Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[raebates]

Important Announcement:

Aliens are coming to take all of the beautiful, sexy people. You're safe. I just wanted to say goodbye before I leave.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Too late. After we left, they told me they're not taking you after all. Don't drink the Kool-Aid.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Doctor to patient:"I have bad news. You have cancer, but you also have Alzheimer's."Patient to Doctor:"Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

 

[baychef]

SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE EVER



A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Underwear made of Saran Wrap.



The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

 

[baychef]

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/Belize00117Medium.jpg

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Overheard in a church..."...lead us not into temptation - we can do a pretty good job of that on our own."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing really well, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful."

 

[raebates]

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing really well, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Prime example of the fact that we hear what we want to hear.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

What? What did I hear here?

 

[baychef]

Medical Care (sadly, the truth)Two patients limp into two different medical clinics
with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and
appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is
x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery
the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3
weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a
specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed
for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled
for a month from then. Why the different treatment for
the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I think my owner would just have me put to sleep.

 

[pamperedalf]

Dearest Redneck Son,I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pock! ets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.Your Favorite Aunt,Mom

 

[chefann]

The Correct Way To Call The Police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said, "No." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy walks into a bait shop and asks the clerk, "Do you have (rooster)roaches?""Why yes, we do!" the clerk says. "They're very popular for fishing.""Good," the guy says. "I'd like 20,000 (rooster)roaches, please.""TWENTY THOUSAND!?!?!?" the clerk exclaims. "What do you need 20,000 (rooster)roaches for?""I'm about to move," the guy says, "And it says in my lease that in order to get my security deposit back, I have to leave the apartment in the exact condition I found it."

 

[pampermeplease]

"Overheard in a church...

"...lead us not into temptation - we can do a pretty good job of that on our own.""
-------------------------------------------------------------------
my hubby has that shirt....."lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself".....sigh. I hate that shirt lol.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”

The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.”

The bartender says, “What've you got?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Five blondes walk into a bar and order two pitchers of beer. They are all giggly and happy, giving each other high fives and shouting in unison, "WE DID IT!!!" After several toasts, clinking of mugs and generally performing feats of a celebratory nature, they order two more pitchers of beer.The bartender says, "You're obviously celebrating some great accomplishment," as he draws the pitchers. "Would you mind sharing with me what you all did?""You bet!" the first one says."We put together a complicated jig saw puzzle!" the second one says.The bartender nods and smiles in kind of a mocking way and says,"I guess that would be something to celebrate."The third blonde says, "Yup! We beat the allotted time!" as she high fives the fourth blonde."I didn't know jig saw puzzles had allotted times," the bartender says."Sure, it's right there on the box!" the fourth blonde says.The bartender has a baffled look on his face. "Really?"The fifth blonde says, "It's right on the front of the box! It says, '3 to 5 years' and we did it in six months!"

 

[chefann]

I got this from my recruiter (who is no longer doing PC), and thought it was hilarious.
---One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did mommy go?" In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a
Tupperware party, daddy?" The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple
explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime... Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"

 

[baychef]

The first woman on the Moon!http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/tothemoonAlice.gif

 

[baychef]

The grass is always green on the other sideOne afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well, " the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

 

[baychef]

This doctor who had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of
Her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide
As he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night.", she said.
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possible help you sleep."
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks....................and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas..........

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Now, be nice. Everyone knows that 99% of lawyers give the rest of them a bad name.

 

[baychef]

The 1st one was Christ ...
The 2nd one was the apostle, Peter ...
Then there was this guy, Jose...

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/bull.jpg

 

[baychef]

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL,SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! "
SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CA N YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?""NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD RING: MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD,IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL: WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"
STUPIDA new teacher was trying to make use of her psychologycourses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davy stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davy?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
BEAUTY
Little Davy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davy. "Giving up?"
GRANDMA'S AGE:

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

St. Paul's church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very
fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was a complex and intricate task that was completed successfully.The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."

 

[raebates]

The humor of Steven Wright:

I have a friend who has a trophy wife; obviously not first place.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! "

No one under the age of 35 gets this. Sad, isn't it?

Oh, how I miss Juliette Prowse!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The humor of Steven Wright:

I have a friend who has a trophy wife; obviously not first place.

He is uniquely funny.

"When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually."

 

[raebates]

I put a skylight in my apartment. The people who live upstairs are really ticked.(It's his absolutely deadpan delivery that gets me every time. Of course, the funniest thing I ever saw was when he got tickled at something, broke just the beinning of a smile, then composed himself. Still makes me grin.)

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Before anyone knew who Jerry Seinfeld was, he did a bit in his nightclub act that I saw him do on a couple of the late night shows - about the one sock that always escapes from the dryer, along with the perils of the refuge sock. It was funny stuff!

 

[raebates]

I remember that bit! You're right. It was funny.

 

[chefann]

Clip your socks together with Jumbo Twixits and you won't have any refugee socks.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I can tell that you're not invested in the sock market.

 

[raebates]

I can't keep up with the Downy Jones.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

If you could figure it out, you'd have a Gold Toe.

 

[raebates]

Hey, wasn't that a Bond villain?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

It would have been except for the royalties Ian Flemming didn't want to pay.

 

[raebates]

My favorite by Ian Flemming? Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The kid catcher still scares me.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Who says authors can't cross over to a different genre?

 

[chefann]

Nobody. I have a children's Christmas book at home that was written by Dean Koontz. It's a little creepy, but still definitely a children's book. It's about Santa's evil twin.

 

[raebates]

My husband's Uncle Jim says that his favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard.

That one takes most people a few minutes. Then again, a lot of them never get it at all.

 

[chefann]

That one is a little subtle, since it's not a huge plot point. Yes- there's a party, but it could just as easily be for a retirement or something else.

My DH won't watch a movie unless it has spaceships, explosions or a body count. Preferably all 3.

 

[raebates]

Come on, it's not that subtle. There's Christmas music through the whole thing. It's just not the first thing that comes to mind when people think of the movie. At least, it didn't for me until dear Uncle Jim brought it up.

 

[chefann]

I guess you're right. I haven't watched that movie in ages, so I forgot about the music.

 

[raebates]

Don't sound so surprised, Ann. The law of averages proves that I must be right some of the time.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Well, remember the old theory about typewriters, monkeys and Shakepseare? The Internet has pretty well busted that myth.

 

[baychef]

A little different report on Grandparents.After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the
following:

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and
Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa
got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin
box. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags
because they don't kno w who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must
have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises
there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming
pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting
in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes
they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same
thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center
and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his
retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded
someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man
in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their
grandchildren.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Jonathon Winters calls Florida, "God's Waiting Room."

 

[raebates]

Some of them aren't waiting patiently. Old people in Florida only have two driving speeds: glacial and bat-out-of-hades. My mom falls into the second category.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The former are usually in the left hand lane with the turn signal on and the latter dock their tuna boats using the Braille Method.