A Journey of Adjustment: Our Step-Kids, Baby on the Way, and Career Sales

[KellyTheChef]

Many of you know that I have two step children...I will give some background for those who don't.

Brittney is almost 17, Sean is 14 as of yesterday, and then DH and I have Evan who is 3.5 and another boy on the way.

Britt has been living with her mom and attending school in Florida for the past 4 years (5 if you count this school year)

Sean had been with us for the past two school years (his 6th and 7th grades) and then this summer asked to stay in Florida. Seems he would rather choose "no rules and no expectations" over our household that is actually INVOLVED in our children's lives. Don't ask me WHAT HE IS THINKING...as he was the one who begged his mom for a year to be able to come here cuz it's a circus down there, as well as being morally bankrupt. Plus...he has watched his sister spiral down wards over the past 4 years...but I guess he thinks he will be immune to it. Before he left, things were good between us (DH and I) and him, but now he decides that we are horrible parents, and HE is actually MAD at us for God knows what reason. (WTH is THAT ALL ABOUT?!!?) I guess it is for being good parents, expecting him to do well in school, giving him a computer and computer games that he loves, being involved in his life, and giving him chores so he can grow into a responsible young man who knows how to take care of himself.

OK...that's Sean. Let's move on to Brittney. She has a moron for a boyfriend and is proud of the fact that they have been together for a year. He is almost 19, a HS dropout with no plans for a GED, can't hold a job (that is, when he actually goes out and looks for one) and cheats on her with every skank he can find. (sorry for the word choice there...I am at my wits end) When she was here for the summer, she asked to go see her counselor here (we take her to one when she is here...Mom has never tried to help in this manner) and some HORRIBLE things came out. We now know what those were, and before she left we all (DH, myself, and the counselor) sat down with her and tried to get her to stay here in Ohio with us. She wouldn't cuz that would mean leaving her boyfriend. Fast forward to August. She missed all but one of the first 10 days of school. She would get up, go in, attend homeroom for attendance and then leave to go spend the day with him. (He lives less than a mile away from the HS) Her mom found out, spoke with the school who assured her this would not continue (they didn't call her till she had missed that many days!!) and that if she so much as missed a class, she would be called. Well, as of Tuesday morning...they called to tell her (for the first time since all of this happened) that she hasn't been in school for MOST OF THIS MONTH EITHER!!! Again: WTH?? (apparently, she slipped through the cracks and no one was actually monitoring her attendance)

So. Now what? She is coming here tomorrow to live with us for good. She will most likely attend an "on-line" school from home, and she WILL be getting a job. (As well as counseling) I think she needs to GO to school, DH is decided that she is doing on-line and won't listen to any other options.

Please pray for her to adjust well, for DH and I to know how many rules and restrictions she needs without going overboard (I am the OVERBOARD one...he is the LENIENT one...) but without babying her or rewarding her for her crappy decisions over the past three years.

Oh. And yeah. Now we have to move everything around and figure out how to handle the bedroom arrangements and now put the new baby in with Evan. (Which really is not a big deal...I am just overwhelmed with doing all of THIS stuff and knowing that I have tons of BABY stuff to be getting ready for and a business that I need to keep "active" so I don't lose my career sales!!

If you made it this far, THANK YOU! Sorry it's so long...I just know that there are many of you out there who are prayer warriors who will lift up our family and ask that God direct and keep us through this rough time.

 

[Nanisu]

Whew! Prayers from here for sure. You are doing the right thing and God will give you the grace--that's His job. I'll pray for both of you, Brittney, and Evan--that he doesn't get lost in the shuffle of all this. Sounds like Brittney needs a very short leash for awhile.

 

[janetupnorth]

You already know I've been praying and will continue to!

 

[KellyTheChef]

You already know I've been praying and will continue to!

I know, and I soooooooooo appreciate that! I figured I would just do an "update" on here so my email prayer buddies would know what was going on now...but for others on here who could pray too!

 

[KellyTheChef]

Whew! Prayers from here for sure. You are doing the right thing and God will give you the grace--that's His job. I'll pray for both of you, Brittney, and Evan--that he doesn't get lost in the shuffle of all this. Sounds like Brittney needs a very short leash for awhile.

That's my thoughts, too...but then again, that's always my thoughts!! Hence me being the "disciplinarian" of the family!! lol

 

[PamperedDor]

Oh Kelly!!! Holy Moly is all I can say - please know you are in my prayers and thoughts - its going to be a tough ride, please try to remain as stress free as possible! Teenagers are tough just in general, but this sounds like you are in for a tough few weeks - good luck and please vent here when needed!! {{{HUGS}}}}

 

[buckeyefan08]

My thuoghts and prayers for strength will be with you and your family during all of the transitions.
As for DH, is he going to be home to make sure she's doing her on-line courses? I know how hard it is to have little to kids to worry about, don't know how I would handle a hormonal teenage girl too! Holy moly!

 

[twinchefs]

Sending prayers your way!!!!!

 

[rennea]

Sorry things are pretty crazy for you right now Kelly. Remember to take care of yourself and get lots of rest. Sending many good thoughts your way.

 

[vwpamperedchef]

Prayers to all of you! xoxo

 

[pckrissy]

Hi Kelly
First (((HUGS))), sorry you have to deal with this especially during your pregnancy. I will keep you all in my prayers. I still remember being that age like it was yesterday (and it SO WASN'T) I also had boyfriends of LOSER status...it is so hard to try to talk to and get a teenage girl to listen to your advice....I didn't listen and now that I'm older I SEE what everyone was trying to tell me so clearly! BUT somethings we need to learn on our own. Luckily my experience wasn't harmful to me in anyway but a broken heart and many disappointments and sad nights/days...
Just know that no matter how hard it gets you and DH are doing what is BEST for HER..she may not appreciate it now or even like either of you much...but I believe she will be forever grateful for how much you both loved and cared for her when she is old enough to "get it"!
Hang in there & Good luck, we are all here for you

 

[PChefPEI]

Sorry you're going through all of this Kelly...I'm sure it's the last thing you need right now (or ever, really!). I'll be praying hard for you and your family. You'll pull through...you're a strong person!

((((HUGS))))

 

[heather223]

Prayers for you and your family. (((((HUGS)))))


Smile it will get better soon!

 

[pamperedlinda]

Oh wow! I hate this for you Kelly, I can't think of too many things in this world worse that a hormonal rebelloius teenage girl. Just remember, that there is a reason you were chosen for this task, it might be a very long time before you know what that reason is though. And I'm sure you already know this, but if the Lord brings you to it, he will bring you through it. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers - stay strong.

 

[tlag1986]

Wow Kelly this is going to be a wild ride for you for awhile. Prayers for you and yours.

 

[jrstephens]

I will be praying for you and your family. Remember to try to relaxe and not worry too much - I know that is easier said than done.

God will show you the way as long as you ask Him and I know you will.

 

[AnnieBee]

Wow, Kelly, I will pray that things go smoothly for your whole family with this transition. Hopefully things will be pretty settled by your due date. I pray that you and DH can also make the decisions you need to together, and will be able to manage this situation without disagreeing too much! And I pray that Britt and Sean will just remember how you have cared for them, and be able to see that you love them and just want the best for them.

Please keep us updated, and let us know what else we can pray for! And do take care of yourself, Evan and your little one on the way.

 

[KellyTheChef]

Thanks everyone! It means a lot to me knowing that others are praying for us!

We have had many rough patches over the years (DH and I have been together since Britt was 5 and Sean was 2.5) and I KNOW that God has a plan for me in their lives. I continue to try to pray for them, and to do what I know is RIGHT for them...even if that doesn't make me too popular sometimes!! My focus is on the future, that time WAY IN THE DISTANCE when they can see that I actually have their best interest at heart and not just want them to be miserable! lol I have told them over and over that our job is not to make their lives easy, but to bring them up so that they are responsible adults who can function and take care of themselves!! I just hope they "get it" before they are THIRTY!!! lol

To answer the question about who will be there with her during the day? Yeah, that would be me. Not sure how THAT one is gonna work with nursing a newborn! I am trusting that God will provide the way for all of this, and I KNOW that he will! It is also nice knowing that I can come here and vent without hurting anyone's feelings! (as in, my DH that I disagree with on the schooling thing...or Brittney herself)

 

[PChefPEI]

Sounds like you're doing the right thing, Kelly. Those kids are EXTREMELY lucky to have you and they will thank you for it later....maybe MUCH later, but they will!! LOL You never know, but maybe the baby will bring Britt around and she will actually enjoy being home with you and will want to help you out. You guys may become closer as a result.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Kelly, I'll be praying for you! DH and I went through similar things with his children, except his son lived with us off and on- because I was the disciplinarian and DH was the push over- it was nothing but an uphill battle when his son did live with us. I was always the bad guy, and all therapists say that the step parent should not discipline at all... but my DH wouldn't set rules, or rules that he did set, Joshua could break them... it was a nightmare when he lived with us. I will be praying my heart out for all of you, especially Brittany...

I have been there, done that- so I'm here when you need to vent! Just try and be as loving and patient as you can with her, and express to John that it is very important that he maintains the role of loving disciplinarian to keep things as harmonious as possible with a teen aged daughter in the house!

May God shower you guys with Grace, Wisdom, Joy, Peace and Patience!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Kelly, you guys may qualify to have a City or County assigned teacher to come to your house to teach Britt some of the main courses that she'd be taking if she were to go to a real high school. She does need friends- so I'm not sure how helpful it will be to have her take online courses...check out satelite schools and charter schools, too!

 

[peichef]

Oh KellyI am so sorry that this has fallen on you at this particular time, with a new blessing about to join your family.
You have proven to all of us on here that you are a woman of tremendous faith. I have every confidence that your faith will pull your family through all this chaos and stress to emerge stronger and reassured in His love and plan for you.
I'm sure that God has chosen you to impact the lives of these children in ways that none of us know yet. Keep leaning on Him and rest assured in your faith that He will lead you through this and guide you as you help Brittany. While this seems like a really odd time for all this to be happening in your household, it is all part of His plan. Please come here to vent as needed and now that so many of us will be praying for you and your whole family.

 

[pcchefjane]

You are very much in my prayers. I have never been in this situation and my DD never went through any teenage rebellion so I can't identify with this at all. God will sustain you. Maybe you can do a "reward" thing with her instead of a "discipline" thing. Let her have so much "free time" for completing her schoolwork, etc. If she is willing, let her help you with things in your PC business like stamping, etc. then reward her with more "free time" or money if you have it to do so. I can't imagine having a little one, one on the way, and monitoring a hormonal teenage girl... Maybe your DH hopes that keeping her home will help with the hormones. Do you attend a church with a good youth program? That helps a lot too. I think that my DD did not go through the rebellion because of the wonderful youth leaders she had. They were like 2nd parents to her and Steve was more of a dad than hers ever was!

 

[raebates]

You'll be in my prayers.

 

[KellyTheChef]

Do you attend a church with a good youth program?

No...and that is a problem. We attend a very SMALL church that does not have very many children. NO ONE is her age. DH and I have discussed this a few times in the past couple of years, and I really feel like we need to look for a new church. I feel torn, though...since this is my childhood church, and I have been a member since 2001. Plus, I am on our Praise and Worship Team...and if you attend a small church you will know that once you are involved in any aspect of it, you feel HUGE GUILT about stepping out of that role. I think the change would be good not only for Brittney, but for Evan and our new baby when I am looking long term. I want them to be able to go and DO THINGS with a good youth group, and look forward to spending time with other kids at the church!

 

[pcchefjane]

We changed churches from one I had come to 21 years before. It was a very hard decision but I felt that a strong youth group was so important for my then 7th grade daughter. I never regreted my decision. Ali's youth leaders were great and I feel they/the youth group kept her from being a "statistic" of a single parent child. May God help you all in these decisions. I know it will be hard to leave the Praise Team, but maybe you can be on one at a new church.