Humor Caution - Swallow Before Reading!

[pampchefsarah]

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
--------------------------- -------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-----------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
-----------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-----------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-----------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
-----------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.
-----------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
-----------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-----------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
----------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
-----------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
-----------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------- ------ -----------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS. is done.
------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM Please use
the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
-----------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
-----------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

 

[Crystal Patton]

Very funny.

 

[chefjeanine]

Thanks Sarah! Wish there was a little picture that looks like it's laughing until it cries. That's what you did for me. THANK YOU!!! I needed that.

 

[Jessie Jolly]

Thanks for sharing!

 

[sk8rgrrl99]

Even thought I've seen that before it's just as funny this time. I love it!!

 

[susanr613]

i am so glad i am not wearing mascara today - it would be running down my cheeks!

 

[raebates]

I was a church secretary for 7 years. For a long time it was my policy to put announcements in the bulletin exactly as submitted, unless there was an obvious spelling or grammar error. That ended with one Easter Sunday bulletin. The ladies group was having a rummage sale. As usual, they were planning to use the two days before the sale to put the items out on display. This had always been announced as their put-out day. When one of the members of the congregation asked me if "put-out day" was a new fundraiser, I changed the name. I caught some flack from a couple of the ladies until I explained my reason for the change. I also once gave a member of the congregation an unintentional promotion when I listed his name incorrectly. I added a "t" to his name, so Chris became Christ. Trust me, he didn't deserve the promotion. LOL!

 

[pampchefsarah]

i am so glad i am not wearing mascara today - it would be running down my cheeks!

I am, or WAS, wearing mascara when I read this. I'm also at work, and I'm sure I annoyed the lady in the cubicle next to me, as I was trying to not laugh out loud, and ended up sounding like Muttley!

one of the members of the congregation asked me if "put-out day" was a new fundraiser, I changed the name.

Now see, there goes that Muttley laugh again!

 

[pjpamchef]

LOL!! How did you know I needed that today?!!!

 

[peichef]

oh, I soooo needed that after taking 3 grumpy kids to the grocery store. thank you. my father is a pastor, so I took special enjoyment in redaing these

 

[tlag1986]

Oh that is so funny. I needed that for sure.

 

[WLMcCoy]

Love this!!! SOOO FUNNY!

 

[pampered.chris]

Too good!! Loved it!! Thanks for sharing!!