How to Handle a Friend Who Frequently Cancels Plans: Am I Overreacting?

[samcmills]

I can't post this on my mom's board because the friend in question is on there and we have a lot of the same friends. I know you cheffers have some great input and I would love to hear some to help me think through this situation.

I have been friends with this woman for over 4 years. She is interesting to say the least but for the most part fun to hang out with. I have had problems with her saying she is going to do something and then cancelling for whatever reason (our kids love to play together, it has gotten to where I normally don't tell my kids anymore when things are planned until I see them pull into the parking lot, got tired of disappointing them when I had to tell them plans changed and they wouldn't see their friend).

Anyway she has become friends with this other lady in the last few months. We had a scrapbook crop night Saturday and said let's do something Monday when both our DH's were busy. She calls me today at 11 a.m. and says lets take the kids to the pizza place. My youngest gets home on the bus and I tell him about it. Wouldn't you know it not two minutes later she is calling me. This other friend's washer broke over the weekend and she called to ask if she could come wash her towels she sopped up the water with.

Instead of telling this lady she had plans she told her no problem to come on over, then she calls me to see if we can change our plans because she says is in the middle here and doesn't want to disappoint either friend. I was stunned and extremely hurt I have to say, I kept saying well I didn't know, I had to pick up my oldest and go to the store which I had intended to do after the pizza place, she goes guilt trip on me and we end up going to her house and ordering pizza. I shouldn't have went, I wasn't mean I just didn't say much because I was upset. Guilt trip as well as not wanting to disappoint my kids after they were told they would see their friend tonight too was the factor on going.

I just feel I was thrown to the side to accommodate this new friend and I really don't appreciate it. I plan on going to her house tomorrow and talk to her about it, I couldn't get her alone last night to do so. I just think it was wrong for her to do that, when I make plans I stick with them, if my DH's plans had changed I still wouldn't have changed mine. They just became friends a couple of months ago, I just can't believe she had no other friends or family if my friend hadn't accommodated her, or do what I would have done, go to the laundromat, if my friend had told her the truth that she had plans.

So if you made it through all this information, what would you do, what would you say? Am I just being too sensitive or is my friend in the wrong for what she did?

Thanks
sam

 

[tlennhoff]

Constantly cancelling friends are difficult. In the above situation, I think I'd be less upset with the cancellation because she is helping someone out and I tend to be a lot more lenient when that is the case. As I was getting upset over this I would try to stop and ask myself "if I were in this situtation would x be there for me?" and if the answer is yes I would be more thankful for having friends that I can call on.

You might need to set some limits - only attempt to get together with her 2-4 times month so that you are not being disappointed a lot.

 

[samcmills]

She would be there for me but I wouldn't ask it of her if she made plans with other people and in the past that has happened and I haven't. I think I just expect people to act like I would in situations and that might be part of the problem.

Thank you for the input.

 

[cmdtrgd]

Maybe the new friend didn't know that she had already made plans. I would confront your friend, not her new friend, and ask her what's up. Let her know that you feel like you are disposable if something comes up. Maybe set a standing play date that can only be changed/cancelled if it is a dire emergency, like hospital type stuff. And, find other friends!

 

[ChefJesssica]

I think you are being too sensitive. She was just helping someone out. I wouldn't have had you over later for pizza, I would have just cancelled all together. Also, I NEVER tell my son if we are hanging out with other kids. You never know how things are going to play out. Kids misbehave, washers break, things happen, its life. If you wanted to go the pizza place so bad, you could have gone without her.

 

[ChefJesssica]

I think you are being too sensitive. She was just helping someone out. I wouldn't have had you over later for pizza, I would have just cancelled all together. Also, I NEVER tell my son if we are hanging out with other kids. You never know how things are going to play out. Kids misbehave, washers break, things happen, its life. If you wanted to go the pizza place so bad, you could have gone without her.

I just re read this and it sounds kind of snotty. Its not supposed to be, just giving my opinion.

 

[samcmills]

Yeah it did sound kind of snotty but everyone is entitled to their opinion as my FIL always said. I tried to get out of it but she kept on and on about I needed to come over, etc.

She called me today and we talked about it, she doesn't feel she did anything wrong. Our plans were concrete though, times set and everything. I know things happen but I went over there today to talk to her and the laundry lady showed up again to do laundry, so IMO she could have waited. I know my friend didn't tell her she had plans, that is the problem. I was the plans and it wasn't important enough to mention, the lady would have found another way to get her dirty towels done or wait until today and bring them with the laundry she was doing today, it wasn't an emergency.

Thanks for the opinions.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

I have a friend that sounds alot like your friend.....We have been friends for years, and I used to be her boss!
My friend constantlycancels plans at the last minute (plans that she initiated) because some crisis comes up that needs her attention. I have figured out that she is someone who desperately needs to be needed, and always wants to be the rescuer. So if someone makes a plea for help, everything (and everyone) else gets put aside. She just loves living in the middle of everyone's crisis! So, when we "make plans" - I write them down in pencil, and have just learned to have very low expectations. It does hurt sometimes that just because I don't needher the way that others do, I am considered less important - but I have had to learn to just accept her as she is, and move on. She isn't my only friend, so I have many other social and emotional outlets, and we always have alot of fun when plans do work out. My DH just considers her a disfunctional flake

 

[samcmills]

ChefBecky it sounds like we have the same friend, you are so right on that. My friend does have that need to be needed attitude.

 

[jentapp]

If she did go on and on about wanting you to come over, she clearly must have felt badly about cancelling on you again. Maybe the new friend worded her request in such a way that your friend would feel guilty if she said no to her (intentionally or not, some people don't consider or understand how their phrasing will make others feel).

That said, I've had friends who constantly cancel. One of them would always promise my kids things and then never followed through. We all got to the point where we didn't believe her until she showed up with whatever it was or whenever it was. Thankfully that one moved and we haven't heard from her since. I think your plan to not tell the kids until you see "the whites of her eyes" is a good one and will serve you and your friendship well in the future. Sometimes you just have to look past someone's imperfections and just love them for who they are.

 

[jrstephens]

I can understand the frustration of constant plan changing. I have a friend that we have been planning to take our kids to McDonalds together for weeks. She ends up coming but always has an excuse for leaving work early and not having the time to pick her son up first (his daycare is in the opposite town of McDonalds). Luckily my son is only 2 and after asking where the little boy is he goes on with playing and eating.

In this case, I think she had a good reason to cancel, but with so many excuses and cancellations in the past I can see where you have gotten to the point that any excuse for a cancellation becomes a problem and I completely understand that, especially when it is for a new friend.

If after you talked to her about it, she continues to act the same way as hard as it may be I think I would write her off. Or maybe just wait around for her to make a move to mend and get the friendship back on track. I always get to a point that I get tired of being the one putting forth the effort and I stop it and wait for them to put forth the effort. Unfortunately, I have lost a few friends that way, but my opinion is if they do not care enough to miss you and want to put forth the effort for the friendship then those are not the kind of friends I need in the first place - friendship is a two way street in my book!

 

[mom2leelee]

IMO to keep yourself sane you need to set limits with friendships. Also, and this might sound snotty, but I believe in a true friend ship you get back as much as you give. If you find yourself giving and giving and she just isnt' giving back I think you need to rethink your relationship with her. I'm not saying you have to write her off completely just put her into a different catagory of friendship. I'm just like that tough, I'm not going to follow someone around trying to make a relationship work when the other party isn't into it as much as I am.

 

[tlennhoff]

If after you talked to her about it, she continues to act the same way as hard as it may be I think I would write her off. Or maybe just wait around for her to make a move to mend and get the friendship back on track. I always get to a point that I get tired of being the one putting forth the effort and I stop it and wait for them to put forth the effort. Unfortunately, I have lost a few friends that way, but my opinion is if they do not care enough to miss you and want to put forth the effort for the friendship then those are not the kind of friends I need in the first place - friendship is a two way street in my book!

This is so true. I've also had this happen and in the end losing the friendship was better than all the anger I was unable of letting go of while we were friends.