Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[sarahmarie]

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50

and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60.! You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH! bedtime And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

 

[chef_leeanne]

Six Degrees of Blondness

FIRST DEGREE:


A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:


SECOND DEGREE:


Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"


`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-,_,.-:*?`?*:-


THIRD DEGREE:


A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She took the gun and put it to her head.

The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replied, "Shut up ... You're next!"


`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:


FOURTH DEGREE:


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them"

A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of! Wiscons in?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."


`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:


FIFTH DEGREE:


What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"



`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-,_,.-:*?`?*:-


SIXTH DEGREE:


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"


.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,..-:*?`?*:


SEVENTH DEGREE:


Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,

"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

 

[chef_leeanne]

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....


And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer...$15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the
car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your
friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by
chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad
they are distant and hope they remain lost..

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg."Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY
One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt. Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, the biggest of all of them and a very large fellow indeed. "I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "You'll be wantin' to know the first coat is dry."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity."

Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."

Of course, the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck.

Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!"

The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Only In America...

1. ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a Diet Coke.
5. ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway so we can put our useless junk in the garage.
7. ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. ...do they sell hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight ~ and we buy them anyway.
9. ...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: "Poli" meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. ...do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille instructions.

 

[chefann]

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable
person to show you care. Well, my job is done!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable
person to show you care.









Well, my job is done!

I remember a trip to the horse ranch as a kid. It took my mother several days to unstable the smell from my shoes and clothes.

 

[chef_leeanne]

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a Londondepartment store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Real Church SignsThat's too bad. (See message below.) These were great. What's worse is the guy has lost our potential traffic to his site.

 

[chefann]

KG, the images aren't coming through. They've got a "no hotlinks" screen on. Their text is actually funny by itself: "Stealing bandwidth makes baby Jesus cry. Don't hotlink my images."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Church SignsFree Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!

An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed & a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays." The church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

God so loved the world that he did not send a committee.

 

[raebates]

A little late for St. Paddy's Day, but still funny:

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick now quite old was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and knelt.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our very long lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request. He said, "Aye, ‘tis a fine thing you ask of me. I will pour the whiskey. But, a question for you. Might I just strain it through me kidneys first?"

 

[raebates]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices alittle girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. Thefire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the little girls says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles."Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire engine with lights flashing and a wailing siren at full blast zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat next to the driver of the fire engine was a Dalmatian. The children, never having seen a dog in a fire engine before, started to discuss what the dog might be for."They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster."No," said another, "he's just for good luck."Several more ideas were put forward and an animated discussion soon ensued when a little girl who had sat quietly throughout the discussion and deep in thought finally brought the argument to a close..."They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

 

[gratergirl]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a

drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,

meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house

today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking

woman! The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are

confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a

hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your

grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are

starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk

leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy,

your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders

looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,.......


Go home, you're drunk."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

 

[pchefkristin]

Not sure if anyone has posted this, but thought it was funny...


Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight
attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for
adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen
Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent Florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he Suffered
from bad breath. This made him (Oh man -- this is so bad, it's good) a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
did.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Within a small town there were three churches, one Catholic, one Lutheran, and one United Church of Christ. And, all three had a serious problem with squirrels in their buildings.Therefore, each congregation, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem.The Catholics decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.The Lutherans decided they should deal with the squirrels in the movement's style of community responsibility & social action. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town, only to find that within three days, they were all back in the church.The UCC church council had several lengthy congregational meetings, allowing all members to voice their opinions. They finally decided to vote the squirrels in as members of the congregation and gave them offering envelopes. Now, they only see the squirrels on Christmas and Easter.

 

[Brandi2007]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a

sperm count as part of his physical exam.



The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this

jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."



The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the

doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as

clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor

asked what happened and the man explained, "Well,

doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand,

but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still

nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with

her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,

then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even

called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried

too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she

even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still

nothing.



The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the

jar open."

 

[sarahmarie]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click YOUR blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

???????? (A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

 

[sarahmarie]

The Hokey Pokey - Shakespearean Style
Original Lyrics

Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.

Shakespearean Style

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

 

[sarahmarie]

Men's Thesaurus

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Why Parents DrinkA mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom...she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry, Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son, John


PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report card (it's in my center desk drawer).

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Gender ComparisonNICKNAMES

If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.

But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT

And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.

When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Oh, Deer!A Wisconsin man has been given one year probation after being charged with having sex with a deer carcas he found by the side of the road.

He has not been identified but the case is classified as a John Doe.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

A Wisconsin man has been given one year probation after being charged with having sex with a deer carcas he found by the side of the road.

He has not been identified but the case is classified as a John Doe.

I just read this piece of news too! (Well, not the John Doe part...that's all KG!)

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Lecture on SupernaturalA professor at W.Virginia University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response."

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic."

"But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Wheel, shayit... From back there it sounded like you said 'goats.'"

 

[chefanne]

Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Kitchen_Guy
A despondent little old lady decided to end it all, but she needed a little help. She called her doctor and said, "Doctor, where, exactly, is my heart?"He replied, "About two inches below your left breast.""Thank you, Doctor," she said and hung up. Later that day, he treated her in the ER for a self-inflected gunshot wound in her left kneecap.

LOL!!! Good One. Was her name Maxine??

I'm still laughing!
ROTF funny.

 

[AJPratt]

I started on a diet, but I plateued at one pound.

Hey, another "Anne"!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Never Trust The Minister's KidThree boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Once up a time there was a little boy named Mill. He had a natural affinity for baseball and loved the game. In Little League, he set records for strikeouts because he threw the baseball faster than any other kid. In high school, he set records for strikeouts and victories because he threw the fastest fastball, he had a curve that broke unlike anyone else’s and a wicked slider that no one could hit.Well, it was no surprise that after high school, Mill Famie was drafted by the Argyle Sox of the Unamerican League where he set new records for pitching every time he took the mound. The Argyle Sox quickly rose to the to the of the league and without much surprise, they found themselves in the World Series.Now, Mill Famie was usually a modest and quiet man, but in the glaring lights of the electronic media, he proclaimed, “I’m the greatest baseball pitcher that every lived and the Sox made it here because of my pitching.”Well, that pissed off his team mates but especially pissed off the manager. It was expected that Mill Famie would pitch the opening game of the Series, but no, he had been banished to the bullpen. The Sox lost the game. They won the second game, lost the third, won the fourth, lost the fifth and won the sixth game. Mill Famie did not pitch any of the games, banished to the bullpen by the manager who was still incensed at Mill’s remarks to the press.When the starting pitchers were announced for the seventh and final game of the series, Mill Famie was not the starting pitcher. Upset and depressed in the bullpen, Mill called the beer vendor over from the stands and bought the entire case of beer. As he drank, he tossed each empty bottle into the bullpen.In the ninth inning, the Argyle Sox were up by 2 runs, 2-0 when the home team came up to bat in the last of the ninth. The pitcher, tired and getting past fatigue, walked the bases full. The manager of the Sox called the bullpen and called for his ace to warmup - so Mill Famie was finally going to get into a game. Of course, he had finished a case of beer by this time. He came in and promptly walked the first batter he faced on four pitches, walking in a run. He threw four more pitches and walked in the tying run. Finally, he threw four more pitches and walked in the winning run and the Argyle Sox lost the World Series.At the press conference, the reporters all asked the winning manager how they won. The manager said, “Come with me!” and he led all the reporters to the Argyle Sox bullpen. He waved his hand to show all the empty beer bottles laying in the bullpen.“This,” he said, “Is the beer that made Mill Famie walk us!”

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

It was a lousy race and the horse came in dead last. The owner was embarrassed and annoyed with the running of his horse. The jockey was not happy with how slow the horse was.The owner blamed the jockey and turned on him. "Flaherty, could you not have run faster?"The jockey scowled and replied, "Sure I could have, but the rules say we have to stay on the horse!"

 

[AJPratt]

I love how we seem to be back to our former silly-ness!

 

[chefann]

Us, silly?



NEVER!

 

[chef_leeanne]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store, a tackle shop, and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap.

 

[chef_leeanne]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these
exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....Ovulating
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST and wWILL be oral, OK? Fine, what
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes,I suppose it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I love how we seem to be back to our former silly-ness!

Are you kiddin' me?

I take my humor very seriously.

 

[chef_leeanne]

A WOMEN was flying from Seattle

to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember...


THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Do you like movies about gladiators, Joey?

 

[raebates]

I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

 

[chef_leeanne]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing An
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing
to try it out.
Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining
that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine
and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the
husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued
to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the
wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the
pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain,
and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the Fed Ex man dead on the porch.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy in Florida heads out to see the doctor. His wife is at home, listening to the radio when an urgent traffic bulletin comes over the air. She's worried about her husband, since he's in the general area of the alert.She calls him on his cell phone and says, "CLARENCE! Be careful! The radio says that there's a car driving the wrong way on I-95!""ONE?!?" he yells, "There's HUNDREDS of 'em!"

 

[chef_leeanne]

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

 

[chef_leeanne]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a
date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:




You've got MALE!

 

[raebates]

Wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name .

5. Remember, half the people you know are below
average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

[raebates]

Warning: Adult contentA man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "Dang Bob, you're hung!" Bob exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say goodbye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller I have lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco." "Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed. "Darn it, Jim, Crisco's shortening!!!!" You gotta follow the recipe!

 

[baychef]

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new
boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The
room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money
do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks'
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[baychef]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime


They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!'

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as
they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him
a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large
woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a
beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!'