Been Through a Rough Patch With Dh?

[katie0128]

DH and I are going through a really rough patch right now... heck, it isn't a patch... it's more like a few miles.

Anyway, I know others have been in the same situation and I wanted to know how did you get through it... without a divorce? I'm pretty much at the point of not even caring anymore and I don't like it. I don't want to go through a divorce for my own sake, but don't want to even more so for the kids. I know that in some cases, a divorce is the best alternative. But for us, it still would be a fairly selfish decision... and one that DH would fight me on anyway.

Anywya, thoughts would be helpful!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Go to Joyce Meyer Ministries — Home and look for her teaching CD's on marriage! Then pray like you've never prayed- get some teaching CD's on love and watch the good Lord do His handy work!

If you aren't into the whole spiritual teaching CD thing- then counseling isn't a bad thing. DH and I have been to marriage counselors 3 times in our 12 year marriage. I married a man that was abused severely by his mother within months of losing his father in a tragic car accident. There's more to the story, but let's just say that DH has a few things that God is working on with him, and I'm not quite perfect yet myself, so the counseling has helped, but God has done more and the prayer has done more than I can tell you about.


Another thing I did was go to the store and bought Stormie O'Martin's book The Power of a Praying Wife- Whoo-hoo...you start praying those prayers nightly/daily and look out- The Lord is gonna work in both of you!

It is for better or for worse, and the past 3 years of our marriage have been more on the worse side, and a deal is a deal- we're sticking it out. I feel that the couples that could do the most good for the Lord are the ones that Satan tries EXTRA hard to break up!

HAng in there, and feel free to PM me if you need some more private support!

 

[DebbieJ]

Counseling...prayer....do you have a mentor who can help you through it?

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Oh, and if you find a counselor that says you should get divorced- stop going! That's what we did with our last counselor, and he was supposedly a Christian Counselor! He kept telling us we never should have gotten married... Um- not much we can do about that now, because we've been married for 12 years. Besides- God brought us together for a reason, and I may be the only person in my DH life that will be able to love him whole again...

DH was going to a therapist shortly after we started dating, and he was also an ordained minister- he ended up marrying us, so if he believed in us enough to marry us then that counselor that told us we should split can kiss my grits!

 

[cincychef]

Hey Katie, we have been there many times! My best advice is marriage is a journey for better or worse and usually when there is a better there is a worse coming, but when there is a worse there is still a better yet to come. I know is sounds silly but it has been true for us. When I am ready to walk out I have to realize what I can do to change me(usually my attitude) because God knows I can't change my husband, God gave hime the worlds biggest stubborn streak! And eventually we end up in a patch that is much better. Anyway we live so close if you ever want to talk just let me know!

 

[christinaspc]

Hi Katie, I know what it means to go through a rough patch I totally agree with all the advice they have given you... I have been there over a year ago and it isn't exactly over by far we are having issues still ours had to do with he had an affair and now we are working on rebuilding trust issues which take time and patience so I am hoping you find peace with your rough patch and work it out our kids are happier for us working on things I can tell a difference in them. We are seeing out pastor and we order some books from a christian website that is designed for familys working on marriages and things for their kids and parenting. If you want the website I will find the link for you. You and your family are in my prays.

 

[Christ Follower]

Biblical counceling. Also, there is a book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages. That book was a HUGE help to my dh and myself.


(((((HUGS))))) to you in the meantime. Don't give up. It can and will get better!

 

[kspry]

Been married 20 years, so of course, there have been rough patches!
During rough patches, I start doing things like I'd do if we were divorced (in my mind, if you get what I mean) & he wasn't around, and it works itself out.

Such as, instead of getting annoyed at him for not fixing the faucet after asking him 3 times, hiring a plumber...which is what I'd have to do if I was divorced, or learn to fix it myself. Little everyday stuff like that can add stress to the rough patches.

With kids, he's never going to be really gone from your life, ever. Just keep that in mind, whether you decide to divorce, or not.

 

[CyndiWilliams]

Another book I highly recommend is by Stormie O'Martian - "The Power of a Praying Wife"My hubby has been known to give credit to this book for saving our marriage during a rough patch.{{{Hugs}}}
Cyndi

 

[KellyTheChef]

Ohhh, Katie! First off I am sorry that you are both dealing with this right now! {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}} to you! And THANK YOU for knowing in your heart that divorce is not usually the answer. (Yes, there are specific cases that warrant a divorce, but those are few and far between.)

Take it from someone who was young and dumb once (weren't we all?!!) divorce is never the "easy road" like it LOOKS like it's gonna be. I commend you for wanting hope and faith that your marriage can be restored.

I haven't read the other posts, cuz when I see something like this, I want the Lord to be able to speak to my heart and tell me what to say...if I read what others say it clouds my thinking, so sorry if I am repeating what others are saying!

My first thought for you once reading your thread was this: are you praying about it? Are *you* taking steps towards helping your marriage? Now....I am NOT saying that all the work needs to come from you, but sometimes we get into a rut of thinking all sorts of things that bash our DH in our minds. Focus on his GOOD qualities. Why did you marry him? Is he a good provider and planner? Does he make you laugh? Does he mow the grass? Make yourself a list each morning of 5 things that you enjoy about him. (They can't be repeats of the day's before!!) Make sure you COMPLIMENT him and THANK him for those things. Sounds like it may be very uncomfortable at first, especially if you are at that point where you just don't care. Make looking at his positives your new habit, rather than looking at his negatives.

Prayer can move mountains...and change hearts! My dear friend, I pray that God reaches down and touches you so you can feel Him around you today! HE can save your marriage- trust me! But, you have to ask Him to show you how! Ask Him to change your heart...your actions towards DH can change, and then God can work on DH's heart!

I hope this doesn't sound like this is all "easy" and quick. BUT- if you trust in the Lord and give your marriage over to him He WILL be faithful and help you to save it!

Do you have friends who will SUPPORT you and HELP you do this, rather than tell you to take the "easy" (but truthfully the HARDEST) road? (Meaning divorce, which is not God's answer.)

You know you can call me or email me anytime!!
Love,
Kelly

 

[KellyTheChef]

Hmmm...now looking over the other replies, I see that God has a message for you here. Glad to see that there are so many faithful and prayerful women on here who can REALLY help guide you and give you BIBLICAL advice!

 

[pampered.chris]

Katie, I have never been married, but I have been in long term relationships that have had rough patches. I have found that when it comes to fighting I look at each "beginning" of the fight and think about it. I think to myself, Is this fight worth ending my relationship? Is this problem/issue we will fight about that important? There are a few fights I have "gone into battle" so to speak where if ending it becomes the outcome, then that is the outcome. But I only fought those fights b/c they were very important to me. This way of thinking allows you to weed out the little things. The little things that won't matter in a day, hour, minute from now.
My BF is currently deployed and taking classes, his speech class professor recommends that each one of them in that class read Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus. He mentioned it to me and I am currently reading it. I think this book is along the line of the 5 love languages mentioned above. But is not a christian book.
One of the main things in "fixing" this is you BOTH have to be willing to change. Change your attitudes, your actions, yourselves. This has to be something you both want or one of you will kill yourself trying. You will have to sit down w/ DH and ask him if he wants to fix this and what he is willing to do on his end. NOW...for this conversation and any other potential conversation (he must do this also) to avoid it to become a confrontation, use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. By saying "I feel badly when this happens" instead of "you make me so mad when this happens", will keep him from becoming defensive and shutting down.
I wish you the BEST of luck!! God Bless.

 

[Trish in Texas]

Katie,

Although you may not be a member of a church, you may be able to locate some help by contacting one in your area. There's a program called St. Stephen Ministers, which is available through a variety of denominations. You don't need to be a member of a church to use them. They are trained lay people who help those in their neighborhoods (and churches) with needs like this. I got hooked up with one for concerns about DH and my need for a full-time job. It has definitely helped me see how to get through tough situations (with no preaching or spiritual element, unless you want it).

And, I second, pray. Just voicing those worries to God can literally change a bad situation to a good one.

Trish in Texas
Independent Consultant

 

[chefmeg]

Dearest Katie, you are getting great advice here, so I won't add to it....just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers...

 

[Evelynt]

Katie, I pray for the best for you. Is it a couple's problem you are having or do one of you have problems that need to be addressed?
Sadly, I became quite the enabler. I covered for him, I walked around with a smile plastered on my face pretending everything was okay. I made the changes he wanted. I kept the kids quiet. He spent 12 years sitting alone in the garage drinking, unhappy and angry. I tried to help him, but he would not help himself. Then the emotional and verbal abuse started. Both of our children were constantly coming to my defense. It was getting close to physical, he was throwing things, spitting chew on me and turning over furniture. I started to go to counseling for myself and al anon. I finally mustered the courage to leave. I left because he wasn't going to leave his *******house. Fortunately our daughter was out of state at school and our son (who has been asking me to leave for years) went with me. Our home was a dangerous place for us.
I actually waited for his call. The one where he says he loves me and will get help and quit drinking. It never came. Instead he found another woman to take care of him. 20 years of marriage replaced in weeks. we were still married. I am not happy, but I am safe and no longer unhappy.I pray that you are able to get through this rough patch and address and solve your problems.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Another book I highly recommend is by Stormie O'Martian - "The Power of a Praying Wife"

My hubby has been known to give credit to this book for saving our marriage during a rough patch.

{{{Hugs}}}
Cyndi

Hey- great minds think alike- I posted that earlier! (and yes, it does work---I knew it was working when DH started acting worse and then boom- breakthrough!!!)

 

[pampchefrhondab]

I was going to suggest "The Power of the Praying Wife" too! It's a great book. I think she also has one "The Power of the Praying Husband," but not sure.

She also has "The Power of the Praying Parent" which is great!

 

[Evelynt]

I was going to suggest "The Power of the Praying Wife" too! It's a great book. I think she also has one "The Power of the Praying Husband," but not sure.

She also has "The Power of the Praying Parent" which is great!

Those are both incredible books. Both of them helped me through some tough times.

 

[JAE]

Because I don't know what your rough patch is about, I'll just tell you what worked for me in my situation.
-I stopped focusing on the negative parts of my spouse. I tried to think of the positives.
-I realized that divorce would not make me happier, but it would make life much worse.
-I was honest with God in my prayers (for instance, "God, I don't want to stay married to him." and "God, I don't love him, and I just want it to be over.").
-I stopped expecting my spouse to be almost perfect. I learned to accept him as he is.
-We did get counseling and joined a small group. The more I talk with and develop friendships with other couples, I realize everyone experiences the same problems as me. I learn how they cope. They don't go running to a divorce lawyer. They work it out. In my head my problems were so huge until I realized I wasn't the only one on the earth who had experienced those problems.

My husband did not have an affair. He isn't a substance abuser. He doesn't beat me. He is a great dad. He is a responsible human being. If your situation includes something along these lines, my suggestions may not fit. I hope this helps in some way.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Because I don't know what your rough patch is about, I'll just tell you what worked for me in my situation.
-I stopped focusing on the negative parts of my spouse. I tried to think of the positives.
-I realized that divorce would not make me happier, but it would make life much worse.
-I was honest with God in my prayers (for instance, "God, I don't want to stay married to him." and "God, I don't love him, and I just want it to be over.").
-I stopped expecting my spouse to be almost perfect. I learned to accept him as he is.
-We did get counseling and joined a small group. The more I talk with and develop friendships with other couples, I realize everyone experiences the same problems as me. I learn how they cope. They don't go running to a divorce lawyer. They work it out. In my head my problems were so huge until I realized I wasn't the only one on the earth who had experienced those problems.

My husband did not have an affair. He isn't a substance abuser. He doesn't beat me. He is a great dad. He is a responsible human being. If your situation includes something along these lines, my suggestions may not fit. I hope this helps in some way.

JAE- way to go in sticking it out! I hope DH and I can find friends and a support group like that!!!

 

[KellyTheChef]

Let me just hi-jack Katie's thread for one moment...


The responses to her question have brought tears to my eyes over and over! I am so blessed to be included in this wonderful group of women (and men), many of which hold the same beliefs that I do! Satan WILL provide someone to side with you if you are thinking of divorce (I did that when I was 21 and wouldn't listen to Godly advice) and I am soooooooo glad that 99% of the responses are definately God inspired. And Katie...God will bless you for ASKING for help through this time! Surround yourself with Godly women who will encourage you and help bring you through this. Don't listen to Satan...or any un-Godly advice that you are given. Look to God and He will guide you through this!

I am just continually amazed at the type of women who are on here and who enjoy praying for one another, rejoicing with one another, and LIFTING ONE ANOTHER UP! I am blessed to "know" all of you!:angel::angel:


Katie- here is a song that I chose to play during my mom's funeral. Obviously, you aren't dealing with a death...but you are going through a storm...and God WILL lead you through it.


Praise You In This Storm
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

 

[merego]

my buddy Katie... we'll get together and talk when I get back from conference.
You know all about my 1st husband and Clint and I have been to counseling already and we have only been married 3 years, we went before we got married. If you lived on the east side ( ha ha, had to throw that in) I would say come to church with us, they have several different groups that focus on marriage. I know it is rough, but just hang in
there and be strong!! Call me if you need me before that

 

[katie0128]

You are all so sweet. I'm sitting reading your posts with tears running down my checks. I know that divorce isn't the answer in our situation, I just don't feel like being married anymore. But, espeically with three kids, that would end up being harder than this is.

He isn't a substance abuser, no physical violence, he isn't losing our money gambling, etc., etc., but we really aren't friends either. He has significant emotional/personality issues that need to be addressed with a therapist and probably medication, but he refuses to do so because he doesn't see the problem. His parents see the problem and we have addressed it before with him. He did counseling for a bit, but after a few months started missing sessions and then stopped all together.

DH's aunt got me Power of a Praying Wife for Christams the year before last. I started to read it, but I'm to the point of wondering why should I care and spend my energy on him if he doesn't care enough to take care of himself.

Most of this is just venting and asking rhetorical questions... but it is helpful to have friends who will listen and give me a hug when I need it.

And Trish - yes, we do belong to a Christian Church. Actually, that is part of our problems. My kids are the fifth generation of his family at our church, but they do not have the support systems (small groups, Sunday School, etc.) that I feel comfortable in. FIL is understanding of me wanting to find another church, but MIL (it was her grandparents who are founding members of the church) is so completely against us/me leaving that she has gone far enough to say that I haven't tried hard enough to find my niche. Image is very important to her and her opinion is very important to DH... many times more important than my opinion - yet another issue.

Anyway, thanks for your support and your encouraging PMs. Now off to figure out how I can squeeze counseling (for me... DH won't go) into our budget.

 

[kspry]

but we really aren't friends either

When the kids are gone, you don't want to be roomies sharing the bills...

 

[chefmeg]

ok~I am going to add my 2 cents here. I am a child of divorce...my parents split when I was 6. I have a FANTASTIC step-father who raised me and is more than a father than my "birth father" was.
When you look at all of the reasons that you want to stay in a mrriage "for the kids", you have to realize that they will grow up and move out of your house. Then you are in a marriage with no reason to stay! Children know when you are unhappy, upset, stressed and all of the things you are right now, Katie and they need stability even more than you do! I have 2 very close friends whose husbands suffer from bipolar disease, and their kids are seeing first hand what mental illness does to a family. If your husband will not get help in order to provide a stable environment, then you need to provide it for them.....and that may require leaving him or having him leave your home. Mental illness of any degree is an unstable setting for children~they just don't get "it" when a parent doesn't act like a parent and your situation may be giving them plenty of food for therapy later in life!
I am not justifying divorce....I am saying that you need to get TOUGH with some ultimatums for hubby~it will require support from his family and a good psychiatrist and family counselor. When you have done ALL you can do, or if you are the only one doing, you may need to re-evaluate your feelings.
I will keep you in my prayers and you are always welcome to pm me if you want to talk!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

You are all so sweet. I'm sitting reading your posts with tears running down my checks. I know that divorce isn't the answer in our situation, I just don't feel like being married anymore. But, espeically with three kids, that would end up being harder than this is.

He isn't a substance abuser, no physical violence, he isn't losing our money gambling, etc., etc., but we really aren't friends either. He has significant emotional/personality issues that need to be addressed with a therapist and probably medication, but he refuses to do so because he doesn't see the problem. His parents see the problem and we have addressed it before with him. He did counseling for a bit, but after a few months started missing sessions and then stopped all together.

DH's aunt got me Power of a Praying Wife for Christams the year before last. I started to read it, but I'm to the point of wondering why should I care and spend my energy on him if he doesn't care enough to take care of himself.

Most of this is just venting and asking rhetorical questions... but it is helpful to have friends who will listen and give me a hug when I need it.

And Trish - yes, we do belong to a Christian Church. Actually, that is part of our problems. My kids are the fifth generation of his family at our church, but they do not have the support systems (small groups, Sunday School, etc.) that I feel comfortable in. FIL is understanding of me wanting to find another church, but MIL (it was her grandparents who are founding members of the church) is so completely against us/me leaving that she has gone far enough to say that I haven't tried hard enough to find my niche. Image is very important to her and her opinion is very important to DH... many times more important than my opinion - yet another issue.

Anyway, thanks for your support and your encouraging PMs. Now off to figure out how I can squeeze counseling (for me... DH won't go) into our budget.

If it helps, almost all Christian counselors work on a sliding fee- there were even times when ours would do our weekly session for half the already reduced and agreed upon fee because we just couldn't come up with the cash that week....

You will be in my prayers-I sort of felt a little like you felt about starting that Power of a Praying Wife book- but praying those prayers WILL get him to want to help and change himself- you will start to see victory one SMALL step at a time.

If God can fix and heal what me and DH went through and are still going through, but with victory in sight, than He can heal and restore friendship and love in yours and DH's marriage...

anyway- you have a lot to pray about and consider- I'm here for you because I've been through some pretty crappy years lately and I can relate and understand your pain, frustration, weariness, hurt, and sadness....

Love ya!!!

 

[PChefPEI]

Katie, DH and I are going through the same thing. He was at a point a few short weeks ago where he didn't care about anything. Things are getting better, but the one thing I have learned is that you can't do anything to change him; you can only work on yourself. Divorce was in my head too, but I didn't have the guts to leave because of our DD. And, part of me really doesn't want it either. I want to work things out!

I'm involved in a program right now called "Finding Your Voice"....based on the WEL-Systems(r) program. It is the most amazing, life changing experience I have ever had! It's all about finding yourself and speaking your truth. Once you do that, all falls into place and you start to open up. Once you become clear about what you want for yourself and start to share that with your DH, things will come together and happen as they should.

Here's a couple of sites to check out:
WELwoman Inc.
WEL-Systems Institute

I would highly recommend the books "Phoenix Rising" and "Fully Alive". They have helped me a great deal. I also have the "Women and Power" series and they are tremendous!

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat some more. I know what you're going through!

 

[janetupnorth]

Katie - Check out familylife.com and see if there is a somewhat local "Weekend to Remember" conference near you. If you could get him to attend and open up, that may take you miles. If there is one local enough, you may be able to get to it pretty cheap. Often churches will help pay the registration for couples they know need it, you just may have to ask your local church.

 

[Jewel]

First of Katie...I feel your frustration. Second. Thanks to everyone who posted. I have been stuggling with this same conflict for about 2 years. I don't mean to hi-jack your thread Katie, but I really wanted to say thanks. I have been keeping my thought to myself, because I don't want a divorce, but my friends/family are really pushing me towards that. My DH is a drinker and there gets to a point where he is violent. I have left him once (he actually moved out). He got counseling, anger management, stopped drinking the whole bit. I just recently found out that he is drinking again. He's been hiding it from me around the house and in his truck. I am not worried about me physically but I hate what is will do to my kids. My mother was an alcoholic and very violent towards my stepdad. I feel that I am the only one that will love him and can help him but I'm tired. Sorry again Katie, but everyone's words are so helpful. I wasn't raised with faith, but I am trying to gain some on my own. Thanks again everyone and Katie if you need to talk let me know.

 

[pampered.chris]

First of Katie...I feel your frustration. Second. Thanks to everyone who posted. I have been stuggling with this same conflict for about 2 years. I don't mean to hi-jack your thread Katie, but I really wanted to say thanks. I have been keeping my thought to myself, because I don't want a divorce, but my friends/family are really pushing me towards that. My DH is a drinker and there gets to a point where he is violent. I have left him once (he actually moved out). He got counseling, anger management, stopped drinking the whole bit. I just recently found out that he is drinking again. He's been hiding it from me around the house and in his truck. I am not worried about me physically but I hate what is will do to my kids. My mother was an alcoholic and very violent towards my stepdad. I feel that I am the only one that will love him and can help him but I'm tired. Sorry again Katie, but everyone's words are so helpful. I wasn't raised with faith, but I am trying to gain some on my own. Thanks again everyone and Katie if you need to talk let me know.

I dated a guy that was a closet alcoholic and compulsive liar. I feel your pain. I stayed for 2 years before I just couldnt' do it anymore. If he isn't willing to help himself, he will never change. By the time I left, I hated him more than words can say. I hated myself more for staying. I pray you find peace to make a decision that will work the best for you.

 

[Rebeccascabinet]

I won't add to the great advice you've already been given. I will say though that in almost 13 years of marriage with my hubby we've had some good times and some bad times, some great times, and some really really bad times. What helps us through is being friends. We are each other's best friends and we've had to fight for it during the bad times. All I will add to prayer and counseling advice is to fight for your marriage.

 

[raebates]

Hey, Katie. I'm so sorry. I've been there. Now, you met The Furry Guy, and you saw how great our marriage is now. I want you to know that every marriage goes through those times. We had times when we frankly didn't care enough to not like one another. You mentioned some emotional issues when we visited. I imagine those make things even more difficult.The advice you've been given so far is great. The books that have been mentioned helped me tremendously. I also realized that I couldn't do anything at all to change him. All I could do was change myself and the way I related to him.Trust me, there were times when I'd do something special for him or say something supportive, then wonder later why I even bothered. It wasn't like he seemed to notice or anything. (This is one of the areas in which The Five Love Languages helped tremendously!)I can tell you two things I know for sure:1. One of the best gifts you can give your children is a good relationship with their father.2. It's really worth it when you get through to the other side.