entangled in a blanket in their own bed & suffocated. Very sad!!

 

[mmoran4pc]

I personally co spept with our daughter for only a week. then it was off to the crib. But what i would do is go into her room... reassure.... lay in there with her for a min to reassure her that ur there and its ok.... but u still go back to your room. So she is aware ur in the house but she wont actually want to sleep wth you every night. i may be wrong tho... im only 24

 

[MLinAZ]

Do what feels right to you. If you need research or books to back up your gut instinct to co-sleep or meet her needs on demand to either reassure you, show to your husband, or just for curiosity sake, let me know and I'll give you some great resources.

 

[AJPratt]

Sheila: Mary is a toddler. I guess I am just having a hard time getting past what happened to us. For me, it seems like yesterday.

mmoran: Thanks for sharing your insight! Age doesn't matter!

Michelle: Would love more info!

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Thanks so much to everyone for the advice. I actually am not too worried about Mary being weaned from the co-sleeping. Its not every night and she is pretty independent. She goes to bed on her own, sometimes wakes up and goes back to sleep. Then, sometimes its obvious she's not going back. I do feel SO much better about bringing her in with us. I guess I just needed confirmation I as doing the right thing. If my husband wasn't up at 4am for work, we may just sit with her and then put her back down. Ya know, the docs tell you its best to let them cry it out at night. (Mine does anyway) Well, Mary is not a crier, never has been. She does get whiny when hungry or tired, but who doesn't? The last time I "let her cry it out because babies do cry" per the doc, it turned out she was anemic and very, very sick. I just can't let her cry it out because when she does cry, its a big deal. She's a tough cookie.

Our history is that I had HELLP Syndrome and had what the nurses called "a traumatic labor and delivery". I posted our story in another thread: http://www.chefsuccess.com/f18/anyone-else-survive-hellp-syndrome-pregnancy-related-56233/ Then, at six weeks Mary was hospitalized over a week for a high fever (105 degrees), anemia and required blood transfusions. She has has stomach issues off and on and still needs blood work doen to check on her, but thankfully, we have been OK for a while.

So, the update: Mary was fine for a week and then last night she was up at 1am. We ran down the list... and we laid her with us, but she was still restless. Then I took her jammies off. She let out a big sigh a out. So I don't know if she was hot or if the jammies irritated her or what.

Right now, its midnight here and she is still out, so hopefully she will be OK.

Anne, Micah is a "tough cookie" too...and we almost lost him a week after he was born. The most frightening night of my life was riding w/ him in an ambulance from our local hospital to the Children's hospital. Seeing him laying there with tubes and wires all over him, and only being able to touch him through the little hand openings is an experience that will stay with me forever...and that's probably why I feel the way I do about co-sleeping, and not letting them "cry it out".

Not all Dr.'s will tell you to do that. Mine never did. When Micah cried/cries - there is a reason. He's a big boy now, and we never had ANY issues with weaning him. He's always done fine in his own bed...other than when he tells us he wishes he had someone "real" to sleep with, like mommy and daddy do. (He's not asking to come sleep with us, he wants us to get him a brother - not going to happen!)

 

[NooraK]

Then I took her jammies off. She let out a big sigh a went out. So I don't know if she was hot or if the jammies irritated her or what.

Maybe the jammies were too tight? Have you considered sleep sacks? I think they make them for the bigger kids too.

 

[AJPratt]

I loved the sleep sack! Haven't seen it in a bigger size yet. I want one for me! LOL

 

[NooraK]

According to their website, the X-Large is 18-24 months.

https://www.halosleep.com/

Haven't seen an adult one...

 

[janetupnorth]

I didn't read all the responses, but we snuggle for awhile then send them to bed. For us they have their time to feel loved but know their bed is their bed (of course they are older now). I also pray with my kids before bed and we pray if there is anything that scares them. They also pray themselves too. This has made a big impact on reduction of fears, etc.On a side note, I had a difficult situation yesterday with a guy we know suddenly trying to say bad things about me (unprovoked)...he just picks a target and bad-mouths them until he thinks he has made himself above that person then moves on to the next. Anyway, Kyle (5 year old) knew a little about this and as we were driving home last night I heard him say, "Quiet Sammie, I'm trying to pray." He was praying for my situation with this guy. It brought tears to my eyes! On your story...I say do what you feel is right but also make sure you don't jeopardize your relationship with your husband. My kids know I love them to death but there are times where Daddy needs time alone with Mommy. We also do occasional "camp outs" that they look forward to. I'll go "camp out" with them in a bed downstairs or their bunks.

 

[AJPratt]

Becky: That is the worst thing... traveling with you child in an ambulance. And, I will never forget the looks on the faces on the people as the EMTs strapped Mary's car seat to the stretcher and took her out from one hospital to the next. And holding her down for the spinal tap... OMG. Words cannot express.

NooraK: Thanks! I will look into them! Too bad about the adult size.

Janet: You have a sweet child, to pray for you! Dave and I do have time to ourselves, because Mary usually wakes up in the middle of the night and we have been asleep for quite a while.