Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[baychef]

We have "Doggy Doo" !!! Can't think of any other really clever names...love the septic phone number!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The pessimist sees the glass half empty.The optimist sees the glass half full.The engineer sees a vessel twice the size it needs to be.

 

[raebates]

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply!"

He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."

"We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

That one's so funny, I almost laughed my asp off.

 

[raebates]

Had to explain it three times to a co-worker. She's obviously not the brightest crayon in the box. I mean, once I could understand. (She didn't know that adder was a type of snake.) But three times was, well, never mind.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Had to explain it three times to a co-worker. She's obviously not the brightest crayon in the box. I mean, once I could understand. (She didn't know that adder was a type of snake.) But three times was, well, never mind.

A joke is just not funny if it has to be explained!

 

[raebates]

The others in the office got it. She's one of those people who thinks she has a sense of humor. She's mistaken.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

He who laughs last didn't get the gag.

 

[raebates]

Computers are proof that nerds and money are a dangerous combination. --Red GreenActually, I like computers. That's how I met all you crazy people. But, Red Green cracks me up.

 

[chefann]

I love Red Green.

Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

Although, technically, that's Canadian humor.

 

[raebates]

The word game is my favorite.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I love Red Green.

Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

Although, technically, that's Canadian humor.

No kiddin', eh? Maybe we oughtta just stop at Tim Horton's and discuss it over coffee, eh?

Okay, then, how about some American humor?

Q: What does a one-legged ballerina wear?

A: A one-one.

 

[baychef]

No kiddin', eh? Maybe we oughtta just stop at Tim Horton's and discuss it over coffee, eh?

Okay, then, how about some American humor?

Q: What does a one-legged ballerina wear?

A: A one-one.

You must mean...

Go owt for coffee, eh and don't hurry since you may end up in hospital.
(Please, Canadian friends...I love you...I even talk like you enough that some people think I am from Canada. I just don't say "eh" enough.)

 

[chefann]

No kiddin', eh? Maybe we oughtta just stop at Tim Horton's and discuss it over coffee, eh?

I'm game. I LOVE T-Ho's coffee! and we have a bunch of them around the Detroit area.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Tim Horton is like the illegal alien invasion from the north.They've spread into Indiana and Ohio, but the current (sorry, that's from a different thread) growth has changed because the ownership has changed.

 

[chefann]

Yep. Knew that. They were expanding so fast they weren't really paying attention to whether markets could support them, sort of like Krispy Kreme.

 

[raebates]

Mmmmm. Donuts. Must go back and concentrate on the Get Healthy Squad thread.Oh, and, btw, I know Red Green is Canadian. Canada is in North America, so it is American humor. It just isn't US humor.

 

[raebates]

This immediately made me think of KG. It's supposed to be an actual exchange of correspondence between a traveler and the staff of a London hotel.Dear Maid,Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.Thank you,S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.Your regular maid,Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my ONE bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays, which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room.Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item - I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.S. Berman

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

That's a regular soap opera.

 

[chefann]

KG- you gonna leave notes like that for the poor chambermaid in Pontiac?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

No - I can't write in {language deleted}.

 

[katie0128]

Computers are proof that nerds and money are a dangerous combination. --Red Green


Actually, I like computers. That's how I met all you crazy people. But, Red Green cracks me up.

I wonder what he could make with a few PC products and duct tape!

 

[raebates]

You probably don't want to know. The Furry Guy is kind of known for repurposing things, a la Red Green, so I have some first-hand experience.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I wonder what he could make with a few PC products and duct tape!

Hmmmmm....The Pampered Handyman...I understand there's a lot of space in a big building on Rohwling Road.

 

[raebates]

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.
After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap
on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done
the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the
road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to
find one that fit.Sure enough, after only a short time of searching, he found a gas cap. He
carefully wiped it off and slipped it into place with a satisfying click."Great," he told his wife as he climbed back into the car, "I may have lost
my gas cap, but I found another one that fits and it's even a better cap
than the one I had - it locks..."

 

[raebates]

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.Wait. Maybe that's not a joke.

 

[raebates]

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This "Fire Help." Me Groog.

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh.

You hit them together?

Ugh.

What happen?

Fire not work.

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing.

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

So easy, a Caveman can do it.

That's the prehistoric "Is it plugged in?" question.

Foamy's Tech Support (ADULT CONTENT WARNING - STRONG LANGUAGE)

 

[katie0128]

Martha vs. Maxine*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
*Maxine's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
*Maxine's Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
*Maxine's Way *
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." *Maxine's Way *
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
*Maxine's Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
*Maxine's Way *
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
*Maxine's Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
*Maxine's Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
*Maxine's Way *
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

 

[raebates]

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

 

[raebates]

A BAD CUP OF COFFEE…
A man walked into a coffee shop and placed his order. A few minutes later, he was given a large mug. But instead of coffee, it contained a pair of beige cotton pants. He went up the counter to complain, but the baristas weren’t helpful. After arguing with them for a few minutes, he asked to speak to the manager. The manager came out and looked at the cup with the pants in it. “But this is exactly what you ordered,” said the manager. The main replied, “This isn’t even close to my order. I wanted a cup of coffee.” “It’s a cup o’ chinos,” said the manager.

 

[chefann]

Got these from a blog I check out regularly...Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face."Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked."To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue."What's the matter?" asked Little Davie . "Giving up?"***
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"***
The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, " Davie What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"***
Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the "10 most wanted" criminals.One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person."Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"***
Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A BAD CUP OF COFFEE…
A man walked into a coffee shop and placed his order. A few minutes later, he was given a large mug. But instead of coffee, it contained a pair of beige cotton pants. He went up the counter to complain, but the baristas weren’t helpful. After arguing with them for a few minutes, he asked to speak to the manager. The manager came out and looked at the cup with the pants in it. “But this is exactly what you ordered,” said the manager. The main replied, “This isn’t even close to my order. I wanted a cup of coffee.” “It’s a cup o’ chinos,” said the manager.

And in that shop, it was $1.80.

In Starschmucks, the same thing would be $4.89.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Watch out for Dead Man's Curvehttp://www.weaselcircus.com/funnypics/plowed-bike.jpg

 

[raebates]

This may have already been posted here, but I'm too lazy to check. Just in case it isn't, here's a real groaner.A food critic was traveling in England. He found most of the food bland. One day he stopped by a pub in London for fish and chips. The meal was so good that he asked for the recipe. The owner confessed that he had bought the food from the monastery next door. So the food critic went to the monastery. When a brother opened the door, the critic asked him if he was the fish fryer. “No,” the brother replied. “I’m the chip monk.”

 

[AJPratt]

Here's something... sorry, its a little dirty:

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll ya have?" and the seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Two guys are out fishing. One of them is standing to cast, when his wallet falls out of his pocket and starts to sink. He's just about to jump in to retrieve it when two huge carp swim up and start to fight over it."Well, I'll be darned," he says to the other fisherman. "First time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Which reminds me...Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?A: One is a scaley, smelly, scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.

 

[raebates]

Did you hear about the woman stopped for speeding? She went flying by the police officer with her husband in the car beside her. The officer said, "I'm writing you a ticket. Did you know you were doing 92?""Sure," she said, pointing, "that's what it said on the sign.""That's the highway sign," said the officer. "And, what's the matter with you?" he asked the white-as-a-sheet husband.Barely above a whisper, he stutters, "W-w-we j-j-just came off 116."

 

[raebates]

MY JOB HISTORY

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, then I retired...and found out I was perfect for the job!

 

[chefann]

A computer programmer is walking through the woods one day. He hears a little voice calling, "Hey, you!"

Looking around, he sees a frog on a log, wearing a little crown. The programmer bends down, and the frog tells him, "Kiss me, and I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

The programmer smiles, picks up the frog, and places it in his shirt pocket (inside the protector, I assume).

A few minutes later, the frog calls out, "Didn't you hear me? Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess!"

The programmer takes the frog out, smiles at it for a minute, the puts it back into the pocket.

This happens a couple more times until the frog is fuming mad. "Hello! Are you stupid?!? You can have a beautiful princess!"

The programmer looks at the frog and replies, "I'm a computer programmer. I wouldn't know what to do with a woman. But a talking frog... that's neat!"

 

[chefann]

Just got this one from my recruit in an email.Caution: Adult ContentA father asked his 10-year old son if he wanted to know about the birds and the bees."I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."Confused, the father asked what was wrong.The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

No joke, just a bump.

 

[Skye]

What is the difference between broccoli and snot?Kids won't eat Broccoli!!!

 

[raebates]

Ewwwww! True, but ewwwwwww!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

DOG DIARY8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!CAT DIARYDay 983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe.For now...

 

[baychef]

To continue the male bashing from the tag team of Ann S. & Ann E.When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went
to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary
man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father
will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later,
she became his stepmother.
Moral of the story: Women are so much smarter than men.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy meets a beautiful woman in a bar. He buys her a drink and as they're chatting, he says, "If I buy you dinner, will you sleep with me?""Most certainly not!" she exclaims.Undeterred, he says, "Will you sleep with me if I give you $1,000,000?""Well," she says, "I think I would.""GOOD!" he replies. "Now that we've established what you are, all we have to do is negotiate a price."Women aren't so smart after all.