Cross Your Fingers and Cross Your Toes for Me

[heather9892]

i need to tell hubby i will not be returning to work this month and this will not be easy :cry:

i honestly cant see why when after i pay for child care i will not be bring home alot of money anyway

i can go out twice a week with pc and earn as much, i know pc could add to my income but if i return to work i will not be able to focus as much on pc and work a split shift so would be getting out late everyday as well.

he for some reason thinks our 2 yr old shud go to daycare and i need to work at a "real" job :yuck: he is not going to be happy and this could start world war 3 in our house

anyway need as many fingers and toes crossed as possible
thanks

 

[ljeffries]

You need to BOTH talk about it and do what is best for your family.
I see your side re: the $$, but I see his side re: the need for your child to go to daycare.
Things will work out for the best!

 

[heather9892]

lamar
if it were only that easy
we are both stubborn and he thinks his way is the only way things are going to happen
and there are lots of programs for our son to go to to get the socialization he needs

thanks still need those fingers and toes crossed

 

[ginamkiely]

heather i'm with you on this one. i'm a stay at home mom and where we live daycare is so expensive that if i was to get a "real job" (that term makes me so mad, though i hear it daily), we wouldn't have any money left from my salary anyway.

stick to your guns girl, you know what's best for your son and you! your husband will get over it, if not you can always get a new husband. JUST KIDDING. everything will work out!

 

[jenniferp417]

There are calculator things online that show how much of your salary is left after daycare, transportation, etc. That might help.

 

[heather9892]

your husband will get over it, if not you can always get a new husband.

gina
that is so funny!!! trust me there are days when that sounds like the best option out there. and i really am with you on the "real" job thing as well, makes me mad too especially when i get "what did you do all day?" and when i ask him what he does its usually surfing the internet or flogging the dog cause their not busy right now. and to boot he gets paid way too much money to do those things lol

jennifer
thanks i have the program on my computer that calculates the take home pay after taxes and the problem is for me to get that "real" job i would have to work out of town, live in small town outside toronto. and the time spent away from home would be just too long. so to work here in town the pay is awful, only $12/hr and daycare is $40/day so even before taxes there goes almost 1/2 my pay

 

[missydivine]

Good luck with whatever your family decides!

 

[chefjeanine]

child care, travel to and from work (and to pick up your child from daycare), work clothes. Those are just a few things to consider.

 

[Chef Michelle D]

Good luck, I didn't want to go to work after I had my son so I did daycare out of my home for 6 years. It is not an option for every family but you being with your son is what is best for him. I do think he needs interaction with other children and like you said you can give him that. So good luck and remind your husband that you can cut back on things to save $$$.

 

[Christ Follower]

The "real" job thing is funny. I think almost all SAHM's have had that conversation with their DH's! Did you ever read the internet joke about that? It's really long but the gist of it was that the husband came home from work one evening to find his kids running wild, the milk & morning dishes still left out, laundrey everywhere, lipstick and pen marks all over the walls etc, when he went upstairs (now worried) thinking his wife was ill, he found her in bed watching t.v.! He asked "What happened here today!?" She replied, "You know how you always ask me 'what do you do all day?'" "Well, today I didn't do it." :0)

 

[Carissidy]

Good Luck Heather, I have been a stay at home mom now for 4 years, my husband is supportive of it but I still get the maybe you should get a part time job or the "what did you do all day" question. It is definitely maddening. I am a strong believer in staying at home and raising your own children. I hope that you and your husband meet in the middle on this but I definitely feel for you sometimes its a pretty tough case to plead..

 

[reba515]

My youngest just started Kindergarten so now I have no kids here from 8-3 My DH thinks I should get a "real job" too. Which is fine BUT.....who is going to do everything else I keep asking? most of the time I don't where the day goes. Who will cook dinner, do the shopping, clean the house, bring animals to the vet, kids to the doctor,laundry????

because surley I won't be able to do all this between 3:00 and bedtime with driving to and from practices, PC shows, games,and other evening things I am committed too.

I told him he'll have to "step up to the plate" he says he will but I will see!

Good luck Heather! (I feel your pain =) )


ps- he's golfing as I type

 

[heather9892]

ps- he's golfing as I type

yup know about that too hubby was gone sat and sun from 630-3
then comes home and looks at the toys on the floor
and makes the comment "oh thanks you left the kitchen for me"
ever tried to tidy up after getting home from vacation with a 2 yr old not fun or easy lol

thanks guys i know whats best for my son and being home with me will make him a better person then having to fight for attention with 10 other children all day. never mind getting up at 6 and coming home after 4. too long of a day for both of us lol

 

[Cindycooks]

Heather - can you look into a playgroup or preschool for your son - something maybe a couple hours a day, twice a week or so? That might make your dh feel better - it will be good for your son and will not cost that much. The preschool at my church where I teach takes 2 yr olds and it is $60 a month for 2 mornings out a week.

Good Luck in talking to him!

 

[pamperedgirl3]

I hope everything works out!

As for the socialization--there are a lot of places besides a day care that children can get that. I take my DD to the library for story time each week, we've had her in a gymnastics class, I'll periodically sign her up for classes through our city's parks & recreation dept. She'll start preschool next fall when she's 3. I plan to do the same kinds of things for my son when he's old enough.

 

[peichef]

heather -- are you married to my husband?!?!my husband also works insane hours. I'm a former teacher turned SAHM -- I've been home since I had my twins 6 yrs ago. My twins are starting school this year and my hubby thought I should return to work and find a spot somewhere for my 4 yr old daughter. Here are the issues we encountered -- you may find the same.
a) we just relocated. All the good preschool programs are already booked solid. Even if we could get in, they are only 3 mornings a week. I'd stil need to find care for her before and after preschool -- with someone willing to transport her.
b) the school for my boys -- I have to drive them (too far to walk, no bus), I have to pick them up for lunch or PAY to have them eat in the classroom. (I'd like to know who negotiated that contract?!?) School lets out at 2:30. I have to pick them up. OR I could PAY for before and after school programs (as well as the lunch program).
c) no full time / part time teaching jobs have been avail in my city since at least May. So I'd be suplying, earning aobut $130 / day. Factor in gas, bridge fare, clothes (since I own 2 pairs of pants -- neither suitable for the "real world") and I don't see myself making much money.PLUS... the kids need someone home. Lord knows, they hardly see their Dad since he's always working (though he says his work will slow down Mid-Month until the spring. I've heard that one before).
The other night I told him that I heard on GMA or TODAY that 90% of successful executives have a stay at home spouse. When I think about the top execs we know (and there are many) -- they ALL had a SAH spouse.So.... I'm helping him turn his business into even more of a success by staying home. He doesn't have to worry about appts, sick days, service calls, etc. I do all that. He can go to work and forget everything. Focus on business.AS for socialization -- programs at the library, play groups, classes at the supermarkets. There are all sorts of places for your son to socialize. And there is no reason not to put him in playschool part time when he gets a little older. It's only a couple of hours and you'll need to do drop off and pick up.GOOD LUCK Keep us posted.Good luck.

 

[janetupnorth]

I am NOT a SAHM, I am a working mom, but I wanted to comment on preschool/socialization. In many areas, people have pressed so much to moms that kids NEED to go to preschool to be socialized, etc. Hmm...I never went to preschool and turned out just fine (well some might argue... )

Anyway, I have decided for my kids preschool was not for them - I figured if they are like mom at all they'd be in school the rest of their lives, why take away the few years of playtime they have!

I agree that there are MANY ways to socialize your kids, even more so if you get to be a SAHM. You can go to the park, library, we have YMCA programs here, AWANA, Sunday School, Family Camps in the summer.

My son is at a home (only kid during school time then my DD joins him) and he is plenty social and ready for school. Don't give in to "social pressures" of what is right for your kids, go with your gut and what you see with your kids. If you get to enjoy some time with your 2 yr old - go for it! I wish I could stay home with mine some days, but of course, God has other plans for us and He makes the family time available even in our insanely crazy lives!

But above all, don't DEMAND this of your husband...talk through the options, your feelings, etc. You need to be in agreement on these decisions or the tension will increase and your 2 yr. old will feel the cause of it. I hope you two can talk it out and come to a mutual agreement.

 

[Chef Michelle D]

It's not so easy to get a job during school hours when you need to take time off for vacations and teacher professioanl days and the holidays that your job doesn't take off. And don't forget kids get sick and who is going to stay home with them? It all sounds good the kids are in school so get a job but you have to think about all of this. And don't forget the summer what do you do then?

Good luck keep up updated.

 

[Kathytnt]

Men are all about the money - Show him the $$ at work. This is what I will make with PC compared to current job. Child can be socialized at the park or Mother's day out etc. This is the plan. Doing it as a discussion rather than an ultimatum. Show him that you have really thought this through and how much you enjoy PC etc.

 

[PChefPEI]

I'm also a Mom who works outside the home with a three year old daughter. My in-laws live with us in the summer, so my DMIL watches her 4 days a week, and she goes to daycare on Fridays.

My DMIL is trying to convince me to take her to her place when the fall and winter come (they move back to town, about 45 minutes away, where I work as well.) I didn't want to, because I think DD should be socializing with other kids. She's very shy. DH and I were talking and it would save a whole lot of money ($140 per week) because he can watch her a couple days a week as well.

I think I will probably do that and take care of the socializing by getting her involved in some type of activity. The other issue I had was that my DMIL spoils her rotten, which sometimes makes my life a little more difficult. :yuck:

So, I am on your side, Heather!!! But listen to what DH has to say (or at least pretend to! LOL) and then try to make what you want seem like it's his idea!!

Good luck....my fingers and toes are crossed for ya!!

 

[heather9892]

thanks everyone
i really do try not to demand etc because i dont like to be told what to do. we have been together for 16yrs and until ds came along we pretty much gave each other the freedom to do as we pleased, to a certain extent of course. to say the least we were both pretty set in our ways.
once ds came along not only did my freedom seem to get taken away, while his remained intack, golfing all weekend every weekend for the 1st 2 summers but my money was cut in half.
i know its going to be a battle because he doesnt view pc as a job and is not supportive of it at all, when i go to do a party or to a mtg/training he gets annoyed
and has been telling me since ds was 6 mths to get back to work

 

[Marg]

I am a SAHM, too. Two of my kids are in school (Grade 2 and SK this year) and the other two are home with me. My three year old goes to a nursery program M/W/F afternoons from 12:30 until 3pm and I pay $215 a month for that. He loves it and my little one naps at around 1pm, so that gives me a good block of time to work my PC business, clean the house, do laundry, whatever. Maybe a nursery type program would be a good compromise?

 

[chefkristin]

The lord must be looking over me at this point in my life. I found a wonderful part-time job in the profession that I have been in for a long time. I start my new job in Accounts Payable today and by some miracle it is mothers hours. My boss is paying me top dollar and I will be making almost as much as I was working full time. My son is in kindergarten and I can now be here in the morning and every afternoon when he is here. BUT.... he just recently finished up daycare/pre-school and I was paying $189.00 a week for 3 days. I understand your position with the money. I do think though that you should try to sit down and go over the budget with your DH and weigh out the options. I hope that everything works out for you all. Keep the faith. Money is a never ending battle between couples. Don't let it consume you.

 

[heather9892]

kristin
thanks
money and children are supposed to be the top reasons cpls agrue

ours is money and housework

yes im sure it will all work out, i have a job to go to in a new daycare but now they dont have a spot for my son
everything happens for a reason just havent figured out why yet lol

thanks again

 

[peichef]

heather -- it will all work out. Maybe if you suggest a set time frame to let him see you realize the full potential of your PC business, he's feel less stressed about the $$.

I know my husband finds it soooo stressful being the sole earner. When you think about it, that is an awesome responsibility. I'm sure that part of the reason DHs are often so eager for us to "go back to work". It is something we both discussed long before marriage, so I know supports my being home, though I think he sometimes thinks his life would be easier if I had paid employment (other than PC).
If both of you are willing to make some sacrifices (golf is an expensive sport) you can probably swing the $ aspect.
You both have to be comfortable with your decision. He needs to remember that if you are miserable, your son and DH will most likely be miserable, too. Like Dr Phil says, "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!!".

Good luck.

 

[jenf]

If you husband is concerned about socialization. You might check into Mother's Day out which usually meets a couple of days a week and seems to be cheaper than daycare. I am involved in a Mother's Bible Study and a MOPS group. They have free or very inexpensive childcare at both so I my little girl still gets to be around other kids atleast once or twice a week. Maybe this would be a compromise for your situation. Hope everything works out for you.

 

[tpchefrebecca]

Heather I hope everything works out for you.

I am a SAHM too and I went back to work last year for 6 mo. and loved it. However, the hours were perfect and I did it so my daughter could go to pre-3 at that time. When we moved here in Feb. I knew that i couldn't go back to work and my DH was dead set on not sending our DD to school and I was sad about it. I had her all winter and summer along with DS in the summer after school let out and I kept them busy with MOMS Club. I have yearly dues and most activities are free. The kids had the busiest summer ever and the most fun. Now DS is back at school (3rd gr.) and DD will be going back to school (pre-K) next week and I am estatic! We can't really afford the $140/mo for 3 half days a week, but I am willing to cut back on most things just to send her. It is not for socialization only, but for the structure. I am not a structure kind of person and go day to day as it comes so for me putting her in school is just getting her ready for Kindergarten and starting the learning process. She is begging for it anyway so I chose to send her.

I love PC and my DH supports me 100%. I was going to stop when we moved but he thought it best to stay with it and I am glad he did. He now has been telling everyone at his work about PC and trying to get me shows so I can get the extra $$ for preschool and pay off cc's.

I do hope it all works out for you in the end. Do check out International MOMS Club and see if there is a chapter in your area. It certainly has helped me out a lot and I hope it can work for you too.

 

[Carissidy]

I hope eveything works out for you Heather! I know what it is like to be in your situation...

 

[Christ Follower]

Okay, did you tell him yet??? We want an update!

 

[heather9892]

Okay, did you tell him yet??? We want an update!

not yet
he just returned to work today from 2 weeks holidays and was actually not too bad during them
but came home miserable and we got into a fight about money, me not having any actually, and he threw his credit card at me so i could go buy diapers
guess i shud have told him since we were already fighting
i'll tell him next week after my craft show so i wont add another stress to my life right now.
i think he might have an idea though keeps asking when i start

 

[Carissidy]

It's nice to know if all is well but I am sorry he is not being very nice to you! Things will get better! Keep your chin up!

 

[tabnat80]

Pray for me too... DH says I need a "real job"Must be "that time of the month for your hubby" lol. I know it is for mine. My DH took all my credit cards and locked them up in the safe. Ok. I did go out tonight to a children's consignment and spent $300 dollars, but I bought my sons' entire winter/fall wardrobe (Pjs, shoes, dressy church clothes, play clothes, umbrella stroller, and a few Christmas gifts) and my DH flipped out. He stormed off to bed mad. I'm not the type to use credit cards. This is the only time I have used it with an exception of buying my DH's b-day gift. I too am a stay at home mommy. My hubby is always on my case about getting a "real job". When he says that i want to slap him. I would like for him to do my job for just one week. This is the hardest, yet most rewarding "job" I've ever had. I would not trade the time I've had with my son for nothing in this world. I know times are tough and we need to tighten our belts at time, but who doesn't. I don't know anyone with kids who doesn't go through rough times unless you just make a heck of a lot of money. I know the job that I left only paid 10 dollar an hour. My DH had my DSIL get me an interview at her dentist's office this past week. They offered me $8.50 and hour. This was a slap in my face. I have a bachelor's degree in business managment. dh wants me to take it. After I pay a sitter i will be lucky to bring home 100 dollars a week. I just can't constitute working for someone who doesn't offer competative pay. DH makes good money and thinks that I should just be able to jump out there and make the same. I want to smack him. Anyways, now that I'm done ranting, just wanted to say good luck with the job situation. I really do hope you are able to stay at home with your baby.

 

[heather9892]

After I pay a sitter i will be lucky to bring home 100 dollars a week. I just can't constitute working for someone who doesn't offer competative pay. DH makes good money and thinks that I should just be able to jump out there and make the same. I want to smack him. Anyways, now that I'm done ranting, just wanted to say good luck with the job situation. I really do hope you are able to stay at home with your baby

yup all of that and last night i got told that at least my ds wud be learning something at daycare:grumpy:
just who does he think has taught him how to count to 10 and all his colours
not many 2 yr olds i know can do this, he can even say yellow and thats a tough one

 

[PChefPEI]

yup all of that and last night i got told that at least my ds wud be learning something at daycare:grumpy:
just who does he think has taught him how to count to 10 and all his colours
not many 2 yr olds i know can do this, he can even say yellow and thats a tough one

My girl's three and she says "lettow"...LOL!

Stand your ground, Heather. I know it must be hard to hear your hubby say hurtful things like that (been there!! :grumpy: ) but remember that you're giving your DS the best gift of all....you at home with him! You're a great Mom, and don't ever forget it!!! :love:

 

[heather9892]

My girl's three and she says "lettow"...LOL!

Stand your ground, Heather. I know it must be hard to hear your hubby say hurtful things like that (been there!! :grumpy: ) but remember that you're giving your DS the best gift of all....you at home with him! You're a great Mom, and don't ever forget it!!! :love:

marie
its hard to stand my ground sometimes
last night he told me my car was going to be sold if i didnt start work again soon
all he wanted from me was to pay for the groceries, pay for my car, and daycare. this is the first week i havent been able to do this and its b/c someone gave me a bad cheque, so my bank took money from my personal acct to cover the overdrawn amount in my business acct.
i hate when they do that:grumpy:

 

[pamperedgirl3]

Heather,

I can't remember if this was mentioned earlier, but have you thought of watching anyone's kids during the day? I've been babysitting my nephew for 3 years now & that check pays for our groceries. Now that I'll be watching his sister too, it should pay for a few extras too! Just an idea.

 

[missydivine]

I really hope this works out for you. Maybe you should calculate what you would actually bring home after daycare, gas, etc. and show him that you can cover that with your PC.

 

[missydivine]

I'm not looking forward to dealing with my DH when our little on starts kindergarten. At least I have a little time to get my business where it needs to be.

 

[PChefAbey]

I am sorry this might not be what you want to hear but your husband sounds like a real a--hole.

 

[heather9892]

Heather,

I can't remember if this was mentioned earlier, but have you thought of watching anyone's kids during the day? I've been babysitting my nephew for 3 years now & that check pays for our groceries. Now that I'll be watching his sister too, it should pay for a few extras too! Just an idea.

he wont let me :grumpy:
doesnt want them here when he gets home or is on afternoons

 

[heather9892]

I am sorry this might not be what you want to hear but your husband sounds like a real a--hole.

your not the only one who has told me this and you likely wont be the last

i have been trying not to do the bashing here but i need to explain a little more

he is very controling and demanding when were alone at home. and when anyone comes over he's very sweet etc:yuck:

refuses to go to counseling with me b/c he doesnt need anyone telling him he needs to change

i have no access to our money so when i need something i have to justify it
last night he threw his visa at me so i could buy diapersfor our son but not with out grumbling about he shud be trained by now

i'm in a catch 22 i dont want ds to grow up without dad but i dont want him thinking this is how women are treated

i love him but alot lately i really dont like him kwim

 

[jenniferp417]

If you leave your husband - from what you've said here and how your husband sounds, your son won't lose a dad. He'll gain a healthier understanding of relationships and how women should be treated. He'll see his dad - hopefully often, if his dad will do it.Only you know when enough is enough and when compromise can't be reached. But don't stay together for your son. It doesn't do any of you any favors.I've been working through something similar with a friend of mine. She recently said that someday she wants to look her daughter in the eye and say "I did my best." I think my friend's "best" was done about three years ago - but only she knows when the time is right, or if it is... just like you may have to do.I was raised that marriage is a forever commitment, and I believe that most of the time. But there are just simply some times that for the health of everyone - mental health is important! - sometimes it's just time to go.I hope something I've said is useful. I get very upset at controlling behavior, even when I see someone doing it and it's not affecting me. It's just one of my "triggers" I guess.

 

[chefjeanine]

i have no access to our money so when i need something i have to justify it

Heather, this is such a major red flag. You don't have to answer this but I'm going to throw it out there. . .

How verbally abusive is he and has he hit you, yet?

 

[heather9892]

i just wanted everyone to know this

when i started this thread it was specifically for the fingers and toes crossed wishing me luck

it wasnt to bash my husband or have you join my pity party

i appreciate all the advice and opinions given as well as the pm's i've rec'd

as someone commented only i will know when enough is enough and although if i decide to leave my son and i will not have the life we have now, in regards to money, but i know no matter what everything happens for a reason
and what i do will turn out to be what both my self and my son were meant to live through to make us the people we were meant to be

sorry for the long sentence and i hope i didnt lose anyone

again thanks

 

[jenniferp417]

I'm glad you've taken our advice/meddling in the spirit it was intended. Whatever you decide... you know we'll be cheering you on, because you'll make the right decision.

 

[Christ Follower]

I'm glad you've taken our advice/meddling in the spirit it was intended. Whatever you decide... you know we'll be cheering you on, because you'll make the right decision.

Well said!!

 

[beepampered]

Heather:

I would be very uncomfortable and angry in your situation. Your dh presumably loves your son as much as you do and has thought through the needs. You don't agree with him and think it's worth fighting over. But there is so much other stuff going on that it's not just about you staying home.

This will be a long post because I love to give unsolicited advice. Take it or leave it.

First, I think your son would be better off in a home with two happy, semi-agreeable parents - even if you are both working - than in a home with a SAHM and fighting parents. My parents fought a lot about money and it was miserable.

Second - There is a Christian website at http://www.crown.org/library/default.aspx?catId=57 that has articles under "marriage" that may help you focus on what's important or influence your stubborn husband. They also offer free money map coaches to help you come up with a budget and force you to talk about money. I know a married couple that did this and said it saved their marriage.

Third: I just got back from a marriage weekend that emphasizes listening to your spouses 'feelings.' This means no judging, no comments, no blaming, etc. It's extremely difficult - especially if you think you'll never get a chance to state your feelings. But I think it's worth a try and here is that processed modified for your situation.

When you are both relatively not angry, ask for 10 minutes of your husband's time. Set the timer and ask him how he feels about you staying at home. Repeat back what he says but don't comment or judge. At the end of your 10 minutes (when you are probably boiling inside) tell him thanks and that you need to think about what he said to absorb it.

Try to do this every day - or better yet - have him write down his feelings if he will (my dh was/is very reluctant to be so open with his feelings.) Whatever you do, don't attack what he says. You've been doing this for a while and it hasn't made him less controlling.

Four: He sounds very logical and you sound a bit more emotional. Perhaps addressing his main concerns in a logical manner would help him see your side. If he wants you to earn more money show him the costs of working and the true income from PC. Write it down. Then, find articles about a child's needs for socialization and address those concerns on paper. List the groups you will join or the kids he will play with. Childcare at home. Find a mom that wants you to watch their child just in the morning so he won't be bothered. Beat him at his own game and perhaps he'll be more receiptive to the issue.

Five: Why did you marry him? Write down a list of at least 10 things that you love about your husband. Perhaps focusing on the positive will make you more accepting of the negative.


Good luck. It's sounds like a yucky situation and I hope it gets better....