Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[raebates]

So, you've met my parents.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

"May I have this dents?"

 

[pamperedalf]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0...eID=3361370270&MyToken=9788cbcf-9ff7-4705-be8This is pretty funny, I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did!!!

 

[pcchris]

just got this...had to post...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0...eID=3361370270&MyToken=9788cbcf-9ff7-4705-be8


This is pretty funny, I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did!!!

Well, if you liked that one, you really need to go see this one!

This is a group called OK GO out of Chicago, and the song in entitled Here It Goes Again.

This video ranks high on my list for...

• Creativity
• Coreography
• Dancing
• Rehersal

These guys knew what they wanted to do and rehersed it until they had it down pat. I tip my hat to 'em!

 

[rebeccastt]

I like this one:

http://funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

 

[raebates]

Well, if you liked that one, you really need to go see this one!

This is a group called OK GO out of Chicago, and the song in entitled Here It Goes Again.

This video ranks high on my list for...

• Creativity
• Coreography
• Dancing
• Rehersal

These guys knew what they wanted to do and rehersed it until they had it down pat. I tip my hat to 'em!

Wow! It looks great, but I spent the entire time thinking that these men have way too much time on their hands.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Wow! It looks great, but I spent the entire time thinking that these men have way too much time on their hands.

It's their band - and did you see all the copy cats out there? There's one of some high school kids duplicating the video - and pretty well done, too.

 

[raebates]

Again, way too much time on their hands.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

It's their job - promo is all part of it!

 

[raebates]

Good point.

 

[Brandie]

That was GREAT!!!!!

I'll never look at a treadmill in the same way...

 

[chefann]

I've seen interviews with OK Go, and they did actually shoot that in 1 take. They rehearsed for weeks, then taped all day. They got 2 that were correct all the way through. Take 17 is the one that is the actual video.

I think it's soooo clever.

And they have performed it live on awards shows. Which is a huge feat in itself. There's nothing like a live performance to make you forget things.

 

[chefann]

How to catch a polar bear

Find an open area of frozen lake. Cut a large hole in the ice, big enough for a polar bear. Sprinkle some wood ashes around the hole. Put a few thawed frozen (not canned) peas around the area. Step back and wait.

When a polar bear arrives to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

(Note: It's better if you read it out loud.)

 

[baychef]

Oh...I do like that one, Ann!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

How to catch a polar bear

Find an open area of frozen lake. Cut a large hole in the ice, big enough for a polar bear. Sprinkle some wood ashes around the hole. Put a few thawed frozen (not canned) peas around the area. Step back and wait.

When a polar bear arrives to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

(Note: It's better if you read it out loud.)

Ursus a Major jokester, I can't bear to try to top that one.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

But I'll try anyway.The submarine, USS Connecticut, during manuevers in 2003, surfaced between Alaska and the North Pole, sticking its con tower and rudder through the ice. This polar bear decided to see if the rudder might just be good to eat, and actually took a bite out of it! The camera on the con tower was turned on to get these photos of the polar bear and the rudder.

He decided it might not be very good to eat, but hung around for awhile, hoping that a seal might come up the hole. He finally left when the sound of an approaching helicopter seemed to ruin the atmosphere of his new favorite restaurant.

Damage to the rudder was minimal.

 

[raebates]

My brother has a new girlfriend. She has only one leg. She works at IHOP.It took me a while to learn her name--Ilene.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

If she was Japanese, her name would have to be Irene.

 

[baychef]

KG are you sure you are not the brother from another mother of Rae?

 

[raebates]

My family has pointed out some disturbing similarities.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I don't know, Rae, my family origins are in Blackford and Delaware Counties. Maybe a rogue uncle...Did you know Ilene came from a family with several siblings that had no arms and no legs? They spent their time in unuual places, too.A brother with no arms and no legs sat on the front porch - Matt.A swimming brother with no arms and no legs in the lake - Bob.A brother with no arms and no legs hang around on the wall - Art.A set of twin brothers with no arms and no legs also hung around on the wall - Curt and Rod.A brother with no arms and no legs sat in the mail box - Bill.A sister with no arms and no legs worked in the bank - Penny.A sister with no arms and no legs worked at the restaurant grill - Patty.

 

[raebates]

KG, if you have family in Deleware county, we may very well be distantly related.Good to meet you, cousin!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I think that my relatives in Delaware County all have a really difficult-to-reach area code. My grandmother had several siblings but only one married and had children ~ he used to own a farm up in Pierceton. I don't believe his children every married. I doubt that we're related, at least, any way that can be traced.

 

[baychef]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired a consulting company to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies! So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we could save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of you know what. We can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, thereby shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I then asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon."

 

[raebates]

Little Johnny was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a
Priest came along and asked Little Johnny what he had.Little Johnny replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy
Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant
women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."Little Johnny replied, "If you take some of this here turpentine and rub
it on a cat's rear end, he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

 

[raebates]

I think that my relatives in Delaware County all have a really difficult-to-reach area code. My grandmother had several siblings but only one married and had children ~ he used to own a farm up in Pierceton. I don't believe his children every married. I doubt that we're related, at least, any way that can be traced.

Shucks, I was kind of enjoying the idea we might be related. Oh, well, I guess I'll have to be satisfied with the strange relatives I already know. It's a shame, though, you would really fit in at the family reunions.

 

[raebates]

Warning: Mild adult content

Husband and wife are in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

 

[raebates]

In honor of Mother's Day, Sunday, May 13th, I want to share some of the most important things my mother taught me.

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me religion:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about time travel:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me logic:
"Because I said so, that's why!"

My mother taught me irony:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Official TKG Glossary of Medical TermsBenign................What you'll be after you be eight.

Artery................The study of paintings.

Bacteria..............Cafeteria in the rear of the hospital.

Barium................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.

Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.

Colic.................A sheep dog.

Coma..................A punctuation mark.

D & C.................Where Washington is.

Dilate................To live long.

Enema.................Not a friend.

Fester................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula................A small lie.

Genital...............Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.

Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.

Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.

Node..................Was aware of

Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.

Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........An undercover letter carrier.

Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.

Rectum................Heck, it darn near killed him.

Secretion.............Hiding something.

Seizure...............Emperor of Rome.

Tablet................A small table.

Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor.................Three, when you add 'em to the one ya got.

Urine.................When you're no longer out.

Varicose..............Near by/close by.

Vein..................Conceited.

 

[raebates]

Cute, KG. There is actually an upholstery shop in Fort Wayne, IN, named Recovery Room Upholstery. I think it's a clever name.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

We have a company in our area called "Hernia Movers" and their slogan is "The Potentate of Totin' Freight."In Indiana, I saw a dog grooming business called "Dog In Suds."I love clever business ventures!

 

[raebates]

We have a business nearby named "The Strip Club." They refinish furniture. I'm guessing they get a lot of wrong numbers/disappointed customers.

In Indianapolis there is a place called "Chocolate Soup." I noticed that after several months they changed their sign to include the fact that they are a children's clothing store. Cute name, but I'm guessing they got sick and tired of people coming in for chocolate.

 

[chefann]

There's a doggie daycare near my office called "Canine to Five."

I'm trying to think of a good name for an eBay store - I need to sell some of the jewelry I started making so I can afford to buy more beads.

 

[raebates]

Just String Me Along?

 

[chefann]

oohh-- cute! I'll have to see if it's taken.

 

[chefann]

Forget it! It's $16 a month, plus individual item fees. Maybe in a couple months, after I sell a few pieces and make some more as inventory. Although I do have about 30 pair of earrings ready to go.

Sorry--- end hijack.

 

[raebates]

Dang! That seems kind of high.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

There's a doggie daycare near my office called "Canine to Five."

I'm trying to think of a good name for an eBay store - I need to sell some of the jewelry I started making so I can afford to buy more beads.

We've got one called Central Bark, which I thought was clever until I found out it's a franchise.

 

[raebates]

In honor of Mother's Day, I received this from a friend. According to the email, it was read on Ellen. Who knows, but it is funny.So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.
Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him
and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long
on this mat in our bathroom.Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old,
3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves
chapstick. LOVES IT. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing
it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my
chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to
put it right back in the drawer when he was done.Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try
to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys
are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my
little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a
mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor
me and the amazing job that is motherhood.We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am
looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the
corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my
chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into
my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is
right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack
didn't seem to mind.And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the
FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us
that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little
creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been
using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The nun in the convent, who is a nurse, is nervous about the news she must present to Mother Superior."Mother Superior, we have found a case of syphilis.""Oh, good!" Mother Superior replies. "I was getting tired of he chablis."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy walks into a local choke-and-puke and orders breakfast. He says to the waitress, "I want the eggs browned around the edges, the bacon overcooked and hard, I want my coffee bitter and my toast burned. And when you bring it to me, I want you to yell at me.""What," the waitress says, "Are you nuts?""No," the guy says, "I'm homesick."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Holy Carp!Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?

A: One is smelly, scaley, scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

ARBITRATOR:
A cook that leaves Wendy's to work at McDonalds.

AVOIDABLE:
What a bullfighter tried to do.

BERNADETTE:
The act of torching a mortgage..

BURGLARIZE:
What a crook sees with.

CONTROL:
A short, ugly inmate.

COUNTERFEITERS:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

ECLIPSE:
What a barber does for a living.

EYEDROPPER:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.

HEROES:
What a guy in a boat does.

LEFTBANK:
What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

MISTY:
How golfers create divots.

PARADOX:
Two physicians.

PARASITES:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower .

PHARMACIST:
A helper on the farm.

POLARIZE:
What penguins see with.

PRIMATE:
Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

RELIEF:
What trees do in the Spring.

RUBBERNECK:
What you do to relax your wife.

SELFISH:
What the owner of a seafood store does.

SUDAFED:
A litigation brought against a government official

 

[raebates]

You know, since Sponge Bob became rich and famous, he's become really self-absorbed.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I sea that!

 

[pamperedalf]

One day a boy asked his grandpa, "Grandpa canyou make a frog sound?"The grandfather asked why?The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak weare going to Hawaii."

 

[MomToEli]

We have a company in our area called "Hernia Movers" and their slogan is "The Potentate of Totin' Freight."

In Indiana, I saw a dog grooming business called "Dog In Suds."

I love clever business ventures!

There was a company that installed septic tanks whose slogan was " We drill 'em, you fill 'em". Then there is the company that services them whose slogan is "We are #1 in #2"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I just saw a sign in Mishawaka for a septic tank pumping company -- their phone number is XXX-POOP.

 

[baychef]

One day Nurse Jones walked into Mr. Smith's room at the nursing home. There he was laying in his bed with no sheets on him and no clothes on!

Nurse Jones said to him as she helped cover him up, "Mr. Smith, let's cover up now. No one wants to see all of that anyway."

To which he responded, "Doesn't matter, it's dead anyway."

The next day Mr. Smith was walking down the hall past the nurse's station dressed in his birthday suit. Nurse Jones took one look at him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought we talked about this yesterday! And besides, I thought you told me that "it" was dead."

Mr. Smith looked at her and said, "It IS dead. Today's the viewing!"