Rant I Need Some Advice. I Have Tried for the Last 8 Years to Make This

[chefkristin]

I need some advice. I have tried for the last 8 years to make this relationship work with my husband. I am at the end of my ropes and he refuses to believe me or listen to anything I say. I deserve to be happy and I am not. I can't help what I feel. Any advice would be wonderful. I don't even know if I could afford to be on my own.:cry:

 

[candiejayne]

Re: SeparationSo sorry to hear that. Is he open to marriage counceling? My ex husband refused, thats one of the reasons he's my ex. You DO deserve to be happy! You need to do what feels right in your heart. As far as making it on your own, is there anyone that you could stay with until you can get back on your feet? My parents let me come back for a while until I could do it on my own. Unfortunatly that required me to work 3 jobs, but I evenutally did it!

 

[Chef Michelle D]

Re: SeparationKristin, have you tried going to counciling? What are the problems you are having? Do you have children? You are right you deserve to be happy, do you think your DH just does not see the problems you are having.

 

[chefkristin]

Re: SeparationIts hard because we have a 6 year old son. But I think he is feeling alot of the anger that we are. It is mainly the communication and finances. We are on totally separate planets.

 

[chefkristin]

Re: SeparationWe have tried counseling. It made things worse. We would go in not fighting and come out with claws out.

 

[susanr613]

Re: SeparationOh my Kristin, I really feel for you. Have you and your husband talked about splitting up? Maybe if you bring that out in the open, it will make things more serious for him and he might want to work on the marriage. Perhaps a different counselor would help too.

In the end, you have to do what you must for yourself and your child. If he's 6, he is probably well aware that mom and dad don't get along. This can be very destructive.

I am divorced and would be happy to share my perspective. PM me if you wish.

 

[Chef Endora]

Re: SeparationHow long have you been married?

 

[chefkristin]

Re: SeparationI have been married for almost 8 years.

 

[pjpamchef]

Re: Separationsomething important to know is not all counselors work for all people. you may have to try several before you find one that works for you. When my now X wouldn't go, I found one for me, he was super helpful, made me realize what I was doing to contibute to the fire, helped me set a good foundation for myself. If you haven't seen the movie with Kirk Cameron in it, I would strongly reccomend it!! I can't remember the title, I'm sure someone here will!

 

[janetupnorth]

Re: SeparationI would second the "find another counselor".Can I ask what your major issues are? Is it finances? Would he be open to financial counseling first if not labeled as marriage counseling?You should look for a FPU near you. It would be good for both of you to do, but also would give you a great perspective to figure out what you can and can't do on your own.I'm in the "work it out" camp of things. There are only very rare cases where I would agree with divorce. Plus the fact that you say you've been married "almost 8 years" hits me. Sadly, almost every couple I know went through a rough patch around year 7...some made it, some didn't. You have to realize rough times are a part of marriage too.Hang in there and don't make any rash decisions around the holidays. Winter/holidays is a very emotional time for people.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: SeparationJanet is correct about not making any decisions at this time of the year. Trust me, people say, and often do, incredibly stupid things this time of the years - things that can do a lot of damage to a relationship. Eight years is a long time to just flush away. It is mark of our society that we tend to throw things away instead of repairing them. IMHO, a marriage, especially with children involved, is worth the effort to repair.

 

[AnnieBee]

Re: SeparationDitto Janet and KG.

If the counselor made you come out fighting more, then either they were not good, or not a good fit for you as a couple. DEFINATELY try a different one, and if possible ask for recommendations (or go to a local church and ask the pastor for help and/or recommendations). And I also agree that it can still be hugely beneficial to attend counselling alone if that is the only option.

There are also some great programs for marriage mentoring (some people in our church got trained to do this), where you meet with another couple, get assessed on your relationship (not as in how good or bad it is, but how you deal with different areas of the relationship), and figure out areas to be working on. The older/more experienced couple mentors the other one, and does some individual stuff too (meaning the wives talk and the husbands talk seperately too). If this sounds helpful or useful, I'll try to dig out the info on the organisation - I'm not sure what areas this one is in, but I would guess there would be others like it...

There is also a great book that I would recommend called "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman. It will not fix (or address) everything, but it is challenging, and if you are ready to try to work hard yourself, (even without a guarantee that he will too), then it is a good one to read, for a different perspective on repairing a relationship by simply trying to work to show your spouse (or S.O.) love in a way that they will relate to. I'm not doing a good job explaining it, but there are others here who will also recommend it and can add if they want to! Here is the web-site to check out if you're interested. It is Bible based, but applies to those of different (or no) faith, as it really talks about how we realte to each other.

Oh, and one last comment. It is often stated as a fact that it is better for the kid for the parents to get divorced if thigs have degraded so badly. This is largely not true. What is better for the kid is to have parents who work on the relationship and provide love and stability. Now if there is abuse (mental/verbal or physical) involved, then that is a different matter...

ETA: And obviously if one person is absolutely unwilling to mend the relationship, then there may not be much you can do to change the situation. However, even in this case, I'd recommend reading the Gary Chapman book.

 

[allisonserna]

Re: Separationgood luck!

I left my hubby labor day and just moved back in... not because things are going better, but because there is a child in the mix of all of this and ALL of my family and friends said it was better for me to be miserable, than for our child to grow up in separate households.

My parents even paid his rent 2 months in a row and left me out to dry!

I had to move back in so I wouldn't have to move into my car!

Be sure to have financial support from your family and friends!

The State of California could not help very much financially... (My rent was $950 to rent 2 rooms in a 3 bedroom house, and my cash aid was $650 + $400 in food stamps... and I had other bills on top of this to pay, with no income because I've been a stay at home mom all this time, and with our economy there are a lot of people unemployed besides me)

 

[ChefKrisB]

Re: SeparationKristin,
Even if he won't go to talk to someone, you should. I have similar problems with my husband. Thankfully, we have finally begun to communicate more. I too have young kids (7 & 5). However, when I considered leaving, I had alot of the same fears. How would I be able to support two kids on my own, etc. But, I knew that I just could and would. They are my kids, nothing would prevent me from getting through. We didn't seperate...but came close. Ultimately, he didn't want to lose us. IMO, I don't think that staying together for the sake of the child is always the best. I would rather that my children still have a relationship with dad, but without all the fighting, negativity, and so on. My 7 yr old knew that things were bad, and was worried that it was somehow his fault. Not the type of thing I wanted him feeling. I agree that now may not be the best time to make any major decisions...this is a wacky time of year when emotions run high.
Either way, get some support for yourself, both emotional and financial.
Can I ask...do you still love him? That is the biggest question (IMO) that you need to answer. If you do, then you will find a way to work through. Good luck...{{hugs}}

 

[rennea]

Re: SeparationKristin I won't give you any marital advise because I don't feel that it is my place but I do believe everyone deserves to be happy. If you are not happy the people around you won't be happy. That I do know, I haven't been happy these last few months so my DH hasn't been happy!!! I'm working on it though

I am sorry that you are going through this. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

 

[wadesgirl]

Re: SeparationI agree about finding another counselor. Even if he won't you could still go by yourself.

 

[HH_04]

Re: SeparationThe name of the movie with Kirk Cameron is "Fireproof". It is really a great movie and you should definitely go see it and take your husband with if you can or if you rent it...have him watch it with you.

Good Luck1

 

[pamperedbecky]

Re: SeparationKristin,
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. That's so tough-especially with a child involved. You do deserve to be happy. So, even if he's not willing to try another counselor for marriage counseling, consider going to someone individually just for yourself. They can help you sort through your thoughts and feelings and be a support for YOU since it's hard to take care of yourself during these times when I'm sure you're so worried about your son.

Good luck! I'll be thinking about you.

 

[pcchefjane]

Re: SeparationI separated almost 17 years ago after almost 15 years of marriage. I also advice to seek a different counselor. You can rent "Fireproof" on DVD now and I highly recommend it though I didn't go myself. My DD and SIL did and loved it! I also advise to get the "Five Love Languages" book. I lead a class for Single Women back last Spring and it was a real eyeopener. If your love language is something your spouse is not communicating to you with and vice versa, it can make a lot of difference in a marriage...and any relationship! I will keep you in my prayers. If I had had all the resources available today for couples, I may still have been married. My ex withdrew from us due to depression and emotional issues for 2 years before he became violent, quit his Wellbutrin medication cold turkey, and knocked me down.

 

[Sheleif]

Re: SeparationI have no advice but I wish you the best. (((hugs)))

 

[cookingwithlove]

Re: SeparationHi Kristin,

I have no real advice for you except to tell you that I came from a divorced family. The easiest and most amicable divorces are still very hard. You have a child with this man. Divorce does not only affect you, but also your son and somehow I hope you can make it work with your husband.

Best wishes to you,

 

[PCGINA]

Re: SeparationFrom janetupnorth's tagline...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

you are doing the right thing ... asking for help...

Know that you are being prayed for...

 

[cmdtrgd]

Re: SeparationI can only tell you my experience. Husband has been going to a counselor this year and our marriage has improved immensely. He didn't go to help our marriage, but has been able to communicate and understand me better and vice versa. You might want to try separate counseling as well as couples therapy. And, I would not advise it all comes from the same person.

 

[raebates]

Re: SeparationYou've already received the advice I'd give: check into another counselor (some are just bad) and don't make any hasty decisions, especially during this time of year. It's important to know that you've done everything you could to repair the relationship before walking away from it. You'll be in my prayers.

 

[chefkristin]

Re: SeparationYou guys are wonderful! Thanks so much for all your support. I know we should try to work it out. I have been trying for a long time. I will take all advice under my wing and hopefully things will work out for the best. I will keep you all posted. I definitely want to see "Fireproof". The book also sounds great!
I love you guys and will keep you all posted. I really hate this.

 

[Kodeysmom]

Re: SeparationFrom experience, just over the past few months. My husband and I split up. We have a 4 year old. We did go to counseling together. It helped. But i also sat down and scoured the web for helpful sites and articles and there are allot of them and quite a bit if insight. We are back together and doing better than ever. But this is something that we have to work on every day. And it is not easy. The best of luck to you and I hope it works out for the best.

 

[heather223]

Re: SeparationFrom experience, my husband and I went to see a marriage counselor and after 2 sessions with the guy we were the same as you- came out worse then we when in. We were both willing to still try so we tried a different counselor. Made all the difference in the world... try someone else.

I have to add.. we have stopped going to counseling and it still is a battle at times and there are still days that I really wonder if I want to be married and then there are days where I am content. All I am saying is love is never an easy road and will never be perfect.

 

[Kodeysmom]

Re: SeparationI feel the exact same way you do. One good thing we have going for us is that we have never hated each other or even really disliked each other. Its more of the -do we love each other anymore, do we love each other enough, to stay together, So thats our battle. But I do still wonder if i want to be married, but we have made the decision that yes we do and we continue to work on things and make things better and happier for everyones sake.

From experience, my husband and I went to see a marriage counselor and after 2 sessions with the guy we were the same as you- came out worse then we when in. We were both willing to still try so we tried a different counselor. Made all the difference in the world... try someone else.

I have to add.. we have stopped going to counseling and it still is a battle at times and there are still days that I really wonder if I want to be married and then there are days where I am content. All I am saying is love is never an easy road and will never be perfect.

 

[Ann F]

Re: SeparationI'm so sorry to hear of your distress. May I recommend the book Divorce Busters? It has some good ideas in it. The 5 Languages book is good, as well.

Please bear in mind that relationships (love, friendship,parent-child) cycle. I sometimes think of them as cogs--they don't always mesh but should come back around. Love is an action-word, a verb if you will. It is NOT a feeling.

Someone once asked my dad how he and Mother made such a successful marriage. This was after 40+ years together. He said, "Well, I don't know. We're still working on it!" They were married 56 years before he passed away.

My marriage, sadly, was over this past August after 29 years. My husband left and wouldn't come back. After being suicidal for a time, I adopted the motto, "Thrive, don't just Survive."

I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and wish you all the best. Read those two books. Try to get him to read them, too, and PRAY.

Hang in there.
All the best,
Ann

 

[raebates]

Re: SeparationAnn, I'm glad you're doing better. You've been in my prayers.

 

[janetupnorth]

Re: SeparationYes Ann, very glad you got through that dark spot!!!!

 

[cmdtrgd]

Re: SeparationGlad you are feeling better. Please realize that staying together "for the sake of the child" can actually create more harm than good. Imagine what kind of role model you are being and what you are teaching your child.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Re: Separation

Glad you are feeling better. Please realize that staying together "for the sake of the child" can actually create more harm than good. Imagine what kind of role model you are being and what you are teaching your child.

I'm sorry - but I just have to comment on this. I consider this to be modern psycho-babble.

You stay together, and work on your marriage especially for the sake of children involved.

Being an adult child of divorce - and having studied extensively the effects of divorce on children as they grow up and become adults (because I know how it effected me as an adult) - the best role model you can be for your children is to show them that adults don't quit when the going gets tough. They find a way to make things work, and they stay.


Adult Children of Legal and Emotional Divorce. by Jim Conway is one of several very good books on this subject.

 

[Grandmarita]

Re: SeparationI'm sad for you because I know the pain personally. Back in the late 60's, there was not the kind of help available then, that there is now. I had a very poor counselor to
made things worse for us. I took the divorce route after 14 years.

Shortly after that, I heard about Marriage Encounter. My sister and her husband made a weekend. They have been married close to 45 years, now. It is a program for folks who want to communicate better about the four most difficult areas of marriage: Money, In-laws, Sex and your relationships with God. Team couples share their personal stories. The couples who attend learn how to share with one another without feeling threatened. The method is practiced throughout the weekend by each couple in the privacy of their rooms. Meals are shared with others but you do not share your letters or experiences.

It's a time for you to focus on getting to know yourselves and your dreams. You take home the technique and continue to use it. There are opportunities to be supported by other couples in the weeks and months that follow your weekend. My current marriage has been growing for 26 years. We made three Marriage Encounters in the early years of our marriage. I truly believe it was the foundation we needed. Check your local phone book or call the Catholic Diocese you live in, and ask if there is such a weekend offered in your area. I will be praying for you.

 

[rennea]

Re: Separation

I'm sorry - but I just have to comment on this. I consider this to be modern psycho-babble.

You stay together, and work on your marriage especially for the sake of children involved.

Being an adult child of divorce - and having studied extensively the effects of divorce on children as they grow up and become adults (because I know how it effected me as an adult) - the best role model you can be for your children is to show them that adults don't quit when the going gets tough. They find a way to make things work, and they stay.


Adult Children of Legal and Emotional Divorce. by Jim Conway is one of several very good books on this subject.

Though I don't necessary disagree with you Becky, my parents will have been married for 41 years in February and they should have divorced 40 years ago! My mother "stayed because of her girls" and she only said this to me one time and would never say it again because she knows they response she would get after the first time. She is to NEVER blame me for her mistakes, and she NEVER did me any favors by staying, My parents can't stand each other, my Mother has tried to end her life many times because she is so unhappy in her marriage.
I lived through a VERY terrible childhood, one that I would never wish upon another another person. My parents should have split, boy oh boy would my life be different today. My sister still is in counseling to this day.

It's amazing that I have a good marriage after everything I went through as a child. I used to envy the kids that had divorced parents!! I know pretty bad!

Every marriage and situation is different.

 

[AnnieBee]

Re: SeparationI absolutely second the Marriage Encounter, for ANY married couple.

DH and I did the Engaged Encounter, and it was great. And they stressed that the ME is not only for couples in crisis, but for anyone who wants to improve their marriage, communication and relationship with their spouse.

And it is not only a catholic thing, in case that is an issue.

 

[rennea]

Re: Separation

I absolutely second the Marriage Encounter, for ANY married couple.

DH and I did the Engaged Encounter, and it was great. And they stressed that the ME is not only for couples in crisis, but for anyone who wants to improve their marriage, communication and relationship with their spouse.

And it is not only a catholic thing, in case that is an issue.

I have never heard of this before. I do find a lot of programs are "religion" based and those would never work for my DH.

 

[AnnieBee]

Re: SeparationHaving NOT done the ME personally (Only the EE) I can't say for sure, but my guess is that it has a religious perspective, and yes, it will probably talk about God, but the main part is having the two of you focus on communicating and answering questions on a variety of topics that are important in relationships. Ours had us work through some questions individually, and then report back to our fiance on how we had answered. It is amazing what you can learn about each other doing this kind of thing, if you are willing to be honest AND listen to your S.O. There were also some "talks" and a few couples who gave testimnoy about their own relationships. It is a very good expereince!

Maybe Grandmarita could fill in some more...

 

[Evelynt]

Re: SeparationI am only now beginning to realize the extent of the damage done to myself and my children by staying in my marriage. I am now also realizing just how "sick" our marriage was.
I now have the clarity I needed to see it for what it was. I started journaling 2 years ago and when I reread what I have written I am ashamed for not getting out sooner. It took me leaving to see just how sick our home had become.
I did go to counseling (he thought it cost too much) I also went to al anon.My suggestion is to check the health of your relationship, see a counselor, make a good/bad list and journal your feelings and the daily events of your married life.Ask someone close to your marriage to give their unbiased opinion. We don't always see the reality of our own situations.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Re: Separation

Though I don't necessary disagree with you Becky, my parents will have been married for 41 years in February and they should have divorced 40 years ago! My mother "stayed because of her girls" and she only said this to me one time and would never say it again because she knows they response she would get after the first time. She is to NEVER blame me for her mistakes, and she NEVER did me any favors by staying, My parents can't stand each other, my Mother has tried to end her life many times because she is so unhappy in her marriage.
I lived through a VERY terrible childhood, one that I would never wish upon another another person. My parents should have split, boy oh boy would my life be different today. My sister still is in counseling to this day.

It's amazing that I have a good marriage after everything I went through as a child. I used to envy the kids that had divorced parents!! I know pretty bad!

Every marriage and situation is different.

That is a very sad situation, Rennea.

I guess the important part of my post was not about the staying - it was the part about working on your marriage to make it good.

What you have experienced (and what I experienced for years previous to my parents actual divorce) is what Jim Conway calls "emotional divorce", and it has the same profound effect on children as a legal divorce. If you are going to stay and not do anything to make it better, but just endure, than it's just as bad as divorce, IMO.

I too am always amazed that I married a man as wonderful as my DH, and have the marriage that I have. Statistically, my life should be much different.

 

[Crystal Patton]

Re: SeparationI have to throw in my 'two cents worth'. I am my husband's fourth wife. When we married we promised each other that as long as one of us wanted to work on the marriage the other had to show some effort. In year 2 I was done, but he wanted to work on it, so we went to 4 counselers before we found a GREAT one. Our marriage was so much better. But in year 6 he was done and I wanted to work on it, our previous counseler was no longer available, so we went through 2 more before we found a good fit. We just celebrated our 10 year ann. and our marriage is really strong. We still have bad months (yes, I said months - marriage is WORK) but we work through them together. If your hubby is willing to go to a counseler then keep looking for one that fits you guys. It is sooooo worth the effort. I'll pray for you and hope that things work out.

 

[cookingwithlove]

Re: Separation

You stay together, and work on your marriage especially for the sake of children involved.

I think the key here is that you WORK on your marriage. If you stay together and do not fix anything, then everyone still get hurts. It is work. I have a fantastic marriage. Many people say that we are lucky. My husband says, "Luck has nothing to do with it. It is all hard work!"

I think it is fabulous that he wants to work on the marriage. This shows that he too is committed.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Re: Separation

I think the key here is that you WORK on your marriage. If you stay together and do not fix anything, then everyone still get hurts. It is work. I have a fantastic marriage, many people say that we are lucky. My husband says, "Luck has nothing to do with it. It is all hard work!"

I think it is fabulous that he wants to work on the marriage. This shows that he too is committed.

LOL - see my post #40!

 

[cmdtrgd]

Re: SeparationI was just pointing out that staying in a marriage that makes you miserable and where the other person won't work on it is probably going to show your child(ren) that you aren't worth it to be happy therefore they aren't worth it. I can't tell you how many kids I work with feel that way. Now, I do not advocate divorce, but if you are the only one working on a two person relationship, you might want to look at why.Staying "for the sake of the children" may or may not be healthy. Who do the kids learn from the most? Their parents! If they learn that being a Mom is about taking all the @#$@#$ that someone can throw at you and not doing anything to change that, what do you think their adult relationships will be like?

 

[raebates]

Re: SeparationThat's exactly why the old saying about time healing all wounds is ridiculous. Time heals nothing. I'm a big believer in staying together as long as abuse is not involved. That said, I'm definitely not a fan of gritting your teeth and grudgingly staying in a miserable marriage "for the children." In that case, all you do is show your children how miserable marriage can be. (I'm with ya, Rennea. Trust me. I have an aunt and uncle who did that. Their kids are really a mess.) Wendy and Becky have it right. It's the work that counts. Any of you who have read many of my posts know I have a wonderful marriage to the amazing Furry Guy. It wasn't always that way. I was married before. Thankfully, we had no children, and our divorce was fairly amicable. But, it still hurt a lot of people. It even hurt The Furry Guy, since he had to deal with the fallout from a lot of baggage. We had a several rocky years. Nothing horrible, just not particularly happy times. As the years went by, those bad times got fewer and farther between because we began to really work on our relationship. Well, I began to work on it. He began to respond, so I worked a bit more. That made him respond even more. Soon we were working together to make it good.We'll have been married for 24 years in March. I think about the times that I almost gave up, and I'm glad I stuck with it. I now have a marriage I never knew existed--warm, friendly, caring, loving.

 

[cmdtrgd]

Re: SeparationExactly, Rae. I just hate to see someone blindly make the decision to stay for the kids or for the whatever. It has to work for both people (and their kids) and they have to WORK for it! We've been married over 10 years and have seen ups and downs.

 

[wadesgirl]

Re: SeparationLike a majority of people out there any more it seems like, I'm from a divorced family. In my situation it was BEST for us kids that my parents got a divorce. They separated first when I was in 2nd grade (back in the 80's when divorce wasn't as popular as it is today). We lived with my mom, what a joke. They got back together but finally divorced when I was in 5th grade. This time we lived with my dad and it was for the best. My mother was not a very good person and would have not been a good influence on us growing up.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Re: SeparationMy parents divorced the summer before my senior year of high school - I was devestated! (I had to move to another state with my mom and brother and give-up everything that I knew...my senior year!). Eventually, I realized that everything was for the best. Had my parents stayed married I more than likely would not have gone to college - maybe to the community college for a semester or two and found a job somewhere (afterall, it worked for my dad...). It did take me years to get over it, my parents were/are pretty bitter towards each other (they have been divorced for 32 years...). For the longest time I was the go-between and was very confused about the whole thing. Whaever you decide to do - leave the kids out of it and don't belittle the other parent to them - no matter how bad they are. Some people just aren't meant to stay married.

 

[gingertannery]

Re: SeparationJust give it all you have..(unless there is abuse).. it can be worth saving.. you'll have to decide. Go to counseling..even if it is by yourself. The damage to the child can be great with a divorce but abuse is worse on a child. They learn how to abuse/or take abuse. Run if there is abuse.
Then after it is all said and done.. if it still doesn't work out... you can walk away knowing you tried everything.
Statistically, many 1st marriages end in divorce 50% of the time... 2nd marriages end 70% of the time and it gets worst the more times you get married.....so the message here is if you have something salvage-able ...your chances are better with a first marriage. Good luck. I will be praying for you.
At least he is willing to go to counseling...many men would not even do that. See if you can re-kindle what you had before.

 

[JAE]

Re: SeparationHere's my two cents. My husband and I went through a rough patch a few years back. I wanted out sooo badly. I think God somehow convinced me that I would not be happier divorced. God hates divorce and there is a reason for that. I had to make a decision to stop focusing on my disappointments. I had to focus on the good in everything, not just my husband. I remember praying to God and telling him that I just wanted out and I don't want to be married to my husband any more. That helped, just to get it out to God. He knew anyway. Why hide it. Talking to God honestly has a way of getting your mind right. Just imagine what he would say back to you if you called out to him in all honesty. I believe he was saying to me "I love you. I know how you feel. I'm here with you. I'll make you strong. I won't leave you. Etc..."

I also don't really agree that anyone "deserves" to be happy. If someone isn't happy, it isn't anyone's fault but that person's. If someone isn't happy then that someone needs to get happy from the inside not from the outside. I don't believe we can blame others for our own unhappiness. I'm not saying this in judgement. I've suffered from this way of thinking. If I can focus on the good in my life I'm much happier then when I'm focusing on the problems of my life.

My husband hasn't changed that much since our bad times. I've changed my expectations and my focus. He's not abusive. He's a great father. He's responsible and hardworking. He doesn't blow money irresponsibly. He takes us to church on Sunday. He doesn't complain about my cooking even when it's bad. He doesn't get upset with me when he comes home to a messy house or loud children. I could list his bad qualities, but I really don't want to think about them. I used to be able to list them off w/o thinking because it's all I focused on. Yes, I do get ticked at him and I tell him about it, but I don't dwell on his bad points. Do I want him dwelling on mine?

I hope you work things out and get the help you need.