Being Honest and up Front With Kids

[cmdtrgd]

This is me ranting, so feel free to ignore and/or ask questions for clarification. I am really upset right now, so I may come back and either edit or delete, but I needed to get this out.

Okay, my Mom and Dad are the guardians of my 10 year old niece. They have had her since she was 6 days old and Mom wouldn't have it any other way. Dad wants my brother to grow up and be in a place to take her (and want to take her!). He has two other kids by two other women. Anyhoo, I set up my niece with a gmail account so we could chat online. She doesn't like talking, especially about feelings and stuff, she is just like her dad that way. So, my Mom and Dad said it was okay, I told her not to give out her email to anyone, etc. Well, she gave her email address to a few friends (which is okay with Mom and Dad) and also to her Mom. Her Mom is the type of person who talks a big game, but doesn't even make it to the field.

Positives of the chat:
1. her spelling (which is atrocious and she is on modified spelling, too) is getting better.
2. she and I talked about two hours in the last two days. I can't even talk with her for more than 20 minutes when I am in the same room with her before she is squirming to do something else!
3. she is asking questions about my Mom's upcoming hair loss due to her chemo treatments
4. she WANTS to talk with me!!!
5. I can be silly with her without her looking at me and wondering why a 30 year old is being silly
6. my parents can view all the email and chat correspondence

They don't like it because
1. it isn't as structured as a phone call - they can control when the call happens, but she usually leaves the room and talks to her Mom by herself...thus no control of what is said, knowing what was said, what was promised, etc.
2. it is immediate
3. ???

Ugh! My Mom even asked me to lie to her and say there was a 7 day trial and now they have to pay for the email and my parents don't want to do that. I'm NOT going to lie to her!!!

I told my Dad to explain what is going on and help her through the thought process about her Mom. I didn't learn that I could choose who I did and didn't want to be around and that it wasn't a bad thing to not want to be around everyone until I was 25! I didn't know it was a possibility!

Dad wants me to tone it down to the point where she doesn't use the email anymore. I don't agree, but will go along with what they want me to do because they are raising her, I'm not. But, I did tell him that I didn't agree with that.

What is wrong with teaching a thought process and letting her make conclusions?!? What is wrong with explaining things? What is wrong with being honest with a 10 year old?

 

[BethCooks4U]

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Kate, it sounds like you are a great aunt! But the big thing you need to remember (and I hear that you know it) is that you are not the parent or in the parent role. You need to continue to respect that your parents are the parents in this case.

Be the aunt. Hopefully they will let you continue with some of the emailing since it seems to be a positive thing for her but now you have built on your relationship through what you've already done. Use that. Take her on short outings or just hang out at their house.


I speak from experience. I have 5 sons aged 17, 15, 11, and 2 when the last was born. As they entered adulthood it was like the two oldest were extra parents to the younger boys. They didn't always agree with our rules but we were able to make them realize the roles we all had to take to make the family function. Now the baby is 19 and they are all extremely close. I feel like they appreciate the lessons we taught them. The video gifts and thoughts they wrote and said to me for mother's day and the way they treat their wives and children speaks volumes.

I don't alway agree with how they do things (especially the oldest) but their children are growing up to be wonderful people and have always been a delight to be around. If asked I will give them my opinion on issues but I always say that it isn't up to me. I hope this helps you.

 

[cmdtrgd]

What I realized this morning is that I see her going down some of the same paths that I did and they are not necessary to go down! Since we have been (and are) parented by the same people, they are pointing her in the same types of directions....does that make sense? Anyhoo, I had a great childhood and my parents are great, but they are not perfect (as no people are) and I can see some not-so-positive things happening that I can help/fix/keep from happening because I lived it. That is what really triggered my strong emotions and stuff.

 

[quiverfull7]

Kate... say that very thing to your parents... pray about when to say it but do it. As parents we need to hear what and why our kids are thinking and doing. Parents aren't mind readers and we know we aren't perfect. The truth will probably hurt for a bit, but it may very well be healing in the long run.

 

[Nanisu]

Ummmm...my son, who really struggles with "live" conversation (forming thoughts, responding to others etc), will email and text message me to beat the band! I figure at least I am helping him to communicate. He is 20 and has ALWAYS been that way--with everyone. If she feels more comfortable writing than talking on the phone (which my son would rather be caught dead than talk on the phone), I say encourage her to do that. Talk to your mom and dad and tell them it's a lot less threatening to type than talk out loud. I finally broke down and got my son a sidekick phone because he was just so much more comfortable texting. And I'll get up in the morning and there will be absolute diatribes in my email box from him when he is literally across the hall from our bedroom. He just feels more comfortable typing than talking out loud. period.

 

[cmdtrgd]

I have tried to tell my parents things about my childhood, but they tend to feel bad about what happened instead of realizing that they are still doing it to her...not like "it" is anything horrible like sexual abuse....Here's an example. I had a perfect hourglass figure in high school and was like a size 12....big boobs will raise your size. Anyhoo, I had ALWAYS been told that I wasn't hungry anymore and didn't need to keep eating. Yes, I did overeat sometimes, but I was very active (10 years of soccer and softball followed by physically demanding backstage work) and was eating stuff that was good for me like complex carbs and fruits and veggies. I hoarded stuff in my closet because I WAS hungry. Now, what can you hoard? Things that don't spoil like twinkies and cookies and chips....then my brother (2 years older, but into drugs....) would find the stuff, call me a fat pig over and over again and would blackmail me for money or favors or he would tell my parents. I found out when I was 17 that my birth mother was extremely overweight when she had me at age 23. That is one reason my parents always tried to "help" me with my eating habits. Had they TOLD me about my birth mother when I was 13 or so (maybe even younger), I would have changed some habits then. I understood that genetics did play a big part in body shape and size. But, we do have some control over it. Now, I look like I felt then, which is obese. I am 100 pounds overweight and am struggling with it. I distinctly remember "giving up" on trying to eat right because I was already "fat" and nothing I did was helping. Come to find out I have a hypothyroid condition (which is hereditary)... Anyhoo, I see an eating issue with my niece because they won't explain stuff like that to her. That, and my Mom was a size 2 when she was married and eats junk food like no other person I have ever seen and is still not overweight. My niece is getting bad eating habits from her (as I did, too). How do I tell them what they are possibly doing to her?Does that make sense?

 

[ChefLisa]

Hi Kate!

I am sorry you are going through this. Family issues can be so difficult and frustrating.

When I was in high school, I was quite skinny. Not overly skinny, but by no means at all overweight. However, I thought I was overweight. No eating disorder, just thought I weighed more than I should. I never did anything about it, it was just in my head. Years later as an adult I finally determined why I felt that way. My mom was always on a diet; and I mean always! She would yo yo up and down and complain about her weight.

I am now overweight, but I never mention the idea of dieting in front of my kids. Instead I talk about eating healthy and exercising to feel great!

I do not think you are going to find your answers on this board. I truly think your best bet is to talk to a professional counselor about how you can deal with your parents. There is such a delicate balance to helping without hurting and a professional counselor could probably help you with that. As a matter of fact, maybe you could ask to speak with her school counselor.

Good luck with it! Your niece is very lucky to have you and your parents!

 

[cmdtrgd]

Lisa,I didn't really want answers here and am working with a counselor. I was just so frustrated, hubby was asleep and I needed a place to vent and bounce ideas. Thanks!

 

[ChefLisa]

Oh, I am sorry for misunderstanding. I just hate that you are going through that.

She really is lucky to have you on her side!

As I raise my own three I am so scared to find out what kind of impact I will have on them when they are older. I really pray it is all good!

 

[pamela]

Lisa, it is frightening to know that as we parent, we are shaping childrens habits for now and the future! I think about this all the time!
The other day, I caught Whoopi Goldberg on TV, and she was talking about how everyone is so hung up on the "n" word. She said that there is a word that people use everyday that is so much worse and we never blink an eye when it is used.....stupid. We tell our kids not to call people that and then we casually say, "oh, that movie was so stupid" or "that stupid driver". She said that word will stick with a child longer than any spanking they ever get. It really made me think about the other words that can hurt~like what Kate is saying about her brother calling her names. Those are the things we never forget. As my children get older, I am really trying to monitor HOW they speak to each other, not just what they say.

Kate~tell your parents the best way you know how exactly what you told us. Explain that you know they never meant to damage you in any way, but that you see that they may not realize how what they are doing affects your neice the same as they were unaware that what they said to you affected you. If you go to it in a non-confrontational way, inother words, take the blame out of it, they may see your point.

Another good thing I just saw today is a quote that I can't totally remember, so I won't actually quote it, but the jest was:
Our yesterdays have a great deal to with who we are today, but our future is determined by what we do today.

interesting, huh?!

 

[ChefLisa]

Interesting you mention the word stupid. That is considered a bad word in our house. You can be sure if we use it by accident, we are apologizing for it!

 

[pamela]

Yep, us, too!